Land Of The Lost

It turned out to be a really long day. Things were dead at work until about mid-afternoon and then all of a sudden the flood gates opened and everyone suddenly needed pictures for something. If it had just been nice, reasonable actors everything would have been fine, but there seemed to be a large number of "stage moms" who wanted to come in and make my life difficult. Still, they shell out large amounts of $$$ to have their little darlings pictures done, so I kinda have to humor them... I did get to talk to The Naked Indian for a bit while I took my quick lunch break and that vastly improved my mood. It's amazing how just hearing someone's voice can turn your day around even when you don't talk about anything of any real consequence... I had some errands to run after work that ended up taking me a lot longer than anticipated. Mainly because I don't know my way around Burbank that well yet and I managed to get myself all turned around and sorta got lost. Fortunately all roads in Burbank eventually lead to Victory Blvd and once I get on Victory I can usually figure out where the fuck I am and how to get back to a freeway. So after a series of misturns I found Victory and got on the 170, but it was almost 10:00 by the time I got home... Despite my promise to S-boy that I will eat a reasonable dinner every night after work, it was too late and I just couldn't bring myself to cook anything tonight. The motivation just wasn't there. Maybe I'll get up early and fix something decent for breakfast instead... yeah, right. That'll happen. The chances of me getting up before I absolutely have to are practically non-existent... Maybe he'll bring me lunch again tomorrow like he did on Monday. If I call and whine I bet I could talk him into bringing me a nice juicy cheeseburger from Mel's.... mmmmm cheeseburgers.... now I'm hungry dammit....

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." -- Henry David Thoreau

Resistance Is Futile

Sorry my posts have been short and/or dark of late. I just have some things I'm trying to deal with and I know all of you out there have got to be really fucking sick of me bitching about my life... especially since my life is actually pretty good these days and I really have no right to bitch. I still love my job. Things turned out ok with Roland. I've met some really great people in the last few weeks. Aside from the fact that gas is probably going to hit $3 a gallon here by this weekend, and really missing The Naked Indian a lot more than usual, I have to say that all-in-all things are pretty peachy... which is why I've refrained from whining about men too much lately. It didn't seem right to do... but I changed my mind. I need to whine a little. Mainly about the fact that for some reason I'm having some trouble reconciling how I feel about certain new people in my life. I like S-boy WAY more than I should (and then there's this guy Adam who I haven't even mentioned yet for fear of jinxing anything.) S-boy is the real problem though. He's going to wreak some serious havoc in my life (through no fault of his own). I just see it coming. We've become very good friends and I think will remain so for a long time to come. There seems to be a giant question-mark hanging over us in regards to it turning into anything more than that though. We're both a little jaded when it comes to relationships right now. He recently got out of a relationship that was so fucked up that it amazed even me. I thought I had cornered the market on fucked up relationships, but he's got me beat. So between that and my big, dramatic fall-out with HWMNBN we're both a little gun shy right now. Maybe that's good. It's forcing us to take things slow and get to know each other as friends rather than just blindly rushing into anything... but that doesn't change the fact that I see myself falling for him. I can't help it. He's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He's thoughtful. He's charming. He seems to be just an all-around good guy. I'm going to be good. I'm not going to do anything stupid and try to push this any faster than it's meant to go. (Although the temptation to take him out, get him drunk, and take advantage of him is constantly nagging at the back of my mind ;) I know we're doing the right thing here. Along with being "The Queen of Fucked Up Relationships," I also should have earned a degree in "How To Bury Your Real Feelings" by now. I've had a lot of practice over the years. So that's what I'm going to do here. S-Boy and I will just continue to hang out and we'll see what happens. If this is meant to go somewhere more than the cursed land of "Just Friends" then it will. If not, then I'll learn to live with that. Like I said, he and I have become very good friends and I wouldn't change that for the world. And I'm certainly not going to fuck it up by doing anything as dumb as letting him know just how much I really like him.... In the meantime I may see where things go with this Adam guy. Maybe he'll prove an interesting enough distraction... Wow, that sounded shallow didn't it? I didn't mean it like that at all. Adam seems to be a really great guy and I'd soooo like to get to know him better, even if that turns into a just friends kinda thing too. I usually keep to myself a lot so having a few more friends out here in sunny LA can't hurt, right? Especially really cute male ones :) I told you I had some issues I was dealing with. My biggest issues always seem to be about men, don't they? You'd think some day I'd learn my lesson... but I can't help it. Some of them are just so charming and fun to be with that try as I might, I just can't resist them :)

