Recap

What a fucked up kinda year this has been. Some things sorta turned out the way I had expected, other things weren't even remotely close. Let's take a look at my New Year's resolutions from last year and see how they turned out...

1) Get back into my Size 6 jeans - Success! This one I actually accomplished and then some. I've lost 25 lbs since moving out to CA. Just 12 more to go...

2) Have the body to wear a bikini again this summer - Ummm, didn't quite make this one. I feel better about wearing a bathing suit now. I'm not quite bikini fit yet, but I will get there this year...

3) Stop annoying my friends - I went from annoying them to pissing them off so technically I got this one right :)

4) Save more $$$ - not even close...

5) Avoid my ex - I did a fantabulos job with this one until last month. Then there were some e-mails exchanged, but mostly I was successful at this res.

6) Have more sex - I had the good fortune to sleep with not one, but two amazing men in 2005. No complaints here. Let's hope 2006 is even better.

7) Keep posting to my blog - There were a few days I missed, but all in all I think I gave a good chronicle of the entire year here...

8) Finish the book and the screenplay I'm working on - didn't touch the book, but finished one screenplay and started on a second. This is my big project for 2006. Write. Write Write. The western WILL get finished.

9) Stop being so obsessive - I think I was better with my obsessiveness. I made up for it by being more neurotic, but that's better than obsessive, right?

10) Be happier about my job - Fuck yeah I'm happier about my job. I love my new one. Getting out of ATL and away from ELNK was the best thing I've ever done for myself...

11) Play more video games - I played a lot of EQ this year. I don't see that changing anytime soon. In addition, I have people trying to get me into Star Wars: Galaxies and City of Villians...

12) Be more open and honest with my friends - Sometimes too much honesty and openness maybe aren't the best things. I fucked up with a lot of people in 2005 and that was partially because I said things I shouldn't have. For a quiet girl, my mouth sure got me into a lot of fucking trouble it seems. I have a few confidantes I'll continue to share everything with, but there are some aspects of my life that are better not discussed with the general populace...

13) Get a new tattoo - this is the one I would have picked as the one I was most likely to foloow through with, but it didn't come to pass. I definitely need to get one in the coming year. Some of the best artists in the world work out of LA, I'm sure I can find someone to give me some ink...

I'm not going to do an official resolutions list for 2006. I'm going to work on the ones I didn't succeed at in 2005 and that should give me more than enough to do. I also vow to spend as much time as possible with TNI (who, I should mention, has been working out pretty religiously the last few months and is lookin' REALLY fucking good these days). I also want to continue to try and work things out with HWMNBN. He's making great strides to get through his "issues" and I have hopes that things will improve between us. So have a HAPPY NEW YEAR everybody! I'm headed to what could be a legendary party tomorrow night. I promise to let you ll know how it goes...

“New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” -- Mark Twain

Sound Of Silence

Sometimes the best days are the days spent not really doing anything at all. That was sorta my day today. I got up and hung out with the family this morning. We watched "Jumanji" on TBS and just talked and whatnot. Then I headed south of the ATL and spent the day hanging out with TNI. We grabbed some lunch, and played some pool, and watched a movie. Aside from getting the scenic backroads tour to get to his sister's house and a fruitless quest to find a sushi restaurant, it was basically a lazy, mellow afternoon... and it was great. Almost everyone else in my life seems to stress me out in one way or another these days. Family, friends, work, etc. I don't have that problem with TNI. I don't have to BE anyone for him. I can just be me and he seems to be ok with that. He seems to get that there are days when I am happy and goofy and fairly talkative and other days when I just need to adhere to my quieter side. Granted, I'm sure he likes happy, fun me better than quiet me, but he doesn't seem compelled to make me talk or fill the silences like most other people. The rest of my world should be as understanding... HWMNBM is the most outgoing person I've ever met. He never shuts up or sits still, and that's fine. It works for him, that's the way he is, but he expects me to keep up with him and that's just not in my nature. (Unless I've got a couple of martinis in me, then I become the most gregarious girl you've ever met.) He's finally starting to get the idea that maybe not everyone else on the planet is quite as extroverted as he is and that's good. Besides, he talks enough for the both of us. I can be Teller to his Penn :) There may be hope for us yet... Even S-boy gets uncomfortable when I lapse into my quiet place. He doesn't like the silences and at this point knows me well enough to change the subject to a topic he knows I'll talk about (movies, horses, hockey, etc) and to his credit, it usually works too. I'm not stupid though. I know when he's doing it and on some level it annoys me a little. Why are most people so uncomfortable with silence? If I have something to say, I'll say it. It doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood. It doesn't mean I'm pissed off at you. Trust me, if I'm pissed you'll fucking know about it. I'm just not good at the small talk thing and find idle chit-chat generally boring.... hmmm, the serious lack of dinner parties on my social calandar suddenly makes much more sense :) Hope everyone had a great holiday! Did I mention that I'm sooooo past ready to get back to LA?

“I like your silence, it the more shows off your wonder.” -- William Shakespeare - "The Winter's Tale" - Act V - Scene iii

Day Thirteen

On the thirteenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Thirteen polo ponies,
Twelve nights in Maui,
Eleven celebrity stalkers,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Home For The Holidays

I find myself back in the ATL and I have to say, it's very odd being back. I know I've been gone less than a year, but it feels like a foreign country to me now. The flight East was bumpy. I got in, had dinner with Mom, and then met up with TNI and a buddy of his. It was so good to see him again. I've really, really missed having him around. I know that's stupid. It's not like I haven't talked to him on the phone practically every day since he's been gone, but it's just not the same. I find myself really relying on having certain people around and when they're not, my life just seems to come a little unhinged. TNI is one of those people, so yeah, I was really glad to see him again... Today was kinda fucked up. My mom and I went over to my brother's place for dinner and it was a whole extended family kind of affair. Parents, step-parents, grandparents, siblings, babies, kids, dogs, close friends, just your basic family chaos. It was a bit of sensory overload for me. I partially blame my jetlag, but that wasn't entirely it. Fortunately, my brother and sister-in-law got a new Italian Greyhound puppy a couple of weeks ago, and Ella latched onto me the minute I walked in the door. She is too cute and gave me a reason to be semi-anti-social. At one point I sat down in a big cushiony chair and she curled up in my arms, put her head on my chest, and went to sleep. That gave me an excuse not to move for like an hour and so I just watched the mayhem unfold around me. I was the eye in the family hurricane... I also got to thinking, which was prolly not a good thing. This is a bad time of year for me to get all reflective, but I did it anyway. So here are some of my thoughts on that... Why is it that people don't realize how horrible they are to the people closest to them? Every day we do things that only hurt those we love. Some are minor slights. An unkind word, a rolling of the eyes. Some are more blatant. Lies, half-truths, things left unsaid. Arguements over petty, stupid shit. I'm as guilty as anyone. I've lied to get what I want. Kept secrets from those I love - sometimes to protect them, sometimes to protect myself. I think a lot of the time we don't do these things maliciously. They just happen. We say we're going to do something, and we don't. We make promises with the best of intentions, but deep down know we can't keep them. We tell people what we think they want to hear... I want to be successful, but I don't want a pile of bodies and a list of people I fucked over to follow me where I want to go. Is that even possible in this day and age or are we really playing a zero sum game? Nobody wins unless somebody loses? I hope we (or at the very least I) have not come to that point... It's the same when it comes to relationships. Of course I want the fairy tale. Someone to live happily ever after with. I know I'm prolly going to have to go through bad relationships to get to that point, but what I don't want is a slew of conquests; a bunch of nights of random, meaningless sex with pretty guys who won't remember my name and who I wouldn't be able to pick out of a line-up a month or two down the road. I've never been very trusting of men, and have been very selevctive of the guys I sleep with (hence the reason I've only been with 4 guys in the last 8 years), but lately the temptation to just let go and take some of the pretty people home with me for a night has really been there. I need to get away from that line of thinking. It's not going to lead anywhere good and that's not that girl I want to be (or become). I've always had a sorta "rule" about not getting involved with married men, but have looked at girlfriends as obstacles to be overcome. I'm thinking karma may frown upon that line of thinking, so I'm going to try and avoid the "involved" ones from now on too. If you're single and available, gimme a call, but if you're lying to someone else by being with me, then go home. Be a man and go back to your fucking girlfriend. If/when you break up with her, gimme a call... I'm also having some weird issues when it comes to my friends these days. I've always been insanely loyal to those close to me. Loyal to a fault many would say. I've burned some bridges in the past and have recently been on a quest to rebuild some of them, to varying success. The question is, why do I bother? Some of these friendships have fallen apart because of things I've done, others just unraveled on their own. Should I learn to just let people go? If they don't want to be a part of my life anymore, why should I be the one to fight to salvage things? I don't have an answer to that. Maybe it's just in my nature to fight for the things/people that are important to me. Necede nedede. I've always had a soft spot for lost causes, even when it's a losing battle that the other side doesn't want me to fight... It's amazing the fucked up route your thoughts can take when you have a tiny, warm dog napping on your chest. I'm not sure how I got on this train of thought, but it was very odd to be thinking these things while the Christmas chaos raged around me... Which is not to say that it made me unhappy. I had a good day. I was maybe just a bit too over-reflective. This season does that to me... Still it's been good to see family and friends. I haven't been posting my happy thoughts lately. Shame on me. So that's my happy thing for today. I'm going to try and be a better person to those people that I love. My family and my few close friends. May we not fuck up each other's lives too badly...

