I should probably start by apologizing for my 2nd blog post from yesterday, but you know what? I’m not going to. I meant every fucking word. I’m not going to hide the fact that I am miserable at work. I have to get out of there. I’ve known it for a long time and have been half-heartedly looking for an alternative, but the half-heartedness part ends now. I’m not stupid. I’m not just going to up and quit, but it needs to be sooner rather than later. I feel things getting worse. This past month has been especially bad. I’ve tried really hard to pretend I’m happy so as not to upset the people around me. I joke about banging my head against a wall or drinking myself into oblivion, but they are starting to feel less and less like jokes and more and more like rational solutions to my problems. That’s not good. That’s actually kinda scary. I know I’m not a lot of fun these days, and I don’t want to drag my friends into my little neurotic world. They have got to be sick of it by now and I’ve never been the type of person who has been comfortable asking for help. There are days when I really need a shoulder to cry on and instead I just smile my way through the day and pretend that nothing’s wrong… Those are the bad days. They aren’t all like that… yet… but lately they have been more and more frequent. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. When you find yourself sitting in your car, in a freezing cold parking deck, trying to avoid going back to your desk and having a total meltdown, you have to realize that things are probably not all a-ok. That’s not the way to live a life. I sit in my little cube, day after fucking day, and I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve never been claustrophobic, but I feel those walls closing in on me and there are times I can barely breathe. I don’t want to feel that way anymore. I used to be happy. I remember being happy. I know its work. As soon as I walk out the door I feel that proverbial weight lift off my shoulders and I’m a totally different person. Fortunately, I have people in my life that (though they may not realize it) are helping me get through this madness I’m fighting right now. I am indebted to those people (3 of them in particular) forever because I know they are there if I need them. I promise to try very hard not to be too crazy or to inflict too much damage on them in the process. But, like I said, I’m not one to rely on others. Ultimately, this is something I have to get through myself. I have some things in my life I need to clear up. Things I need to simplify. I know my life is complicated right now, and if I hope to pack up and move to NYC or LA or Ireland or Prague or wherever, then I have some excess baggage (both literal and figurative) that I need to leave behind. I’m working on that. I WILL get where I am meant to go. In a fucked up kinda way I guess this is my thank you to those of you who have helped me to see things a bit more clearly lately. Us perpetual dreamers get lost from time to time and we need a guide to help us find our direction again. I’m not quite back on my path yet, but I can once again hear the traffic on the road I’m supposed to be on, so at least I know I’m getting close… I promise to thank all of you in my first Oscar speech :)
"I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore." - Ron Livingston - "Office Space."
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