Weddings and Babies

I did the family thing pretty much all weekend. On Saturday my cousin got married. I admit, I'm pretty cynical when it comes to marriage. I'm not saying I won't ever get married. I very well might. It's just going to take a fan-fucking-tastic guy to talk me into it... either that or it'll be a spur-of-the-moment thing. I'll end up in Vegas some crazy weekend saying, "I do." (Hopefully it'll still be with a fan-fucking-tastic guy though and not just some random lunatic I happened to fall in lust with. That would be bad.) With me, you never know though. My cousin and her new husband are great though. They are the kind of people who should be getting married. They've been together forever, it's obvious that they're madly in love with each other, and I give this marriage a shot at actually working out. They're also both disgustingly attractive people. They'll have beautiful children... Which brings me to the subject of kids. I spent a large chunk of today with my dad, my step-mom, and my 1/2 siblings. My half-brothers, Luke and Bryce, are ok. They're like 5 months old, sleep a lot, and seem like pretty happy babies. My half-sister, Rachael is another story entirely. She is 2 1/2 and is a total brat. She's one of those kids that demand attention and just makes life very complicated for everyone around her. Now if I was assured of having a kid like my nephew Bennett or my niece Morgan then I'd probably be more gung-ho on having a kid of my own, but after spending the day with Rachael I have to say that I'm really happy I have a puppy instead... and I was so proud or Roland today. He put up with Rachael really well. He was very well-behaved and tolerated having his ears pulled and his toys taken away from him, and he never once growled or snapped or did anything that most annoyed puppies would do. He's such a good boy :) My half-sister could take some lessons from him... The weekend proved to be much too short though. Hopefully this week will go by quickly. It should. I expect we'll be pretty busy. Next Saturday I'm going to take Roland to Dog Beach. I can get some sun and he can play in the ocean with the other dogs. It should be fun.

"Sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved. The real milestones are less prepossessing. They come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. Our lives are measured by these" -- Susan B. Anthony

The Eyes Have It

As predicted, work was busy yesterday. The day went by quickly and I finally feel I'm getting a handle on what it is I'm supposed to be doing. I hate that feeling of "lostness" that comes at the start of a new job. I did meet this really cool guy yesterday. You know how sometimes when you meet someone you just "click" with them? It doesn't happen to me very often, but with this guy there was just this "vibe." He was good-looking, but not in that traditional, Solo-Flex body, square-jawed, Hollywood kinda way. I think mostly it was those arresting, ice-blue eyes... but anyway, I talked with him quite a bit and we went over what he's putting on his new headshots (yes, of course he's an actor) and I was just really drawn to him. I'd write it off to me just being horny, but I don't think that was it. I don't know. I'm just speculating. He just kept grinning at me in this really endearing way that made it really hard to concentrate. Not that it really matters. I'm looking forward to Tuesday when he comes back to approve his test prints, but it's not like I'm going to go out with him or anything. At this point I think it would take a pretty amazing guy to make me even consider getting back into the dating game. It's just not worth it. Besides, I don't know where I would find the time to go out right now anyway... That's it for today. I have a wedding to go to this afternoon. Fun. Fun. Fun.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed." -- Albert Einstein

Dog Tired

My big news today is that I'm an aunt again. My brother and his wife welcomed my new nephew into the world yesterday afternoon. His name was going to be Ryan, but at the last minute they changed their minds and decided he should have the same first name as my brother, so he is now Garett Giovanni. I don't know when I'll get home to meet him. I was going to go back Labor Day weekend, but I don't know that I'll be able to pull that off. I'll know better in a week or so. Otherwise, I might not get back until Christmas... Today was a long day. I got into work early because for some reason there was like no traffic. We ended up being really busy and I didn't even have a chance to leave for lunch. On top of all that I ended up having to stay late. At least traffic was good on the way home too. Still, it was not a bad day. I ended up talking to one of my favorite actresses on the phone and she was really, really nice. I also take back everything I said about the actors in this town being shallow. I didn't know what shallow was until I spent close to an hour on the phone with a male underwear model discussing retouching his portfolio pics to remove some freckles over his left nipple. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind looking at pictures of a hot and mostly naked man for the better part of an hour, but still it was a really odd conversation... Roland is proving too smart for his own good. Today he managed to lock himself in my apartment. I let him out this morning before I left for work. I usually don't bother to lock the door. (I live out in the middle of nowhere and we have locking electric gates you have to get through to even get onto the property.) Well, my front door opens with a lever type handle that you push down on. Roland figured out how to work that pretty quickly. At some point he let himself in and then the door must have closed behind him because he couldn't get back out. He was good though and didn't do any damage when left to his own devices. He did get all his toys and several stuffed animals out and put them on my bed though. They were just piled up there when I got home. I guess he missed me :) Like most of the men in my life, he is awfully cute and very charming. He also didn't really do anything wrong so I couldn't be mad at him or anything. It was actually kinda funny and I felt bad that he ended up being cooped up inside for probably most of the day. I guess I'll have to start locking the door now... Ok, it's time for this little girl and her puppy to get some sleep. Tomorrow promises to be another long (but hopefully good) day.

