I've noticed a pattern to my madness in recent months. 12/29 was a fucked up day, as was 1/28. Looks like for Feb it's going to be the 25th... and I'm not even at work so that hardly seems fair. I'm sure part of the craziness is hormonal. These dates are all too close together for that not to be the case. Throw in things like full moons and you're just begging for a little lunacy. The stress of work is a big contributor, but the biggest factor seems to be men though. They are the ones who have really been triggering my neuroses lately. I don't think they do it on purpose. I don't think they even realize they've done it. Today it was 2 of them. One is a guy I haven't seen or spoken to in probably 15 years. A true and bona fide blast from the fucking past. The summer after I graduated from high school I had this "thing" with a guy from the "other half." As in that old saying about wanting to know how the other half lives. This guy came from money. Lots and lots of money. I didn't really "date" him. It was more just fooling around in his parents' poolhouse kinda stuff. His family was very conservative and so he had a penchant for wild girls that would make his mom crazy. He liked to pretend he was a rebel, but in his own way he was as conservative as his parents. I never even fucked him. He was "saving" himself for marriage. Very admirable, but also very boring.... Anyway, I got an email from him a few weeks back and we've been talking back and forth about nothing in particular. He's divorced now and it sorta sounds like he's wanting to rattle mommy's cage again. So he got in touch with me. Nice to know I'm so memorable ;) Let me tell you though, if his mom didn't like me then, she will fucking hate me now. Back then I was red-haired, mild-mannered, and fairly conservative myself. Now I'm raven-haired, tattooed, and infinitely more neurotic. So, I got another e-mail from him this morning. He wants to take me out. Like on an actual date. I know he's probably just using me to get back at mommy and daddy for something, but I still might take him up on it. He knows I love fast cars so he even told me he'd let me drive his new Porsche. I'm also thinking maybe he's more open minded now and I'd actually get to sleep with him. I was always curious to know what he'd be like in bed. However, it does seem wrong to sleep with him just to satisfy my idle curiosity. I have no real interest in getting seriously involved with him, so that's a little shallow, even for me. I guess it could be worse. I could be contemplating really sinking my claws into him like I did last time. (He was practically ready to propose when I broke up with him back then.) I could just use him for his money. He could ensure that (at least materially) I lived happily ever after. Now that would be shallow. And I'm not that person. Still, what harm could there be in an expensive meal and a spin in the Carrera? I'll have to think on that... The other man making me crazy is the one who told me off last month. He called (really fucking early) to thank me for the birthday card I sent him last week. He sort of apologized for some of the things he said the last time we spoke, but I told him not to bother. He was right. We then whined about how horny we both were and that it sucked that we didn't live closer to each other so we could rectify that situation... not that we ever did anything even when we did live near each other... Anyway, he told me it sounded like I needed to be "good and properly fucked" and once again he was right. I do. I hate that he planted that thought in my head though. Now I'm really fucking horny. I have these images in my head of very bad things and they just won't go away. GRRRRR. It's going to be one of those days. I'm going to try very, very hard not to be too crazy, but that might prove difficult. I guess I should go to the barn and play with my horse and try to block out the visions of all the illicit things that I'd like to be doing ;)
"Face it. Curiosity
will not cause him to die-
only lack of it will
Never to want to see
the other side of the hill
or some improbable country
where living is an idyll
(although probable hell)
would kill us all.
Only the curious
have, if they live, a tale
worth telling at all"
Alastair Reed - "Curiosity"
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