"Never give up. Never surrender." -- Tim Allen - "Galaxy Quest"

Day Twelve

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve nights in Maui,
Eleven celebrity stalkers,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Eleven

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eleven celebrity stalkers,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Ten

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Nine

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Let It Snow... Sorta

You know you're in LA when it's mid-December, it's 80 degrees out, it's snowing fake snow on Hollywood Blvd, and you get stopped at a road block on your way home from work because they're shooting a chase scene on the road you live on. There are days when I truly love this city. It's definitely a ghost town around here though. Traffic has been non-existant all week and work has been dead. It'll be good to see people back in Atlanta, but I still sorta wish I was staying here. I like the warm weather and it's kinda cool basically having the town to myself. I also hate having to leave my dog for a week. Oh well. Family duty and all that jazz. I usually hate this time of year, but aside from a few bad days, December hasn't been so bad this time around. Must be all the sun. My brain doesn't know when or where it is... stop laughing... ok, maybe you're right... that's the case with my brain a lot of the time :)

"When Christmas bells are swinging above the fields of snow, we hear sweet voices ringing from lands of long ago, and etched on vacant places are half-forgotten faces of friends we used to cherish, and loves we used to know." -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Day Eight

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Seven

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

The Family Broderick

This morning it was cold and foggy and just generally a good day to stay inside and watch movies, so I managed to get two more seen today. First up was "The Producers." I never got a chance to go see the play in NYC and it's been forever since I saw Mel Brooks' original film, so I'd forgotten just how funny this musical is. Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane are a great team. They are hysterically funny, have great comic timing, and both can more than carry a tune. Of course, I sorta expected that with all the acclaim they got when the show was running on Broadway. Uma Thurman was a big surprise though. She has a great voice and dances well. From "Kill Bill" to this. Who would have thought? Honestly though, Will Ferrell isthe real standout in this movie. He steals every scene he's in, and he's not in it nearly enough. This movie harkens back to old-time Hollywood musicals and it's a lot of fun. I don't think it's good enough to win any of the major awards, but it's definitely worth the cost of admission... After "The Producers," I snuck in to see Matthew Broderick's wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, in "The Family Stone." Actually the main reason I wanted to see this movie is Rachel McAdams. She has quickly turned into my favorite actress and she's really great in this film. As is the whole cast, especially Luke Wilson. The movie itself is good, but not great. It's also not what I expected. It's funny, but not as funny as the trailers would lead you to believe. It's a little too contrived and sappy, but maybe that's ok for this time of year. It's still a good movie about families and how crazy they can be sometimes. There are a lot of other movies out right now that I would suggest you check out first. My suggestion is wait and NetFlix this one next Christmas...

"Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation." -- Nathan Lane - "The Producers"

Day Six

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

The Eighth Wonder Of The World

Finally a movie that lives up to the hype. "King Kong" is fucking amazing. Action, adventure, romance. A monster movie with heart and soul and a really, really big budget. Peter Jackson should just be given truckloads of cash and allowed to make whatever movie he wants at this point. (Everyone repeat after me, "The Hobbit," "The Hobbit," "The Hobbit.") You guys all know me. I don't cry at movies. I got through "E.T." and "Steel Magnolias" and all those chick-flicks designed to make girls all weepy and whatever and I never shed a tear. No, apparently it takes a special FX giant ape to get me all teary-eyed. This is really a great film. It's worth seeing just to watch the fight scene between Kong and the T-Rexes, but there's so much more to this movie than just action sequences. It definitely doesn't feel like a 3+ hour film. You all know what this movie is about. I don't have to tell you the plot. The cast is great. From Naomi Watts, to Colin Hanks, to a very subdued Jack Black, but this movie is all about the monkey, and the monkey delivers. I'd say Kong is unbelievable, but that's not the case. He's totally believable. Like the "Jurassic Park" dinosaurs that came before him, you just know that he actually exists out there. Peter Jackson convinced us that Middle Earth is a real place and now you just know that he went out and really found Skull Island and brought Kong to us. Thank you for that Peter. All I have to say is, go see it. Go see it. Go see it.

"If you really loved it, you would have jumped." -- Jack Black - "King Kong"

Day Five

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Dear Ms Scrooge...

It was pointed out to me that my quote from last night was not particularly cheery. Mea Culpa. I didn't mean anything by it and didn't mean to trample on everyone else's holiday spirits. I just liked the quote. I for once am sans men problems. I have decided I'm happy how I am right now. I haven't given up the quest to find the right guy; I'm just taking a break from it until further notice. In fact, I'm thinkin' of asking Santa for a pretty boy for Christmakah. Ho. Ho. Ho ;)

Day Four

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

I've Got Your Candy Cane

Today sucked. I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to pretend it didn't happen. Wednesday was better. Let's talk about that. Sometimes even guys can surprise you. My absolute favorite Texan came by the store. He brought me a Christmas card and two Christmas CDs that he burned for me. They're great. He picked my favorite versions of a lot of songs. I had fruitlessly been trying to download some songs to put together a Holiday playlist for my iPod and I hadn't been having much luck. I couldn't find a lot of the songs I was looking for and it was really starting to piss me off. So he saved me hours and hours of frustration. It was very sweet of him. He also gave the CDs cute titles. (See blog title above ;) Yesterday I also found out that I officially got the photo gig I mentioned a couple weeks back. I'm headed to Seattle in March as the official photographer for the Ronald McDonald House/Microsoft Hockey Challenge. Woo Hoo! I'm pretty psyched about it and it should be a lot of fun. Two days of hockey, hockey, hockey. It also justifies the new digital camera I'm buying myself for Christmas now ;) Friday night is my company Christmas party. We're going to a swanky Italian restaurant so that should be fun. Then for the weekend I plan to go to a movie theatre and watch as many movies as I can. Not very exciting for most of you out there I'm sure, but I think it sounds like a perfect way to spend a day (or two). Nothing else to report. I just felt the urge to write something (aside from my developing Christmas carol), but now I feel the urge to sleep, so it's off to bed for this little girl. Just need to write this day off and start over tomorrow... Happy thing for today is TNI. I miss him terribly, but just hearing his voice helped to make my day seem less horrific...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -- Neil Gaiman

Day Three

On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Two

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day One

Ok, as promised here is Day One of my rendition of "The 13 Days of Christmas" (LA-Style)...

On the first day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
An agent at a major agency.

LA Days of Christmas

We do things a little differently out here in the City of Angels so I figure that should go for Christmas carols as well. So starting tomorrow I'm going to regale the Blogverse with "The 13 Days of Christmas." Call it Christmas Hollywood style. Yes, I know that normally the Twelve Days of Christmas start with Christmas Day and finish with the eve of Epiphany on 5th January, but like I said before, we do things a little differently out here in left field :)

"The holiest of all holidays are those kept by ourselves in silence and apart; the secret anniversaries of the heart." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Memoirs Of Another Kind

Days like today are one of the reasons I moved back to California. Here it is, the middle of fucking December, and it was 70+ degrees and sunny and beautiful. There was no smog, just big puffy white clouds in a clear, blue sky. That's definitely my happy thing for today... On the movie front, I only got one seen. I was wide awake at like 8:00 this AM and so I got up and went and caught the early showing of "Memoirs of a Geisha." That's another great thing about LA. Weekend matinee shows start at like 10AM. If I time it right I could conceivably get 4 or even 5 movies seen in day. Today was not that day though. It was too nice to spend indoors, but Geisha was a must-see on my list. I was not wrong. It's a truly remarkable film. Spielberg planned for years to direct this movie and it may prove to be an unwise decision on his part that he never got around to making it. I think it will be the biggest competition that his film, "Munich" has come Oscar time. It's beautifully shot and the cast is amazing. I never read the book, but the story is great. It's all about sacrifice and loss and what lengths people will go to to attain what they love. Ziyi Zhang is one of my favorite actors out there and she was perfect for this role. Yes, I know she is Chinese and not Japanese and that has a lot of people up in arms over her casting, but fuck them. She's awesome and she was born to play this part. The rest of the cast is equally as good. Everything really falls into place in this movie, from costume design, to music, to make up and cinematography. Expect to see this one on a lot of "best of" lists at the end of the year. It should bring home a slew of award nominations as well. Is it the best picture of the year? I don't know. So far, I'd have to call it the front runner, but with "Munich," "Brokeback Mountain," and "King Kong" still on the horizion, the competition may still heat up.