"You know, everyone I know is fighting to get back what they had. I'm fighting because I don't know how to do anything else." - Katee Sackhoff - "Battlestar Galactica"

The Pretty People

Sorry for not posting yesterday. I was just way too tired to do anything by the time I got home from work. I'm going to be crazy busy at this new job and we're in a slow period right now. Things apparently really pick up mid-August and are then nuts through the end of October. Well, at least the days will go by quickly. I really dig my new job though. There's a lot of information to try to absorb, but the people I work with are great. Fortunately I have a photography background. I'd be fucked if I was starting from ground zero in this job. There is also something to be said for having cute actors flirt with you all day... and if there's one thing the actors in this town seem to be good at, it's flirting. Most of them don't have any real talent, but still, they're pretty to look at, and it's always nice to have a pretty guy tell you how nice you look... I'm not fooled though. The guys in this town are as fake as the sets on the studio back lots. They will tell you anything you want to hear if they think it'll get them something. There doesn't seem to be any real depth to any of them that I've met so far. But at least they make the day more interesting. I talked to one guy on the phone today who really turned on the charm. It was like he just couldn't help it. I had the advantage in that I was looking at his headshot at the time and so I knew he was yummy. He didn't have a fucking clue what I look like. He found himself talking to a girl and so he just slipped into that "mode." He's coming in tomorrow to pick up his pictures. I'm kinda looking forward to seeing him in person. Ah, the weird little perks of my new job. As busy as it is, I still have to say it doesn't suck to be me right now :)

"No, no, you've always had that wrong about me. I really am this shallow." -- Hugh Grant - "About A Boy"

The New Man In My Life

My post today should really be about my first day at my new job, but my boss got stuck out of town and so now I don't start work until tomorrow. Instead let's talk about my new boy. He's hairy, and he drools, and he doesn't wipe his feet when he comes in the house. His name is Roland and he's a German Shepherd puppy. The thing with the wolf didn't work out and I'd looked into adopting a couple of different Dalmatians, but apparently I was not supposed to have them either. So today I found myself back at the animal shelter. The next thing I knew I was leaving with this German Shepherd. He's 6-8 months old and is not the typical black and tan GSD you usually see. He's a color called red sable. Basically he's black and this bright coppery red. He's very cute. His ears don't stand up totally yet so he has this perpetual lop-sided look, but it gives him personality :) He knows basic commands, seems to be housebroken, and is still in a goofy puppy phase. Even so he's fairly calm. He rode in the car well and was unphased when I let him in my apartment. He looked around a little, then found a corner he liked and promptly feel asleep. He gets along great with Casper and even comes to me when I call him. Right now he is lying in front of the TV watching "Battlestar Galactica" very contentedly. He even has good taste in television shows. Can you tell I'm totally thrilled with him already? Here are some pics:

http://ancalagonmorgans.com/Roland.htm

"You can say any foolish thing to do to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" -- Dave Berry

A Strange Disturbance In The Force

Could someone please explain to me what the fuck I'm doing up at this time of the morning? Granted, I did stay up of my own volition until almost 2:00, but there were some orcs that needed killing so that's perfectly understandable. Why I can't seem to stay asleep now is not. I'll drift off but then the bizarro dreams come and I wake back up. They don't make any sense, but are filled with a sense of foreboding that has me a little freaked out. It's too early to start calling my east coast friends to check on them, and too late to call the west coast ones. I'm sure everything is ok, but just because the rational side of me knows that doesn't mean I'm still not worried. If the dreams were more specific, it would be worse I guess, but at least then I would know who to be worried about. I hate when I have nights like this. This would be a really bad time for me to have one of my bouts with insomnia. My sleep patterns are fucked up already. I haven't had any real reason to be on a schedule for months now, so getting back to the working world on Monday will force that to change very quickly. That may be part of my problem tonight. I KNOW I should be asleep and so the harder I try, the more awake I get. (See, I'm not just frustrating to other people, I'm frustrating to myself as well sometimes.) Bits and pieces of these dreams do have a reason. I started work on a new screenplay on Friday afternoon and the subject matter has wormed it's way into my subconscious. That doesn't surprise me at all. I wish I had it in me to write a comedy. The whole writing process would be much less emotionally draining to me then I think. Instead I pick heavy, dark subjects and while being very therapeutic and cathartic, it still takes a lot out of me to write them. It also seems to result in my babbling incoherently on my blog in the middle of the night... Tomorrow night (actually tonight if you want to be accurate) I will definitely be taking my Tylenol PM at a reasonable hour and knocking my ass out. I can't be up at nearly 5AM worrying about friends that I'm sure are actually fine, and stressing over a script that I've barely started. Not when I have to be up by 8:00 to get ready for work... Ok, so let's try to do this again... Everything will be alright by the light of day... I know I can fall asleep.... I know I can fall asleep... I know I can fall asleep...

"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." - Charlie Brown

Frothy Chocolatey Goodness

Let's forget for a second that I am borderline obsessed with Johnny Depp. That being said, he is still THE reason to go see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory." Yes, I love Tim Burton films and this is very much a Tim Burton film. Yes, I think Freddie Highmore was great as Charlie. And yes, Roy Deep is very entertaining as all the Oompa Loompas. This is still Johnny's film. He is creepy and funny and kooky and weird and just everything you expected him to be in this role. I loved it. The sets were great. The costuming was outstanding. The effects were well done. This is a beloved and well known story so the only question going in was how the cast was going to compare to the Gene Wilder original. The original is still a great film and it was one of Wilder's best performances. This movie rivals it though. They are as different as they are the same. It's hard to say wich one I like better. I lean towards the original, but then I get an image of Depp's Wonka in my head and it just makes me giggle. So I choose not to pick a favorite. I hereby pronounce them equally good. Now, if I could just get that insipid "Willy Wonka" song out of my head....

"Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies." -- Johnny Depp - "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"

Walking On The Sun

We are in the midst of the worst heat wave SoCal has seen in quite awhile. It’s been over 100 every day for at least a week now. On days like this, really the best thing to do is take a cold shower and then lie in bed naked and wait for the sun to go down. It’s a good thing my SmartWater has been on sale lately. I must be drinking gallons of the stuff these days. Even my dreams have been affected. Last night everything involved water or ice… granted there was also a naked man involved too. Well, at least I’m having lots of sex in my dream world. In the shower. In the pool. One particularly kinky one where he’s tracing ice cubes all over me… ok, we’re probably getting into TMI territory now. I’ll stop there since I’m sure the details about the one with the ice cream and my licking fetish would probably not be blog appropriate, but you get the idea :) Even my fish, Lucius is unhappy about the heat. I’ve had to refill his bowl twice this week because the water keeps evaporating… I went clothes shopping this morning. Now those of you who know me know how much I hate to shop. I love to spend other people’s money, but when I have to spend my own, it’s not so much fun. Still, I needed new clothes for work, so it was unavoidable. The upside was that everything I bought was a size 6. It’s been a long time since that happened. I think maybe my senior year in high school was probably the last time, so yeah, a really, really long time :) I guess all my stressing lately has been good for something. Now if I could just get a little more definition on these abs, things would be just peachy. I’m working on it, but as you all know, patience is not really my thing… I made a stop at the comic book shop today too. Lots of good books have come out in the last few weeks. That’s good. I needed stuff to read since finishing Harry Potter. These should keep me busy for a little while at least… Nothing else to report today. I think I’m going to take a nap and see if I can’t get my naked dream man to crack out the ice cream again. Then maybe I’ll go play some EQ. I could see spending some time in EverFrost tonight…

