Curiosity Killed The Cat

I've noticed a pattern to my madness in recent months. 12/29 was a fucked up day, as was 1/28. Looks like for Feb it's going to be the 25th... and I'm not even at work so that hardly seems fair. I'm sure part of the craziness is hormonal. These dates are all too close together for that not to be the case. Throw in things like full moons and you're just begging for a little lunacy. The stress of work is a big contributor, but the biggest factor seems to be men though. They are the ones who have really been triggering my neuroses lately. I don't think they do it on purpose. I don't think they even realize they've done it. Today it was 2 of them. One is a guy I haven't seen or spoken to in probably 15 years. A true and bona fide blast from the fucking past. The summer after I graduated from high school I had this "thing" with a guy from the "other half." As in that old saying about wanting to know how the other half lives. This guy came from money. Lots and lots of money. I didn't really "date" him. It was more just fooling around in his parents' poolhouse kinda stuff. His family was very conservative and so he had a penchant for wild girls that would make his mom crazy. He liked to pretend he was a rebel, but in his own way he was as conservative as his parents. I never even fucked him. He was "saving" himself for marriage. Very admirable, but also very boring.... Anyway, I got an email from him a few weeks back and we've been talking back and forth about nothing in particular. He's divorced now and it sorta sounds like he's wanting to rattle mommy's cage again. So he got in touch with me. Nice to know I'm so memorable ;) Let me tell you though, if his mom didn't like me then, she will fucking hate me now. Back then I was red-haired, mild-mannered, and fairly conservative myself. Now I'm raven-haired, tattooed, and infinitely more neurotic. So, I got another e-mail from him this morning. He wants to take me out. Like on an actual date. I know he's probably just using me to get back at mommy and daddy for something, but I still might take him up on it. He knows I love fast cars so he even told me he'd let me drive his new Porsche. I'm also thinking maybe he's more open minded now and I'd actually get to sleep with him. I was always curious to know what he'd be like in bed. However, it does seem wrong to sleep with him just to satisfy my idle curiosity. I have no real interest in getting seriously involved with him, so that's a little shallow, even for me. I guess it could be worse. I could be contemplating really sinking my claws into him like I did last time. (He was practically ready to propose when I broke up with him back then.) I could just use him for his money. He could ensure that (at least materially) I lived happily ever after. Now that would be shallow. And I'm not that person. Still, what harm could there be in an expensive meal and a spin in the Carrera? I'll have to think on that... The other man making me crazy is the one who told me off last month. He called (really fucking early) to thank me for the birthday card I sent him last week. He sort of apologized for some of the things he said the last time we spoke, but I told him not to bother. He was right. We then whined about how horny we both were and that it sucked that we didn't live closer to each other so we could rectify that situation... not that we ever did anything even when we did live near each other... Anyway, he told me it sounded like I needed to be "good and properly fucked" and once again he was right. I do. I hate that he planted that thought in my head though. Now I'm really fucking horny. I have these images in my head of very bad things and they just won't go away. GRRRRR. It's going to be one of those days. I'm going to try very, very hard not to be too crazy, but that might prove difficult. I guess I should go to the barn and play with my horse and try to block out the visions of all the illicit things that I'd like to be doing ;)

"Face it. Curiosity
will not cause him to die-
only lack of it will
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill
or some improbable country
where living is an idyll
(although probable hell)
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tale
worth telling at all"

Alastair Reed - "Curiosity"

Barrel Rolls in a 737

4:01 P.M. - Somewhere over Kansas or something - So I finally escaped Oklahoma. It’s really not a bad state and had I just been there visiting, I would not have minded it at all. Everyone has horses. Hell, they keep them in their backyards. Now that’s the kinda place I could live. Of course there are no real jobs there so I’m not sure how I’d live, but those are just details. Since when have I ever been concerned with details? I’m sitting on the plane wondering when technology will get to the point that we’ll have an Internet connection on board. You know it can’t be far off. That would be nifty. Then I could chat with my friends back home to kill some time on the flight. It’s been a bumpy flight thus far. Lots of bad turbulence. The price us humans must pay in order to take to the skies I guess… I finally finished Book 2 of the Dark Tower series. Yippeee. EQ2 has definitely taken a bite out of my reading time. I’ll have to try and work it back into my schedule. I really want to get this whole series read, and I’d like to get it done before Harry Potter comes out in July. At this rate that won’t happen. The last 4 books in the series are really fucking long so I’ll have to pick up the pace if I want to get them done before then… I plan to do very little tomorrow. I took the day off from work. The thought of going back to the salt mines after a day of travel just was not appealing to me… of course going to work at all lately has not been appealing to me, but that’s beside the point. If the weather is nice I’m going to go hang out at the barn with my horse for a few hours and just not think about work. Things will be better if I can do that… I’ve got to get a movie seen this weekend. I’m jones-ing for some time in a dark theatre. Granted, there really hasn’t been anything out that I’ve wanted to watch, but I’d like to see “Constantine” and “Ong-Bak,” and since I’m missing the screening of “Cursed” tonight, I’d like to get that seen at some point as well. I’ve missed the last few Michael movies that have come out and even though he’s really not in this one all that much I still feel obligated to check it out. Besides, I like werewolf flicks and generally like Christina Ricci so this one might not be too bad. Maybe I’ll get something seen on Saturday. I guess I’ll just have to see how the weekend goes. The Oscars are on Sunday so that’s what I’ll be watching that night... Nothing much else is going on. I needed something to do on the plane and felt the need to ramble a bit so that’s what you get in this post. A hodge-podge of my random thoughts. Just what you always wanted, huh? “Smallville” wasn’t too bad last night. Michael was in it a fair bit for a change and Lois was nowhere to be seen, both good things. They really need to continue with the storyline of the quest for the crystals. It’s been about the only interesting plot point this season. Now that Lana has one, and Clark has one, I’m guessing that eventually Lex will end up with the third. That could prove interesting. However, based on the commercial for next week it looks like we’re back in Lois territory again. Ick :P How hard could it have been to find a decent actress to play Lois Lane? There have to be better choices out there. They had the good sense to cast Michael, and I like Kristen Kruek, so the casting people have to have some clue as to what they're doing. Oh well, I can’t bring myself to stop watching the show. The brief glimpses we get of Lex make up for all the other crap that has been going on this season (in my book anyway), but admittedly I’m a little biased when it comes to all things Lex. I do need to run up to my desk when I get back to the office and submit my expense report for this little excursion to the Midwest. My boss told me it has to be turned in by tomorrow and since I’m not working tomorrow, that necessitates me getting it done today. Not really what I wanted to do, but the sooner I get this $800 plane ticket paid back, the happier I will be... Well, we’re making our approach into the ATL so I guess I need to pack up the green Alienware now. I’ll post this later when I have access to an Internet connection again. Did I mention how glad I am to be coming home?