"Be men, or be more than men. Be steady to your purposes and firm as a rock. This ice is not made of such stuff as your hearts may be; it is mutable and cannot withstand you if you say that it shall not." -- Mary Shelley - "Frankenstein"

Just Believe

I caught Terry Gilliam's new film, "The Brothers Grimm" on Sunday. I really, really liked it, but I have the feeling I am probably in the minority. It's a very odd movie, but I expect that from Gilliam. Heath Ledger and Matt Damon are both outstanding. This is easily Heath's best role in recent memory. I've always liked him, but he was really a standout in this movie... and we all know how I feel about Matt Damon. I really need to put him on my list... but anyway... This movie is fun and it's totally a Gilliam picture. He expects you to make giant leaps of faith. It's all about suspension of disbelief. Like Heath's character, Jacob, you have to believe in fairy tales in order for the movie to work. You have to believe in Gilliam's vision... and it's quite a vision. The sets are amazing. The story is good, if a little disjointed and chaotic in places. If you like Gilliam's other movies ("Brazil," "The Adventures of Baron Von Munchausen," "Time Bandits," etc.) Then this is a movie for you... If thrillers are more your speed, then I still recommend checking out "Red Eye." It really is a good movie. It manages to be creepy and suspenseful and fun all at the same time.

"Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." -- G. K. Chesterton

Dreamscapes

I had an odd day and an odder night. Everything is fine. Work was fairly quiet and it was a beautiful day all around. Don't let this little literary journey lead you to think otherwise. It's just one of my nighttime musings and although it's a little dark, its darkness doesn't necessarily mean anything. I just have to learn to be more careful what I wish for... or maybe I just need to be more specific in my wishing... In any case, my brain just does not want to shut down right now. Instead, as it is sometimes wont to do, it wants to spout poetry. I've learned that resistance is futile in these situations. I either put the words down on paper or I lie in bed while they run ceaselessly through my head. It's better to just give in. Some of it is still a bit unclear to me, but apparently it says what it needs to say. I don't have to fully understand it. I will in time. I have no doubt of that...

I fell asleep in the middle of my life today...
Or maybe I've been dreaming all along and finally woke up.
The thin, fine line between this and that has shifted
And I don't see it in my mind's eye anymore.
I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I'm not sure which reality I prefer.
They both have light.
They both have dark.
They both have things I fear and people I love...
Sometimes those people even love me back.
Other times they do nothing more than break my heart.
I don't remember how to feel anymore.
In one reality I own my world.
In the other I have melted into the surface of a distant sun...
And I can't tell the difference between the two.
In both I always fall
And shatter on the glassland of one existence or another.
If I happen to survive the fall, on what island does my destiny lie this time?
For I've already seen the mountains of the moon,
And ridden boldly down the valley of the shadow...
And yet the shade does not speak to me as he did to those who rode before me.
I lost my guide.
So now I'm making my own maps...
Which explains the fucking circles I'm going in.
I'll call the book, "Questing for the Directionally Challenged."
It will be a best-seller amongst lost souls.
The signposts I placed are definitely not helping.
(I should have left breadcrumbs instead.)
They mostly seem to mark streets I have no business being on.
- Although on one quiet little cul-de-sac
The boys are playing, “Cowboys and Indians.”
I wish I had the time to stop and watch them play...
But I don't. Not today -
Usually I'm too blind to read the signs anyway…
And my seeing-eye dog seems to have a sense of humor.
But I guess you need one out here in the sunny dark.
I now understand being blinded by the light.
Despite all the miasmic confusion,
I love my lives and the people in them.
I think maybe that's the problem.
It's not that I don't remember how to feel.
It's that I can't seem to make myself stop.
So once again I will surely find
That I have fallen past the bottom of the well of redemption,
And I will just be able to watch helplessly as I lie there broken,
And my blood runs across the rocky ground,
And I'll wonder if I'm awake or asleep,
And not really care which is true.

