What I Would Give Of Myself

Barring anything earth-shattering happening, I think I'm going to take a break from posting this week. Instead I'm going to put up the lyrics from songs that get stuck in my head on any given day. They just pop in there unbidden. You never know what it's going to be. Feel free to shrink me on these. It'll sorta be like analyzing dreams or something. Let's all just hope that it's not one of those weeks where that fucking "Werewolves of London" song gets trapped in there and just keeps playing over and over and over again :)

"Caramel"

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

It won't do
to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself
if you don't go.

So goodbye,
sweet appetite,
no single bite
could satisfy...

I know your name,
I know your skin,
I know the way
these things begin;

But I don't know
what I would give of myself,
how I would live with myself
if you don't go.

It won't do
to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long
for you.

-- Suzanne Vega

"My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny." - Elaine Maxwell

(Endless Side Notes)

"Far too many notes for my taste, and most of them about Christine. All we've heard since we came is Miss Daae's name..." (Sorry, brief "Phantom of the Opera" flashback there....) Anyway, I wanted to make yet another side note to my "Bored Now" post from Friday. I still maintain that the 2 guys I mentioned that would be at the bottom of my list were not really "bad" in bed. They were just not very fucking creative. (And one of them thought he was God's gift to sex, so that didn't help matters, 'cause it made him totally not open to "suggestions.") They were both strictly missionary position kinda guys. That's fine, but it gets old after awhile, ya know? Variety is a good thing, at least in my book anyway... These guys were both pretty conservative out in the real world too, so I guess I should not have expected them to be any different behind closed doors. Still, I was hopeful that they might surprise me. (You know what they say about the quiet ones.) No such luck though... They were both a long time ago. Things have been just ducky since then. Here's hoping they stay that way for a long time to come ;)

"The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused the unhappiness, but I do know they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they're been living the unhappy lives." - Nick Hornby - "High Fidelity"

The Iceman Cometh

My last couple of posts have been kinda heavy, so let's talk about something inconsequential. The big story around here is the ice. A major storm roared into the ATL on Friday night and encased the city in about 3/4 of an inch of ice. It looked liked everything was made of glass. It was kinda pretty, but it sure made getting around a pain in the ass. I braved the roadways briefly on Saturday afternoon and almost regretted it. GA-400 in particular was a fucking nightmare. Good thing I drive a big ass truck. People tend to stay out of my way. It's like they just sense that I can do a hell of a lot more damage to them then they could ever do to me. It's sorta a powertrip kinda thing for me :) It was definitely not a good day to be out on the streets. Someone in my apartment building found that out the hard way. There is this retaining wall at the front of our parking lot. It's only about 2 feel high, but it still must suck to drive your car off of it. I got back to my apartment and there was a Ford Taurus that had slid across the parking lot and was suspended 1/2 way over the wall. It's still there. I'm guessing they'll have to have a tow truck come pull it off the ledge. This city is not equipped to deal with winter properly. It basically just shuts down. Nothing much to do when the weather gets like this. Just sit home, watch some movies, maybe play some EQ, and try to keep warm. Actually, I plan to spend the rest of the night curled up in bed with Roland, questing for the Dark Tower. In my world, that's never a bad way to spend an evening. Enjoy your Sunday. If we're very lucky it will last forever and Monday will never get here...

"You know? This whole ice age thing is getting old. You know what I could go for? A global warming." -- John Leguizamo - "Ice Age"

I'd Like To Thank The Academy...

I should probably start by apologizing for my 2nd blog post from yesterday, but you know what? I’m not going to. I meant every fucking word. I’m not going to hide the fact that I am miserable at work. I have to get out of there. I’ve known it for a long time and have been half-heartedly looking for an alternative, but the half-heartedness part ends now. I’m not stupid. I’m not just going to up and quit, but it needs to be sooner rather than later. I feel things getting worse. This past month has been especially bad. I’ve tried really hard to pretend I’m happy so as not to upset the people around me. I joke about banging my head against a wall or drinking myself into oblivion, but they are starting to feel less and less like jokes and more and more like rational solutions to my problems. That’s not good. That’s actually kinda scary. I know I’m not a lot of fun these days, and I don’t want to drag my friends into my little neurotic world. They have got to be sick of it by now and I’ve never been the type of person who has been comfortable asking for help. There are days when I really need a shoulder to cry on and instead I just smile my way through the day and pretend that nothing’s wrong… Those are the bad days. They aren’t all like that… yet… but lately they have been more and more frequent. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. When you find yourself sitting in your car, in a freezing cold parking deck, trying to avoid going back to your desk and having a total meltdown, you have to realize that things are probably not all a-ok. That’s not the way to live a life. I sit in my little cube, day after fucking day, and I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve never been claustrophobic, but I feel those walls closing in on me and there are times I can barely breathe. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I used to be happy. I remember being happy. I know its work. As soon as I walk out the door I feel that proverbial weight lift off my shoulders and I’m a totally different person. Fortunately, I have people in my life that (though they may not realize it) are helping me get through this madness I’m fighting right now. I am indebted to those people (3 of them in particular) forever because I know they are there if I need them. I promise to try very hard not to be too crazy or to inflict too much damage on them in the process. But, like I said, I’m not one to rely on others. Ultimately, this is something I have to get through myself. I have some things in my life I need to clear up. Things I need to simplify. I know my life is complicated right now, and if I hope to pack up and move to NYC or LA or Ireland or Prague or wherever, then I have some excess baggage (both literal and figurative) that I need to leave behind. I’m working on that. I WILL get where I am meant to go. In a fucked up kinda way I guess this is my thank you to those of you who have helped me to see things a bit more clearly lately. Us perpetual dreamers get lost from time to time and we need a guide to help us find our direction again. I’m not quite back on my path yet, but I can once again hear the traffic on the road I’m supposed to be on, so at least I know I’m getting close… I promise to thank all of you in my first Oscar speech :)

"I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore." - Ron Livingston - "Office Space."