"Noble souls, through dust and heat, rise from disaster and defeat the stronger."-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Happy Dance

I hate to be cliche, but what a difference a day makes! All the prayers and finger-crossing paid off and I got the job I wanted in spite of the fact that I was 45 minutes late for my second interview. They must have really liked me to overlook that. I did have to swear on pain of death that I would never be late again. Hehe. You better believe that I will get to know every back road and side street between here and Hollywood in the next few days. I don't start until Monday, so I've got the time. So what is this job? I'm going to be running a photo lab in Hollywood. They work only on headshots for actors and models. They work with all the major photographers in town and are very well respected in the biz. My main job is to keep all the part-time help in line. The people that work the counter and handlle orders and stuff will all report to me. They are all actors that this is their "day job" so it's dealing with all the fun that goes with that. (People calling out because they have to get to an audition. Having to deal with the fallout when they come in after having been turned down for a part. Just dealing with the "drama queen" aspect of working with actors. That kinda stuff.) So basically I'm a customer service supervisor again, only with a bit of a twist. The other aspect of my job is holding the hand of some of the higher profile clients when they come in. If Brad Pitt wants to take an hour picking out the font he wants to go on his new headshot, then I sit there with him and help him do it. It's a tough job, but someone has to... well, you know how the rest of that goes :) So it's an interesting position for me. They wanted someone with strong customer service skills that also had some sort of background in photography and film. That would be me. I'm thrilled to have gotten this job. It pays well. I love the people I'm going to be working with. I think it will be fun. It's in a really cool part of town too. We're on N Highland Ave about a block up from Sunset Blvd. I'm 3 blocks from the Hollywood and Highland complex where the Kodak Theatre is (for you non movie freaks, that's where they hold the Oscars every year). All the streets in LA you've heard of are right there. Hollywood Blvd. Sunset Blvd. Santa Monica Blvd. I can see the Hollywood sign from our building. Did I mention how happy I am about getting this job?!? The timing could not have been better. It has driven all my crazed obsessing about running after HWMNBN right out of my head. In fact, I choose not to talk about him on this blog at all anymore. I plan on being happy Angie for awhile now. She's been gone for far too long. I've kinda missed having her around. Thanks again to everyone for all the support, both yesterday and over the last few crazy weeks.

"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared." -- Buddha

Gridlock

Disclaimer - This is yet another stupid, angst-ridden post from me. I swear I will try to stop posting about this crap soon. I'm just not quite there yet...

Can someone please tell me who I killed in a past life to get the karma I've had lately? Maybe I'm just one of those people who mischief and mayhem and heartache seem to love... I had some things I wanted to do in Hollywood before my interview this afternoon so I left my aprtment at 10:30 this morning. A full 2 hours before I had to be there. Now normally it takes me about 40 minutes to get down there. Not today. Today all 4 lanes of the 101 South were shut down. We had to take a detour off the freeway to get around whatever the hell it was that was going on. I finally got to my interview at 1:15. That's 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there. The interview still went marvelously and they said they understood my lateness, but I'm still fairly certain it destroyed any chance I had of getting this job. FUCK!!! If that's not enough, I can't seem to get my head screwed on straight in regards to my personal life either. Why is it that I'm only attracted to guys I can't have or that I shouldn't want? A guy told me recently that girls are only attracted to men who are bad for them and I told him he was nuts. Maybe that was the case when I was 24 and reckless and stupid, but I insisted that was not true now. Turns out that maybe he was onto something there. I went out with Dave on Saturday night and he seems like a nice guy. He's cute. He's fun. And I'm totally uninterested. We all know who my brain keeps wandering back to. The one guy that it shouldn't be thinking about. HWMNBN. I'm not stupid. I know better than to try and work things out with him yet again, but just because the rational side of me says that, doesn't mean the crazier 1/2 of me isn't tempted to pick up the phone. I'd write it off to me being lonely and horny, but if that was the case then I would have fucked Dave on Saturday night. Argh! I hate feeling like this. Someone please point out to me where exactly in the midst of all this bullshit I seem to have really fallen for this lunatic. Maybe it was there all along and I was just too fucking blind and stupid to realize it. I think it's more likely that in this fucked up brain of mine I just wasn't interested until it reached a point where I knew things would never work out between us. It's that whole wanting what you can't have thing. How did I get to be this broken? I've always kinda joked that it was impossible for me to be involved in a normal, healthy relationship. It's suddenly not so funny anymore because it's starting to get way too close to being the truth... I really need to get this job. Mainly because I need a job and I know I'd be good at this one, but also because I need the distraction. I need something more constructive to channel my energies into. A job would also stop this crazy compulsion I suddenly have to get on a plane and... no, I won't even go there.... it's a BAD, BAD, BAD idea... Somebody please just shoot me. It would make my life so much simpler...

"Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking." - The Tin Woodsman - "The Wizard of Oz"

PS - Thanks for all the well-wishes yesterday. Let's hope they pay off.

