Chemical Imbalance

So one thing I forgot to mention about Saturday was that I somehow, magically found myself in possession of a small amount of something called White Widow. I won’t say how I came by it, or even what it is. If you know, you know. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just say that by the time I went to bed last night I had a lot of different things fucking with my head. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, etc, etc, etc. The end result was the most fucked up and upsetting dream that I’ve had in a very long time. My subconscious decided to lash out at me and it picked the most disturbing messenger it could come up with. Without going into the gory details, here’s the gist. I was having sex with this really hot guy and we were having a great time (or so I thought), when all of a sudden he just stops. He gets out of bed and when I ask him where he’s going he says he can’t have sex with me anymore. When I ask why not he manages to hit pretty much every neurotic insecurity that I have. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not good enough for anyone of the “pretty people” set and I should just learn to accept that. I’m uncreative and basically lousy in bed. I’m neurotic and crazy and I’m right when I say I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because there is no way I would keep a guy interested in me long enough to actually have a relationship with him. I’m too aggressive and I need to learn to just do what I’m told and not to be so argumentative. He also attacked my writing skills and told me that I would never be anything other than a dreamer who never attains her dreams. I’m a disappointment to everyone close to me and eventually I’m going to alienate even the few close friends that I have. Ouch. I know it’s just me projecting. I’ve had all these thoughts about myself at one time or another. It’s just a really upsetting list when it all gets thrown at you at once, you know? Especially when the person saying it is someone you care a lot about. If it had been The Devil telling me these things, it would have been easier to take and it would have made perfect sense for him to have been my subconscious deliverer of such unhappy tidings. Such was not the case. So yeah, today didn’t start out so great. I woke up and was very, very upset. Dammit. I definitely need to go see “Goblet of Fire” now. I just need to escape into the Hogwarts world for a few hours. “Walk the Line” is prolly out for today though. Just a bit too heavy I think. Hopefully brunch with S-boy will go well and prove to be undramatic. No drama for me today. Please and Thankee-Sai… Happy thing for today… ummm… I finally finished “Wolves of the Calla.” It was great. I love all the little homages that Stephen threw in just for the geeks like me in his fan base. Star Wars. Harry Potter. The Fantastic Four... SK is the best. I love that he knows his audience so well…

“I had to nurture those doubts as if they were tiny, sickly kittens, until eventually they became sturdy, healthy grievances, with their own cat doors, which allowed them to wander in and out of our conversation at will.” – Nick Hornby – “High Fidelity”