A Million Miles Away From Ok

Just skip this post if you're one of the happy people. You don't want to know what it says... Go read the one about sex that I posted earlier this morning. Trust me. You'll like that one better...

For all the rest of you - Remember last week when I said that I had written a post that was dark and morose and I chose not to post it because I didn't want to drag all the happy people down into Hell with me? Well, fuck the happy people.The happy people are all conspiring to make me miserable so, so be it. (Just a side note here - this is not directed at my friends. You guys are the ones keeping me even remotely sane at this point. This is directed to the powers that be [mostly co-workers] who seem intent on sucking my soul out of me with an almost vampiric kind of glee.) If they want me to be unhappy then they will reap the rewards of that unhappiness. Can you say collateral damage? Sure you can, it's not hard. In fact, it's fun. I will not suffer these slings and arrows silently... or alone. Fuck 'em all. I say go out in a blaze of glory... Anybody coming with me? Who wants to be Butch to my Sundance?

"When I had journeyed half of my life's way I found myself within a shadowed forest, for I had lost the path that does not stray. Ah, it is hard to speak of what it was, that savage forest, dense and difficult, which even in recall renews my fear: so bitter that death is hardly more severe!" -- Dante Alighieri - "Dante's Inferno"

Bored Now

I realize that my posts for the past 2 days have been real yawners. It can't be helped. Even my life is uneventful from time to time, and this week can definitely be characterized as "uneventful." Well, maybe not entirely uneventful. Tuesday evening was interesting, but I'm sure as hell not about to share that info with you people. Use your imagination ;)

Since it's Friday, I guess I'll take a swing at the fences in a vain hope that I can make up for my less-than-interesting posts for the past few days. So, let's talk about sex. It seems as good a topic as any and it always makes for interesting discussion. (It was suggested to me recently that I should do a blog on "perfect fellatio" techniques, but I think I'll save that one for another day. I was thinking more just random thoughts on sex in general.) Is there such a thing as bad sex? Sure, there's good sex, and great sex, and then there's GREAT sex, but on the flip side shouldn't there be bad sex as well? Logically, you would think that should be the case, right? I guess I have been fortunate not to have had bad sex with anyone. (Seriously disturbing sex on one occassion, but I'm not going to get into that here. That's a blog for a much darker day, if ever.) Sure, some of my "encounters" have been better than others (in fact, I can easily name the 2 people at the bottom of my list without any trouble), but most of them have at least been really good, and a few even fall into the "mind-blowing" category. (Not that I've "had" that many guys. I talk big, but you know those "Top 13" lists I'm so fond of keeping? Well, a list of the guys I've slept with wouldn't even give me a complete list.) So how is it that I've managed to avoid having bad sex? Is it just me? Maybe only I thought it was great and the guys didn't feel that way, but I've never had any complaints ;) Is it because that in most cases I've had some sort of "connection" with the men that I've slept with. (You think I'm picky about the friends I keep? You should see how choosy I am when it comes to the guys I fuck.) Maybe I've been lucky and the guys I've been with were all just really talented. I don't know. If that's the case, then I wish such luck on everyone. When you think about it, sex is such an odd activity anyway. I guess it's probably better if you don't think about it too much. Just go with your instincts. Do what feels right. Do what feels good. Sometimes doing very bad things can turn out to be really fucking good if you do them right ;) Maybe it's the people who put too much thought into it that are the ones having the bad sex. Again, I don't know. I'm just rambling here. I get sex on my brain sometimes and you never know what I might say or do. It's like a drug or something. I blame the dreams I had while I was napping yesterday afternoon. (I blame them for my sudden craving for bangers and mash when I was at Fado last night as well, but again, different blog, different day. Soooo not going into the symbolism of that today.) On that note, I should probably stop while I'm ahead.... or at least before I say anything worse... (Wow! I sure had a lot of these "side notes" in my post today, didn't I? I'm beginning to write like Stephen King...)
So, everyone have a great weekend and go out there and have some mind-blowing sex!

"This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies." -- Alyson Hannigan - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

The Padded Room

Hey, this title actually applies to both things I want to blog about. Nifty...

First up we have the fact that I got summoned for jury duty. I was on the standby list and was crossing my toes that I wouldn't have to report, but no such luck. My number came up and I'm going to have to sit in the jury room (jury room, padded room, get it?), bored out of my fucking skull, for the day. I can't decide if that's worse than going to work or not. Seriously, it's a tough call. If nothing else, I guess I'll be able to put a dent in Book 2 of the "Dark Tower" series....

26 days into January and I finally saw my 3rd movie of the year. That's so sad. On the upside, I haven't paid to see anything yet. They've all been screenings. This tme it was "Hide & Seek." It wasn't a bad film, but as seems to be the case lately, it wasn't great either. It was a little slow and fairly predicatable. A little creepy in spots, but definitely not scary. It was sorta "The Shining" meets "What Lies Beneath." Dakota Fanning totally made it worth sitting through though. I really like this kid. She plays creepy and crazy in the way that Christina Ricci and Winona Ryder used to. DeNiro wasn't bad and I liked Famke Janssen too. Still, not worth paying to see. I need to go see a good movie and break this crappy streak I've been on lately. I guess this weekend I'll try and get "House of Flying Daggers" or "Million Dollar Baby" seen...

"None of us can predict the final outcomes of our actions, and few of us even try; most of us just do what we do to prolong a moment's pleasure or to stop the pain. And even when we act for the noblest reasons, the last link of the chain all too often drips with someone's blood." -- Stephen King - "Lunch at the Gotham Cafe"

Miss Me?

