Gridlock

Disclaimer - This is yet another stupid, angst-ridden post from me. I swear I will try to stop posting about this crap soon. I'm just not quite there yet...

Can someone please tell me who I killed in a past life to get the karma I've had lately? Maybe I'm just one of those people who mischief and mayhem and heartache seem to love... I had some things I wanted to do in Hollywood before my interview this afternoon so I left my aprtment at 10:30 this morning. A full 2 hours before I had to be there. Now normally it takes me about 40 minutes to get down there. Not today. Today all 4 lanes of the 101 South were shut down. We had to take a detour off the freeway to get around whatever the hell it was that was going on. I finally got to my interview at 1:15. That's 45 minutes after I was supposed to be there. The interview still went marvelously and they said they understood my lateness, but I'm still fairly certain it destroyed any chance I had of getting this job. FUCK!!! If that's not enough, I can't seem to get my head screwed on straight in regards to my personal life either. Why is it that I'm only attracted to guys I can't have or that I shouldn't want? A guy told me recently that girls are only attracted to men who are bad for them and I told him he was nuts. Maybe that was the case when I was 24 and reckless and stupid, but I insisted that was not true now. Turns out that maybe he was onto something there. I went out with Dave on Saturday night and he seems like a nice guy. He's cute. He's fun. And I'm totally uninterested. We all know who my brain keeps wandering back to. The one guy that it shouldn't be thinking about. HWMNBN. I'm not stupid. I know better than to try and work things out with him yet again, but just because the rational side of me says that, doesn't mean the crazier 1/2 of me isn't tempted to pick up the phone. I'd write it off to me being lonely and horny, but if that was the case then I would have fucked Dave on Saturday night. Argh! I hate feeling like this. Someone please point out to me where exactly in the midst of all this bullshit I seem to have really fallen for this lunatic. Maybe it was there all along and I was just too fucking blind and stupid to realize it. I think it's more likely that in this fucked up brain of mine I just wasn't interested until it reached a point where I knew things would never work out between us. It's that whole wanting what you can't have thing. How did I get to be this broken? I've always kinda joked that it was impossible for me to be involved in a normal, healthy relationship. It's suddenly not so funny anymore because it's starting to get way too close to being the truth... I really need to get this job. Mainly because I need a job and I know I'd be good at this one, but also because I need the distraction. I need something more constructive to channel my energies into. A job would also stop this crazy compulsion I suddenly have to get on a plane and... no, I won't even go there.... it's a BAD, BAD, BAD idea... Somebody please just shoot me. It would make my life so much simpler...

"Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking." - The Tin Woodsman - "The Wizard of Oz"

PS - Thanks for all the well-wishes yesterday. Let's hope they pay off.