The Daily Prophet

I should have known that my plan to get 1/2 way through the new Harry Potter book yesterday was never going to work. By the time I hit that point, there was no turning back, no chance I was putting the book down. So I stayed up late and finished the whole damn thing. All 652 pages of it. I'm not going to really say anything about the book as I know most of the world hasn't finished it yet. Was it my favorite in the series? Not remotely. ("The Prisoner of Azkaban" and "The Order of the Phoenix" remain my 2 favs.) Still, it was a good read and set things up so that Book 7 should definitely be interesting. Now begins what I'm sure will be a 2+ year wait. Hopefully JK won't keep us waiting 3 years like she did between "Goblet of Fire" and "Phoenix." That would suck... Nothing else exciting to report today except to say that it's really fucking hot here again. 102º on the sign at the bank when I drove by earlier. Even without humidity, that's too hot to do much of anything... To top it all off I'm sick as a dog today. I got out of bed long enough to make a run to the grocery store for water and juice and that was it. I'm feeling a bit better tonight, but I seriously hope this is just a 24-hour thing. I have a 2nd interview for a job that I really want and it would suck to go feeling like this. If that interview doesn't work out then I have another one lined up for later in the afternoon too. I really, really, really want this first one to work out though. I like the company, I like the people I've met, and I think it would be a fun place to work. It also pays better than most other jobs I've looked into since coming out here, which is definitely an added bonus. My interview is at 12:30 California time so if you happen to glance at a clock about that time, say a little prayer, or cross your fingers and toes, or whatever it is you do to wish good karma upon someone. I need all the help I can get.

"Age is foolish and forgetful when it underestimates youth." -- Albus Dumbledore - "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince"

Elemental

So it's Sunday and I haven't really done much, but anything has to be an improvement over the past two days, right? I did talk to HWMNBN very briefly this morning. I was dead asleep when he called and didn't even look at the caller id before answering. It was a short conversation. He apologized for a bunch of shit. I told him I was glad he was sorry, as he very well should be, but that his apology changes nothing between us. He seemed sincere, and as I've said before, I wish him the best and hope he gets his life straightened out. Still, just talking to him for even a couple of minutes put me into kind of a funk. It really makes me sad that things turned out this way with him... I've spent most of my day so far reading "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." I'm about a 1/3 of the way through it and things are starting to get interesting. I plan to at least reach the 1/2 way point before the day is out... I also made about $1000 today which is nice. I had put a couple of things up for sale on ebay last week and the auctions all closed today. Everything sold for much more than I had hoped to get. Woo and Hoo and God bless PayPal. I can just put that money directly into my checking account and not have to wait for checks to clear or anything... So against my better judgement I ended up going out with Dave last night. He called me about 10 and said he could get us into this club called Element. This is one of the weird invite-only clubs that are so popular in LA these days. This one has a bit of a twist though. To get in you either have to BE someone or know somone or you have to be one of the random people who gets invited on a given night. Here's how it works. You sign up for the club's mailing list. You give them an e-mail address, a cell #, and an instant messenger name and then they randomly e-mail, text message, or IM random people with a secret code. You show up at the club, give your name and the code, and then they let you in. Fucked up, huh? Still it's an interesting way to allow the "commoners" the opportunity to party with LA's glitterati. Dave knows someone at the club and that's how we got in. We had fun but it was a fairly uneventful kinda night. I didn't drink much and there was no one of particular interest at the club. There were a couple of TV faces I recognized and someone told me Seth Green was there, but I never saw him if he was. Dave is nice, but seemed to think that getting me into the club and buying me a couple of drinks meant I was going to sleep with him. He found out he was mistaken on that front. I can't say I wasn't tempted, but common sense prevailed (wow, when does that ever happen in my life?) and I went home alone... There are some days I wish I was as easy as people seem to think I am. I'd have a lot more sex if I was... I'd also probably hate myself more, so maybe things are better this way. I don't know. I'm in a weird place. I've discovered that I'm not particularly fond of the idea of being alone, but at the same time I just don't see myself trusting anyone new enough to get involved with them right now... Ok, enough of my neuroticness for today... Back to Harry Potter. I hope everyone is having a fabulous weekend!

"The artist is the only one who knows that the world is a subjective creation, that there is a choice to be made, a selection of elements." -- Anais Nin

A Tangled Web

I know you've all had those days when you wished you had just stayed in bed. I've now had two in a row. After a fan-fucking-tastic Thursday, Friday and Saturday brought me crashing back to reality. Friday I went through the process of getting my Mustang registered in the state of California. Dealing with the DMV is never a picnic, but in California they actually seem to take a perverse pleasure in fucking people over. So after spending more than a month's rent in various tax and tag fees, my car is now officially a resident of the state. Friday night I was supposed to go out with Dave. He was going to get me into The Spider Club; which is something of a big deal. You have to be on the guest list to get into this place, but apparently he knows someone. Besides, as I said before, he's hot and pretty people seem to get what they want around here. It would have been fun to go, but I was just not in the mood to go clubbing... and with my luck I would have run into Michael (since this weekend marks the release of the new Harry Potter book, I will from now on be referring to him as "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" or HWMNBN). So anyway, given how HWMNBN feels about me right now, that would have been really, really bad. So I didn't go. Dave seemed ok with it, but in reality he's probably pissed off at me now and I've fucked up any chance I had with him. That's prolly for the best though. I really don't need to get involved with anyone right now, especially not a 24-year-old actor. That's a disaster just waiting to happen... So that brings us to Saturday. I woke up to an e-mail telling me that HWMNBN had posted a comment to my blog. (Don't bother looking for it, I took it down.) It was ugly, and petty, and mean. It also really upset me. I know I shouldn't let him get to me like this. I shouldn't care what he says or thinks about me anymore, but I do. I'm not handling this situation with him well at all. I'm so not ok. I will be, but right now I'm sort of a basket case even though the rational side of my brain keeps telling me, "Fuck him. He doesn't deserve me." It still hurts. It also begs the question, am I just naturally attracted to these fucked up men, or does being with me make them that way? Have I actually acheived the ability to drive men insane? That's not a talent I was looking to have. If that's the case, I give it back. In an effort to block out HWMNBN's comments from my head, I went out to pick up my copy of the new Harry Potter book. I figured I would spend the day at Hogwarts and the real world would just go away. That was the plan. That's not what happened. Instead something fell out of the back of someone's truck (I'm still not sure what it was) and it crashed into the rear passenger tire of my Mustang. It knocked the "spinner" off my wheel, which would not have been a problem except that the spinner then lodged itself up around the calipher of my disc brake. The good thing was that I was only a few blocks from a Ford dealership. My brakes were making a lovely grinding noise when I pulled up to the service department. I spent a couple of hours at the dealership and they got me taken care of. There was no major damage done, but it was still frustrating and time-consuming and NOT how I wanted to spend my Saturday... Sunday will be better. I was going to go see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," but fuck that. I don't plan to leave the house. If I don't go anywhere then I'm much less likely to wreak any havoc on myself (or anyone else). I'm going to lay outside and work on my tan and put a serious dent in this book. How much trouble can I get into doing that? Wait... Don't answer that....