9:45 PM - Back Home - The approach into Atlanta turned out to be interesting. There were some heavy patchy clouds and I guess our pilot thought that spiraling in would be a good way to avoid some of them. He did this nifty downward spiral that I thought was a lot of fun, but seemed to scare the hell out of some of the other passengers. It reminded me of an old "Calvin and Hobbes" where Calvin was day dreaming that he was a pilot and was doing barrel rolls in an airliner. Now that would have been something :)

"We are all longing to go home to some place we have never been — a place half-remembered and half-envisioned we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Somewhere, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will celebrate with us whenever we come into our own power." -- Starhawk

Com-Shucking With The Groosalugg

Turns out I am very popular in Oklahoma. Remember at the end of "Angel" (Season 2) where Cordy got sucked into Pylea and was made princess because of her visions? It's sorta like that. I don't really get it. Granted, most of the girls around here seem kinda scary and most of the ones in the call center are scary and married. I guess that leaves the young, unattached guys constantly on the prowl and they must not be used to girls like me. I think I really fucking intimidate some of them. Which is kinda power-trippy for me, and not really something I was trying to do, but I'm still kind of amused by it. Before we left, my boss told me I could not wear jeans while we were here in Bartlesville. To me that translates into wearing business casual clothes. My boss and the other supes were all in khakis, but I'm not a khakis and button-down shirt kinda girl, ya know? So I've dressed up the last 2 days. That seemed to have stunned the natives. A lot of them would not even look me in the eye, but it also garnered 3 of the braver guys into asking me out to dinner tonight. After questioning them to make sure that none of them were heirs to oil or cattle fortunes, I politely turned them down. Suffice it to say that I will not be com-shucking with any of the local Groosaluggs. They were all young and cute, but I just don't need to go out with an Okie I'm never going to see again. Christian Kane (who played Lindsay on "Angel") would be the exception to that. He grew up in OK and if he happened to be home visiting mom or something this week, I'd be all over that. He is seriously yummy, especially with all the tats he's sporting in Season 5 ;) So I'm back in Atlanta tomorrow. I can't wait. Today wasn't horrible and I'll only have to actually work like 2 hours tomorrow, but I'm ready to be home.

"He is very fortunate to have such a woman looking after his weapon." -- Mark Lutz (The Groosalugg) - "Angel"

No Vegetarians Allowed

I am definitely in cattle country. Texas is probably worse, but there are a lot of fucking cows in Oklahoma. You can't walk into a restuarant here without finding beef on the menu. Beef, beef, and more beef. You drive down the street and every other place is a steakhouse. I don't think vegetarians are allowed to cross the state line. We had barbeque for lunch and it nearly put me in a coma. Afterwards I just wanted to come back to the hotel and take a nap. It was damn good barbeque though. So that's it. Lunch was the excitement around here today... Everyone in Bartlesville is very friendly. They all like to chit-chat and I am not what you would call a stellar conversationalist. Small talk is not my thing. Hell, my friends have a hard enough time dragging sentences out of me. Sitting around talking to a bunch of strangers all day is just not one of my favorite things to do... To top it all off, I have to dress up while I'm here. My feet were fucking killing me from having to walk around in my boots all day. Still, the "Die Hard" tip of making "fists with your toes" really does work so at least my feet are happier now :) Sorry for the boring post. I just have nothing exciting to report. There is a fairly good gym here at the hotel so maybe I'll go work lunch off or something. They even have an indoor pool. If I'd known that I would have brought my suit. I don't think Bartlesville is quite ready to have me skinny-dipping ;) Also on the plus side, it's Central time here in OK so at least "Scrubs" will be on at 8:00 and then I can go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will go by quickly...

"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence." -- Ansel Adams

OOOOOOOOklahoma....

