Skullduggery

S-boy proved today that he knows me WAY better than he should. He came by to look at some stuff I'm working on for him and he brought me a gift. A life-size, dark chocolate skull. He says he saw it this weekend and thought of me instantly and just had to get it for me. Awww. I'm touched. There aren't a lot of us girls out there that would think getting a skull was cool, but I'm definitely one of the few. With some help from the other people at work, I ate the whole fucking thing. It was yummy, but I've had WAY too much chocolate today. I also had like 4 cups of coffee so had WAY too much caffeine on top of that. I'm still wired and bouncing off the fucking walls. That's not a good thing. I haven't slept well the past couple of nights as it is so I prolly should have known to lay off the caffeine and sugar, especially later in the day, but decided what the hell? I'll sleep when I'm dead. Besides, it's Halloween and it's not every day that a really hot guy brings you a skull to gnaw on. Ok, so I'm a little fucked in the head. I admit it... and honestly, I'm kind of a little proud of it. It makes life more interesting. Happy Halloween everybody!

"The lightning flashes through my skull; mine eyeballs ache and ache; my whole beaten brain seems as beheaded, and rolling on some stunning ground." -- Herman Melville -- "Moby Dick"

Beginnings and Endings

It was sorta a long week. Not a lot to report really. I just seemed to have a lot of high-maintenance, hostile people to deal with. I also made the particularly heart-wrenching decision to sell my horse. It was the right thing to do. She's too nice a horse to be standing around in a pasture getting fat and lazy and I just don't have the time and money to devote to her that she deserves. She's going to a good home and I will get a foal out of her a couple of years down the road. That didn't make the decision any easier. Mostly I try not to think about it... Wednesday night, The Naked Indian and I continued what has become our weekly ritual of going out for sushi. Did I mention that I'm really into sushi now? Not quite sure how that happened, but I'm not going to question it. I like that TNI and I have this "thing" that we do together. It's fun... Thursday I decided I really needed a day off so I called in sick and TNI and I just hung out all day. We watched some movies and read our books, and I even worked on my script a little. Not too terribly exciting, but it was a good day nonetheless... which was good, 'cause Friday was pretty crappy. Work sucked and to add to it Adam came by the shop to place a new order. He was his sweet, charming self and acted as if nothing had happened between us. That made me sad and angry both, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. He's still a client and so I have to be nice and professional. So I was... Sigh... I also talked to HWMNBN on Friday on my way home from work. That in and of itself wasn't such a bad thing. He and I have been on pretty good terms lately, he just caught me in a bad mood and pushed some buttons he shouldn't have pushed. That got me all kinds of upset... but fuck it. I have to stop letting guys manipulate my emotions like this. I know I've been saying that for awhile now, but for the sake of my own sanity, I really need to actually do it, but I can't help it. I bitch about relationship crap a lot, but I'm also kinda tired of being alone. It's really not even about sex. If I want to, I can go out and find a different cute boy to play with every night of the week. It's more about having someone who really cares about me. Someone who'll wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and I know he actually means it. Someone who makes me feel safe. Right now I have two really amazing men in my life. S-Boy and The Naked Indian are incredible and I don't know what I'd do without them. They are both very accepting of who I am and even humor my neurotic craziness most of the time. I love them both dearly and know they love me. I also know it's not fair to compare other guys that I meet to the two of them. I'm unbelievably lucky to have found them and to have them in my life at all and the chances of anyone holding a candle to them is slim. I just want to find someone who is as accepting of me as they are, but who also wants to be something other than just friends. I know it's a long shot, but I don't think that should be too much to ask. I thought for awhile that Adam was going to be that guy, but obviously I was wrong on that front. I guess I should just stop trying for awhile though. Some alone time might be what I need more than anything. TNI is out of town for the next few days which (for his sake) is probably good. I'm feeling a little emotionally unstable this weekend and when I get like this, the people close to me that I care about are usually the ones who end up suffering the slings and arrows of my discontent. S-boy and I had discussed maybe getting together tomorrow, but I'm thinking that might not be such a good idea either. There's no need for him to be subjected to the collateral damage of my emotional turmoil either... ok, enough of this. I'm just tired. My head is fucking killing me. I'm going to call it a night... Everybody have a great weekend...