"Bad day. Fuck it." -- Stephen Baldwin - "The Usual Suspects"

A Change In The Weather

Thursday turned out to be a great day. (See, I told you I was going to post something happier.) I had two interviews scheduled and before I went, a friend of mine told me to "just be confident" when I went in. Now that should seem like common sense, but I've been a little lacking in the confidence department of late. Still, I decided that he was right. These people don't know what a neurotic mess I am. I can be anyone I want to be. So I decided to approach the day with the general attitude of, "I own this fucking town." And I did. I walked into my first interview with the idea in my head that the job was mine and basically was daring them not to give it to me. The interview was supposed to last 1/2 an hour and instead I ended up talking to the woman for over an hour. It was a great interview, I'm soooo qualified for this position, and I'm feeling pretty good about her offering it to me. Everyone cross your fingers and toes. My second interview went well too but the guy who would be my boss was something of an asshole. I'll still take it if they offer it to me, 'cause it'll pay the bills until I can find something better. The best thing about the second interview was the super cute receptionist who I got to chat with while I waited. His name is Dave and he's really hot. He also asked me out which was very odd given the circumstances, but what the hell? Of course he's a fucking actor (the receptionist thing is his day job). So much for me being attracted to someone not in "the biz." One of the problems with this town is that if I want to go out with someone good-looking then chances are he's going to be an actor. So I gave him my number and told him to give me a call this weekend sometime. We'll see what happens. Did I mention he was hot? I was just having a good karma kinda day and it must have showed. I had time to kill between the two interviews so I just wandered around the Hollywood and Highland complex for a couple of hours. The place is a tourist trap with guys selling maps to the stars homes and stuff like that. The trick is to be able to walk down Hollywood Blvd and not get harrassed by these people. It's all in the attitude. So I put on my sunglasses and basically strutted down the street I like owned it. I was dressed up for my interviews so the tourists kept turning to look at me like I was "someone" and they just couldn't quite figured out who. It was fun. The added bonus to my day came at my favorite coffee shop. "The Coffee Bean" at Hollywood and Highland. I sat down with my mocha, looked up, and there was Orlando Bloom sitting at a table in the corner across from me. He smiled and I smiled back. I didn't go all girly or anything. (Not on the outside anyway. Inside I was hopping up and down and drooling like a lunatic.) He's even cuter in person than he is on screen. So yeah, it was a good day, and I desperately needed a good day. It made me feel like I'm getting control of my life back.... On a sidenote this is also the anniversary of this blog. There were some gaps along the way, but basically it's been going strong for a year now. I picked a fucked up year to start chronicling my life. Still, it's made for some good reading. Let's hope the next 365 days are equally as interesting, but maybe slightly less traumatic. Thank you to all my devoted readers out there. I hope you're enjoying the ride...

"Life is easy to chronicle, but bewildering to practice." -- E. M. Forster

PS - To my favorite actor out there - "Break a leg" this afternoon. I know you will be your usual charismatic and amazing self. I'm sure they'll love you. How could they not? :)

Soul Sick

I need to do some more ranting about personal shit again for a sec because on top of everything else, I have my first migraine since coming out here. I've had it for 3 days now. It's totally a stress-triggered one too which is the worst. It's bad enough that it's making me sick and I haven't been sleeping well and I haven't been able to eat for 3 days either. I've probably lost 10 pounds, but this is not a diet I would recommend to anyone. I have got to stop letting other people effect me like this. I have enough craziness in my life as it is. I don't need some unstable fucking lunatic adding to it. I'm through trying to fix other people, especially the ones who won't admit they have a problem and get the help they need to fix it. I can be the most supportive and forgiving person in the world, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to sit back and take anything that someone wants to throw at me. I understand that people have problems, but they should not lash out at those closest to them when those problems get really bad. I have a friend who if he continues down his current path is going to hurt himself or someone else and I can't just stand idly by and watch him do it. He's already hurt me more than he can possibly imagine. I feel betrayed. I have tried and tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt and have offered to help him in any way that I can and all he does is fight with me and slip further and further into his downward spiral. He doesn't want help and until he does, he just can't be a part of my life anymore. That may sound callous of me, but sadly that's what things have come to. I've been through one seriously ugly and abusive relationship in my life and I'm not about to put myself in that position again. Ever. I don't care how great a guy he is most of the time or how much he tells me he loves me. Because when his demons really get a hold of him, he turns violent and mean and that's my cue to exit stage right. You can't tell someone you love them and then the next minute turn around and do something that makes them actually afraid of you. I don't want to (and won't) fight with him anymore. It's making me tired and soul sick and I just can't do it. I care about this guy a lot and I wish him peace from these demons and honestly hope he gets past this, but if he wants to take a little tour of Hell then that's his decision to make. I'm not going along on the trip... Ok, end of rant... I'll try and post something happier tomorrow...