After much ado I finally arrived in Bartlesville, Oklahoma. My flight was about 2 hours late taking off and since we got to the airport about 2 hours before our flight was supposed to leave, that meant 4 hours at Gate D26. At least I had brought a book to read. It was kinda hard to concentrate what with an obnoxious, screaming kid and his even more obnoxious parents giving the Delta gate agent a hard time, but I eventually managed to tune it all out and continue my quest for the Dark Tower... Nothing exciting to report from the Heartland. It was dark when we got into town, so Bartlesville looks like pretty much any and every other suburban town you might happen to wander through on a road trip. Fortunately road trips usually carry you through these boring little hamlets. I'm not so lucky. I'm trapped here until Thursday. There isn't even a Starbucks in this town. What the hell is up with that? Do they really want to see what happens to me without my daily caffeine fix? It's not a pretty thing.... And of course I'm flipping through channels when I get to my hotel room and hit the Kevin Kline movie, "Dave." Want to guess what song he sings in the first 5 minutes? You got it. "Oklahoma." As if that fucking song wasn't stuck in my head already, he had to go and remind me of it. Just perfect... I'm really not in as bitchy a mood as this post makes me sound. I'm just tired, I didn't want to come on this trip, and I left some unresolved issues back in the ATL. Oh well. I've always been good at running away from problems so this time I actually have a legitimate excuse for the running. Work made me do it... See, it just goes to show that work is the bane of my existance :) I don't have any good quotes about Oklahoma. I looked for one. I really did... So instead I'll have to make due with one from Stephen King...

"A heartless creature is a loveless creature, and a loveless creature is a beast. To be a beast is perhaps bearable, although the man who has become one will surely pay hell's own price in the end, but what if you should gain your object? If there is naught but darkness in your heart, what could you do but degenerate from beast to monster? To gain one's object as a beast would only be bitterly comic, like giving a magnifying glass to an elephaunt. But to gain one's object as a monster... To pay hell is one thing. But do you want to own it?" -- Stephen King - "The Drawing of the Three"

Civilization Ends At The Waterline

It is a sad day for gonzo journalism. Hunter S. Thompson shot himself yesterday. He was a fucked-in-the-head kinda crazy, but he was one of the great writers of our time. He will be missed. Here are just a couple of quotes from him, but I've quoted him many other times in the past...

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."

"Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."

Here is the link to the final article he posted for ESPN. You can also search their archives for past articles he wrote for them.

So let's all go watch "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and then raise a glass, or smoke some grass, or put on our straightjackets in his honor...

Only Dr Seuss Understands Me Anymore

I'm running on virtually no sleep here so I apologize in advance if this post makes no sense. I've been up since about 6:30 yesterday morning... ok, that's not entirely true. I took a "power nap" from about 3AM-4:30AM this morning. I then got up and came into work at 5:00. Here's how the madness started... I awoke in Asheville, NC on Thurs morning. My boss and I worked in ASH for a couple of hours and then drove back to Atlanta. I should have gone home and taken a nap or something, but I didn't. I spent the afternoon and evening hanging out with friends which is a helluv a lot more fun than sleeping so... I left my apartment around 2:30 and didn't get home until after 9:00. Now, a rational person (which we all know I'm not) would have gone to bed at this point. Instead I got on EQ (of course) and played until like midnight. At which point food was suggested and I found myself sitting at the Waffle Hose drinking coffee and eating hashbrowns. By the time I got home from that little excursion it was well after 1AM. So I figured the night was a wash at that point. There was really no sense in my going to bed at all. So I got back on EQ and played for like another 2 hours and figured I'd then nap for an hour or so and then come in to work. It's so nice and dark and peacefully quiet here before everyone else comes in. I have this project I'm working on that is best done when no one else is around so really fucking early in the morning is honestly the best time to do it. So that's my plan. I'm going to crank out this report, respond to some e-mails, and then drag my very tired ass home to bed. Now, if I can only avoid falling asleep between now and then... And BTW, does anyone know what day it is now? I seem to have lost track...

"How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?" -- Dr. Seuss

Eating Phallic Desserts In Toontown With Lex Luthor

I had some fucked up dreams last night. I don't know what it is about sleeping in hotels, but it usually gives me weird dreams. That was definitely the case last night. I don't remember the last time I watched "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" but for some reason my brain decided it would be fun to spend the night in Toontown. Seriously. Everything was animated, including some of my friends. I wasn't, but everything else was. I did have some interesting toon-like super powers (like the ability to fly) so at least I didn't miss out on some of the benefits that come from being animated :) If that had been the case, I would have been seriously annoyed. I mean, what's the point of being in Toontown if you can't bend some of the rules of reality? Anyway, it was very odd. Very disconcerting. Ever seen Brad Pitt in "Cool World?" You'll get the idea.... So I've decided Asheville isn't such a bad little town. I'd actually probably really like it here if work was not involved. We went out to eat at this awesome noodle house tonight. I mean, this place was really, really good. I was shocked and pleasantly surprised. For dessert I had this banana wrapped in rice paper with a vanilla honey sauce that was almost better than sex. In fact, if I could bring this sauce home and lick it off of someone, I think I could die happy ;) Still, I'm glad we're headed back tomorrow... "Smallville" and "Lost" are both new tonight. I'm sorta torn as to which one I should watch. I've been kind of disappointed with "Smallville" recently. Michael has had like a scene or two per ep for weeks now. That's not cool. He is THE reason to watch that show. Next week is supposed to be a Lex-centric episode so I'm optimistic about that one. My hopes for tonight are not so grand. Tonight we get to meet Superdog - never one of my favorite aspects of the comic book. On top of that, Lois is in this ep too. A potential double badness whammy. Still, my VCR at home is recording "Lost" so if I want to see "Smallville" at all then I guess that's the one I should watch. It's just that "Lost" has been so fucking good lately that I really don't want to put it off until tomorrow. Decisions. Decisions. I guess I could have more complicated choices to make in my life than what TV show to watch. All I can say is that Michael better be in this episode for more than 5 freakin' minutes...