A good friend of mine said to me recently that taking Wednesdays off is a good idea. You work 2 days, have a day off, work 2 more days, and then have the weekend. I decided that was a damn good idea and am taking his advice by not working today. In fact, I'm taking next Wednesday off as well. Maybe I'll take the one after that too. We'll just have to see how life goes. Still, I didn't want to leave my beloved Readers without a post for the day, and I'm up, so here it is. What am I going to do with my day of freedom? Well, I'd like to spend it in bed with a seriously sexy guy, but since that's just wistful thinking on my part, I guess I'll have to find other ways of entertaining myself. I do plan to sleep until I wake up. No alarms. No meetings to rush to. Just sweet blissful sleep populated by beautiful men who will let me pursue my licking fetish to my heart's content ;) The weather looks like it's going to be nice so I plan to spend some time at the barn. My horse, Callie won't know what to do if I show up in the middle of the week. She usually only gets to see me on the weekends. Basically I'm not going to do much of anything. I'm just going to fuck around and not be at work. So enjoy your day. I know I will.

"I think you can experience everything you dreamed of - it just won't happen the way you thought it would." -- Kevin Spacey

Anywhere But Here

So I’m in meeting hell today. They are lined up like Rockettes, one after the fucking other. There are soooo many things I would rather be doing right now. I haven’t posted a list of anything in like weeks so rather than paying attention to what’s happening on this conference call, I think I’ll post to my blog instead. I’m so dedicated to my job. Can’t you tell?

Top 13 Things I’d Rather Be Doing Right Now:

13) Posting to my blog – ok, so this one I can actually do…
12) Banging my head against a wall – Did I mention how much I don’t want to be here today?
11) Eating lunch – I’m fucking starving and don’t have time to go eat today...
10) Drinking – always a good solution to a boredom problem...
9) Taking the good drugs – another good solution for boredom. Makes the day much more fun.
8) Sitting at a hockey game – oh wait. They aren’t fucking playing this season :P
7) Watching TV – there has got to be something on worth watching in the middle of the afternoon, right?
6) Reading a book – I’ve re-invested myself in Stephen King’s “Dark Tower” series and at this rate it will take me for fucking ever to finish all 7 books…
5) Watching a movie – nothing much good out in the theatres these days but I’m sure I could find something to go see…
4) Riding my horse – ok, well, I don’t have a horse that’s actually broke to ride anymore, but I’d at least like to be at the barn right now instead of here at work.
3) Lying on a beach – Don’t care where. Anywhere warm would be just groovy…
2) Sleeping – No surprise that this is near the top of my list. It’s one of my favorite hobbies. Prolly not my favorite hobby, but it’s close…
1) Performing random sex acts with a really hot guy – Well duh! For those who don't know it already, this one is far and away my favorite hobby ;)

"There is no excuse for being bored. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Crazy, yes. But boredom, never." -- Viggo Mortensen

You're Among the Little People Now

2005 is turning out to be the year of the baby. I found out yesterday that I’m going to be an aunt again. My brother and his wife are expecting a new little person in August. This is in addition to the fact that my step-mom is due to have twins like any day now. It was weird enough when my ½ sister was born 2 years ago. I have a niece who is 6 and so that makes her 4 years older than her aunt, and she’ll be almost 7 years older than her 2 new uncles. How fucked up is that? I’m thrilled for my brother and sister-in-law. If for no other reason, the pressure is once again off of me to give my mom another grand-child. (One day she’ll figure out that’s soooo not happening. Nothing against kids. I like being an aunt. I just don’t think I need any kids of my own to screw up.) Not quite sure what my dad and step-mom are thinking. Granted, my step-mom is only like 18 months older than I am, so her having kids is not that odd. My dad on the other hand will be in his mid-70’s when these kids graduate from high school. My family is so very odd sometimes…

“When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies" – J.M. Barrie

Killer Head

Let me clarify something about my jigsaw puzzle post from yesterday. It was not intended to be negative or depressing. I still don't think it reads that way, although from someone else's perspective I can see how it might. It was just me "puzzling" out some images and thoughts I had in my head :)

Today I woke up with a killer headache. It's been with me all day. I'm not sure where it came from. I'm not hungover. I drank all of 1/2 a drink last night. Must just be one of those days, but I wish I could kill it. My head just keeps pulsing and pounding and mostly what it's doing is pissing me off. It's one of those headaches that probably requires good medication or great sex. I vote for great sex, but the meds are prolly easier to come by on a Sunday night... I guess I should just take some drugs and go to bed. Maybe I'll have some good sex dreams that will cure it ;) It seems stupid to go to bed at 9PM, especially since that will just bring Monday morning (and work) about that much sooner, but that's looking like my best option at this point. I just hope the coming week is not as fucked up as the last one was...