"Over the Mountains
Of the Moon,
Down the Valley of the Shadow,
Ride, boldly ride,"
The shade replied-
"If you seek for Eldorado!" -- Edgar Allen Poe - "Eldorado"

Hypocritical

Ok, this doesn't happen very often so don't get used to it, but I have an apology to make... well, a partial apology anyway. I have spent the last 6 or so weeks being very angry with HWMNBN. I am still angry with him and this changes nothing between us, but I do need to apologize for not being more understanding about certain things that he has been dealing with. Michael has a problem, a very serious problem that most people would consider an addiction. He refuses to admit he has a problem in spite of evidence to the contrary that keeps staring him in the face. Me (and others close to him) have been suffering the side effects of this problem of his and I for one have been very judgemental (and rightfully so) of his lack of acknowledgement. I do have a new perspective into his way of thinking now though because S-Boy brought to my attention last night that I am doing almost the same fucking thing in my own life. My problems are not as bad as Michael's, and they are only effecting me and not those around me, but I realize that that is splitting hairs, and does not justify them. They say that confession is good for the soul, so here goes. I seem to have adopted some unhealthy habits in the past couple of months. The one I'm prepared to deal with is my eating habit. I've been functioning on mostly caffeine and powerbars for weeks now. It's amazing how easy it is to just not eat once you get used to not doing it. My schedule is really fucked up these days. I get up with just enough time to get ready for work and run out the door. I get coffee on my way to the shop and that constitutes breakfast. For lunch I've taken to eating Clif Bars. They are easy and they keep me going through my crazy afternoons. This behavior would almost be acceptable if I then had a decent meal for dinner, but I usually don't. I am normally just unmotivated to cook by the time I get home so I don't bother. Ok, ok, ok. I know this is not good for me. That got drilled into my head last night and I was finally forced to admit that if I continue down this path, I will probably be doing some serious damage to my body. I will do better. I'll start eating healthier. I promise. There. Everyone happy? There is no need to sic a nutritionist on me. (Although S-Boy has threatened to send his after me if I don't get my act together.) My 2nd problem is one I'm not prepared to correct right now. I seem to have developed a "need" to take Tylenol PM in order to get to sleep every night. I know this is not a good thing, but I consider it the lesser of two evils at this point. I have weighed my options and I consider it much more important to get a good night's sleep than to worry about wether or not my sustained use of OTC sleeping pills should be considered an "addiction." Maybe this means I'm in denial, but I don't fucking care. I'm not going to stop taking them. Not right now anyway. I'm sorry if that annoys some of the people in my life, but they are just going to have to deal with it. I am happier and more productive when I'm well rested and if I need some help to achieve that, so be it. Trust me, it would be much worse for those around me if I tried to function with no sleep... Sorry for the heavy rant, but it needed to be done. I needed Michael to understand that I see his problem in a new light and I'm sorry for not being more supportive of what he's going through. I'm not justifying or forgiving him for everything that happened between us. I still think he has a much bigger problem than he realizes and that he needs to admit he has an addiction and get some help for it before he really hurts himself or someone else, but at this point it seems I have no room to talk...

"The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn." -- David Russell

It's Raining Men

What a difference a day makes. I should learn to just keep my mouth shut. I seem to remember bemoaning my lack of male companionship only yesterday. Well, today produced four potential solutions to that problem. They bear the names Mark, Jason, Stephen, and Michael. I think I'm going to cross Jason and Michael off the list simply for their names alone. It would just get too confusing.... although Jason in particular was REALLY cute and I guess I could always call Michael, "Mike" so maybe I shouldn't write them off just yet ;) I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens... Today was crazy busy again. I had one of my kids call in sick which left me closing the store by myself, but it all worked out ok. I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday though. It's been a crazy fucking week... ok, I'm gonna cut this post short, I have a friend coming over to watch a movie so I gotta run. A short post is better than no post at all, right? Everybody have a great night. I plan to ;)

"Women with "pasts" interest men because men hope that history will repeat itself." -- Mae West