"Now you're saving people in your dreams too. Bet a shrink would have a field day with that scenario." -- Michael Rosenbaum - "Smallville"

I Promise I'm a Good Egg

I'm in Asheville, NC once again. I couldn't figure out a way to get out of it short of quitting. Although, I guess I could have refused to go and see what happened. I don't think they would have fired me for it, but with bonuses coming out on Friday I just wasn't willing to take that chance. This is a stupid fucking trip and the trip to Bartlesville next week is even dumber. We aren't doing anything in particular. We're supposed to be cheerleading or something and I'm so not the cheerleading type. My time is being wasted on these trips. There is stuff at work I need to be getting done this week. And I'm missing a screening of "Constantine" tonight and a screening of "Cursed" next Thursday. There are things like that I could be doing back in the ATL. All sorts of fun things (and no, I didn't mean playing EverQuest, although I would much rather be doing that than hanging out in a hotel room by myself watching TV. On the upside, "Scrubs" is on and they're making jokes about licking and blowjobs, so at least it's good TV :) I would give anything to go back in time 24 hours. Monday night was a good night. Quiet. Laid back. Happy. I don't know why it is that there are some people I can be around and I don't feel I have to put on any kind of act. I can just be my quiet, kinda geeky self. I don't feel compelled to fill silences and I don't feel self-conscious. I like that. It's peaceful. I need more people in my life that can quiet down the voices in my head and help make the stress of work go away. Actually no, I just need to spend more time with the people like that that I already have. I don't tell them how much I appreciate them. I'm a bad friend sometimes. I try hard not to be, but it doesn't always work out that way.... Wow, this post took an odd turn. Not sure where that came from. Must be the altitude here in Asheville or something. For some reason I'm kinda horny, I'm not nearly tired enough, I'm ready to be home, and I'm trapped here for another day and a half. Thursday can't come soon enough...

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." -- Bernard Meltzer

What's The Going Price For a Husband?

I love my mother. Really I do. She is the smartest person I know, but sometimes she just doesn't have a fucking clue. She says she understands that I enjoy being single, do not want to settle down, get married, and have kids. She says that. I don't think she really does though because every now and then she says something.... She has taken to trying to bribe me to get married. I know it's a joke. Sort of. Basically here's the deal. My mom and step-dad have decided they don't want us kids to have to wait to get some of our inheritance money. So with some creative accounting they can give all of us "gifts" every year without us having to pay capital gains taxes on the money. As long as it's under a certain amount ($10K a year I think) then we can get it tax free. Nifty. I like this plan. I'm all about free money... So my mother's ploy was to tell me that it's a shame that I'm not married because then they could give money to my husband as well. I could get twice the money if only.... sigh.... So what if I seriously wanted to take her up on this offer? What does she think? I can just walk up to some cute guy on the street and say, "Hey baby, wanna get married?" They arrest people for that... I guess I could unchain one of those guys I'm keeping in the basement and make him my honorary husband or something... Hey, if I move to Utah and start a harem do you think she'd pay me for a whole bunch of husbands? Now there's a thought ;)

"Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?" -- Groucho Marx

Is There A Problem, Officer?

Saturday proved to be as strange a day as I thought it was going to be. I was trying to function on about 4 hours of sleep and I'm just not effective when I'm that tired. The whole day just went by in kinda of a haze. I drove out to Conyers to get feed for my horse. On my way back from there to the barn I got pulled over for speeding. I have never gotten a speeding ticket in my life, but this one would have totally been justified. I was doing 71 in a 55. I never even saw the guy. So he pulled me over and we chatted and he noticed the horse feed in the back of my truck and I told him I was headed to the barn. Actually, what he specifically asked me was where I was going in such a hurry and I told him, "I had a crappy week at work and I'm headed to the barn to hug my horse and forget about work for a few hours." I haven't a fucking clue as to why I would say something like that to a police officer. I apparently had lost my mind. Anyway, I don't know what it was about that comment that put me over the edge, but I did the total chick thing and literally burst into tears. I blame it on sleep deprivation. I had been fine and had just resigned myself to getting a ticket. I depise women who try and cry their way out of tickets. So you got caught. Big fucking deal. Just accept your fate and move on. I guess I was overly emotional due to my lack of sleep or something. It was not an act. I can't just cry on queue. I'm not that good an actress. I don't know, but I did it... and it fucking worked. He let me off with a warning. Un-freakin-believable... But wait. The story gets better. So I'm headed home on Saturday night and am driving down 10th Street and some Suburbanite in front of me decides at the very last second that she absoultely MUST turn left onto Peachtree. About the time she made that decision the light in the intersection turned yellow. Well, I was not going to wait for another cycle of the light and so I gunned it and barrelled on through. Stupid. I know. The light when I went through was so yellow it was red. And (of course) there was a cop sitting right there to watch me do it. Pulled over twice in a day. I'm a regular fucking menace to society :) I'm happy to report that I did not humiliate myself again by crying my way out of that one. I did however get off with just another warning. I soooo deserved both tickets. I'm leading a charmed life in that respect... Nothing else exciting to report. The weather today is supposed to be ugly so I have no major plans. I'm going to sleep late, color my hair, play some EQ, and try to get to a movie. A nice lazy Sunday. I need more days like that in my life...

"Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. Your normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop-heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow." -- Johnny Depp - "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"

The Ghost of Christmas Past

So I talked to my dead boyfriend last night. "Yep, she finally went off the deep end." That's what you're all thinking, isn't it? Well, before you call those aforementioned men in little white coats to come and take the crazy girl back to her padded room, just bear with me. This is not really that an unusual an occurrence. It hasn't happened in awhile, but it was not entirely unexpected. (In fact, I sorta had expected to hear from him a couple of weeks ago when his brother Wes died and was really surprised when I didn't, but anyway...) I've mentioned Colin vaguely before. It's a long story, but the bare bones gist is this. I was dating him about 10 years ago, he got shot by car jackers, died, and has been haunting my dreams ever since. I loved him terribly, but it was a long time ago, and while I won't say that I've gotten over with his death, in my own fucked up way I've dealt with it. Since then, Colin has become my conscience. The voice of reason in my sometimes very cluttered head. (As I mentioned in my post last night, Lindy usually has that job by day, out in the real world. Colin gets the honor of hanging out in the scary little corners of my subconscious after dark.) I used to talk to him for any number of reasons. He'd wander into my dreams just to say, "Hi!" He's kept more to himself in recent years. Now I tend to only hear from him when I'm really upset about something or seriously stressed out. There are a multitude of reasons I'm sure he chose to pay me a visit last night. (Hello? Did you read my last post? I needed my head shrunk and I guess it was his turn to do it.) I'm not going to get into what we talked about. The subject matter is irrelevant. What is relevant, is that now here I sit - WAY too fucking early on a Saturday morning, especially when I was up until almost 3 - and by the harsh light of day it should seem crazy to me that the advice of a dead man actually makes sense, but a lot of it does. Maybe he's going to be my docent through this big change I sense coming. That wouldn't be such a bad thing. I know I'm going to need the help and in a very weird way it's sorta apropos for one of my neurotic conjurings to be my tour guide on this next little adventure. There's something almost poetic about it... See, this is what happens when I take a couple of days off from posting. Things start to get really fucking weird around here ;) Everybody have a great weekend! I promise not to spend all of it inside playing EQ...

"To understand the living, you got to commune with the dead." -- John Berendt - "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"

Lindy, Lemmings, and The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is going to be another EQ post, aren't you? Well it's not. I swear. (Except to mention that due to a bug in the Level 10 Rogue quest, I've had to put my Kerra scout, Necede on vacation. Until they get it fixed I'm playing a Half Elf priest over on the Qeynos side of things. Her name is Apriori so say "hi!" the next time you're in the City of Light :) I also have a Dark Elf priest named Ancalagon that you may see running around Freeport if you visit.) So, with that out of the way... I'm feeling sorta reflective right now so what I really want to talk about is choices. The choices we do make. The choices we didn't make. I've always been a big fan of the motto, "I do not regret the things I did, but those I did not do." Most of the time that's true. I can pinpoint probably 1/2 a dozen major decisions that I've made in my life that would have changed my path rather dramatically had I chosen differently. For one, if I had stayed with my high school boyfriend and gotten married like he wanted to, I'd probably be a soccer mom, trapped in suburbia with my 2.5 kids, a golden retriever, and a mini-van. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. Maybe I'd be happy. Who knows...? If things had been a little different, I'd have a 8-year old kid right now. How bizarre does that seem? Talk about my life being the polar opposite of what it is today. These days my biggest concern is wether or not I can quit my job and still afford to support my horse. I'm 33, it's not unusual for a 33 year old to have a kid (or hell, even kids), but the thought of being responsible for a child's well-being scares the shit out of me even now. I'm sure I would have adapted, but I'm sorta glad I ended up not having to. Maybe that's really fucking selfish of me. Actually, there's probably no "maybe" about it... About 10 years ago I dropped out of film school for a variety of reasons. What if I had stuck it out? Would I have the job I want now? Would I be writing for a living? Working as a casting director? Producing important films? I can't answer that. My crystal ball just isn't that clear anymore. For all I know I'd be out of work and trying to eke out a living at some menial job in LA like every other wannabe who didn't make it there. I'd like to believe that wouldn't be the case, but again, who knows...? Looking back there are a lot of "what ifs" in my life. I fucking hate "what ifs." I generally just try not to think about them, but sometimes (when you least expect it) they sneak up and slap you in the back of the head and make you pay attention to them. In recent years I've tried to live a life without regrets. Again, we come back to me being selfish. I do what I want, when I want, and with who I want. I have some friends, Lindy in particular, who sometimes have to be the voices of reason that slap me back to reality and keep me from doing anything really stupid. I do not wish that job upon anyone. I love my delusions and avoid facing reality whenever possible. More times than I care to admit, I have had to be dragged back from the brink, kicking and screaming, before I plunge lemming-like over the edge. I seem to have been looking over the brink and into the abyss a lot lately. Mainly because I'm at a very odd place in my life right now. I sense a change coming and it's bound to be a big one. Cataclysmic even. I keep peering around corners in the hopes that I will see what's coming for me, but I don't think I'm that lucky. I'm going to get fucking blindsided. I'm going to get stabbed in the back or shot through the heart and I won't even know what hit me. The optimist in me hopes it will be a change for the better. Just once I want to be able to follow my heart and do what feels right to me and have it work out. Have it be the right decision. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? Sadly, my past track record seems to suggest that yes, in fact, it is too much to ask. Honestly, at this point I'm just praying that I'm not going to do something monumentally stupid (that seems like a good idea at the time) and when all is said and done all I'll have to show for it is my family and friends standing around me shaking their heads and saying, "I told you so." Doesn't mean I won't still take the chance when I see it. I think I've proven over and over and over again that I'm not afraid to jump off that bridge when I come to it. I try to live and love with my entire soul regardless of how many times that decision has only proven to result in me getting hurt. I don't know how to live my life any other way. I am impulsive. I am passionate. I am a risk-taker. I think I always will be. That's just who and what I am in the very core of my being. Maybe that's stupid and I just need to fucking grow up and accept my life for what it is. God knows another major failure or disappointment in my life would be bad. Call the men in the little white coats and put me in a padded room kinda bad... I guess I'll have to wait and be surprised, just like everyone else in this little drama that is my life. I sure hope the other players know their lines 'cause I keep forgetting mine. The change is coming. It's going to be soon. Hey, did anyone else see those Four Horsemen that just rode by?