"We create another secret world, a place only of beauty. The very word 'geisha' means artist and to be a geisha is to be judged as a moving work of art." -- Michelle Yeoh - "Memoirs of a
Geisha"

Just A Little Off

I've been a little outta whack the past 2 days. It started on Friday morning. I rolled over and looked at the clock. (Let me mention that it was the analog clock on the wall, not my digital one. That makes me look slightly less stupid.) I saw it reading 7:15 and although I normally don't get up until 7:45 or 8:00, I was wide awake, so I got up. I checked my e-mail and downloaded some stuff from iTunes. Then I logged into EQ to see if I'd sold anything. Basically I just fucked around for 45 minutes. So at 8:00 I turned on KTLA to see what weather and traffic were looking like and was briefly puzzled as to why they were signing off. Then the little light went on and I looked at the digital clock on my dresser. It sat there all blue and glowy and reading 9:13. (I set my clock ahead 13 minutes. It's just a thing I do. Don't ask.) So there I was, not dressed, no makeup, not remotely ready for work and it was 9AM. The time I'm normally walking out the door. I had gotten up at 8:15, not 7:15. Dammit. So I threw on some clothes, slapped on some makeup and ran out the door. Blissfully there was no traffic, which for a Friday is something of a miracle and from the reports on the radio, I was the only one who hit no traffic jams. The 10 and the 110 were particularly hideous apparently. Still, my whole day was just a little "off" and it has continued into today. I have written on my calendar that I'm supposed to get my hair cut next Saturday at 1:00. Cool. Except that apparently my appointment was for today and not next week. Fortunately my hairdresser had another client cancel this morning and so she called me to see if I wanted to come in earlier. So I did, but that totally fucked up my plan to go into the city and see "Memoirs of a Geisha" this afternoon. Ok fine. I figured I'd go see "Syriana" at a theatre near my house instead. No such luck. I missed the showtime at one of them by 15 minutes and the other theatre was sold out. So no movie for this girl today. I'm going to try and get both seen tomorrow instead. If I do, I could conceivably get 5 movies seen in like a week and 1/2, which is more than I've seen in the last 2 months. I saw "Narnia" last Wednesday. I plan to do "Geisha" and "Syriana" tomorrow. Then some friends and I are talking "King Kong" on Wednesday. Lastly Steven Spielberg is hosting a screening of "Munich" on the 20th that S-boy has said he can get me into. Nifty. I love the holiday movie season, but it's a bitch trying to get everything seen. Speaking of S-boy, I had a really bizarre conversation with him on Thursday. He and I have got to stop drinking margaritas together. Every time we do, it turns into some kind of fucked up truth-or-dare session. I was bitching about the guy who blew me off for the Narnia screening and he was bitching about this "clingy" chick who keeps calling him (and no, it's not me :P) and that she driving him crazy. He's very much an outdoorsy kinda guy and this girl is more a shopping-at-the-Beverly Center type. He's finally just stopped returning her phone calls, but that hasn't stopped her from trying to reach him. He's really annoyed. At least I'm not the only one who seems to attract psychos. So anyway, he said something about confident women turning him on and I told him that was bullshit. Guys claim they want confident, assertive women, but when it comes down to it, they don't. They want quiet, submissive girls who do what they're told. Otherwise, I would not still be single. S-boy found that amusing. He told me that there's a difference between being assertive and being aggressive and that I may be a bit too aggressive for most guys out there, but that the real reason I'm still single is because I want to be. He says that I know exactly what I want in a man and until I find exactly what I want, I'm not going to be happy. That's why I get bored with men so easily. I haven't found one who challenges me enough. I need someone who will stand up to me and most men don't have those kinds of balls. He may have a point. I can be a bit demanding and it's definitely going to take a certain kind of guy to convince me to give him a real chance with me. On the bright side, S-boy seems to think I will eventually find that guy. Well, at least one of us sees some light at the end of that particular tunnel of mine :) The convesation then got a bit more goofy as we discussed what else turns us on. (Him - driving fast, women in boots, redheads. Me - storms (thunder and wind), having the back of my neck kissed, guys in black turtlenecks.) We also somehow got on the topic of my licking fetish. Like I said, it was a bizarre conversation. Tequila'll do that to ya. Still, we had a good time. I really like hanging out with S-boy. He doesn't put up with any bullshit and has no problem telling me when he thinks I'm doing something stupid. He definitely speaks his mind and doesn't care what anyone else thinks about his opinions. I wish we could hang out more often. It's not the same as having TNI around, but I have to say that S-boy has certainly been a welcome addition to my life... Although once pilot season gets cranked up, I suspect that I won't see much of any of my boys. Ah, the joys of hanging out with actors. Actually though, I'm sure I'll be just as busy as they are, if not more so. That's ok though. Work goes by a lot faster when we're busy... Enough for today I guess. Happy thing for tonight is being able to see the stars. The nights are so clear out here. It's beautiful and I never tire of looking out my window and seeing stars. Must be the dreamer in me... Enjoy the rest of the weekend :)

"Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives." -- Bertrand Russell

Hang A Left At The Lamppost

This is supposed to be my review for "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe," and it will be, but I have to do a mini-rant first... I lack communication skills. I'm aware of that. I've spent most of my life being referred to as "the quiet one." Ok fine... but even I am better at communicating than most men it seems. I invited a friend of mine to go see this movie with me. He seemed excited to go which was cool. This particular guy and I haven't spoken in a few weeks and so I decided to be the one to play nice and break the silence because I figured this was a movie he really wanted to see. He was supposed to call me yesterday afternoon and let me know if he could go or not. I mean how hard is it to pick up the damn phone and press the little numbers that make it dial? Think I heard from him? Hell no. Not a call. Not even a fucking e-mail. I was not pleased. Oh well. Fuck it. His loss. He missed a hell of a movie and he missed out on a chance to hang out with me for a few hours... So as far as the movie goes, it was beautifully done. Was it true to the book? No. Not totally. I'm writing this review under the assumption that anyone reading it knows this story. Either they read the book or saw the previous film incarnation or something. If you don't know the story then feel free to stop reading now. I've talked to several people who told me they are going to re-read the book before going to see the movie. I had the same thought and re-read it over Thanksgiving. For those of you planning to do that let me tell you to stop. Put it down on the table and back away from the book. Read it after you go to the movie. (If you really feel you have to read a Narnia book, then read "The Magician's Nephew" instead.) I hadn't read the story in probably close to 20 years so I knew what happened, but the smaller details were lost in my memory. If I had not just re-read it, the changes the filmmakers made would not have annoyed me nearly so much. The changes were generally fairly small and were done to place the children in danger sooner and more frequently. I get why they made most of them. I still found them irritating. The one that annoyed me the most was changing the name of The White Witch's head wolf, from Fenris to GrimWald. Why? There was no reason to do it. It was a stupid change. As far as the cast goes, the kids were good. The casting is not as dead on as it has been for say the Harry Potter films, but it was still acceptable. The kids who play Edmund and Susan were fine. The little girl who played Lucy was the best of the four and the boy who plays Peter is very charming... of course I may just feel that way because he really, really reminds me of my friend Stann, but he still definitely has screen presence. Then there is Tilda Swinton who plays The White Witch. She is perfect. She is one of the reasons to see this movie. She is creepy and convincing and is exactly who I would have cast. Mr. Mentor (aka Liam Neeson) was also a great choice to voice Aslan. This is a movie that needs to be seen on the big screen. The special effects are outstanding. They don't rival those of "Lord of the Rings," but then most movies don't, and I think maybe we're wrong to expect them to. (Except for "King Kong" of course. The FX in KK better fucking rock.) Still this is a beautiful film visually. It flows well and is amazing to watch. The battles are violent and the "crucification" scene is disturbing. I would not recommend people taking small kids to see this. But it's a good film (and did I mention that it needs to be seen on the big screen?) There are a ton of potentially huge films coming out in the next couple of weeks, but you should still take the time to go see this one. If you loved the book, then the movie does not disappoint, and if you've never read the book, then the movie will probably blow you away... Happy thing today is LA movie theatre audiences. They don't talk. They turn off their cell phones. They seem to understand that seeing a movie in a theatre should be a pleasant experience for everyone...