No Rest For The Wicked

Today was another good day. Things were crazy busy, but it helped the day go by faster, that's for damn sure. I got in shortly after 10 and it was like the next thing I knew I looked up and it was almost 4. One of my favorite clients came in today. He's not anybody (yet), but he's really cute and he's kinda fun to fuck with. He's all of like 18. He's sweet and he means well, but let's just say it's a good thing he's pretty, because he is not the brightest bulb in the lamp. He is definitely entertaining though. I know it's not nice to make fun of people, but the boy is a walking blonde joke so it's hard not to. On the downside, I didn't really get out of the shop at all. I took a 15 minute break and scarfed down a powerbar and went back to work. By the end of the day I was tired and hungry and horny. I got home and was not motivated to cook and for some inexplicable reason there was not a sexy naked man in my bed, so I guess the tiredness is the only thing I'm going to get resolved tonight. Well, I guess 1 out of 3 is better than none, but how is it I suddenly went from having too many men in my life to not having enough? I didn't sleep well last night for some reason, so I've got to catch some Z's tonight. So I'm gonna watch "Smallville" and then call it a night... actually, I may just call it a night. This ep is a Lois heavy one and I seem to remember that Lex is barely in it. I think my time would be better spent dreaming of beautiful men... Everyone have a great night and a beautiful Thursday tomorrow!

"An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away" -- Mae West

Peachier

Today was a much better day. I had a lot of fun at work and the whole world just seemed to be in a better mood. No one of note came in, and my clients weren't any less demanding, but they at least had better senses of humor about everything. Maybe there was just something in the air yesterday. Too much smog or something. Who knows? I have no gory details to relay. The details aren't important and honestly prolly aren't too exciting to anyone else. It was just a good day.

"Derive happiness in oneself from a good day's work, from illuminating the fog that surrounds us." -- Matisse

Falling Stars

I guess since I had a good day on Friday, I should have known that Monday would turn out to suck. Still, I guess I'd rather have a miserable Monday than a miserable Friday. And I guess "miserable" is an unfair description. "Frustrating" and "annoying" are probably more accurate. First off, I woke up this morning seriously missing The Naked Indian. I always miss him when he's not around, but some days are worse than others and today was one of the really bad ones in that respect... Then my car almost got tagged by a meteorite as I drove to work... ok, so it was probably a falling rock and not a meteorite (it could be said that I spend too much time watching "Smallville"), but let me enjoy my little delusion. Whatever it was, it came hurtling toward me at about Mach 1 and I had to do some serious Indy Car moves to avoid it and not run off the side of the road in the process... So I got into work and one of my kids called to say he was stuck on the Paramount lot on an audition (Yay for him!), but that left us short handed at work. He finally got in, but then informed me he had to leave early because he got a callback (again Yay for him!) whick once again left us short handed. Oh the joys of having actors work for you. They are so much fun, but there are definite tradeoffs... Apparently it was "Let's Bitch About Everything Day" today. People whined to me about the dumbest shit. Employees, customers, everyone. Even people who I went out of my way to help and look out for chose to be snippy with me today... that one at least had the good sense to call back an hour later and apologize for being an asshole, but that's beside the point... It was just one of those days. It could have been a lot worse, but it could have been a lot fucking better too... Tomorrow should be interesting. I have a bevy of high-maintenance clients that are supposed to come in. That could be good or bad. Sometimes they are a lot of fun, other times they make me want to pull my hair out... Oh well. Sometimes my life is not nearly as glamourous as I'd like it to be. I guess every day in LA can't be sunny, huh?

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion." -- Jack Kerouac

Craven A Little Jarmusch

I did the double feature thing at the local multiplex today. First up was Jim Jarmusch's latest,"Broken Flowers." If you're into films like "Sideways" or "Lost in Translation" or "Garden State" then this is the flick for you. It's an indie film with a bigger than indie budget. There's a supporting cast and they are all very good, but this is Bill Murray's movie. He's in every scene and he's outstanding. This is a movie about reconciling your past with your present and the journeys we make to get where we are. It's also about living with the consequnces of your actions. As is the case with most of Jarmusch's films there's a lot going on between the lines. There is a ton of symbolisim; some of it obvious, some much more subtle. I really loved this film. I saw it with an audience of mostly women, but this is a movie (along with "Alfie") that every man I know should see. In a year full of truly bad films, it's especially nice when a quiet little film like this comes along to turn things around... I then snuck in to see to see Wes Craven's newest,"Red Eye." I know. I know. Bad Angie. But after "Cursed" I wasn't feeling too motivated to shell out the $$$ for a Craven film. This film in no way compares to "Cursed." It's amazing what Wes can do with a good story and a decent budget. Rachel McAdams is quickly becoming one of my favorite young actresses. Then there is Cillian Murphy. OMG. I would have paid just to stare into those baby blues of his for an hour and 1/2. He was sooooo creepy. I don't blame Rachel's character in the least for being charmed by him. I would have done exactly the same thing. There's also this really hot guy who plays a bodyguard in a couple of scenes. He was worth the price of admission too... oh wait. I didn't pay to see it. Oh well. That doesn't make him any less yummy :) This is not an award-winning movie by any stretch of the imagination, but it's a great film none the less, especially for people who love thrillers. It's fun and creepy and action packed. It's also eerily plausible. If you're looking for a good summer popcorn movie, this is the one... It was good to finally get out of my movie going slump. (Not that there's been much to see for the last month or so.) Next week is "The Brothers Grimm" so I see myself spending at least a couple more hours in a dark theatre in the near future.