"Human beings will continue to deceive and overpower one another. Basically, everyone exists in the very nature of suffering, so to abuse or mistreat each other is futile. The foundation of all spiritual practice is love. That you practice this well is my only request." -- The Dalai Lama

Howl At The Moon

Nothing in my life seems to be simple these days. I know that's largely my fault. I just seem to complicate things without really trying. There are thousands upon thousands of sad little puppies looking for homes in the LA area and the animal shleters are practically paying people to come adopt them. So how come I can walk into a shelter with every intention of getting a nice, normal German Shepherd, or Dalmatian, or Lab and end up picking out the one fucking dog in the place that requires you to get a special permit before they'll let you adopt him? It must just be a talent of mine. So this dog is a wolf hybrid. He's 3/4 grey wolf and 1/4 either shepherd or husky; they aren't sure which. He's this beautiful silver-blue and is just a super sweet dog. He looks like Kevin Costner's wolf, Two Socks in "Dances with Wolves." I really want him and it's so sad to see him just sitting there caged up like that. So now I have to call the California Fish and Wildlife Department to find out about getting an exotic animal permit. I wonder how many hoops I'll have to jump through to pull that off? And I can't even begin to imagine what it'll cost. Still, I'm going to look into it. How fucking cool would it be to have a wolf? I tried to convince the nice lady at the shelter to just call him a shepherd/husky mix and let me take him, but she wasn't going for it. Dammit. They wouldn't let me have the bengal tiger cub they had either. Apparently he was a little too big to pass off as a tabby cat. These government agencies can be so difficult sometimes :) This is a weird fucking state. I guarantee you I would never have found a wolf in a shelter back in Atlanta, let alone a fucking tiger...

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls." -- George Carlin

What's Up, Tigerlily?

I now know why Goth chicks are a rarity in Southern California. It's too fucking hard to maintain black hair out here. Between the sun and the salt water my hair was turning a very interesting shade of burgandy. So I decided it was time to go back to being a redhead. I've had red hair most of my adult life and my natural color is a fairly dark auburn. I've been contemplating the change back for awhile now, Mother Nature just decided to give me a push in that direction. Still, going from blue-black to auburn is not as easy as it might sound. Dyeing your hair black is a commitment. Mine's been that way for about 3 years now. You can't just color over it. There's bleaching and re-coloring and it's a pain in the ass. So right now I'm in a transitional phase. The best way to describe my hair right now is tiger-striped. I like tigers, they're one of my favorite animals, so I'm ok with that :) It's kinda funky. I like it. It's kinda me. My dad will be in town in a couple of weeks for my cousin's wedding. I'll have to have him take some pictures or something. So my black hair is my first concession to the California beach gods. I have yet to relinquish my pale skin to the sun gods, but I'm working on it. Pretty soon it'll be a whole new me. Tan and thin and red haired once again. People won't recognize me the next time I come back to Atlanta to visit.

"'O Tiger-lily,' said Alice, addressing herself to one that was waving gracefully about in the wind, 'I wish you could talk!' 'We can talk,' said the Tiger-lily: 'when there's anybody worth talking to.'" -- Lewis Carroll - "Alice in Wonderland"

The God Of War

I just thought this would be cool info to share. From NASA (via a friend):

The Red Planet is about to be spectacular! This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again. The encounter will culminate on August 27th when Mars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. It will attain a magnitude of -2.9 and will appear 25.11 arc seconds wide at a modest 75-power magnification Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. That should make it easy to spot. At the beginning of August it will rise in the east at 10 p.m. and reach its azimuth at about 3 a.m. By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month.

I don't know how many of you out there are into that sorta thing, but I think it'll be really fucking cool and the dreamer in me never really needs an excuse to go star-gazing :)

"You just wished on a planet." -- Christian Slater - "Untamed Heart"

PS - Happy Birthday to my favorite Cancer... wait that sounded bad... I mean Cancer the zodiac sign, not the disease... I don't think I have a favorite disease. Well, Ebola, but that's everybody's favorite... If you want Ebola (or Mono, or The Black Death, or countless others) check out the Giant Microbes website. They're so cute :)

Pipe Dreams

While running through Antonica last night I wished for some gnolls to kill and three of them instantly popped behind me. I then made some wise-ass comment about wishing that everything I asked for came to me that easily. When asked what I would wish for if it did, I was at a loss for an answer. Of course, there were several illicit images and desires involving beautiful naked men that popped into my head (that’s just how my brain works), but given some time to dwell on the question, I came up with a list. I haven’t posted one in awhile, so it was time:

13) I wish my horse was out here with me. I miss her.

12) I hope all my friends who recently found out that they are losing their jobs find new ones, better ones.

11) I wish true love to everyone I care about. Just because I suck at relationships doesn’t mean the rest of you should have to.

10) I hope the rest of my sister-in-law’s pregnancy goes well. She gave us a scare last week. I just want her and the baby to be healthy and happy.

9) I wish good health and happiness to all my friends and family.

8) Everyone wants world peace. I might as well throw my support to that cause as well :)

7) I want a dog. Casper is great, but I need a canine companion of my own.

6) I want to stop falling for guys with “issues.” I want a nice guy who loves and appreciates me in spite of all my neurotic eccentricities. Why is it that I’m always drawn to the unstable dreamers? Athletes, actors, musicians, etc? Maybe because like attracts like. I see all my desires reflected in them. Fuck. I’m so screwed on this one. “Normal” people just don’t appeal to me…

5) Johnny Depp. I really, really want Johnny Depp… Oh wait. That sorta contradicts # 6, doesn’t it?

4) I want Michael to be ok (physically, emotionally, mentally). He’s a little “off-track” right now and according to people close to him that’s partially my fault. I don’t want to be that kind of distraction to him. I want him to get his focus back.

3) I want someone to option my script and to at least listen to my suggestions in regards to re-writes and casting.

2) I want all the puzzle pieces to fall into place for Jason so that he can get the fuck out of Atlanta this fall.

1) I want a career as a screenwriter. Writing makes me happy and I figure I only need to sell the occasional script to allow me to avoid that whole “real job” thing.

So there you go. My hopes and desires for the time being. The list could be much longer, but I was constrained by my rule of 13. Besides, there are some wishes I have that are secret and are best left unspoken. I hope everyone has a beautiful Sunday! Call someone important to you and tell them that you love them. You never know when you might not have that chance again.

