An Axe To Grind

My life (and my blog) have become way too schizophrenic of late. I’m tired of the drama so I hereby take myself off the stage. I don’t even know where to start with this story. Should I start with the girl I punched? Or the part where I got arrested? I could start out by saying that I’m sitting at the Kahului airport trying to get back home to LA (standby sucks btw) but that’s probably jumping ahead of myself. I guess I should go back to what is technically the beginning (at least the beginning of this chapter of this little saga.) So Thursday night Michael came over to my place. We talked a lot and things went really well. So before he left to go home he asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I told him I didn’t really have any and he said that was great. He said we needed to get out of LA for a few days. Go somewhere with sun, and sand, and surf and just relax. (Ok, so LA has all those things too, but it’s not the same as going away to get them.) In this town that means Hawaii. I figured what the fuck? He’s paying and I’ve never been to HI. So I agreed to go. We were meeting up with some of his friends on this trip. It was going to be one big happy party. Sadly, that’s exactly what it turned out to be, minus the “happy” part. Everyone drank too much and when people drink too much they do stupid things. Often times unforgivable things. You can blame the alcohol all you want, but there are some things you just can’t come back from. I’m not getting into the gory details, but I saw a side of Michael that I wish I hadn’t. The short version is that I punched a girl I didn’t even know, ended up in a Maui police station at 5 in the morning, and Michael and I are officially over. Well, at least now I am fully justified in not going out with him. (And I know what he did to get his ass chained to that rock in my dream the other night. We should have just left him there :P )Unfortunately I also lost him as a friend and that makes me sadder than anything else. I hate to sound childish, but this isn’t fucking fair. Just once I want to find a guy who appreciates me for who I am and isn’t a womanizing asshole. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone… although according to Michael, that’s exactly what’s destined to happen to me. Apparently I’m just "too demanding to have a relationship with…" Talk about fucked up. Someone please explain to me what is”demanding” about being upset when you find your boyfriend in bed with another woman (or in this case two other women)? He was the one pushing this whole relationship thing so hard. If we had tried it my way and just been friends first, none of this subsequent bullshit would have happened. Ok, that’s not entirely true. It probably would still have happened but it would not have caused as much damage as it did… But maybe solitude is my destiny. Maybe not everyone is supposed to find their soul mate. I know I thought I had on two occasions, but apparently I was wrong… So I give up. I will direct my focus back to my career; which is where it really should have been all along. Maybe my knight in shining armor will still come galloping up on his black horse and save me from myself, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess I could also become one of those girls who picks up men, sleeps with them for awhile, and then gets rid of them. Guys do it to women all the time. Who says turnabout isn’t fair play? At least then I’d be getting laid on a regular basis. Yeah, that’s a tempting thought, but it’s not me. I may not be looking for a husband, but I’m way past the casual sex phase of my life too. I have to have some sort of “connection” with the guys I sleep with. That’s getting harder and harder to find as I get less and less trusting of men in general. Life should not be this stupid and complicated. I don’t want a ring. I’m not hunting for a rich man with lots of money. I just want a nice guy who I can go out with, hang out with, sleep with, be friends with. Is that too much to ask? I thought I had finally found that with Michael now that he and I had talked things out and decided what we wanted our next step to be, but it looks like I was sorely mistaken. Fuck. Ok, I’m tired of this shit. I’m done talking about it. Right now the only thing I want to do is get home from this disaster of a vacation. Then maybe I’ll get on EQ and kill lots and lots of things. I need a new weapon for Apriori. An axe would be nice. I could do lots and lots of damage with an axe right now…

"Sleep! I feel the need of it. Yet my axe is restless in my hand. Give me a row of orc-necks and room to swing and all weariness will fall from me!" -- J.R.R. Tolkien -- "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers”