Beginnings and Endings

It was sorta a long week. Not a lot to report really. I just seemed to have a lot of high-maintenance, hostile people to deal with. I also made the particularly heart-wrenching decision to sell my horse. It was the right thing to do. She's too nice a horse to be standing around in a pasture getting fat and lazy and I just don't have the time and money to devote to her that she deserves. She's going to a good home and I will get a foal out of her a couple of years down the road. That didn't make the decision any easier. Mostly I try not to think about it... Wednesday night, The Naked Indian and I continued what has become our weekly ritual of going out for sushi. Did I mention that I'm really into sushi now? Not quite sure how that happened, but I'm not going to question it. I like that TNI and I have this "thing" that we do together. It's fun... Thursday I decided I really needed a day off so I called in sick and TNI and I just hung out all day. We watched some movies and read our books, and I even worked on my script a little. Not too terribly exciting, but it was a good day nonetheless... which was good, 'cause Friday was pretty crappy. Work sucked and to add to it Adam came by the shop to place a new order. He was his sweet, charming self and acted as if nothing had happened between us. That made me sad and angry both, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. He's still a client and so I have to be nice and professional. So I was... Sigh... I also talked to HWMNBN on Friday on my way home from work. That in and of itself wasn't such a bad thing. He and I have been on pretty good terms lately, he just caught me in a bad mood and pushed some buttons he shouldn't have pushed. That got me all kinds of upset... but fuck it. I have to stop letting guys manipulate my emotions like this. I know I've been saying that for awhile now, but for the sake of my own sanity, I really need to actually do it, but I can't help it. I bitch about relationship crap a lot, but I'm also kinda tired of being alone. It's really not even about sex. If I want to, I can go out and find a different cute boy to play with every night of the week. It's more about having someone who really cares about me. Someone who'll wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and I know he actually means it. Someone who makes me feel safe. Right now I have two really amazing men in my life. S-Boy and The Naked Indian are incredible and I don't know what I'd do without them. They are both very accepting of who I am and even humor my neurotic craziness most of the time. I love them both dearly and know they love me. I also know it's not fair to compare other guys that I meet to the two of them. I'm unbelievably lucky to have found them and to have them in my life at all and the chances of anyone holding a candle to them is slim. I just want to find someone who is as accepting of me as they are, but who also wants to be something other than just friends. I know it's a long shot, but I don't think that should be too much to ask. I thought for awhile that Adam was going to be that guy, but obviously I was wrong on that front. I guess I should just stop trying for awhile though. Some alone time might be what I need more than anything. TNI is out of town for the next few days which (for his sake) is probably good. I'm feeling a little emotionally unstable this weekend and when I get like this, the people close to me that I care about are usually the ones who end up suffering the slings and arrows of my discontent. S-boy and I had discussed maybe getting together tomorrow, but I'm thinking that might not be such a good idea either. There's no need for him to be subjected to the collateral damage of my emotional turmoil either... ok, enough of this. I'm just tired. My head is fucking killing me. I'm going to call it a night... Everybody have a great weekend...

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -- Nietzsche