“Why is it we only feel compelled to chase the ones that run away?” – John Malkovich – “Dangerous Liaisons”

Fear And Loathing

Thursday was a fucked up kind of day. Emotionally I was all over the place and I don’t really even have a good explanation for it. Let me warn you ahead of time, this post is going to be “rambly.” I was supposed to have lunch with Michael but cancelled on him because I just couldn’t see him yet. Looking back on the whole Hawaiian fiasco it’s actually kind of funny. (Granted, it would have been funnier if it had happened to someone else.) I can’t believe I actually punched someone… Still, I think Michael may be under the deluded impression that I’m not taking this whole thing seriously. He seems to think we can just laugh this off and start over. I wish it was that simple, but it’s not. He’s just not a patient person. He’s used to getting what he wants when he wants it. The idea of giving me some time and space seems to be some sort of alien concept to him. And in all actuality the best that’s going to come of this is that he and I will be friends again. It won’t go further than that, even though he seems to think that if he does enough penance, I will give him another chance. That won’t happen… So why this babbling diatribe? Let’s just say that Fate may be a bitch, but she also has a sense of humor… About 8 o’clock tonight I was going stir crazy. My apartment suddenly seemed very small and claustrophobic. I wasn’t in the mood to play EQ and figured Jason and Justin had long since logged off anyway. (Damn that East Coast time difference.) If it had been earlier I would have just taken Casper for a walk, but instead I called a friend of mine and asked her if she wanted to go get coffee or something. First off, I’m not allowed to drink coffee at night. (Hence the reason it is the middle of the night and I’m up watching “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and posting to my blog.) Secondly, this friend of mine lives in Studio City, which even at that time of night is a 45 minute drive. Well fuck it. Sometimes you just have to get out of the house. (At least I had the good sense to not go out drinking anything stronger than coffee, right?) So we met at a coffee bar in Eagle Rock and had cappuccinos and just talked about all the craziness that’s been going on lately. (I suppose I should mention that she’s one of Michael’s best friends.) It turned out to be movie trivia night so we decided to play. We had a good time and did fairly well. Then the evening took a bizarre turn. About 10:30 Michael and his brother walked in the door. Now there are 10 million people in the city of Los Angeles and more bars and restaurants and coffee shops than I care to count. Only in my fucked up world would Michael happen to walk in to the one I was at. Ok, so it’s not as coincidental as it might sound. Michael frequents this particular coffee shop. It’s a trendy hang-out and like most Los Angelenos he’s very territorial when it comes to his coffee. Still, I wasn’t expecting to see him. His brother is in town and the two of them should have been out partying or something. Not hanging around Eagle Rock coffee bars. It’s not a big place so there was nowhere for me to hide. They of course came over and sat down. Turns out Michael had called my friend’s apartment and her roommate had told him where we were. Great. Just great. I’ll have to remember to thank her the next time I see her :P So anyway, it wasn’t that bad. Michael was his usual charming self and amused everyone in the general vicinity of our table, but really he was trying too hard. He ran off at one point to talk to some other friends of his that came in and I had a nice chat with his brother who I had met once before and is a super nice guy. His brother had some interesting things to say, but let’s not get into that here… Honestly though, Michael and I really didn’t talk all that much, which is both good and bad. There is still a lot we need to say to each other, but that probably wasn’t the right place to do it. I finally left about midnight. Michael kissed me good-bye and told me he missed me. I was really good and didn’t lose it until I got to my car. What the fuck is up with me lately? I am not an overly emotional person. I don’t cry over shit. Yet this is the 3rd time in a week I’ve found myself in tears over something. Dammit. I’m not angry with Michael. Mainly I’m pissed because he made me question my convictions. For a long time I lived with the idea that I don’t need a man in my life. I don’t need a boyfriend to make me happy. I’m doing fine on my own. This thing with Michael made me think that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Look where that line of thinking got me. I find myself at midnight, wired on caffeine, and crying in my car. I finally let my guard down and let someone in and all I got for my troubles was hurt. I’m angry with myself for letting anyone get close enough to do this to me again. The more time I have to think about everything, the more it hurts. I was trying to just slip blissfully into denial and pretend I don’t care about what happened, but that’s bullshit. It bothers me. A lot. As much as I want to, I can’t just laugh it off. Maybe time will give me some perspective. I hope so. I hate feeling like this. Can someone please stop the world? I want to get off.

"This is how the world works. All energy flows according to the whims of the great magnet." – Hunter S. Thompson – “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”

Here Kitty Kitty

I was contemplating taking a break from my blog for awhile, but have decided against it. It really has been good for me to have this space to write. It keeps me in the habit of writing and as I get ready to start a major re-write on script #1 and possibly start work on script #2, I think this blog will actually help to keep me focused. Don't ask me why, just go with it. I can't really explain it. If you're a writer, you understand the neccesity of keeping some sort of journal even while writing other things... So I saw a mountain lion today. I looked out my window and there he was. Granted, he was across the ravine, but still it was kinda freaky. Casper, our German Shepherd was none to thrilled to see him, I can tell you that. That was actually why I even saw him. I couldn't figure out what the fuck Casper was barking about. He was pretty though. As long as he stays on his side of the river I don't mind having him around. They tend to be very afraid of people so I don't think it'll be a problem. Besides, Casper is very loud and very protective of his territory so the wild animals tend to avoid our property. I'm going to get my own dog soon so that will be even more encouragement for them to stay away. Did I mention recently how much I love it here? The one thing I've noticed that I do miss is thunderstorms. I love storms and we really don't have them here, but where else could I live where I could just look out my window and see a mountain lion? There aren't many places like that that I know of. I suppose I'm willing to give up summer storms for that.