"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap." -- Carrie Snow

Jigsaw Puzzles

How do you create the picture of a life? Is it something that can be painted? or sketched? or photographed? My brother is a hell of an artist and I'm a pretty fucking good photographer and I honestly can't see either one of us coming up with just the right kind of imagery that would definitively represent life as I see it these days. For some reason lately I have come to envision my life as some sort of warped jigsaw puzzle. I just know that if I can ever get all these fucking pieces to fit together somehow that it will be a beautiful thing. (I do have a sneaking suspicion though that one of the problems with the puzzle in my box is that I have more than one puzzle to work with here. It seems to be that someone with a really twisted sense of humor threw a bunch of different puzzles into the same box and it has somehow become my task, my quest, to get them all sorted out. I'm not quite sure who that someone is or why they thought it might be fun to watch me attempt to sort all this out, but then the universe is full of fun little mysteries like that, isn't it?) Most people I know who work jigsaw puzzles seem to follow the tried-and-true pattern of finding all the edge pieces and putting them together first so that they at least have some sort of framework to start with and then they can work their way inward to fill out the middle. I get that. It makes sense. I generally don't work puzzles that way, but then logic usually doesn't figure it's way into most of my behaviors, so why should puzzle working be any different? I do however recognize the importance of those edge pieces and their inherent ability to contain the puzzle as a whole. In the puzzle of my life, those edge pieces are my friends and family. They help to define who I am. The problem here is that those edge pieces are getting harder and harder to find. I have a couple of those pieces that have been lost entirely and have left gaping holes in their wake. I have others that keep skittering toward the edge of the table and threatening to slide off the edge where they will undoubtedly slide across the floor and end up under the couch or behind the refrigerator and I might never find them again. I can't afford to lose any more of my edge pieces. They were rare enough to begin with. I can't finish this fucking puzzle without them. At this point I'm tempted to glue some of them to the fucking table to keep them from getting lost. Even if I manage to hold this framework together, what then? Do I (or will I) have enough memories, and knowledge, and hopes, and dreams, and accomplishments to fill in the empty spaces in the middle? Will I be terribly sad if I don't? Is everything else a waste if there are still leftover gaps and spaces and I have nothing to fill them in with? Is the joy of putting a puzzle together it's own reward? Or does the finished result have to be amazing in order to make the process of completing it worthwhile? Puzzles are tenuous art at best. Even if you do manage to finish putting one together, they are nothing but broken pieces held together mostly by whim. They are fragile. They are perpetually cracked and fragmented and can be taken apart in an instant. Is it pointless to try and put my puzzle together at all? Is it worth the time and effort? Or should I just throw the pieces back in the box, close the lid, and put everything back in the closet to collect dust? There are lots and lots of questions that I need answered and when all is said and done, I guess I'm the only one that can answer them. No one else is ever really going to care if my puzzle gets finished. They all have their own to work on. That's how life works. We all sit at our own little tables, moving the pieces around, and hoping to God we have everything we need and that somehow they will all fit together just right. Sometimes people come over to help us, and those days are great, but most of the time it is a solitary game that we have to finish for ourselves or else choose not finish at all.

"Where do you go to get a new life when the old one has you so puzzled you don't know how to fix it?" -- Laurell K. Hamilton - "Cerulean Sins"

Scary Playboy Bunnies

Recently a lot of my blogs seem to have been following a trend that goes something like this, "See, I've got this friend..." I must say, my friends seem to keep my life interesting. Apparently turn about is fair play and it was my turn to add a little drama to someone else's life. (Before going further, make sure you read my blog from yesterday. Things will be much clearer if you do.) So anyway, I skipped out of work for lunch yesterday afternoon and when I got back I had an AIM message from a friend of mine that said, "So, what certain specific people are you thinking about licking in certain specific places?" He had then signed off so I couldn't write him back. It was actually kinda funny because I had mentioned to another friend of mine that I had been good and refrained from mentioning exactly who and what I had been thinking about licking when I posted that. (Actually, there were a couple of people and places I had in mind, but I digress, and I'm not one to kiss [or lick] and tell ;) Well, I got home from work and logged into AIM and saw that my friend was online again and so I responded to his message from earlier. My response may have been a bit... ummm.... "racy." It was probably not the best thing to message a guy that I'm not sleeping with (and never have for that matter), but we flirt a lot and honestly it was meant in jest. That would have been all fine and good had it actually been my friend who was on the other end of the message. It wasn't. It was his girlfriend. She was seriously NOT amused. I apologized and tried to explain that there was nothing going on and that I was just kidding around, but she didn't seem to be buying that and ultimately I just logged out of AIM. About 15 minutes later my friend called. He wasn't angry with me. He seemed more annoyed that his GF had logged onto his computer, but it was still awkward. He said he doesn't blame her for being mad at him about it. (Apparently its an on-again-off-again kinda thing with her and he has given her plenty of reason not to trust him in the past.) Still, I feel bad that I sorta got him into trouble. It really was innocent flirting. We do it all the time. Now I have to play nice and not message him for awhile. He said he'll message me. (We even have a secret code phrase so I'll know it's really him. It's like being in the Justice League or something :) But how stupid is that? How the fuck do I end up in situations like this? This is why it sucks when most of your friends are guys. Eventually girlfriends always seem to come into play and most of them don't seem to have a sense of humor when it comes to other women playing around with their men. Go figure. I'm not a bad person. I'm not looking to sleep with this guy. We're just friends and there isn't a chance in hell that it would ever be more than that. His current girlfriend is a fucking Playboy Playmate. I couldn't compete with that if I wanted to. How has my life become so fucking strange? Can someone explain this to me? Please. I really want to know...

"You really should figure out why the only real estate that ever seems to interest you is located at the base of an active volcano. " -- Michael Lutin

Good Enough to Lick

I'm going to continue to focus on being happy. I'm not going to stress over my job. If I'm meant to be doing something else then eventually I will find what I am seeking. Call it Fate. Call it Karma. Call it God. If the Powers-That-Be (yes, that's an "Angel" reference for those of you who might have missed it) see fit to send me down another path, then I'll be ready, with my bags packed, when the time comes for me to take that journey. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the things in my life that make me happy. My horse, my friends, my family, my writing. I refuse to waste any more of my time on things that only threaten to drag me back into the throes of the depression that I have been so prone to lately. It just takes too much out of me to fight against things and people and opinions that I have no control over anyway. So let's all just take some Percocet, wash it down with some good strong coffee, and eat some blueberry donut holes and everything will be ok...