"Because it's like they say. If you're not a rebel by the age of 20 you've got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30 you've got no brain. Because there are no story book romances, no fairy tale endings. So, before you run out and change the world, ask yourself, 'What do you really want?'" -- Kevin Spacey - "Swimming With Sharks"

ButIDontWannaGo!

Work seems to think I want to travel. With a little advance warning I might be amenable to that idea, but they want me to go next week. That's kinda short notice, don't you think? It's just to Asheville again, but I soooo don't want to go. The week after that they want me to go to the booming metropolis of Bartlesville, Oklahoma. That wouldn't be so bad. It's only like an hour and 1/2 from my sister's place in Missouri, so I could turn it into a mini-vacation, but my sister and her family are going to be skiing in Colorado that week. Talk about crappy fucking timing. So now I'm just annoyed that I have to go at all. I am not motivated to go to the middle of fucking nowhere to be a cheerleader for a cause I don't really believe in anymore. Unfortunately, I haven't come up with a good way to get out of it yet. I'm open to suggestions. At this point I'm truly hoping to be abducted by aliens. At least then there would potentially be probing involved ;) Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to travel. I'm the first one to hop in the car for a road trip or book a flight to just about anywhere, but it has to be for a good cause. Something fun. Fun is the best cause there is and I'm always looking for a new adventure down some unknown road. Anybody want to go to Vegas and play some poker? NYC to see a play? Amsterdam to drink some absinthe? I'm there baby! I feel the world out there calling to me. I just don't think it's truly calling to me from Oklahoma, ya know?

"I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move." - Robert Louis Stevenson

Lobsters Bearing Roses

More poetry. This one came out of a fucked up dream I had once. (I partially blame Stephen King for said dream. Read his "Dark Tower" books. You'll understand.) I'm posting it in honor of Lindy and her lobster ;)

He sat serene.

It was his tree,

every branch, every leaf.

And today he sat in his tree,

staring up at the sky.

He heard voices below him.

Looking down, he saw a group of creatures

at the foot of the tree.

They were lobsters bearing roses.

“How are you?” he called.

One, the leader of the group, answered,

“I was fine before the music went wrong.”

He was sincerely sorry for the lobster,

so he picked an apple to throw to the poor creature.

That was no small feat.

Seeing as his was an oak tree.

To Travel A Colorful Road

Once, as I walked along the road,

the rain fell in multicolor,

painting me with feelings

that unbelonged to me.

But, I found that by possessing them

for a short time,

I could make the rain fall faster.

So I did.

The water-colors wet me, and I turned Pink,

but Pink made me sleepy,

and turned my eyes to glass

- thus making sight difficult -

I lost my balance, twisting my ankle.

But the road went on,

so I thought I should do the same.

After all, I was now Blue.

It was fun being Blue,

so I dodged other raindrops

that threatened to change me.

I stayed Blue for many miles.

But then I saw something by the side of the road,

and forgot to care about my color.

When I turned Brown, the object became clear.

It was a shed snakeskin.

To the touch it was itchy and inviting

And I could almost feel myself slither

out of my own flesh

and lie down beside the useless skin.

But I didn’t.

That was something Brown would do.

Green, however, made me wish I were the snake,

who had gone on and had better things to do.

Green did to go on and Yellow and yearning

fuzzily approached me together,

but saw I was not much interested in them

and went on their way.

When Red came dancing,

the picture came clear once again.

I saw a child in a field close to my road,

and in the rain the child was dry.

With curious thoughts I went closer.

He was stone.

But then, so was I, as I had turned Purple.

Purple was nice, but like Pink, sleepy.

The house on my right leaned over

and whispered to me

that the rain was ending.

So, being me, I walked back down the road.

The rain didn’t end, but followed me all the way,

painting me with feelings

that unbelonged to me.

But, I found that by possessing them

for a short time,

I could make myself

TRANSPARENT.

I hadn't posted any poetry in awhile, and this is one of the few that I've written that isn't horribly fucking dark, so I thought I'd share. Enjoy :)

Zombies, Skeletons, and Rats, Oh My!