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -- Nietzsche

Acts Of Violence

Bless me, Father. It has been nearly a week since my last confession... er... I mean post.... I have some stuff I want to talk about, but I'm not sure exactly what I want to say yet, so I'm going to put my newest relationship rant on hold until I can straighten some of this crap out in my own head... In the meantime, here are some quick movie reviews I've not gotten around to putting up:

"A History of Violence" - Viggo Mortensen at his best. The rest of the cast is good (especially a very creepy Ed Harris), but this is Viggo's movie. It's violent (read the title, duh!) and not totally predictable. It's basically an indie film, with a slightly better budget than normal, and a slightly more high profile cast than your typical indie. If you like thrillers and mob films, you'll like this one. David Cronenberg always puts out "edgey" films and this one is no exception.

"Domino" - This film could have really sucked. But it didn't. I must say it was a pleasant surprise. Keira Knightly was a bad ass. This is a very different kinda film for her and she was great in it. I've taken to describing this movie an an indie action film. There's a lot of violence and mayhem but it's shot in this ultra-saturated, high contrast way that just works. Tony Scott is a good director and the cast works well for him. Aside from Knightly, Mickey Rourke rocks. The movie is both funny and action packed, but is not for the squeamish. It's seriously violent, which in my book is a good thing, but is probably not for everyone...

"Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang" - This is easily one of the best (and probably my favorite) movies of the year so far. It's a modern-day film noir. There's a little Raymond Chadler. A little Dashiel Hammet. A little Coppola. And a little Tarantino. This film is for anyone who loves LA like I do or for anyone who has even the smallest inkling as to how fucked up this town (and the entertainment business) really is. The plot is intricate and convoluted and often unpredictable. The dialogue is witty and well-written. This film has some of the best quotes ever. Robert Downey, Jr and Val Kilmer both give nominateable performances. It's a really fun movie. It has it's violent moments, but lots of time they at least have a sense of humor to go along with them. The film is in limited release in NYC and LA right now, but opens wide next week. Go see it. It's great. You'll love it. Trust me on this one...

Perry Van Shrike: You're an idiot. You know that. You know if you looked in the dictionary next to the word "idiot" you know what you'll find?
Harry Lockhart: A picture of me?
Perry Van Shrike: No! The definition of the word "idiot". Which you are.

-- Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr - "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang"

Froad Rage

I am a serial killer. On my way home from work last night I must have killed a thousand fucking froads (translation: frogs and toads. I couldn't tell which they really were.) It was unavoidable. They were everywhere. It was like live-action "Frogger." I felt bad, but what was I supposed to do? So aside from the mass frogicide, yesterday was way better than I thought it would be. It rained and rained and rained some more, but it was actually pretty relaxing. The fog rolling through the canyons was beautiful and amazing and we all know my thing for thunder and lightning. I didn't obssess over Colin or Adam or anything. That was good. I also decided to stop stressing over shit I can't control. Colin died. I miss him, but it wasn't my fault. I had no control over that. Adam doesn't trust me. Nothing I can do or say is going to change his mind. Being the control freak that I am, I want to be able to just snap my fingers and make everything better, even though I know I can't. I need to just keep reminding myself of that. For once, this was not my fault. I didn't do anything to fuck this up. Adam might tell a different story, but I can't (and won't) make myself crazy over this. He doesn't deserve me if he's not willing to trust me... Today was good. Kinda hectic, but good. I've got a project I'm working on with S-boy so I got to hang out with him a bit this afternoon. He really is a good guy and he's a lot of fun. He's also smart and ambitious and doesn't take shit from anybody. He knows what he wants and has a very definite plan on how to get where he wants to go. I admire him for that... Not sure what the rest of the week has in store for me. I really do want to start working on my script again. I've been off track for several weeks now. I plan to get at least a few scenes written on my western this weekend. The funk I went through last weekend should actually help. It will give me some emotional energy to feed upon and that always helps my writing... I still have some movie reviews to post, I'll try and get to those tomorrow...

"All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others." -- Cynthia Heimel

The Chalk Is Free

Not sure what to post, just figured I should put something up. It was a weird weekend. It wasn't bad, I've just been in this deep blue funk I can't seem to shake. It's not a surprise. I go through this every fucking year at this time, but I knew this year would be worse. Milestone anniversary and all that. I have got to learn how to stop holding onto the past. It's one of my tragic flaws. I just need to get through tomorrow and things will be better... So the weekend. Friday was good and bad. The whole Adam thing really upset me, but fuck him. I got to hang out with S-boy for a bit and then went and saw "Domino" with The Naked Indian. (I'll post a review of it later.) Saturday I worked and had a stupid fight with Adam on the phone on the way home from work which upset me even more. (Once again, let me say fuck him. I'm not putting myself through this shit over some guy anymore.) Then I went out with The Naked Indian to play some pool and get really drunk. It was what I needed to do. I just had to go out and have some fun and forget all the bullshit, even if it was just for a little while. I know I've mentioned this before, but I suck at pool. I love to play, but I am soooo bad at it. There's math involved you know. Guess I just need to practice more. Sunday turned out to be a lazy day. It was cloudy and a little cold and it took me till about mid-afternoon to shake the funk that had crept back into me, but tonight has been better. Just hanging out, watching some movies, nothing stressful or productive. Again though I think I needed a day like this. I'm so glad to have The Naked Indian in town right now. I know I haven't been too much fun lately, but he's been great. These last few days would have been so much worse without him. Tomorrow is going to suck. Hopefully work will be really busy and the day will just blow by and be over. So that was the weekend. I'll try and post something more entertaining later in the week...

"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." -- Audrey Hepburn - "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Blindsided

I have a rare weekday off today and yet I still find myself wide-awake at 7:30 in the fucking AM. Bad dreams and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Dammit. I should have stayed in bed though. Bad dreams seem to be better than reality right now. Based on the conversation that Adam and I had on Tuesday, I knew something was up there. I'm not a total idiot. Even when I'm suffering the semi-blindness brought on by a serious crush on someone, I can still see the warning signs when things start to go wrong... I just usually choose to ignore the signs. So, the e-mail I got from Adam this morning was not entirely unexpected. Doesn't make it any easier. I really fell hard for this guy, which I know was stupid, but like most train wrecks, you can't stop them even when you see them coming. I honestly don't know what went wrong this time though. I tried sooo hard to behave like an adult and not some lust-struck lunatic. I didn't rush things. I didn't just hop into bed with him, although in hindsight, maybe I should have. Dammit. A guy friend of mine told me once that I'm "the kind of girl that guys want to fuck, but not the kind of girl that guys want to date." I don't necessarily disagree with him on that, but I wanted things to be different this time. I tried being mild-mannered Angie, but looks like I wasn't mild-mannered enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't think I'd be as upset if the timing wasn't so bad. Monday marks the 10th anniversary of Colin's death and so I was bound to be a little melancholy as it was. The fact that it's 7:30 and all I really want to do is start drinking so I can obliterate all rational thought for the rest of the day is not a good thing. Why do I let guys get to me like this? I'm a good person. Call me selfish, but I think I deserve to find a guy who makes me happy and doesn't care that I'm a little neurotic and crazy. But I guess that's asking too much. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. It seems better than that whole drinking myself into oblivion thing...

No real quote today. I'm not motivated to go find one... How 'bout something Adam said to me instead. "Some people are like lightning. They're beautiful to look at, but you don't want to get to close to them." Well, on the bright side at least he said I was beautiful....