On a sorta related note (a bizarre, fucked-up, sorta related note anyway), I have developed this weird oral fixation lately. I keep wanting to lick things. People mostly. I just happened to notice recently that I seem to make a lot of references to licking things all of a sudden. Apparently the other night when I was somewhat inebriated I kept asking if I could lick people at the bar. Fortunately I have good friends who try to keep me out of trouble when I drink too much and to the best of my knowledge I didn't actually follow through on that impulse :) Then there was the incident with this cute guy I was flirting with at CPK a week or so ago and as we were leaving I asked Lindy if she thought it would freak him out if I ran back up to the window and licked the glass next to where he was sitting. I had a distinct visual image of it in my head that at the time didn't seem all that strange. Reality took hold and I didn't actually do it, but still... I've been having these thoughts a lot. They usually involve licking certain specific people in certain specific places, but let's not get into those details here ;) Maybe I'm just really horny. Maybe I have a salt deficiency. Maybe I'm just fucking insane. Anything is possible. I guess whatever makes me happy, huh?

"Blowjobs make the world go 'round, just in case you still thought it was love." -- Jill Conner Browne

180 Degrees of Separation

I had one hell of a post all written and ready to put up. It was seriously fucked up and included a quote from "Dante's Inferno" and everything. It was dark and morose and totally would have dragged all the happy people out there down into Hell with me. But you know what? I don't want to do that. I'm trying very, very hard not to suck everyone else into the darkness that I feel closing in on me and actually, I'm really pretty adamant about not getting engulfed by it again myself. So, today will be a good day. I will it to be so. I will not be unhappy. I will not be depressed. Today will be the Ying to yesterday's Yang. As it is spoken, so let it be :)

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called." - A.A. Milne - "Winnie-the-Pooh"

The Truth is Out There

Here's a suggestion - if you're looking to feel better about yourself, don't call someone who's been pissed off at you for the past 6 months. (I know, I know. This is probably common sense, but when have I ever been rational about these types of things?) It's just that having one of your friends put a bullet in their brain for no apparent reason tends to make you reevaluate your priorities and since I've been on a Nine Inch Nails-worthy downward spiral since Friday I decided I needed to do something more altruistic and try to salvage one of my other relationships that I had been neglecting. Yeah, well, things didn't quite work out that way. The basic back story is, I have this really good friend who I've known about 1/2 my life. Last summer we had a bit of a falling out and by unspoken agreement agreed to stay the fuck out of each other's lives for awhile. I felt "awhile" needed to end last night so I called him. The conversation didn't go so badly to begin with. He seemed pleased to hear from me and we kinda caught up. We then somehow got on the topic of men and women's perceptions of each other and he decided it was time to "enlighten" me on how he thinks men look at me. Basically he said that people who don't know me tend to think I'm a real bitch. I'm too quiet and when I do choose to speak up I tend to be very opinionated and confrontational. From his point of view he thinks that makes me look challenging and probably intrigues a lot of guys into wanting to have sex with me, but that it doesn't garner much respect. More accurately, he said, "You're the kind of girl that guys want to fuck, but not the kind of girl that guys want to date." (Ouch.) The hits just kept on coming. I'm too aggressive. I'm too paranoid. I'm too moody. I'm a control freak. I don't trust people. (Did I mention this guy is one of my best friends?) It was just an overall ugly, harsh attack. Sadly, it's not entirely untrue. A bit blunt maybe, but not untrue. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself. I had just buried it so deep I had forgotten it was there. I know I suck at relationships. I gave up on having a healthy one a long time ago. You can only get slapped down so many times before you stop wanting to get back up again. It's easier to just make yourself numb and quit giving a fuck about anyone but yourself. That's why my circle of friends is as small as it is. I should probably be angry and upset over all of this, but I'm really not. It was not a fun call, but ultimately I think it was a good one; and a necessary one. I needed to hear these things from someone I love. From anyone else they wouldn't have mattered. From anyone else I would be a fucking basketcase today. I have always demanded honesty from my friends. Well, I got what I asked for in spades in this case. So, the reevaluation of my priorities continues. Obla-dee-Obla-dah....

"The truth has a price. You just have to decide if you're willing to pay it." -- J.T. Walsh - "Dark Skies"

In the Presence of a Master

I like art. Always have. I generally prefer my art a little edgy and surreal (Dali, Cezzanne, Chagall, Munch, Picasso, etc) so have never really gone in much for the Impressionists. I like some Monet. I like some Van Gogh. ("Crows Over the Wheatfield" is one of my all-time favorite works.) The High Museum has had a big Van Gogh exhibition going on for the past few months. I kept meaning to go and just never got around to it. I had seen "Starry Night" when it was here a couple years back and "Crows" never leaves Amsterdam so I wasn't too broken up about not going. Well, Sunday was the closing day of the exhibit and my brother, Garett and my sister-in-law, Michele really, really wanted to see it so I agreed to go along. I'm glad I did. There ended up being a couple of his works that I didn't know and really liked. In particular there is one called "Pine Trees at Sunset" that was truly amazing. It's a fairly dark piece for a Van Gogh. He painted it towards the end of his life when he was starting to get really fucking crazy, so maybe that was why I liked it as much as I did. So, like I said, I'm glad I went. It was a nice quiet way to spend the afternoon and I needed that after the craziness of the past few days.

"Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat." -- Julia Roberts - "Notting Hill"