I swear not all my posts this week will be about Ever Quest II, but OMG! I LOVE this fucking game! EQ1 was good, but until I started EQ2 this weekend, I didn't realize just how much they could improve upon the original. I spent like 3 hours playing on Friday night, at least 6 hours on Saturday, and several more hours today. It's an illness. Really it is. I recognize that. Still, it's just soooo much fun. I've got my character almost up to Level 10. I really just want to stay home from work tomorrow and play. Unfortunately, that's not really an option :P
So, I'm really digging my new computer. It's super fast. The video card has an S-Video port so I thought I could just run my new machine off my TV. In theory that was a brilliant idea. In execution it didn't work out quite so well. My game looked awesome on the big screen, except for the fact that I couldn't read any text. That's a problem. My only other option was to hook up my old 15" monitor. That sucked too. All the great graphics in EQ2 are wasted on a monitor that small. So on Saturday I dragged Lindy up to Fry's to help me pick out a new monitor. (So much for my New Year's resoultions about not spending money and not being impulsive.) I ended up with a nifty Sony 19" flat panel. It's so pretty :D (Have I mentioned that I'm easily distracted by bright, shiny objects?) All-in-all it's been a good weekend. Probably very boring in most people's books, but then, as most of you know by now, I'm not most people.

"The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over." -- Hunter S. Thompson

Fantasy Worlds

I got my new computer yesterday. Woo and Hoo! It's really nifty. Yesterday was just an all around good day. I did have some issues getting my DSL up and running on my new machine, and was really annoyed by that, but I managed to get it up and synching without resorting to calling tech support and everything is peachy now. I then got EverQuest 2 installed and was off and running. I fucked around in some of the newbie zones, leveled up to 5, and then went and found my character's home in the city of Freeport. I'm playing with one of the kitty cat people again. They are slightly different than the cat people from EQ1 (the Vah Shir got eradicated when the moon exploded, but that's a long story that I'm sure most of you don't want to hear.) So anyway, they have cousins called the Kerra and that's what I'm playing now. Her name is Necede and I'm on the Steamfont server so send me a tell if you're in game. I played until like 2 fucking AM.... When I finally went to bed I had some seriously fucked up dreams. Some of them were EQ related (not surprisingly), but most of them were those kinda dreams. OMFG! I woke up in a frenzied sweat a couple of times. I did things in these dreams that I think are probably not legal in most states. Damn, Damn..... Damn, Damn, DAMN! I was wide awake at 8AM. (Stupid reality intruding on my fantasy life yet again.) Unfortunately I was alone. And still horny. And fucking exhausted... As much as I would like to, I am absolutely NOT staying inside all day playing EQ. It's going to be beautiful here in the ATL and I need to go visit my horse if nothing else. I definitely see myself gaming into the small hours of the morning again though. I am such a geek sometimes :)

"Fantasies are more than substitutes for unpleasant reality; they are also dress rehearsals, plans. All acts performed in the world begin in the imagination." -- Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

All You Have To Do Is Call My Name

I got hate mail! Actual fucking hate mail in regards to my post from yesterday. Apparently some chick out there took offense to my dislike of Valentine's Day and seemed to think it was a personal attack on her or something. I was highly amused. Any time my writing inspires a strong emotion, even hatred, it's a good thing. Writing should hit people on an emotional level. That's one of its major purposes. I was going to post the actual e-mail she sent, but decided against it. She did tell me I was "going to die bitter and alone." A friend of mine was happy to point out that anyone with my licking fetish was probably not doomed to such a fate. I agree with him wholeheartedly and now plan to have a whole harem of beautiful, talented, young men chained up in my basement at some point in the future ;) Well, a few of them I may let wander around the grounds... Ok, so I promise to go back to regular posting next week. To close out our little lyrics-fest here's some Carole King:

"Where You Lead"

Wanting you the way I do
I only want to be with you
And I would go to the ends of the earth
Cause, darling, to me that's what you're worth

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

If you're out on the road
Feeling lonely, and so cold
All you have to do is call my name
And I'll be there on the next train

Where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

I always wanted a real home with flowers on the window sill
But if you want to live in New York City, honey, you know I will

I never thought I could get satisfaction from just one man
But if anyone can keep me happy, you're the one who can

And where you lead, I will follow
Anywhere that you tell me to
If you need, you need me to be with you
I will follow where you lead

-- Carole King

"It was a great kiss. If one of us had been a frog it would have had some seriously impressive consequences." -- Lauren Graham - "Gilmore Girls"

That Other Irish Holiday

I know everyone is expecting a big rant from me on Valentine's Day. Well guess what? I'm going to post it today instead. Impulsive? Unexpected? Yep, that's me :) I'm posting it early to sorta prove a point about how I don't like being told what to do when... Anyway, let me start out by saying that Valentine's Day is a stupid fucking holiday. I'm not saying this because I'm single. I have always hated this holiday. The last time I was dating someone when Feb 14th rolled around, I told him not to get me anything. (And I didn't say it in a coy way, with a little sexy wink, that implied I wasn't serious.) He then couldn't understand why I was annoyed when he got me roses... The only thing I want on Valentine's Day are those chalky, little candy hearts, and I want them with suggestive sayings and not the cheesy ones they usually have. (You know, "Blow Me" or "Fuck Me" instead of "Be Mine" or something like that.) Guys, take your girlfriend out to dinner on like March 8th or something because you want to take her out, not because some greeting card company tells you you have to... Give her flowers on a Thursday just because it's a Thursday... and for heaven's sake if you want to get her flowers, know what kind of flowers she likes. I'm sure there are plenty of other women out there like me who are not red roses kinda girls... Chocolate is a nice surprise 365 days a year. Why would you only give it to someone on Valentine's Day? People need to show their appreciation to the ones they love at varied, random intervals. Not just one set aside day a year. That's just stupid... I know there are people out there screaming at me to stop before I do any more damage. People who want their lovers to feel obligated to shower them with flowers, and candy, and jewelry for this one day a year. If that's what you want, that's your perogative. I still think it's stupid. I say celebrate St Val's day in true Irish fashion instead. Go somewhere like Fado, drink some Guinness or some good Irish coffee, and then if you've got a significant other, go home and fuck them till they can't walk. If you're single, just keep drinking until you pass out. Fuck that the 14th falls on a Monday this year. Take Tuesday the 15th off and stay in bed having more sex, or sleeping off a killer hangover, or both. Now that's the way to thumb your nose at those tyrannical greeting card people ;)