"The whole secret of existence is to have no fear. Never fear what will become of you, depend on no one. Only the moment you reject all help are you freed." -- Buddha

Surf Dog

Roland and I made the trek down to Dog Beach today. It was an interesting trip. I knew Roland liked water since he plays in the river down below the house, but I was curious to see what would happen when he saw the ocean. Honestly though, I was more concerned with how he would react to having a large group of strange people and their dogs around. I've never really had him in any sort of "social" situation before. He gets along fine with the other dogs here at the house, but I was afraid this might be too much for him. I shouldn't have doubted him. He's a goof, but he's probably saner than I am :) The funniest thing was definitely his reaction when he first saw the ocean though. We walked up over a hill and he looked at all that water and he just sat down and stared. Then he looked at me. And then back at the ocean. He then got up and wagged his whole body. He was so excited. It was very cute. I walked him down to the water and he got a little nervous when the first big wave came rolling in, but he soon got over any fear he had and decided that waves are great fun to chase. We had a blast. I kept him on a leash for this trip, but I've never had him not come to me when I called him so I'm sure in the future I'll be able to let him run around with the other dogs. It's all fenced in so unless they plan to paddle to Hawaii, they can't go anywhere. I'm definitely going to try and get back next weekend if I can. It's kinda of a bitch of a drive from here, but it's well worth the time it takes to get there. Whatever it takes to keep the boys in my life happy, dontcha know ;)

"To myself I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast oceans of truth lie undiscovered before me." -- Isaac Newton

Lack Of Drama Queen

I must say I'm glad that my life has been less dramatic this week, but it certainly makes for less interesting blog posts as well. Aside from a really fucking stupid phone conversation with HWMNBN (who I shouldn't have been talking to in the first place), things have been quiet here the past couple of days. Work has been slower than predicted, at least for the kids that work for me. I've had to deal with some high-strung photographers and their even higher-strung clients, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle and we got everything worked out so that everyone was at least semi-happy with the resolution. I don't have any major plans for the weekend. I need to get the oil changed in the Mustang and Roland and I are definately going to the beach. I'm also going to try and get "Red Eye" seen. I know, I know. Y-A-W-N. What can I say? Even my life slows down from time to time... and maybe that's not such a bad thing. I think I need a chance to catch my breath before the next round of craziness... and there will be a next round... in my world there's always a next round...

"What is drama but life with the dull bits cut out" -- Alfred Hitchcock

Contolled Chaos

Today was a very long day. It wasn't bad, just busy. Usually we have some down time, but the rush seemed to be never-ending today. And there wasn't anyone horribly exciting that came in either. S-boy is out of town for the rest of the week so unfortunately I won't have him around to distract me. Oh well. He did enough of that yesterday I guess. At least I had The Naked Indian to text with for part of the afternoon. That made the day much, much better :) It's nice to know I still have some very cool men in my life to keep things interesting... On the work front, things should get really crazy from here on out. The fall rush is just picking up and we will have a steady stream of actors needing new headshots and publicity shots between now and like the end of October. Well, at least the time should pass quickly. I am however very fucking tired and not feeling terribly creative so I'm going to cut this post short. Roland is doing well and seems glad to be home. I'm certainly glad to have him back.

