Fear And Loathing

Thursday was a fucked up kind of day. Emotionally I was all over the place and I don’t really even have a good explanation for it. Let me warn you ahead of time, this post is going to be “rambly.” I was supposed to have lunch with Michael but cancelled on him because I just couldn’t see him yet. Looking back on the whole Hawaiian fiasco it’s actually kind of funny. (Granted, it would have been funnier if it had happened to someone else.) I can’t believe I actually punched someone… Still, I think Michael may be under the deluded impression that I’m not taking this whole thing seriously. He seems to think we can just laugh this off and start over. I wish it was that simple, but it’s not. He’s just not a patient person. He’s used to getting what he wants when he wants it. The idea of giving me some time and space seems to be some sort of alien concept to him. And in all actuality the best that’s going to come of this is that he and I will be friends again. It won’t go further than that, even though he seems to think that if he does enough penance, I will give him another chance. That won’t happen… So why this babbling diatribe? Let’s just say that Fate may be a bitch, but she also has a sense of humor… About 8 o’clock tonight I was going stir crazy. My apartment suddenly seemed very small and claustrophobic. I wasn’t in the mood to play EQ and figured Jason and Justin had long since logged off anyway. (Damn that East Coast time difference.) If it had been earlier I would have just taken Casper for a walk, but instead I called a friend of mine and asked her if she wanted to go get coffee or something. First off, I’m not allowed to drink coffee at night. (Hence the reason it is the middle of the night and I’m up watching “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and posting to my blog.) Secondly, this friend of mine lives in Studio City, which even at that time of night is a 45 minute drive. Well fuck it. Sometimes you just have to get out of the house. (At least I had the good sense to not go out drinking anything stronger than coffee, right?) So we met at a coffee bar in Eagle Rock and had cappuccinos and just talked about all the craziness that’s been going on lately. (I suppose I should mention that she’s one of Michael’s best friends.) It turned out to be movie trivia night so we decided to play. We had a good time and did fairly well. Then the evening took a bizarre turn. About 10:30 Michael and his brother walked in the door. Now there are 10 million people in the city of Los Angeles and more bars and restaurants and coffee shops than I care to count. Only in my fucked up world would Michael happen to walk in to the one I was at. Ok, so it’s not as coincidental as it might sound. Michael frequents this particular coffee shop. It’s a trendy hang-out and like most Los Angelenos he’s very territorial when it comes to his coffee. Still, I wasn’t expecting to see him. His brother is in town and the two of them should have been out partying or something. Not hanging around Eagle Rock coffee bars. It’s not a big place so there was nowhere for me to hide. They of course came over and sat down. Turns out Michael had called my friend’s apartment and her roommate had told him where we were. Great. Just great. I’ll have to remember to thank her the next time I see her :P So anyway, it wasn’t that bad. Michael was his usual charming self and amused everyone in the general vicinity of our table, but really he was trying too hard. He ran off at one point to talk to some other friends of his that came in and I had a nice chat with his brother who I had met once before and is a super nice guy. His brother had some interesting things to say, but let’s not get into that here… Honestly though, Michael and I really didn’t talk all that much, which is both good and bad. There is still a lot we need to say to each other, but that probably wasn’t the right place to do it. I finally left about midnight. Michael kissed me good-bye and told me he missed me. I was really good and didn’t lose it until I got to my car. What the fuck is up with me lately? I am not an overly emotional person. I don’t cry over shit. Yet this is the 3rd time in a week I’ve found myself in tears over something. Dammit. I’m not angry with Michael. Mainly I’m pissed because he made me question my convictions. For a long time I lived with the idea that I don’t need a man in my life. I don’t need a boyfriend to make me happy. I’m doing fine on my own. This thing with Michael made me think that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Look where that line of thinking got me. I find myself at midnight, wired on caffeine, and crying in my car. I finally let my guard down and let someone in and all I got for my troubles was hurt. I’m angry with myself for letting anyone get close enough to do this to me again. The more time I have to think about everything, the more it hurts. I was trying to just slip blissfully into denial and pretend I don’t care about what happened, but that’s bullshit. It bothers me. A lot. As much as I want to, I can’t just laugh it off. Maybe time will give me some perspective. I hope so. I hate feeling like this. Can someone please stop the world? I want to get off.

"This is how the world works. All energy flows according to the whims of the great magnet." – Hunter S. Thompson – “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”