Drink-and-Dial

I found myself sitting in a bar in Buckhead two nights in a row. How the fuck did that happen? I haven't been out in Buckhead in forever and yet there I was. Friday night and Saturday night. I must have lost my mind... again....
Here's the story. Lindy and I have this friend, Shawn who owns a bar down there called "Robert's." It's a cool little place and it's not crazy busy and populated with bubble-headed blondes who can't seem to afford to buy clothes for themselves and so have to go out half naked. Basically not your typical Buckhead bar. It's just a good place to hang out and drink (and as it turns out a good place to play some poker too.)
Friday was a bad day for me. I lost a good friend of mine and spent the day vacillating back and forth between anger and sadness. Come Saturday afternoon, I had slipped firmly into denial and by Saturday night really just wanted to drink myself into oblivion. So I did. Friday night I didn't drink much. Saturday was a whole different story. I honestly don't know how much I drank. I kept finding beverages in front of me and so I continued to consume them. Walking became an issue so I stopped attempting it. My speech skills left me shortly thereafter. I do remember that at one point I proudly announced, "I feel like a duck!" What the ??? I have no idea what that means, so don't even ask... At some point around midnight I decided it was time to start calling people to share in my little intoxication adventure. I called two of my favorite men and left what I'm sure were very entertaining voice-mails for them... of course at that point I was probably speaking in tongues so the messages may have made no sense at all. Who knows? Certainly not me. I'm sure they will fill me in. (Hey Michael - I vaguely remember mentioning a trip to Vegas this week. I may still be going, so lemme know :)
I don't feel as bad this morning as I would have predicted. My brain feels heavy and a little fuzzy and I'm moving at about 3/4 speed, but normally after a night like that I feel like I've been hit by a fucking bus. So woo hoo! for that at least. Anyway it was a fucked up kinda couple of days... I'm going to go have some Advil for breakfast and spend the rest of my day consuming vast quantities of SmartWater. Hopefully by this afternoon I'll be fully functional again.

"What stops you killing yourself when you're intoxicated out of your mind is the thought that once you're dead you won't be able to drink anymore." -- Marguerite Duras

One Calm Summer Night

This poem is stuck in my head today so I thought I'd share. It's not particularly cheery, but fuck it. I'm going to post it anyway...

Richard Cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim.

And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich - yes, richer than a king -
And admirably schooled in every grace;
In fine we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place.

So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.

- Edwin Arlington Robinson

Sales Rats

"About a Boy" is one of my favorite films so I was pretty psyched to see Paul Weitz' newest movie, "In Good Company." It has a good cast. Dennis Quaid, Topher Grace, and Scarlett Johansson are all very talented. I have mixed feelings about how this film turned out. Overall I'd have to say I liked it. The script was a little weak and went for some cheap laughs. It also took awhile to get going and had some slow spots throughout, but parts of it were very, very good. Topher Grace in particular was outstanding. This kid is a really good fucking actor. I hope we continue to see more of him on the big screen. (Of course I can't watch him now - especially in this film - without picturing his scene in "Ocean's Twelve.") I will say that I'm glad I had passes for this movie. I'm not sure that I would have been thrilled if I had paid to see it. So there it is. Not a glowing review I know. I did like it. I just didn't like it as much as I had hoped I would.

"You're really jumpy. What happened? Did you switch from mochas to crack?" -- Dennis Quaid - "In Good Company"

Transmogrification

I was going to save this post for tomorrow, but couldn't resist putting it up now. So, you guys get 2 posts today. Lucky you! I know you're all thrilled. Here is my response to the time travel guy:

I have the technology you seek! I too have had my life destroyed by the evil beings of which you speak. Mine were from the Gamma quadrant of the Horsehead Nebula. Where did yours hail from? It took me many years to perfect the technology that allowed me to escape from their evil clutches. I found the dimensional warp on the 3000 series models to be a little "wonky" on re-entry so I went with the 2600 model instead and was very pleased. As far as teleportation goes, I find it overrated. If the temporal reversion is working correctly then the teleportation function is just overkill. Please send me the specs on the type of travel you want to do (how far back you want to go, if you want it to be a permanent past-location or if you want to return to the present or future at some point, etc) The more info you can give me, the better I will be able to assist you in this matter. I highly recommend looking into transmogrification options as well. You would maintain your current consciousness, but in a different form. This would reduce the chances of your persecutors being able to track you down again since obviously you have something they want. Please contact me as soon as possible as I have several others interested in this technology as well and I only take on one project at a time.

Please, please, please let this guy write me back. I know it's probably not nice to fuck with the crazy people out there like this, but c'mon... There's just so much fun waiting to be had here...

"We all have our time machines. Some take us back, they're called memories. Some take us forward, they're called dreams." -- Jeremy Irons - "The Time Machine"

Blueberry Donut Holes

I've been craving blueberry donut holes for 2 days now. Dammit...

On a totally unrelated note, I saw "Elektra" at a screening on Tuesday night. I was very, very disappointed. The film was well cast. (Kirsten Proust in particular was very good.) Jennifer Garner has always seemed like a good choice for this character in my mind. She was one of the few highlights of "Daredevil." I loved the trailer for this film. It had such potential. How is it that people continue to fuck up superhero movies? Have the studios learned nothing from "Spider-man" and "The X-Men?" (And hell, throw "The Incredibles" into the mix too. It may be the best superhero movie ever. Just 'cause it's animated shouldn't keep it off the list...) That's how to make comic book movies. It can be done! They should not be that hard to make and Elektra is a cool character with a cool story. This movie could have fucking rocked! But it didn't. It was slow. The fight scenes were badly edited. The effects were second rate, especially for a film with the kind of budget that I'm sure this one had. It may be better than "Daredevil." I'm not quite sure which one I liked less. "Daredevil" at least had Colin Farrell and some kickass action sequences. The more I think about "Elektra" the less I like it. I guess I should have known when Jason Isaacs died less than 10 minutes into the film that there were huge problems ahead...

Let's just hope "Batman Begins" and "Sin City" don't have similar problems. (I don't hold out much hope for the "Fantastic Four" film.) If nothing else, at least BB has Christian Bale going for it, so that's a start...

"Living is strife and torment, disappointment and love and sacrifice, golden sunsets and black storms. I said that some time ago, and today I do not think I would add one word." -- Sir Laurence Olivier

The Best SPAM Ever

I got this in my e-mail yesterday. I don't know how SpamBlocker missed this one, but I'm glad it did...

Hello,

If you are a time traveler or alien and or in possession of government or alien technology I need your help! My entire life and health has been messed with by evil beings! If you have access to the carbon copy replica model #50 3000 series, the dimensional warp, temporal reversion or something similar please reply! I simply need the safest method of transferring my consciousness or returning to my younger self with my current mind/memory. I need an advanced time traveler to work with who can help me, I would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. This is not a joke! I am serious!

