Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is going to be another EQ post, aren't you? Well it's not. I swear. (Except to mention that due to a bug in the Level 10 Rogue quest, I've had to put my Kerra scout, Necede on vacation. Until they get it fixed I'm playing a Half Elf priest over on the Qeynos side of things. Her name is Apriori so say "hi!" the next time you're in the City of Light :) I also have a Dark Elf priest named Ancalagon that you may see running around Freeport if you visit.) So, with that out of the way... I'm feeling sorta reflective right now so what I really want to talk about is choices. The choices we do make. The choices we didn't make. I've always been a big fan of the motto, "I do not regret the things I did, but those I did not do." Most of the time that's true. I can pinpoint probably 1/2 a dozen major decisions that I've made in my life that would have changed my path rather dramatically had I chosen differently. For one, if I had stayed with my high school boyfriend and gotten married like he wanted to, I'd probably be a soccer mom, trapped in suburbia with my 2.5 kids, a golden retriever, and a mini-van. I can't even begin to imagine what that would be like. Maybe I'd be happy. Who knows...? If things had been a little different, I'd have a 8-year old kid right now. How bizarre does that seem? Talk about my life being the polar opposite of what it is today. These days my biggest concern is wether or not I can quit my job and still afford to support my horse. I'm 33, it's not unusual for a 33 year old to have a kid (or hell, even kids), but the thought of being responsible for a child's well-being scares the shit out of me even now. I'm sure I would have adapted, but I'm sorta glad I ended up not having to. Maybe that's really fucking selfish of me. Actually, there's probably no "maybe" about it... About 10 years ago I dropped out of film school for a variety of reasons. What if I had stuck it out? Would I have the job I want now? Would I be writing for a living? Working as a casting director? Producing important films? I can't answer that. My crystal ball just isn't that clear anymore. For all I know I'd be out of work and trying to eke out a living at some menial job in LA like every other wannabe who didn't make it there. I'd like to believe that wouldn't be the case, but again, who knows...? Looking back there are a lot of "what ifs" in my life. I fucking hate "what ifs." I generally just try not to think about them, but sometimes (when you least expect it) they sneak up and slap you in the back of the head and make you pay attention to them. In recent years I've tried to live a life without regrets. Again, we come back to me being selfish. I do what I want, when I want, and with who I want. I have some friends, Lindy in particular, who sometimes have to be the voices of reason that slap me back to reality and keep me from doing anything really stupid. I do not wish that job upon anyone. I love my delusions and avoid facing reality whenever possible. More times than I care to admit, I have had to be dragged back from the brink, kicking and screaming, before I plunge lemming-like over the edge. I seem to have been looking over the brink and into the abyss a lot lately. Mainly because I'm at a very odd place in my life right now. I sense a change coming and it's bound to be a big one. Cataclysmic even. I keep peering around corners in the hopes that I will see what's coming for me, but I don't think I'm that lucky. I'm going to get fucking blindsided. I'm going to get stabbed in the back or shot through the heart and I won't even know what hit me. The optimist in me hopes it will be a change for the better. Just once I want to be able to follow my heart and do what feels right to me and have it work out. Have it be the right decision. I don't think that's too much to ask, is it? Sadly, my past track record seems to suggest that yes, in fact, it is too much to ask. Honestly, at this point I'm just praying that I'm not going to do something monumentally stupid (that seems like a good idea at the time) and when all is said and done all I'll have to show for it is my family and friends standing around me shaking their heads and saying, "I told you so." Doesn't mean I won't still take the chance when I see it. I think I've proven over and over and over again that I'm not afraid to jump off that bridge when I come to it. I try to live and love with my entire soul regardless of how many times that decision has only proven to result in me getting hurt. I don't know how to live my life any other way. I am impulsive. I am passionate. I am a risk-taker. I think I always will be. That's just who and what I am in the very core of my being. Maybe that's stupid and I just need to fucking grow up and accept my life for what it is. God knows another major failure or disappointment in my life would be bad. Call the men in the little white coats and put me in a padded room kinda bad... I guess I'll have to wait and be surprised, just like everyone else in this little drama that is my life. I sure hope the other players know their lines 'cause I keep forgetting mine. The change is coming. It's going to be soon. Hey, did anyone else see those Four Horsemen that just rode by?
"Because it's like they say. If you're not a rebel by the age of 20 you've got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by 30 you've got no brain. Because there are no story book romances, no fairy tale endings. So, before you run out and change the world, ask yourself, 'What do you really want?'" -- Kevin Spacey - "Swimming With Sharks"
No comments:
Post a Comment