Here's a suggestion - if you're looking to feel better about yourself, don't call someone who's been pissed off at you for the past 6 months. (I know, I know. This is probably common sense, but when have I ever been rational about these types of things?) It's just that having one of your friends put a bullet in their brain for no apparent reason tends to make you reevaluate your priorities and since I've been on a Nine Inch Nails-worthy downward spiral since Friday I decided I needed to do something more altruistic and try to salvage one of my other relationships that I had been neglecting. Yeah, well, things didn't quite work out that way. The basic back story is, I have this really good friend who I've known about 1/2 my life. Last summer we had a bit of a falling out and by unspoken agreement agreed to stay the fuck out of each other's lives for awhile. I felt "awhile" needed to end last night so I called him. The conversation didn't go so badly to begin with. He seemed pleased to hear from me and we kinda caught up. We then somehow got on the topic of men and women's perceptions of each other and he decided it was time to "enlighten" me on how he thinks men look at me. Basically he said that people who don't know me tend to think I'm a real bitch. I'm too quiet and when I do choose to speak up I tend to be very opinionated and confrontational. From his point of view he thinks that makes me look challenging and probably intrigues a lot of guys into wanting to have sex with me, but that it doesn't garner much respect. More accurately, he said, "You're the kind of girl that guys want to fuck, but not the kind of girl that guys want to date." (Ouch.) The hits just kept on coming. I'm too aggressive. I'm too paranoid. I'm too moody. I'm a control freak. I don't trust people. (Did I mention this guy is one of my best friends?) It was just an overall ugly, harsh attack. Sadly, it's not entirely untrue. A bit blunt maybe, but not untrue. He didn't tell me anything I didn't already know about myself. I had just buried it so deep I had forgotten it was there. I know I suck at relationships. I gave up on having a healthy one a long time ago. You can only get slapped down so many times before you stop wanting to get back up again. It's easier to just make yourself numb and quit giving a fuck about anyone but yourself. That's why my circle of friends is as small as it is. I should probably be angry and upset over all of this, but I'm really not. It was not a fun call, but ultimately I think it was a good one; and a necessary one. I needed to hear these things from someone I love. From anyone else they wouldn't have mattered. From anyone else I would be a fucking basketcase today. I have always demanded honesty from my friends. Well, I got what I asked for in spades in this case. So, the reevaluation of my priorities continues. Obla-dee-Obla-dah....
"The truth has a price. You just have to decide if you're willing to pay it." -- J.T. Walsh - "Dark Skies"
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