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.” -- Chuck Palahniuk

Daydream Believer

Not a lot to report today. As predicted, it was a good day. I got Roland home and I got to spend some time with S-boy, which was nice. Actually it was probably lucky that I got to work at all though. To get to work I take the 5 to the 170 to the 101, but I zoned out shortly after getting on the freeway and I guess I thought I was further down the 5 than I was and the next thing I knew I somehow ended up on the 405 instead of the 170. I hate the 405. It's a cursed road. It doesn't move. I do everything in my power not to get on it. I guess I deserved it though. Driving in LA is something of a sport and I should be paying attention and not daydreaming about the men in my life. It's just that there are a couple of them that always seem to be on my mind these days and it's sooooo much more fun to think about them rather than the stupid traffic :) I'm really happy to have my puppy home. The vet bill was bad, worse even than I was expecting, but I don't really care. I'm just glad Roland pulled through this and hopefully he's learned his lesson about rattlesnakes. I can't afford another bill like this one. So much for not owing anything on my credit card. Guess the digital camera and the new tattoo will have to wait.

"You get ideas from daydreaming. You get ideas from being bored. You get ideas all the time. The only difference between writers and other people is we notice when we're doing it." -- Neil Gaiman

Achtung! Baby

I'm starting to dread Fridays. The last two have kinda sucked. Yesterday in particular was bad. It started out fine, but ended badly. My stupid puppy, Roland decided to live up to his namesake's reputation and flirt with death a little bit. For those of you who don't know, I named Roland after the gunslinger in Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series. At the beginning of the second book, the character is attacked by "lobstrosities"and nearly dies from the poison in their bites. We don't have many poisonous lobsters here in SoCal, but we do have Pacific Diamondback Rattlesnakes. My Roland decided to tangle with one. He took a bite to the face and got hit with a full dose of venom. I was at work, but luckily one of my housemates was at home at the time. He got him to an emergency vet clinic within an hour of it happening. It's a good thing. Ro wouldn't have made it if he hadn't. So he got 2 doses of antivenin, is on IV fluids and antibiotics, and is spending the weekend at the puppy hospital. The vet thinks he will make a full recovery, but I'm not handling having him injured very well. I don't know what I would have done if I'd had to put him down. I would imagine I'd be a basketcase about now. I know I've only had him a few weeks, but I've grown very attached to him already. He's a really great dog. My apartment seems very empty without him. I miss him and am ready to get him back home. Hopefully that'll be tomorrow. And hopefully he's learned his lesson about rattlesnakes. It's proving to be a very expensive lesson. Well, at least the men in my life (even the four-legged ones) are consistent. They're all troublemakers.

"Curiosity often leads to trouble." -- Lewis Carroll - "Alice in Wonderland"

One Of Those Days

Ever have one of those days where nothing really bad happens, but lots of little things go wrong? That was my day today. It started as I was leaving for work. Apparently Roland discovered the river down the hill from the house this morning. As I walked to my car he ran up to me to say good-bye like he always does. Only this time he was dipping wet. I of course was wearing light colored pants that didn't mix well with muddy river water. I had to go change. I also had fogotten that I needed to get gas and therefore needed to leave early. I hate running late for anything. It's just one of those things that makes me crazy. Traffic at least cut me a small break and I managed to get to work on time. Since I was running late, my normal parking spot in the deck was taken. In the process of backing into a different space I totally didn't see this big ass pole and backed right into it. No damage done to the Mustang, but it still irritated me. Unfortunately traffic didn't cut me enough of a break that I had time to stop and get coffee. "Hudson Hawk" was not a hugely successful movie. I know a lot of people who thought it sucked. Personally, I fucking loved it, but I digress. Bruce Willis spent the whole of the film trying to just get a cappuccino. I now know how he felt. I tried to get out of the shop several times today just to run next door to the bakery to grab some caffeine and was never able to pull it off. Me without caffeine is a bad thing. Then there were just little annoying things that went wrong at work. Computers that shut down for no reason. People not filling out orders correctly. The printer running out of toner in the middle of a rush. That kind of shit. To top it all off, my Iceman called and cancelled our dinner date for tonight. I know he's annoyed with me and that's his decision to make. I hope he gets over it. I'd really like to continue to see him. But whatever. I'm sorta over boys being boys at this point. What was really irritating to me about it was that I didn't bother to bring anything to eat for lunch because I had planned on having a real dinner. So by the end of the day I was grumpy, and tired, and hungry. So far the highlight of my day is the fact that one of the few good "Smallville" eps from last season is on tonight. How's that for stretching for a silver lining? Oh well. How it goes some times. I'm going to write today off as just being one of those odd, disorganized days that everyone has from time to time. Tomorrow will better. As long as I get some coffee in me everything will be just fine :)