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained" -- C.S. Lewis

Victory Is Mine

Today was a good day. I got my New Year's Eve plans all squared away and I did it all by my lonesome. I didn't have to drop any names or anything. I got reservations at one of THE parties to go to all on my own and I'm pretty fucking proud of myself. I won the anuual Los Angeles New Year's game just by being my sweet, charming self. (Ok, everyone stop laughing. I CAN be sweet and charming when I want to be.... No really... I can...) Go figure. Granted, I had to go in and meet with the "reservations team" at this club and it was like going to a fucking audition, but it paid off so yippee skippee. I don't have to stress over that anymore... I also had a surprise visit from S-boy, which is always a welcome distraction. Unfortunately he's going out of town again next week and will be gone until after the New Year. That kinda sucks since I'm not heading back to the ATL until the 23rd... I need some more friends in this town, especially since the few I do have always all seem to be MIA at the same time. Then I'm left to my own devices and get bored and we all know how badly that can turn out... However, I do have another cute friend who may be going to see "The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe" with me tomorrow night, so we'll see how that goes. Hopefully he'll be able to go. If not, maybe I can talk S-boy into going with me. I'll go by myself if I have to, but I'd rather have some company... The day did take a slightly weird turn on the way home though. My car got hit by a bird or a bat or something. Seriously. I saw movement out of the corner of my eye and then something fairly sizeable banged off my passenger-side window. No damage done to the Pony aside from a nasty bloody streak on the window, so hopefully whatever it was died instantly and didn't suffer. But ick. Call it Darwin's Law though. Anything stupid enough to fly into the side of a car probably shouldn't be reproducing.... All right. Time to call it a night. Review of "Narnia" tomorrow if I don't get home too late... My happy thing for today is that the Holiday movie season is officially in full swing now. Lots of good stuff coming out between now and the end of the year...

"If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -- C.S. Lewis

Coming Unglued

I don't even know where to start. The rain blew through overnight and it's bright and sunny and beautiful here in LA today... and my day couldn't suck more. No, that's not true. It could, but let's hope it doesn't come to that because then I would just come completely unhinged. Technology continues to be my bane. Last night I couldn't stay connected to save my life and today my laptop just up and died on me. That's a very, very bad thing. My whole life is on that fucking machine. Yes, I have some of the info backed up in various places, but bad me, I haven't backed shit up lately and so there's A LOT of stuff I'm going to lose if I don't get the damn thing back up and running at least long enough for me to pull some stuff off of it. This also totally fucks up my plans for buying a new digital camera to use for some photo gigs I have lined up. Looks like I'll be spending that $$$ on a new laptop instead. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I totally flipped out on the poor Geek Squad guy at Best Buy. Me. Who very rarely shows anything even resembling emotion (especially in public) and I just lost it. The poor kid didn't know what to do. I'll feel better if I can at least get my stuff off the hard drive and backed up to my desk top. I know it's my own stupid fault for not having done that on a more regular basis, but knowing that didn't stop me from having a little meltdown this afternoon, in fact, it probably made things worse. So yeah, I kinda lost my mind there for a bit today. You'd think I'd be used to fits of maddness by now, but they still tire me the fuck out. I came home and hugged my dog and had a really good crying fit and I'm feeling better now. Really fucking exhausted, but still better... at least until I get on the AlienWare site and find out just how much this new little toy is going to cost me... That well-to-do pretty boy I mentioned last night is sounding better and better all the time...

"A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free." -- Nikos Kazantzakis

Happy thing for today... at least my dog loves me and doesn't care that I'm a raving, fucking lunatic sometimes...

Game Playing

True to my word, I came home from work tonight. I did not go out and consort with The Devil. (See, I'm getting wiser as I get older.) He was not at all pleased with that decision. I thought he only had my cell phone number and so once I got home to my canyon I would be safe from his increasingly angry calls... forgetting that my current cell message contains my home phone number. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He kept calling and calling and calling. Why can't I attract a normal guy just once? Grrr. Arg. I know. I know. I know. I brought this on myself. I'm a fucking idiot sometimes... All I really wanted to do was come home and play some EQ and watch some TV and basically just veg the fuck out. That was not in the cards for me tonight though. Traffic SUCKED. It took me like an hour and 1/2 to get home. The only good thing about the trip was that TNI was kind enough to entertain me for part of the drive. Once I got here, I kept getting kicked offline and there was nothing good on TV. So now on top of being stir crazy and horny, I'm also annoyed... What I really should have done tonight was go to the World Without Sundays show at The Roxy. There would have been at least two very cute Hobbits there I could have flirted with. But it's an ugly, rainy night here in SoCal so I decided not to go. I sorta wish I had though. It would have been fun to drool over Frodo some more, even though he's way too young for me... and that's saying something, since my "Star Wars" rule got thrown out the window some time ago :) So I'm thinking I need to just go to bed and enjoy the fact that it's Friday so I have 2 days of freedom ahead of me. I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with those 2 days, but at least I have them... I do need to work on getting my New Year's plans finalized. NYE in LA is proving to be an adventure. Getting on the list anywhere good is something of a game to these people. It's all about name dropping and kissing the right asses. So I've dropped the few names I've managed to collect and am waiting to see where they get me. Maybe next year I'll be able to get in somewhere on my own merits. Surely it won't take this town too long to figure out how fabulous I am, right? If nothing else, maybe some well-to-do pretty boy will figure that out and I'll just give in to the shallowness like everyone else in this town and live richly ever after... Ok, maybe not... not yet anyway... I'm still holding onto the crazy romantic notion that I might still find "that" guy, ya know? Granted, in LA that's probably a long fucking shot, but what the hell? I'm a gambler at heart. I like long shots... and I must admit that I have a long shot that I'm sure tempted to put my money on at this point. I'm just not sure if he's quite ready to race yet though... Wow. I suddenly miss my horse. I wonder why that is? Hehe. Maybe I just need to make a trip to Hollywood Park to watch the ponies run... Or maybe I need to get some sleep before I start to make even less sense that I already am... My happy thing for today is rain. It makes sleeping so great. There's nothing better than being curled up in your nice warm bed when it's dreary and grey and rainy outside... ok, well maybe having someone else curled up with you would make it better... Have a great weekend everybody!

"When I say, "I love you," it's not because I want you or because I can't have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I've seen your kindness and your strength. I've seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You're a hell of a woman." -- James Marsters - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Moral Support

Well, I talked to all three of my favorite guys today and they seem to be united in the opinion that I need to stay the fuck away from The Devil this weekend. I have to say that when I think about it (and honestly I don't have to think about it too hard), I don't disagree with them. I've just been feeling bored and restless and a little stir crazy this week and the thought of going out and getting into a little bit of trouble has seemed kinda appealing to me. But as TNI so rightly pointed out to me, that's my self-destructive side talking and I need to not listen to that part of my brain when it starts whispering to me. Oh all right. You guys win. I'll behave myself... So, with senseless debauchery off the menu, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with my weekend. I'm sure I'll play some EQ and I want to go see "Syriana." I need to get to work on my Christmas cards too... Happy thing for today is the fact that I have three really extraordinary men looking out for me. I don't deserve any of them...

"Curiosity often leads to trouble." -- Lewis Carroll -- "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"