He then included an e-mail address. I soooo need to write this guy back and tell him that "Yes, I have the technology you seek!" If we can get an e-mail thread going here, this could be blog fodder for weeks.... Crazy people are fun to fuck with ;)

"Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't take Lorraine out that he'd melt my brain." -- Crispin Glover - "Back to the Future"

Boys Are Stupid - Throw Rocks at Them

First off, if anyone can find me a t-shirt with that slogan on it, I'll love you forever. They are produced by a company called David and Goliath and they got recalled here in the US because people in this country have no fucking sense of humor. Seems kinda dumb for me to have to order one all the way from the freakin' UK...

So I got an e-mail from my ex this morning. He is still not working and is obviously still pissed off at me about that, but overall the e-mail was an apology for his recent behavior. I'm not sure what he hoped to accomplish by apologizing. It's waaay past too late for that. It was nice of him to admit that he's an asshole and all of this bullshit is his fault, but it doesn't change things. I think it has probably finally sunk into his little brain that he really fucked up this time and now he thinks he can fix things by simply saying he's sorry. News Flash! Not happening this time. I'm not going to bother to respond to his e-mail. That would just encourage him. I'm sure he'll read this post anyway. I'm not the one he needs to be apologizing to at this point. He needs to apologize to his current girlfriend if he has any hope of salvaging that relationship. Personally, I hope she tells him to go fuck himself.

"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid." -- Heinrich Heine

Movie Wasteland

It's 10 days into January and I have not seen a movie in the theatre yet... and I'm not horribly distraught about it. How's that for sticking to my "not obsessing" resolution? Last year at this time, I think I had already seen like 5 films... Of course I've got 3 screenings this week, so I do plan to remedy my movieless state in a big way. Tuesday is "Elektra," Wednesday is "The Woodsman," and Thursday is "In Good Company." Also, "House of Flying Daggers" finally opens here this Friday. Can't wait to see that one. I realize there are people out there that don't see 4 films in a year and I'm going to do 4 in a week and will feel like I'm behind. My obsessive streak is ingrained fairly deeply into my psyche. I can't overcome it completely overnight. Still, you have to admit, I am getting better :)

"Single-mindedness is all very well in cows or baboons; in an animal claiming to belong to the same species as Shakespeare it is simply disgraceful." -- Aldous Huxley

PS - It was pointed out to me that I initially forgot to include my daily profanity in this post. Well, fuck! There you go, at least I have my dear readers to keep me on track ;) Thanks for the catch Mikey!

Passion

The quote below is from Angel when he was still on "Buffy." It's a great quote. I originally had a much different post written to go with it. I had some fucked up dreams last night that woke me up and so I found myself writing at about 3AM. At that time of the morning, musings on deep-rooted fantasies, dark passions, and hidden desires make a hell of a lot of sense. It was a good post, but by the harsh light of day I realized that it said things I'm not willing to share and went places that I just don't want to go right now. As I think I mentioned in a previous post this week, you people already know way too fucking much about me as it is. I know that's kinda cryptic and will probably set people to wondering what the fuck could possibly have been in that other post. (But as the Dread Pirate Roberts once said, "Get used to disappointment.")

Maybe I'll put it up at a later date. We'll see. Today is just not the day. So in the meantime, enjoy some Wedon-esque wisdom and revel in the fact that it's finally Friday.

"Passion. It lies in all of us. Waiting. And though unwanted, it will stir, open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us, guides us. Passion rules us all... and we obey.
What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments. The clarity of hate and the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion maybe we would know some kind of peace, but we would be hollow, empty rooms. Shuttered and dank. Without passion we'd be truly dead." -- David Boreanaz - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Somebody Save Me

Worked sucked yesterday. In retaliation I decided to create my own little "Smallville" drinking game. This game is intended to oblitirate all memory of a bad day at the office. If played correctly, it should do just that. Like most drinking games it doesn't have much of a point aside from giving all involved a flimsy excuse to consume vast quantities of alcohol. I recommend not playing alone. Sitting at home by yourself playing drinking games is probably not a sign of anything good. So, here are the rules to the game:

1) Any time Clark removes his shirt - take a drink.
2) Any time Chloe goes into "investigative reporter" mode - take a drink
3) Any time we see one of Lex's cars - take a drink - if it's a car worth more than 100K - take 2 drinks
4) Any time one of Clark's parents ends up in mortal danger - take a drink
5) Any time Lex and Lionel have a father-son "chat" - take a drink
6) Hell, anytime Lex appears onscreen I say take a drink. In a particularly "Lex-centric" ep, this one could really do you in :)
7) Any time Clark kisses Lana - take 2 drinks - this one doesn't happen nearly as often as you would think
8) Any time Clark and Lana decide to "just be friends" - take a drink
9) Any time you see Kryptonite - take a drink
10) Any time Clark uses one of his powers - take a drink
11) Any time Clark's parents talk about "protecting Clark's secret" - take drink
12) Any time someone tries to warn Clark about Lex being "bad" - take a drink
13) Any time someone makes a reference to something that comes up later in the Superman mythology (i.e. Jonathan referring to Clark's loft as his "Fortress of Solitude") - Take 3 drinks - you have to be a total comic book geek to get most of these references, so you might as well be rewarded for all that otherwise useless fucking trivia you carry around in your head :)

I'm going to stick with my 13 themed list thing here. (Thanks to Steev for coming up with a couple of these!) Feel free to add your own rules as you see fit. New eps of "Smallville" start back up on 01/26, but there are repeats on the ABC Family Channel nearly every night if you want to get some serious drinking time in...