"Cupid is a knavish lad, Thus to make poor females mad." - William Shakespeare - "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

Go Ahead And Bite It, I Bet You’ll Be Delighted

I know I said I wasn't going to post anything this week, but I've changed my mind. I have a post I'm working on that I'll put up later this morning. If you need something to read in the meantime, here's your daily lyrics dosage. I promise they are happier than the ones from yesterday :)

"Forbidden Fruit"

Eve and Adam had a garden.
Everything was jake.
Till one day a voice says pardon, miss my name is snake.
See that apple over yonder?
If you’ll take a bite,
You and Adam both are bound, to have some fun tonight.
Go on and eat, forbidden fruit
It’s mighty sweet, forbidden fruit
It’s quite a treat, forbidden fruit
Go ahead and taste it, you don’t wanna waste it

The Lord had said in the beginning,
Everything is free.
Except that apple, that leads to sinning, so let that apple be.
But Eve got tempted so she tried it, and as all chicks do,
Teased her man till he decided, he’d just try some too.
Go on and eat, forbidden fruit
It’s mighty sweet, forbidden fruit
It’s quite a treat, forbidden fruit
Go ahead and bite it, I bet you’ll be delighted.

I hate to tell you all what followed,
The Lord was most upset.
Saw them making love, and hollered, what have you to et?
And when they made a full confession, the lord said hmmm I see.
I guess I’ll have to teach you a lesson about not minding me.
Go on and eat, forbidden fruit
It’s mighty sweet, forbidden fruit
It’s quite a treat, forbidden fruit
You all went and did it, now you’re gonna get it.

The Lord made Eve Adam’s madam, have his kids and all.
Placed some labor laws on Adam and he made the snake to crawl.
Ever since the days of Eden, folks been sinful my,
Nowadays they’re even eating apples in their pie.
Go on and eat, forbidden fruit
It’s mighty sweet, forbidden fruit
It’s quite a treat, forbidden fruit
Go ahead and taste it, you don’t wanna waste it.
Oh go ahead and bite it, I bet you’ll be delighted.
You all went and did it, now you’re gonna get it.
Forbidden fruit

-- Nina Simone

When You Wake Up In The Morning I'll Be Coursing Through Your Veins

It's 12AM do you know where your psychotic friends are? This one is at work. That's right boys and girls, it's midnight and I'm sitting in my fucking cube. Got back from a hockey game in Macon. (They won 7-2 - woo hoo!) Wasn't tired. So I made some coffee and am going to sit here and work for a couple of hours so that I don't have to come in for the regular work day. I'll get soooo much more done without my boss around making me crazy. Fuck working 8-5. I'd much rather work all night since I'm up anyway, ya know? Here are your lyrics for the day. (Contrary to what they might lead you to believe, I'm not in a bad mood. This is just what happened to be trapped in my head when I posted this :)

"Can't Stop Killing You"

He blew into town like a paper sack
In a stolen car with a shotgun in the back he said
She can’t run now, she can’t hide
I’m gonna get her back for her lies lies lies

He taught her how to pout
And he taught her how to tease
And he taught her how to beg
When she fell down to her knees he said
Your face is different
But you’re really all the same
I have to teach you a lesson again and again

See I feel no pleasure
And I feel no pain
So what else can I do?
I can’t stop killing you

When you’re out there in the dark
I’ll come rushing through your brain
When you wake up in the morning
I’ll be coursing through your veins
When you’re swimming in the water
I’m the hand that drags you under
I’m the lightning that strikes you
Just before you hear the thunder
I can’t stop killing you

Well she woke up in the bathroom
With her face upon the floor
She said I don’t know what I’m doing here
But I’ve been here before
And the fixit man had fixed her
’cos he’s such a little hitler
And he loves the feel of power
That she gives him through her terror
I can’t stop killing you

Well she looked into the mirror
And she smoked her cigarette
And she wondered where she’d go now
To find a place she could forget
All the things he said he’d do
I can’t stop killing you

When you’re out there in the dark
I’ll come rushing through your brain
When you wake up in the morning
I’ll be coursing through your veins
When you’re swimming in the water
I’m the hand that drags you under
I’m the lightning that strikes you
Just before you hear the thunder
I can’t stop killing you

-- Kirsty Maccoll

"Mmm. Jesus, Mary, Joseph and a camel. This is really bad coffee..."
- Lauren Graham - "Gilmore Girls"

Clouds In My Coffee

This is a bad one. I get it stuck in my head all the fucking time...

"You're So Vain"

You walked into the party
Like you were walking onto a yacht
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye
Your scarf it was apricot
You had one eye in the mirror
As you watched yourself gavotte
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

You had me several years ago
When I was still quite naive
Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair
And that you would never leave
But you gave away the things you loved
And one of them was me
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee
Clouds in my coffee, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun
Well, you're where you should be all the time
And when you're not, you're with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

-- Carly Simon

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." - Dorothy Thompson