Hellbound

This week had been going along just peachily until about 6:00 tonight. Then all of a sudden the assholes came out to play. I had 3 guys in a row who wanted to rant about stupid shit. They quickly turned my happy, sunny attitude into a dark and stormy one. Grrr. Arg. So by the time I left work I was in a really pissy mood... but then I ran into Frodo at the gas station. We admired each other's vehicles and discussed a band that we both like and he helped to turn my mood back around. He was really nice and super cute in person. Those blue eyes of his are something else... and speaking of baby blues, to cap off the day, S-boy called me just as I was about to get on the 101 to see if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat. Not one to turn down a free meal and a chance to spend a couple of hours with one of the sexiest men I know, I said, "sure." We decided on Mexican and a few margaritas later found ourselves immersed in a fairly serious conversation about past relationships. (Tequila = bad). That was how I found myself telling him about some of the drama I'd been through with The Devil and then mentioning that The Devil was going to be in town this weekend and that I was actually considering at least going to see him. Well, according to S-boy that is absolutely "not a fucking option." He basically forbid me to go. Apparently he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. I don't like to be told what to do. In fact, I often do the exact opposite just to prove that I can't be told what to do. Still, to appease him, I told S-boy I would think about not going. Honestly though, I don't know what I'm going to do in this case. I had pretty much talked myself out of going to see The Devil, but I don't know. I mean, I KNOW I shouldn't, but the temptation is still there. I'm bored and I'm horny and I'm kinda in the mood to be bad... and time spent with The Devil is always bad... but often times in very good ways... Things could go either way here. Maybe I'll just flip a coin on Friday and see where it sends me... Then I can blame anything that happens on Ka... Don't get me wrong. I love that S-boy is looking out for me. I know he's a good guy and he's very rational and normal and he's trying to keep me from being psychotic and stupid. (And he really has no clue how truly psychotic and stupid I have the potential to be.) I've just never been very good at taking other people's advice, especially when it comes to The Devil. I have a blind spot for him that gets me into all kinds of trouble... This should have been (and was) over a year ago... Dammit... I shouldn't be at this crossroads again... And yet, here I am... thinking very bad things... about a very bad guy... Grrr. Arg... I need to check in with my Guildies on EQ. Maybe we have a raid planned or something. That could swing my decision to stay home. I know it's a stupid reason, but maybe a stupid reason is exactly what I need here... since nothing else (like rationality) seems to be working :P Pardon me while I bang my head against the wall... So I forgot to include my happy thing in my last post. So today I'll put in two. Thing # 1: 'Nilla wafers. They rock. Thing #2: Free movie passes. I'm going to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" next week... of course, that's assuming I survive the weekend...

"When you dance with the Devil, the Devil don't change. The Devil changes you." -- Joaquin Phoenix - "8mm"

Ho-Fucking-Ho

My sister and I have a long-standing tradition in which we venture out to the movie theatre on Thanksgiving night to take in a flick. We've been really hit-or-miss with our choices over the years. This time the plan was originally to go see "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." I was kinda looking forward to seeing that one again, but the plans changed and we elected to go see "The Ice Harvest" instead. Bad decision. On paper this should have been a good movie. John Cusack. Billy Bob Thorton. Connie Nielsen. Oliver Platt. Directed by Harold Ramis. The potential was there for an intriguing black comedy, but this movie did not live up to its expectations. John Cusack did a fair enough job with his part, but this was not one of his better roles. Connie Nielsen tried too hard to play her role as an old-style Femme Fatale and came up short. Billy Bob's performance was just plain bad. There were a few funny moments, but overall the script was weak and disjointed. The violence was senseless. Oliver Platt was the only bright spot in an otherwise dismal film. He was hysterical, but the 20 minutes he spent on screen could not save this movie. I'm so disappointed in Harold Ramis. He's a good director. He has no business turning out a movie like this one...

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere." -- Jane Austen

Random Act Of Kindness

There are days I love being me and I love that I have the people I have in my life. Monday was one of those days. A friend of mine whispered in the right ears and helped to land me a really nifty photo gig. More info to follow once I get the details ironed out, but it looks like a done deal at this point. Woo Hoo! This shoot is going to fucking rock! I will now do the Snoopy dance of joy :) Happy thing for today is people who unexpectedly do nice things for the people they care about...

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Dark Lord Returns

So despite starting out badly, Sunday turned out to be a pretty good day. By the light of day my dream (while still disturbing on so many levels) seemed much more irrational. It's amazing what those night terrors will do to you when they get a hold of you. Brunch with S-boy went well. He really is a good guy. I know he's just looking out for me and trying to protect me. It's all very chivalrous of him. In this case we just sorta agreed to disagree and left it at that... After brunch was "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Great film. Absolutely a great film. I figured there was no way I'd like it better than the last film. "Azkaban" remains my favorite book so far, but I have to say that while I loved the 3rd film, "Goblet of Fire" was even better. It's also much, much darker. The PG-13 rating is well deserved and for a "kid's movie" it was really long. It clocked in at a solid 2 1/2 hours and the kids in the audience barely moved the whole time. They were totally enthralled. The movie stayed true to its source material. There were some minor changes and a few things left out, but otherwise it really followed the book. I have to say that I'm impressed with the way the producers are handling this franchise. Chris Columbus did a great job with the first 2 films, but they were right in replacing him after that. Nothing against Chris, I think he's a good director, but as the stories got darker, he was no longer the right man for the job. It will be interesting to see if Mike Newell gets the job for "Order of the Phoenix." I hope he does. I think he really proved he knows the way these films are supposed to look and feel... So after the movie I came home and got on EQ. I put together a really rockin' group and we did some major damage in Chazic-Thule. I dinged 39 and 40 and am almost halfway to 41. That's pretty impressive for an afternoon. I picked up some decent loot too... So yeah, Sunday turned out much better than I thought it would... Let's hope it's the start of a trend for the rest of the week... My happy thing for today is blue corn muffins. They are yummy...

"Oh well. What's life without a few dragons?" -- Rupert Grint - "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"

Chemical Imbalance

So one thing I forgot to mention about Saturday was that I somehow, magically found myself in possession of a small amount of something called White Widow. I won’t say how I came by it, or even what it is. If you know, you know. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just say that by the time I went to bed last night I had a lot of different things fucking with my head. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, etc, etc, etc. The end result was the most fucked up and upsetting dream that I’ve had in a very long time. My subconscious decided to lash out at me and it picked the most disturbing messenger it could come up with. Without going into the gory details, here’s the gist. I was having sex with this really hot guy and we were having a great time (or so I thought), when all of a sudden he just stops. He gets out of bed and when I ask him where he’s going he says he can’t have sex with me anymore. When I ask why not he manages to hit pretty much every neurotic insecurity that I have. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not good enough for anyone of the “pretty people” set and I should just learn to accept that. I’m uncreative and basically lousy in bed. I’m neurotic and crazy and I’m right when I say I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because there is no way I would keep a guy interested in me long enough to actually have a relationship with him. I’m too aggressive and I need to learn to just do what I’m told and not to be so argumentative. He also attacked my writing skills and told me that I would never be anything other than a dreamer who never attains her dreams. I’m a disappointment to everyone close to me and eventually I’m going to alienate even the few close friends that I have. Ouch. I know it’s just me projecting. I’ve had all these thoughts about myself at one time or another. It’s just a really upsetting list when it all gets thrown at you at once, you know? Especially when the person saying it is someone you care a lot about. If it had been The Devil telling me these things, it would have been easier to take and it would have made perfect sense for him to have been my subconscious deliverer of such unhappy tidings. Such was not the case. So yeah, today didn’t start out so great. I woke up and was very, very upset. Dammit. I definitely need to go see “Goblet of Fire” now. I just need to escape into the Hogwarts world for a few hours. “Walk the Line” is prolly out for today though. Just a bit too heavy I think. Hopefully brunch with S-boy will go well and prove to be undramatic. No drama for me today. Please and Thankee-Sai… Happy thing for today… ummm… I finally finished “Wolves of the Calla.” It was great. I love all the little homages that Stephen threw in just for the geeks like me in his fan base. Star Wars. Harry Potter. The Fantastic Four... SK is the best. I love that he knows his audience so well…

“I had to nurture those doubts as if they were tiny, sickly kittens, until eventually they became sturdy, healthy grievances, with their own cat doors, which allowed them to wander in and out of our conversation at will.” – Nick Hornby – “High Fidelity”

