I need to do some more ranting about personal shit again for a sec because on top of everything else, I have my first migraine since coming out here. I've had it for 3 days now. It's totally a stress-triggered one too which is the worst. It's bad enough that it's making me sick and I haven't been sleeping well and I haven't been able to eat for 3 days either. I've probably lost 10 pounds, but this is not a diet I would recommend to anyone. I have got to stop letting other people effect me like this. I have enough craziness in my life as it is. I don't need some unstable fucking lunatic adding to it. I'm through trying to fix other people, especially the ones who won't admit they have a problem and get the help they need to fix it. I can be the most supportive and forgiving person in the world, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to sit back and take anything that someone wants to throw at me. I understand that people have problems, but they should not lash out at those closest to them when those problems get really bad. I have a friend who if he continues down his current path is going to hurt himself or someone else and I can't just stand idly by and watch him do it. He's already hurt me more than he can possibly imagine. I feel betrayed. I have tried and tried to give this person the benefit of the doubt and have offered to help him in any way that I can and all he does is fight with me and slip further and further into his downward spiral. He doesn't want help and until he does, he just can't be a part of my life anymore. That may sound callous of me, but sadly that's what things have come to. I've been through one seriously ugly and abusive relationship in my life and I'm not about to put myself in that position again. Ever. I don't care how great a guy he is most of the time or how much he tells me he loves me. Because when his demons really get a hold of him, he turns violent and mean and that's my cue to exit stage right. You can't tell someone you love them and then the next minute turn around and do something that makes them actually afraid of you. I don't want to (and won't) fight with him anymore. It's making me tired and soul sick and I just can't do it. I care about this guy a lot and I wish him peace from these demons and honestly hope he gets past this, but if he wants to take a little tour of Hell then that's his decision to make. I'm not going along on the trip... Ok, end of rant... I'll try and post something happier tomorrow...
"Human beings will continue to deceive and overpower one another. Basically, everyone exists in the very nature of suffering, so to abuse or mistreat each other is futile. The foundation of all spiritual practice is love. That you practice this well is my only request." -- The Dalai Lama