"Trust me, Clark. Our friendship is going to be the stuff of legend." -- Michael Rosenbaum - "Smallville"

Coffee Shop of Horrors

I'm really at a loss for anything to post today. It's a Wednesday the first week in January. What the fuck is there that could possibly be blog worthy? There aren't even any major movies opening this weekend. "White Noise" and that's it. I like Michael Keaton but I'm not sure about this movie. "Elektra" is next week. (My passes better be in the fucking mail, Nick!) I guess I could talk about my favorite drug. Caffeine. Mmmmm. Coffee. Don't remember if I've mentioned it before, but there's this great little coffee shop up in Gainesville, GA near my lake house. It's called The Coffee Shop of Horrors. It's a horror-themed coffee house. It's like they built this place just for me. On top of being a very novel concept, their coffee fucking rocks! The blends have great names like "Burial Grounds," "Zombie Dirt," and "Graveyard Shift." The first time I tried their coffee, the guy asked me what kind of coffee I liked and I said something dark with as much caffeine as they could pump into it. Well, I got what I asked for. He gave me something called "Re-Animator" and I was awake for 3 days. I'm not kidding. I think they must mix it with cocaine or something. Right now I'm into "Papua New Guinea" and "Shrieking Toad." Both good coffees that are not nearly as time-altering as "Re-Animator." So if you're into the caffeine trip like I am, go check out their website. Or if you happen to be up the Gainesville way for some reason, drop by the shop. They're right on the square downtown. It's an interesting place to drink some damn good coffee.

"I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." - T.S. Eliot - "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"

The Good Drugs

You people officially know too much about my life. I'm not sure what it is about this blog that compels me to share as much information as I do. We'll just call it therapy and leave it at that I guess. It's definitely cathartic for me and it's a cheap way of exorcising some of my inner demons. It's waaaay less expensive than going to an actual therapist or buying another horse or taking expensive medication or something like that. Blogging and gaming. The therapy of the new millennium...

So, I went to this party on New Year's Eve. Had a great time. Got to hang out with some cool people. Drank too much. The usual. What wasn't usual was that I also ended up stoned. You think I'm a lightweight when it come to drinking? You should see what pot does to me. You know that scene in "Garden State" where Zach takes the hit of X? He just sits on the couch and watches everything rush past him. That was me on Friday night. Only instead of everything moving around me in double time, everything slowed way the fuck down. It was like super slo-mo in a movie. Or watching people under water. It was very odd. I have never smoked pot. Just wasn't interested. During my brief experimentation phase with drugs in high school I skipped all that "gateway" crap and went right to the "good" stuff. Coke, speed, crystal-meth, acid (unintentionally). It's amazing I survived. Anyway, like I said, I never got into the smoking thing. I now know why. Everything just basically came to a dead halt. I sat in a chair and just got very, very mellow. The world could have come to an end and I'm not sure that I would have cared. I have a lot of friends who smoke. I'm not sure how they accomplish anything in that state. Moving seemed like an effort. To try and counteract it, I drank more. Probably not the best solution but what the hell. I figured I'd at least give it a try. It didn't help much. All I really wanted to do was sit there and just be (and eat like a dozen of these little mini eclair things). So, New Year's was eventful in a non-eventful kinda way. Still, it was a great party with a Twilight Zone kinda twist for me. Wouldn't have missed it for the world...

"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether." -- Hunter S. Thompson - "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

Michael and Mars

I can't think of anything exciting to post today and Jan 3rd is not one of my favorite dates on the calendar, so I'm not too motivated to be creative. So I'll go with an old standard and post a movie review. I know that I normally post reviews of new movies here, but thought I'd take a little departure from that and post a DVD review instead. I finally saw "Poolhall Junkies" this weekend. Now, I know most of you are asking yourself, "What the fuck is "Poolhall Junkies?'" Think "Rounders" with pool players instead of poker players and you'll get the idea. This film never went into wide release. It played a few film festivals and maybe a dozen or so art houses around the country but that was about it. I had to see it because my beloved Michael Rosenbaum is in it :) I adore Michael, but some of the recent theatrical releases he has been involved with have not been the greatest things to ever hit the big screen. (And trust me, he's one of the first to admit that.) Still, he seemed to be pleased with how Junkies turned out so I'd been wanting to see it for awhile now. Although he got 4th billing, Michael's part is fairly small. The script did not give much depth to his character, and as a result, his role didn't seem to be much of stretch for him. (He plays Mars' goofy, misguided brother.) Still, he does a good job with what he has to work with and even gets to sing in one scene. (It is weird to see him with hair though. I'm just too used to him as Lex at this point.) The real standout is writer/director/star, Mars Callahan though. I'd never even heard of this guy before this movie. That's partially why he went out and got this movie made. He wasn't getting any work so he decided to go out and just shoot his own picture. Sure, it's a low-budget indie, but it's actually a pretty good little film. In addition to Michael, the film also has Christopher Walken, Chazz Palminteri, and Alison Eastwood in it. Good performances all around. I was pleasantly surprised. (Although the comparisons to "Rounders" are undeniable, so it loses some points in the creativity column.) I suck at pool (there's math involved) so anyone who can play the game even remotely well tends to impress me, and there's a lot of good pool playing going on in this movie. Mainly it was nice to see Michael in a movie that I actually liked. It's definitely worth checking out if you get the chance.

"You beat them, you take their money, you call them names to their faces... and they love you. I don't know how you do it. I never saw anything like it. Beating a man out of his money, that's easy. Anybody can do that. But beating a man out of his money and making him like it... that's an art. That's the art of a true hustler." - Chazz Palminteri - "Poolhall Junkies"

Here We Go Again

Nothing specific today. Just wanted to say Happy New Year! Here's hoping 2005 fuckin' rocks!

"Hope is a word like a snow-drift - This is the Great Knowing, this is the Awakening, this is the Voidness - so shut up, live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry." -- Jack Kerouac - "Desolation Angels"