"The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man." -- William Blake - "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"

No Way Back

So Michael showed up at my apartment this afternoon, bearing two dozen red sunflowers (smart boy for remembering I’m not a big fan of roses) and an apology. And while the gesture was appreciated, it was too little too late. At this point I think he could have offered me the keys to his new Boxster and I don’t think it would have made any difference. (Sure, I would have gone ahead and let him sign the title over to me before telling him to leave. I’m not a complete idiot ;) I’m done playing these games with him. I’m not a trusting person to begin with and after this little incident, I don’t trust him anymore; can’t let myself trust him anymore. It’s kinda sad, but I guess it’s the way things were meant to be. Michael and I are proof that sometimes people who on the surface look like they should be together, in reality have no business being together. We should have made each other very happy and instead just ended up making each other miserable. As much as we had in common, and as well as we got along most of the time, things should have been great, but apparently Fate had other plans for us. I don’t know why that is. I’ve learned not to question the grand plans of the cosmos. I just now know for sure that Michael is not the person I’m supposed to be with. In a fucked up way I’m kinda relieved. My life has been nuts for the past few months and Michael was a large part of that craziness. Maybe now things can get back to what pass for normal in my world. I do want to clarify that I don’t hate Michael for this. We all do stupid things that we have to learn to live with the consequences of. He’s not a bad person and I don’t regret for a second trying to make this relationship work. We had some great times together and we can definitely say we went out with a bang. We just weren’t meant to be. I want him to be happy and I do truly hope that he finds what it is he’s looking for.

"There can be no piece of mind in love, since the advantage one has secured is never anything but a fresh starting-point for future desires." -- Marcel Proust

An Axe To Grind

My life (and my blog) have become way too schizophrenic of late. I’m tired of the drama so I hereby take myself off the stage. I don’t even know where to start with this story. Should I start with the girl I punched? Or the part where I got arrested? I could start out by saying that I’m sitting at the Kahului airport trying to get back home to LA (standby sucks btw) but that’s probably jumping ahead of myself. I guess I should go back to what is technically the beginning (at least the beginning of this chapter of this little saga.) So Thursday night Michael came over to my place. We talked a lot and things went really well. So before he left to go home he asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I told him I didn’t really have any and he said that was great. He said we needed to get out of LA for a few days. Go somewhere with sun, and sand, and surf and just relax. (Ok, so LA has all those things too, but it’s not the same as going away to get them.) In this town that means Hawaii. I figured what the fuck? He’s paying and I’ve never been to HI. So I agreed to go. We were meeting up with some of his friends on this trip. It was going to be one big happy party. Sadly, that’s exactly what it turned out to be, minus the “happy” part. Everyone drank too much and when people drink too much they do stupid things. Often times unforgivable things. You can blame the alcohol all you want, but there are some things you just can’t come back from. I’m not getting into the gory details, but I saw a side of Michael that I wish I hadn’t. The short version is that I punched a girl I didn’t even know, ended up in a Maui police station at 5 in the morning, and Michael and I are officially over. Well, at least now I am fully justified in not going out with him. (And I know what he did to get his ass chained to that rock in my dream the other night. We should have just left him there :P )Unfortunately I also lost him as a friend and that makes me sadder than anything else. I hate to sound childish, but this isn’t fucking fair. Just once I want to find a guy who appreciates me for who I am and isn’t a womanizing asshole. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone… although according to Michael, that’s exactly what’s destined to happen to me. Apparently I’m just "too demanding to have a relationship with…" Talk about fucked up. Someone please explain to me what is”demanding” about being upset when you find your boyfriend in bed with another woman (or in this case two other women)? He was the one pushing this whole relationship thing so hard. If we had tried it my way and just been friends first, none of this subsequent bullshit would have happened. Ok, that’s not entirely true. It probably would still have happened but it would not have caused as much damage as it did… But maybe solitude is my destiny. Maybe not everyone is supposed to find their soul mate. I know I thought I had on two occasions, but apparently I was wrong… So I give up. I will direct my focus back to my career; which is where it really should have been all along. Maybe my knight in shining armor will still come galloping up on his black horse and save me from myself, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess I could also become one of those girls who picks up men, sleeps with them for awhile, and then gets rid of them. Guys do it to women all the time. Who says turnabout isn’t fair play? At least then I’d be getting laid on a regular basis. Yeah, that’s a tempting thought, but it’s not me. I may not be looking for a husband, but I’m way past the casual sex phase of my life too. I have to have some sort of “connection” with the guys I sleep with. That’s getting harder and harder to find as I get less and less trusting of men in general. Life should not be this stupid and complicated. I don’t want a ring. I’m not hunting for a rich man with lots of money. I just want a nice guy who I can go out with, hang out with, sleep with, be friends with. Is that too much to ask? I thought I had finally found that with Michael now that he and I had talked things out and decided what we wanted our next step to be, but it looks like I was sorely mistaken. Fuck. Ok, I’m tired of this shit. I’m done talking about it. Right now the only thing I want to do is get home from this disaster of a vacation. Then maybe I’ll get on EQ and kill lots and lots of things. I need a new weapon for Apriori. An axe would be nice. I could do lots and lots of damage with an axe right now…

"Sleep! I feel the need of it. Yet my axe is restless in my hand. Give me a row of orc-necks and room to swing and all weariness will fall from me!" -- J.R.R. Tolkien -- "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”

Orson Would Be Proud

So I saw Steven's remake of "War of the Worlds" on Wednesday night. I admit, I went in with very high hopes for this film. In many ways it lived up to my expectations. Tom Cruise was very good. Tim Robbins was as well. Dakota Fanning was amazing. That is one seriously talented little girl. This movie was typical Spielberg. It had his "look" to it and hearkened back to "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." It was creepy and disturbing and I found myself really freaked out during several scenes. Now that's the sign of a great movie; when it creates an actual primal reaction in it's audience. The only thing I found disappointing was the ending. It was just missing something. It was anti-climactic and predictable and a little too sappy, especially in comparison to the rest of the film. Even so, it didn't ruin the movie or anything. The rest of the film was just too strong; too well done for the weak ending to deter from the whole. I highly recommend it. Sci-Fi fans everywhere will not be disappointed.

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story." - Orson Welles