"It is every artist's fantasy to run things. I know personally, I'd be happiest as dictator of a small island. The problem is that romantic artists are usually too disorganized to run their own lives, let alone societies. And most societies are too sensible to let them try it." -- Brad Holland

William The Bloody

Some days I love being me. Today was a good day. I didn't see my Iceman, but he did call to say he wasn't coming by to get his prints because he had a second call back for a TV show gig. At least he called and hopefully his audition went well... I spent a large portion of my day dealing with "the James Marsters problem." For those of you who are not total genre geeks, James Marsters is the actor who played "Spike' on Buffy and Angel. We're supposed to be printing some new publicity shots for him, but due to a series of errors we didn't have the correct files to print. So I spent the morning talking to James' manager and trying to get everything straightened out. We finally got the correct files and his manager was thrilled. He told me James would come by this afternoon to approve the finals before we went to print. Which he did. He walked in like he owned the place and asked for me. One of my reps came and found me in the back and told me there was some scary guy up front asking for me. (I've been in this job less than 2 weeks and already I have people asking for me by name. I'm feeling pretty good about myself right now.) For a second I was sure it was going to be HWMNBN, but lucky me, it was just James. Who is a total sweetie. He just looks intimidating when he struts in clad in leather on a sunny LA afternoon. He thinks he's a rock star or something. So anyway, James and I went over the shots and he approved them all and everthing was just ducky. He thinks I walk on water and was very pleased that I got his order straightened out. We talked about his band a bit and what he's working on now. Turns out he's going to be joining the "Smallville" cast this season. He's going to be playing "Brainiac." I've always liked James so I couldn't be happier that he's joining the show. They desperately need to breathe some new life into that series. Aside from Lex's story line, last year was just bad. At least now I'll have a character to be interested in besides Lex. James says the show is a lot of fun to work on and the cast is really great. I can just imagine him and Rosenbaum on set together. The two of them are nuts... So yeah, today fucking rocked. Let's hope tomorrow is equally as good. Hopefully I'll at least get to see my Iceman if nothing else...

"I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it." -- James Marsters - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Fire and Ice

So my Iceman was waiting for me when I got in to work this morning. The lab opens at 9:00 but I don't have to be in until 10:30. Traffic was good this morning and I got in around 10:00 though. Those beautiful blue eyes greeted me when I walked in the door. I know I grinned like a fucking idiot when I saw him. I am such a girl sometimes. I hate it when a guy can make me all goofy like this. Did I mention that he's a redhead? Red hair and blue eyes. Not normally the kinda guy I fall for. My usual "type" is more dark and brooding. Think Viggo Mortensen. Think Jude Law. Think Orlando Bloom. Think Johnny Depp. Think Joaquin Phoenix. (Ignore my things for Michael Rosenbaum and Kevin Spacey. They definitely do not fall into the dark and brooding category.) So anyway, back to the Iceman... We went over his test prints and he picked out the finals that he wants. They'll go to print tonight and he has to come pick them up tomorrow afternoon. (Yay! Another reason for him to have to come back!) There were no other clients in the shop and so we just talked for awhile. He then asked, "I don't suppose you're allowed to go out with your customers, are you?" and I told him that it was probably frowned upon and he said, "So I probably shouldn't ask you for your phone number then, huh?" I looked around and made sure my rep who was working the front counter was still back in the lab and then grabbed a business card and scribbled my home and cell numbers on the back and told him that if he ever needed anything he should feel free to call us. I was once again grinning like an idiot. He winked at me and told me he'd be sure to do that. He then said he had to go. He had a call back he had to get to. The rest of the day went by in kind of a blur. At about 6:30 my cell phone started vibrating in my pocket. Guess who? He left me a message and told me to give him a call if I wanted to go have a drink after work. I figured, what the fuck? Why not? I think I could really like this guy given the chance to get to know him. So I called him after I got done for the day and we agreed to meet at "Cafe des Artistes." (Which was really convenient for me. It's literally next door to the deck I park in.) We drank espresso martinis and ate chocolate cake and brioche pudding and just talked. He seems to be really nice. We have similar taste in music and movies. For an actor who has been in Hollywood for awhile now, he does not appear to be too jaded yet. He's funny and fairly down to earth. (Although I still won't be surprised if I find out that he's really a serial killer with his prom date's head wrapped in cellophane in his freezer.) We got along great and I even kept up my end of the conversation pretty well. (Apparently espresso martinis make me much more amusing and talkative than I normally would be on a first "date.") All-in-all I would call the evening a success. He wants to take me to dinner this weekend. I'm feeling inclined to go. I think it'll be fun and it's not like I have any better offers right now. I'm not going to rush blindly and impulsively into anything with this guy though. I've been down that road too many times before and usually it just ends and badly. If he's just looking to get laid, then he's out of luck. I honestly don't think that's the case though. (But maybe it is and I don't want it to be so I'm just being naive and blind. I get that way sometimes when it comes to men. I see what I want to see and it's not until later that I see the warning signs that were there screaming at me all along.) I don't want any drama this time. If things start to get crazy, I'm outta there. I just can't go through anything bad relationship-wise again right now. I need a happy, fun guy to play with. Not some crazed, bi-polar, obsessive, jealous, neurotic. Is that too much to ask? In this town maybe it is. I guess I'm gonna find out. So much for all my talk about not dating an actor, hell about not dating anyone at all. Sometimes I have the will power of a fucking gnat. I must be out of my fucking mind to be doing this... I will have to keep reminding myself to behave though. I did find myself wondering on a number of occasions during the course of the evening whether or not he's a true redhead... I'm about to get myself into a lot of fucking trouble, aren't I?