'Lil Slugger

Dunno how many "Paranoia Agent" fans we have out there, but for those of you who are, you'll get the reference... So most mornings while walking from my parking deck off Sunset to the shop, I pass this kid (I say kid, but he's prolly in his early 20s) who is always on rollerblades. I guess he skates to work or something. He's kinda cute and he always smiles at me, but yesterday he kinda freaked me out. He was dressed just like the kid in "Paranoia Agent." Right down to the shorts and red baseball cap and gold rollerblades. It was creepy. I won't be able to look at this guy the same way ever again. Or maybe he's a figment of my imagination that has taken corporeal form and I've conjured him up to help me repress something. Can't say that's a comforting thought. Oh well. If the city of LA is suddenly consumed by an oily black ooze at least you'll all know why. (Watch the show. It's fucked up, but it's good and this will all make soooo much more sense to you :) Today was sorta a weird day. I woke up really, really missing TNI. I can't believe he's already been gone for 3 weeks and is not gonna be around for 5 more. That seems like forever... I got my laundry done, but aside from that, nothing really went as planned. S-boy and I were going to do lunch and then go see the new Harry Potter movie. We only got the lunch thing done though because we had this really, really boneheaded argument. He went home and I was going to go to the movie alone, but ended up missing my showtime and the next show was sold out. Grrr. Arg. So I came home and was going to play some EQ to vent my frustration. Everything started out just peachy. I got into a good group and we laid waste to Runnyeye. I played for about 2 hours and then suddenly the server kicked me off. Ok fine. It happens. So I logged back in, picked up my group, and was promptly kicked off again. It happened 3 times and I was pissed and my group was annoyed so I finally quit trying. Turns out the reason I couldn't keep a connection was because S-boy kept trying to call me to apologize. Great. I'm glad he apologized (ok, so it wasn't really an apology per se, but he did want to say he was sorry he upset me, even though he hadn't changed his mind in regards to what we had argued about), but we got things worked out... and it fucked up my EQ karma for the day. When I logged back in later I couldn't find a decent group and was not in the mood to fight solo so I called it a night. On the bright side, at least "Samurai Champloo" is on now. I'm going to watch that and then go read the last 50 pages of "Wolves of the Calla." Tomorrow I'm doing brunch with S-boy and then going to see Harry Potter. I want to see "Walk the Line" too, but don't know that I'll be in a double feature kinda mood. Guess we'll see how the day goes. At least next week will be short. I love Thanksgiving. I look forward to my trip to Missouri all year. I'm more psyched about Thanksgiving than I am about Christmas. I really kinda wish I was staying here in LA for Christmas rather than going back to Atlanta. Is that wrong? It's not that I don't want to see the fam, and I'm sure we'll all have a great time, I just am not that excited about the trip for some reason. Oh well. That's a blog for another day (and prolly a therapy session waiting to happen). I dunno what I'd do if I stayed here anyway. S-boy and TNI will both be outta town and I'm sure HWMNBN will be going home too. Not that that should matter since I'm not supposed to be fraternizing with him these days. Dammit. I really miss him sometimes. Which is stupid. I should prolly hate him. I know this. I just can't bring myself to do it. Is this fucked up loyalty to some of the people in my life a good trait or my fatal flaw? I guess it's like the Tootsie-Pop question, and the world may never know... Well, enough ruminating for one evening I guess... My happy thing for today is my dog. Roland is so cute when he dreams. He runs in place and even barks sometimes. It makes me smile. I hope he catches whatever it is he's chasing...

"I think that all of us are born with a hole in out hearts, and we go around looking for the person who can fill it." -- Stephen King -- "The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla"

The Blink Of An Eye

I know it's cliche' but it's true; that's how quickly your life can change. I see that now. I also get the whole life flashing before your eyes thing... I guess I should back up a bit. Today started out as a pretty good day. It's my favorite Indian's birthday and I talked to him for a bit this morning which always brightens my day. The weather is beautiful and totally unbelievable out here. There's no way it's November. On top of that, my beloved Santa Ana winds are back with a vengeance and there's a full moon. So I'm horny as hell, but that's ok. I can live with that... Work was dead (as expected), but I still got a lot done. I got a pleasant surprise mid-afternoon when S-boy called and said he was back in town for an audition. Woo Hoo! We're going to try and get together tomorrow. Yay! On my way home from work the day took a scary turn. I was standing on the corner of Highland and Sunset. Then some idiot in a pickup truck ran the red light. He plowed into the side of a BMW that was going through the intersection and said BMW then encountered the telephone pole that I was standing next to. I barely had time to react. Had the telephone pole not been there I have no doubt that I would not be sitting here writing this blog post. So yeah, interesting day... I'm still all about the fuzzy puppies though. Probably even more so now. My happy things for today are Orville Redenbacher Kettle Corn and Virgil's Cream Soda. They make the perfect dinner for a girl who still seems to be a little bit in shock... I guess almost getting squashed by a car will do that to 'ya... Oh! And one more disturbing thing. What the fuck were the Ducks thinking?!? Who the hell trades Sergei Fedorov for Tyler Wright?!? Nothing against Tyler, but WTF?!? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid...

"No single experience is a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - so-called "trauma" - but we make out of them just what suits our purposes." -- Alfred Adler

Fuzzy Puppies

I got up this morning and decided that I'm really sick and fucking tired of being unhappy so I'm not going to be. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do that, but I've always been pretty good at ignoring problems until they go away (or at least until they come to a head and I'm forced to confront them), so that's what I'll do here. I'm just going to choose to ignore these unhappy thoughts until they disappear. When I feel 'da funk a comin' on, I'll just think of fuzzy puppies or something. I'm pretty sure that fuzzy puppies trump the blues in most cases. Worth a shot anyway... I'm also going to start including one thing that makes me happy in every blog post... Besides, Thanksgiving is coming and Christmas after that and for once these holidays will be about what they're supposed to be about; being with family and friends and just enjoying the people I love. I seriously am not buying gifts for anyone this year. It's partially because I'm borderline broke right now and partially because I refuse to get caught up in the stupid materialism that seems to get a stranglehold on everyone this time of year. If I had some sort of "crafty" bone in my body I would make things for everyone, but my creative talents don't lie along those lines. So cards and my love and affection are it from this girl. The more I think about it, the more I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. I really miss my sister. Both of us have crazy lives these days and we hardly even get a chance to talk anymore, so even though it's going to be a short trip, at least we'll actually get to spend some time together... On a totally unrelated note, can someone please make Cartoon Network stick to a lineup on Saturday nights? They are really confusing my poor DVR. I just want to record "Inuyasha" and "Samurai Champloo." Is that too much to ask? Seems to be these days... Work was dead, dead, dead today. I suspect it will be for the rest of the year. This town pretty much shuts down for the holidays... Let's see, what other random crap can I babble about tonight? I had a damn good week on EQ. I dinged 38 with Apriori tonight. Woo Hoo! If I keep getting into good groups I should be able to get to 40 this week. Yes, I'm a dork. We all know this... For the rest of you geeks out there, go check out Brian Azarello's new comic. It's called "Loveless." It's a western and it's pretty damn good... Ok, that's enough for tonight. I need to get some sleep. It will be hard to maintain my new fuzzy puppy outlook on life if I'm all grumpy from sleep deprivation... My happy thing for today's post is the Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials. They amuse the hell out of me...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad."

-- Rodgers & Hammerstein - "The Sound of Music"

Careful What You Wish For

Well, I said I was going to fly solo for awhile and it looks like I got my wish. This really wasn't what I had in mind though. I meant I didn't want to date anyone for awhile. What I got is all of my boys not being around at all :( TNI and S-boy are both out of town for at least the next few weeks and HWMNBN and I are officially "on a break" and therefore not hanging out. It sucks and I'm actually kinda angry with myself for how I feel right now. Since when do I need other people (especially guys) in my life? I've always liked being alone. With the exception of a very select people over the years I actually prefer being alone. Now all of a sudden I find myself very, very lonely and that pisses me off to no end. I'm stronger than this. I have no explanation for this stupid fucking funk that I'm in. I've been like this for awhile now. I was like this before TNI came out here and was like this to some extent even while he was here, but the last couple of weeks have been even worse. Grrrr. Arg. I need to be medicated or something. Things are actually pretty good in my life these days. I love my job. I love being in LA. Even though they aren't around physically right now, I love the men in my life and it's not like they won't be back at some point in the forseeable future. Aside from not having "that guy" in my life right now (and let's face it, I haven't had anything resembling a normal boyfriend-girlfriend kinda relationship in for-fucking-ever, so that's nothing new), my life is pretty peachy. So why the funk? No, really. I need someone to tell me because I can't explain it. I'm totally over-reacting to the state of aloneness I find myself in. Maybe I'm just homesick. I haven't seen my family in going on 6 months now. If that's the case, then Thanksgiving should help. The whole clan is going to be there and we should have a great time. Ok, enough whining for one afternoon. I hate when people do that whole "woe is me" thing, especially those people who have no good reason for doing it. Like me for instance. I'm going to go play some more EQ. I joined a new guild with Ap and they so far seem like a really fun group. Well, at least my virtual alter ego has people to hang out with these days ;) I miss you all! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." -- Orson Welles

A Geographically Challenged Nymphomaniac

Not sure what to post today, but since I'm not doing anything else, I figured the least I could do is write a blog post... I had grand plans to go see "Jarhead" and "Chicken Little" this afternoon, which I'm sure would have made for a particularly schizophrenic day at the movies, but the showtimes came and went and I wasn't motivated to leave the house... It's a beautiful day here in SoCal and I did spend some time outside playing with Roland this morning. He's been kinda blue lately but going for "walkies" always seems to cheer him up. Ahh the simple life of a dog... With the weather like it is here, it's hard to believe Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away. I guess that's what I get for moving to a locale that doesn't really have any discernible seasons. That's a price I'm definitely ok with paying... Not much on the agenda for the weekend. I had plans for tonight but they kinda fell through so I think I'm just going to hang out here. Maybe play some EQ. I haven't played much recently, but am sorta getting back into it now. Guess I just needed a questing break... I promised Roland we'd go do something tomorrow. If S-boy is back in town I'll prolly give him a call and see if he wants to go to Dog Beach or go hiking or something. Anything to get out of the house for a few hours... I do have an annoying headache today too. It's not really that bad, it's just sorta there. Lurking. Trying to decide if it wants to get worse. My general lack of activity this afternoon, and the fact that I probably should have had something more substantial for breakfast than a bowl of Fruit Loops, might have something to do with it as well... I'm still not used to the time change out here. Out here on the left coast it gets dark so fucking early this time of year. Here it is, barely 3:30, and twilight is already setting in. It'll be dark by 5:00. Great for all my vampire friends, but the days sure seem short for the rest of us... I had an e-mail from The Devil this morning. He just doesn't know when to quit. He's going to be in town in a few weeks and seems to think that we're going to hook up while he's here. Not bloody likely. Grrrr. Why are men so stupid? In this one's case, it's probably because my track record speaks for itself. He and I have been "on-again-off-again" so many times over the last decade that it's become almost comical... in a scary, creepy sorta way. I admit, there are times when I do miss him... well, not really him so much as sex with him. That was the one thing we were always good at together. It was like the best drug you ever could imagine and I was soooo addicted to it for longer than I care to admit. Damn but we had some crazy nights... and I have the scars to show for it. Unfortunately that's a road I just can't journey down again. That bridge washed out a long time ago and then I burned the remains of it and threw out the map of how to get there just for good measure. This is the one person that I have ever been truly afraid of, and I don't care how great that fear made the sex, I just can't chance letting him back into my life even for a night. Ya know? The fact that I even considered it for the barest fraction of a split second shows just how dangerous his hold over me was, and to some extent still is. Ah the joys of having an addictive personality... This is why I should never be bored and left to my own devices. My brain wanders off into the deep woods, and with my remarkably bad sense of direction, you just know it's going to get lost and find its way into to an amazing amount of trouble trying to find it's way back out... Wow, this post ended up quite a bit longer than I would have anticipated seeing as how I had no fucking idea what I was going to write about when I started.... To quote Jack Sparrow, "Interesting... very interesting..."

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours." -- Kate Winslet - "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

Going Todash

Don't worry if you don't understand the title of this post. It's an inside joke amongst us gunslingers out here. It also explains my day. I got locked into this very realistic dream in the small hours of this morning and I couldn't get out of it. I even slept right through my alarm which hasn't happened in like eons. And today was a bad morning for me to sleep late. The rain rolled in over night which meant chaos and general mayhem on the freeways. So I was behind the eight ball from the time I got up and I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I'm trying to be less frivilous with what I spend money on these days so rather than stopping to get coffee on the way to work I figured I'd bring coffee beans and make my own when I got to the shop. Great idea in theory... except that I forgot to bring anything to put in the coffee. You know, sugar, creme, chocolate, etc. It's not like I can drink straight black coffee. Ick. You know how pregnant women aren't supposed to have caffeine? Well, I've determined that I can't not have caffeine and be expected to function. My whole world just seems to slip out of focus and into this fucked up un-reality. By mid-afternoon I had a pounding headache and since it was pouring down rain outside I really wasn't motivated to go to the store down the street to get a Frappucino. I finally convinced one of my reps that she really, really wanted to go and since she was going would she mind getting me something too? It was the best Frappucino ever and everything improved after I got my caffeine fix. It was still a long, dreary, wet day here in LA which makes me kinda melancholy. TNI and S-Boy are both outta town and days like this make me miss them more that I should. For a loner, I'm not very good at being alone lately. I need to work on that I guess. Damn rain seems to make me introspective too, doesn't it? Well, the rain should be gone soon. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend.

"Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! I must have coffee..." -- Johann Sebastian Bach

P.S. - I just finished watching this week's ep of "Lost" and all I can say is, "holy shit!" This is such a good fucking show... not a happy show, but a great show nonetheless. It definitely keeps you guessing...

Fuck A Duck?

... or at least an ex one... That was my most recent personal dilemma. Touch decision, eh? Despite my recent propensity for finding myself involved with actors, it seems I still harbor some deep-rooted affinity for hockey players. It's been lying there, lurking, waiting for an excuse to come out and play. Friday night it got it's chance. It was a weird thing. Friday was cruising along like a perfectly normal day. Work was slow and I was bored out of my fucking mind, but aside from that, everything was copacetic. Then a friend of mine (one I really should not be going out with, even in a "just friends" capacity) called and asked if I wanted to go to the Ducks/Sharks game at the Pond. Normally I would have said, "no," but I've been itching to go to a hockey game and wasn't about to turn down tickets on the glass, so I went. It was actually a pretty boring game. The Sharks won 1-0 in OT. No scoring for 3 long periods and no real good penalties either, but I did get to see Selanne play and hockey is hockey, so we'll call that the upside. After the game we found ourselves hanging out downstairs waiting on a couple of players. (Did I mention that my friend knows like half the team?) So yeah, there we are waiting and who should walk by but this ex-Duck that I know from way back. I was surprised to see him 'cause last I heard his rights belonged to an East Coast team and he should have been several thousand miles away from LA, but apparently he decided not to report to his new team. (He's willing to turn down a couple hundred thou a year simply because he doesn't want to play back east again. Ok, so he's not the brightest guy I know. ) I've known this guy for over a decade and have had a serious thing for him as long as I've known him. Let's give him the "bloggiker" of Big Jim. He did a double-take when he saw me. It was great. Then he gave me a huge hug and totally freaked my other friend out. (Big Jim is a big guy, so he can be a bit a intimidating to those who don't know him.) So anyway, we chatted and caught up and the next thing I knew I was headed to a strip club called Taboo with Big Jim, my other friend (ah, fuck it, it was HWMNBN), and 1/2-a-dozen hockey players. (If anyone saw "Smallville" this past week, you'll understand how bizarrely my life can mirror fiction sometimes.) Why is it that when I hang out with the hockey set I always seem to end up at strip clubs? Still, it was fun. I definitely drank more than I should have and it was a situation that HWMNBN should not have been in and if I was a good friend I would have talked him into not going, but I wanted to spend some time with Big Jim so I didn't. So shoot me. I'm a selfish bitch. The night could have taken an ugly turn, but it didn't. There was no drama. Just good fun had by all. Did I fuck Big Jim or did I leave with HWMNBN? I'm not going to say. It's really no one's business but mine. Regardless of how the night ended, who I did or didn't sleep with, it was an interesting evening. Contrary to how I sometimes come across on this blog, I'm not quite as confident as I might seem. I have the same self-esteem issues as most of the other women out there. I've been feeling very undesirable lately (and the fact that HWMNBN called me this afternoon to tell me that he thinks we shouldn't even be friends anymore certainly didn't improve my opinion of myself), but it was kinda nice to have a bevy of really good-looking, athletic men fawning all over me, even if it was just for a night and was mostly alcohol-induced. Sometimes bad attention is better than no attention at all... or at least that's what I've told myself over and over and over again in the past and does a lot to explain the fucked up relationships I always seem to find myself in... My little Friday night adventure doesn't change my recent decision to fly solo for awhile. If anything it solidified it. I don't see some sexy white knight riding up on his horse and us riding off into the sunset any time soon. As much as I would like to have that guy in my life, I just don't think he's out there for me right now. If I think about it too hard that would probably depress me, so I guess I just won't think about it. That'll make the problem go away, won't it?

"Beware white knights, people. They don't slay dragons. They train them to suit their own dark purposes." -- James Marsters -- "Smallville"

Skullduggery

S-boy proved today that he knows me WAY better than he should. He came by to look at some stuff I'm working on for him and he brought me a gift. A life-size, dark chocolate skull. He says he saw it this weekend and thought of me instantly and just had to get it for me. Awww. I'm touched. There aren't a lot of us girls out there that would think getting a skull was cool, but I'm definitely one of the few. With some help from the other people at work, I ate the whole fucking thing. It was yummy, but I've had WAY too much chocolate today. I also had like 4 cups of coffee so had WAY too much caffeine on top of that. I'm still wired and bouncing off the fucking walls. That's not a good thing. I haven't slept well the past couple of nights as it is so I prolly should have known to lay off the caffeine and sugar, especially later in the day, but decided what the hell? I'll sleep when I'm dead. Besides, it's Halloween and it's not every day that a really hot guy brings you a skull to gnaw on. Ok, so I'm a little fucked in the head. I admit it... and honestly, I'm kind of a little proud of it. It makes life more interesting. Happy Halloween everybody!