"Never meddle with play-actors, for they're a favoured race." -- Cervantes

The Iceman Cometh

My beautiful ice-eyed actor is stalking me now. Ok, well maybe not "stalking" per se, but he showed up at the lab again this afternoon for no good reason. His test prints aren't going to be ready until Tuesday and he damn well knew it. I was actually kind of amused as I watched him struggle for an excuse for why he was there. He finally came up with something about wanting to make sure we had picked the right font for his black & white shot. Ok fine. Except that we spent at least 15 minutes discussing fonts on Friday and if he'd just wanted to confirm that we were using "Brooklyn" then all he had to do was call. Not that I'm complaining. Like I've said before, I never mind having cute men flirt with me and this one in particular can come in any time he wants. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Maybe he really is neurotic enough that he legitemately came in to confirm his font. It could just be that since I've developed this interest in him, I'm looking for something that isn't really there. Or maybe he's just one of those guys that is always charming and endearing to women when he talks to them and I've just fallen under his spell. If so, then he's a damn good actor and he should do well in this town. Aside from his name and the fact that he's an actor (strike 1 against him right there), I know absoultely nothing about this guy. He could be a gay Republican Nazi who clubs baby seals and sells crack to grade- schoolers in his spare time for all I know. Ok, so my "read" on him is probably not that far off, but my taste in men has not been stellar lately. With my track record, chances are better than good that this one is a raving psychotic. I just hope not. I also hope that I'm not seeing a mutual attraction that isn't really there. I know I said in my previous post that I wouldn't go out with him even if he was interested, but I spent the weekend rethinking that position. I take it back. My interaction with him today solidified that. I do want him to ask. I'm not saying I want to run off to Vegas and marry the guy. I'm also not saying that I want to hop into bed with him. I don't. But the thought of maybe going out for a nice dinner with a good-looking guy is not as horrific an idea as I was thinking it would be. If nothing else it would be nice just to get asked. I will try and block out the fact that I suck at dating, especially early on. I'm not good at small talk. I hate to talk about myself. I tend to get quiet and shy with people I don't know and that can lead to some uncomfortable silences which I struggle to fill and then always end up saying something boneheaded or odd. Either that or the guy takes my silence as bitchiness and that's even worse than having him think I'm just quiet by nature. ARGH! See, this is why I don't do the dating thing. This guy hasn't even asked me out (yet) and already I'm stressing out about it. I'm a neurotic fucking freak. Somebody just shoot me. Well, I know for sure that he'll be in tomorrow to approve his test prints. Hopefully he'll come in early so I don't have to spend all day wondering when he's going to walk in the door. Dammit. Now what the fuck am I going to wear to work?

"I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people." -- John Lennon