"The lightning flashes through my skull; mine eyeballs ache and ache; my whole beaten brain seems as beheaded, and rolling on some stunning ground." -- Herman Melville -- "Moby Dick"

Beginnings and Endings

It was sorta a long week. Not a lot to report really. I just seemed to have a lot of high-maintenance, hostile people to deal with. I also made the particularly heart-wrenching decision to sell my horse. It was the right thing to do. She's too nice a horse to be standing around in a pasture getting fat and lazy and I just don't have the time and money to devote to her that she deserves. She's going to a good home and I will get a foal out of her a couple of years down the road. That didn't make the decision any easier. Mostly I try not to think about it... Wednesday night, The Naked Indian and I continued what has become our weekly ritual of going out for sushi. Did I mention that I'm really into sushi now? Not quite sure how that happened, but I'm not going to question it. I like that TNI and I have this "thing" that we do together. It's fun... Thursday I decided I really needed a day off so I called in sick and TNI and I just hung out all day. We watched some movies and read our books, and I even worked on my script a little. Not too terribly exciting, but it was a good day nonetheless... which was good, 'cause Friday was pretty crappy. Work sucked and to add to it Adam came by the shop to place a new order. He was his sweet, charming self and acted as if nothing had happened between us. That made me sad and angry both, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. He's still a client and so I have to be nice and professional. So I was... Sigh... I also talked to HWMNBN on Friday on my way home from work. That in and of itself wasn't such a bad thing. He and I have been on pretty good terms lately, he just caught me in a bad mood and pushed some buttons he shouldn't have pushed. That got me all kinds of upset... but fuck it. I have to stop letting guys manipulate my emotions like this. I know I've been saying that for awhile now, but for the sake of my own sanity, I really need to actually do it, but I can't help it. I bitch about relationship crap a lot, but I'm also kinda tired of being alone. It's really not even about sex. If I want to, I can go out and find a different cute boy to play with every night of the week. It's more about having someone who really cares about me. Someone who'll wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and I know he actually means it. Someone who makes me feel safe. Right now I have two really amazing men in my life. S-Boy and The Naked Indian are incredible and I don't know what I'd do without them. They are both very accepting of who I am and even humor my neurotic craziness most of the time. I love them both dearly and know they love me. I also know it's not fair to compare other guys that I meet to the two of them. I'm unbelievably lucky to have found them and to have them in my life at all and the chances of anyone holding a candle to them is slim. I just want to find someone who is as accepting of me as they are, but who also wants to be something other than just friends. I know it's a long shot, but I don't think that should be too much to ask. I thought for awhile that Adam was going to be that guy, but obviously I was wrong on that front. I guess I should just stop trying for awhile though. Some alone time might be what I need more than anything. TNI is out of town for the next few days which (for his sake) is probably good. I'm feeling a little emotionally unstable this weekend and when I get like this, the people close to me that I care about are usually the ones who end up suffering the slings and arrows of my discontent. S-boy and I had discussed maybe getting together tomorrow, but I'm thinking that might not be such a good idea either. There's no need for him to be subjected to the collateral damage of my emotional turmoil either... ok, enough of this. I'm just tired. My head is fucking killing me. I'm going to call it a night... Everybody have a great weekend...

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -- Nietzsche

Acts Of Violence

Bless me, Father. It has been nearly a week since my last confession... er... I mean post.... I have some stuff I want to talk about, but I'm not sure exactly what I want to say yet, so I'm going to put my newest relationship rant on hold until I can straighten some of this crap out in my own head... In the meantime, here are some quick movie reviews I've not gotten around to putting up:

"A History of Violence" - Viggo Mortensen at his best. The rest of the cast is good (especially a very creepy Ed Harris), but this is Viggo's movie. It's violent (read the title, duh!) and not totally predictable. It's basically an indie film, with a slightly better budget than normal, and a slightly more high profile cast than your typical indie. If you like thrillers and mob films, you'll like this one. David Cronenberg always puts out "edgey" films and this one is no exception.

"Domino" - This film could have really sucked. But it didn't. I must say it was a pleasant surprise. Keira Knightly was a bad ass. This is a very different kinda film for her and she was great in it. I've taken to describing this movie an an indie action film. There's a lot of violence and mayhem but it's shot in this ultra-saturated, high contrast way that just works. Tony Scott is a good director and the cast works well for him. Aside from Knightly, Mickey Rourke rocks. The movie is both funny and action packed, but is not for the squeamish. It's seriously violent, which in my book is a good thing, but is probably not for everyone...

"Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang" - This is easily one of the best (and probably my favorite) movies of the year so far. It's a modern-day film noir. There's a little Raymond Chadler. A little Dashiel Hammet. A little Coppola. And a little Tarantino. This film is for anyone who loves LA like I do or for anyone who has even the smallest inkling as to how fucked up this town (and the entertainment business) really is. The plot is intricate and convoluted and often unpredictable. The dialogue is witty and well-written. This film has some of the best quotes ever. Robert Downey, Jr and Val Kilmer both give nominateable performances. It's a really fun movie. It has it's violent moments, but lots of time they at least have a sense of humor to go along with them. The film is in limited release in NYC and LA right now, but opens wide next week. Go see it. It's great. You'll love it. Trust me on this one...

Perry Van Shrike: You're an idiot. You know that. You know if you looked in the dictionary next to the word "idiot" you know what you'll find?
Harry Lockhart: A picture of me?
Perry Van Shrike: No! The definition of the word "idiot". Which you are.

-- Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr - "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang"

Froad Rage

I am a serial killer. On my way home from work last night I must have killed a thousand fucking froads (translation: frogs and toads. I couldn't tell which they really were.) It was unavoidable. They were everywhere. It was like live-action "Frogger." I felt bad, but what was I supposed to do? So aside from the mass frogicide, yesterday was way better than I thought it would be. It rained and rained and rained some more, but it was actually pretty relaxing. The fog rolling through the canyons was beautiful and amazing and we all know my thing for thunder and lightning. I didn't obssess over Colin or Adam or anything. That was good. I also decided to stop stressing over shit I can't control. Colin died. I miss him, but it wasn't my fault. I had no control over that. Adam doesn't trust me. Nothing I can do or say is going to change his mind. Being the control freak that I am, I want to be able to just snap my fingers and make everything better, even though I know I can't. I need to just keep reminding myself of that. For once, this was not my fault. I didn't do anything to fuck this up. Adam might tell a different story, but I can't (and won't) make myself crazy over this. He doesn't deserve me if he's not willing to trust me... Today was good. Kinda hectic, but good. I've got a project I'm working on with S-boy so I got to hang out with him a bit this afternoon. He really is a good guy and he's a lot of fun. He's also smart and ambitious and doesn't take shit from anybody. He knows what he wants and has a very definite plan on how to get where he wants to go. I admire him for that... Not sure what the rest of the week has in store for me. I really do want to start working on my script again. I've been off track for several weeks now. I plan to get at least a few scenes written on my western this weekend. The funk I went through last weekend should actually help. It will give me some emotional energy to feed upon and that always helps my writing... I still have some movie reviews to post, I'll try and get to those tomorrow...

"All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others." -- Cynthia Heimel

The Chalk Is Free

Not sure what to post, just figured I should put something up. It was a weird weekend. It wasn't bad, I've just been in this deep blue funk I can't seem to shake. It's not a surprise. I go through this every fucking year at this time, but I knew this year would be worse. Milestone anniversary and all that. I have got to learn how to stop holding onto the past. It's one of my tragic flaws. I just need to get through tomorrow and things will be better... So the weekend. Friday was good and bad. The whole Adam thing really upset me, but fuck him. I got to hang out with S-boy for a bit and then went and saw "Domino" with The Naked Indian. (I'll post a review of it later.) Saturday I worked and had a stupid fight with Adam on the phone on the way home from work which upset me even more. (Once again, let me say fuck him. I'm not putting myself through this shit over some guy anymore.) Then I went out with The Naked Indian to play some pool and get really drunk. It was what I needed to do. I just had to go out and have some fun and forget all the bullshit, even if it was just for a little while. I know I've mentioned this before, but I suck at pool. I love to play, but I am soooo bad at it. There's math involved you know. Guess I just need to practice more. Sunday turned out to be a lazy day. It was cloudy and a little cold and it took me till about mid-afternoon to shake the funk that had crept back into me, but tonight has been better. Just hanging out, watching some movies, nothing stressful or productive. Again though I think I needed a day like this. I'm so glad to have The Naked Indian in town right now. I know I haven't been too much fun lately, but he's been great. These last few days would have been so much worse without him. Tomorrow is going to suck. Hopefully work will be really busy and the day will just blow by and be over. So that was the weekend. I'll try and post something more entertaining later in the week...

"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." -- Audrey Hepburn - "Breakfast at Tiffany's"