Bone-ing Leagues

I guess I'll continue my theme of talking about Hollywood's little eccentricities. A phrase I've picked up recently is the term "bone-ing league." Basically it's this fucked up hierarchy of who should be allowed to sleep with who in this town. Mostly you should be able to fuck someone in your "group" or in the groups just above or below yours. Mostly the teams are what you expect them to be. The rich and the beautiful fuck the rich and the beautiful. Then there are the rest of us. The not quite beautiful that for some reason aspire to move amongst the glitterati in the hopes that some of their shiny-ness will rub off or something. Women have it better. We can group hop a bit more freely since the guys outnumber us by like a 60/40 ratio. Even before moving here I had been pretty lucky. I've been "bone-ing out of my league" for years now. The last few guys I've been with have all been prettier than me, and that trend hasn't changed since I got to LA. The interesting thing here is that lots of times the line between the groups gets a bit blurred. Back in the ATL, tales of the "Celebrity-Boink" were rare and were often cause for radio morning show fodder. Here in SoCal it's much less of a rare occurrence. More often than they prolly should, celebrities choose to wander out into the Common Lands and once there, become fair game. Put enough liquor in someone and even the biggest celebs forget who they are... and who they sleep with. Out here it's not news unless some A-lister knocks up a barmaid or some WB pretty-boy gets caught by a papparazo while face-down in some WeHo gutter... I haven't slept with anyone new since moving out here, but that hasn't been for a lack of choices... You thought I was picky about the guys I've slept with in the past? The stakes have gone up considerably. I spend day after day interacting with the pretty people of this city and let me tell you it's kinda flattering to have good-looking men hit on me... If I'd acted on the invites, some of these guys (2 in particular) would have even gotten me on the radio back home if I was the kind to name names and fuck and tell. I'm not stupid, I know most of them are "out of my league" so to speak, and are just flirting because flirting is second nature to them, but I don't care. There's always more where they came from. Wanting to get involved with the pretty people in this way it stupid. I know that. I've never really been into the superficial thing, but out here on the fault line, it's hard not to get sucked into that Narcissician way of thinking. I should be looking for some nice guy that I have things in common with... and I am... but is it so terrible that now I want him to be pretty too? I'm a fairly intelligent, semi-attractive girl and I've decided to set my sights high. Maybe I'll get lucky and find what I'm looking for. Maybe I won't. But fuck it. If I don't, I won't be any worse off than I am now, and at the very least, maybe I'll get to bone some beautiful men in the process ;) HeHeHe...

"The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him." -- Helen Rowland

Cameo Appearances

Here's yet another weird thing I've discovered about living in Hollywood, especially with my current job. I've always over-identified with characters in certain TV shows. That has taken a certain bizarre new twist. Now I suddenly do know some of the people on these shows and so they've taken on this fucked up home-movie aspect in my brain. (Ok, so they're home movies with really big budgets, but that's really besides the point.) I've always hung out with actors and musicians and athletes and so you'd think I'd be used to watching these guys do their thing, and to some extent I am, but there's still a certain weirdness to it. A good friend of mine was on last night's episode of "Las Vegas." He did a good job, but I can't begin to tell you how strange it was. The character wasn't much of a stretch for him. He basically played an exaggerated version of himself, which I found terribly amusing, but you know in those movies like "Forrest Gump" where they impose actual footage of dead celebrities into the movie? It works if it's well done but you still notice that something is not quite right? Its sorta like that... It's been a weird week and it's only Tuesday... I got an e-mail from The Devil. (For those of you unfamiliar with my demon-lover of an ex, just check out some of my posts from last December.) I hadn't heard from him in almost a year and the e-mail was totally innocuous, but it still kinda freaked me out. You'd think I'd be past this at this point. He shouldn't still be able to manipulate me like this, but apparently he can... I was also annoyed with S-boy this weekend, but decided I was annoyed for a stupid reason so just got over it. I talked to him for a bit today and I was right, my annoyance was stupid... So now I'm annoyed with Adam... ok, not really annoyed. More frustrated. Just once I would like to fall for a guy who likes me for who I am... not that Adam doesn't. It's just that he thinks he's too conservative for me. That I'll get bored with him. WTF? Isn't that my decision to make? If he thinks I'm too aggressive (which he said some stuff that implies that he does) or if he doesn't want to go out with me (which he said is not the case), then he needs to just fucking tell me that. He did say he's not sure what he wants. Grrr... Argh... So what did I do? Well, I decided to just lay things on the line and tell him how I feel. Probably a stupid thing to do. I know, but fuck it. I did it anyway. I told him I like him. Like him a lot. I want to go out with him. I know what I want and when he figures out what he wants he should give me a call. That's how we left things. Did I mention Grrr? and Argh? I give up. If he comes around he comes around. I'm not going to drive myself crazy over this shit anymore... God bless The Naked Indian though. He's helping to keep me sane these days. He's pretty much the only guy in my life not trying (intentionally or not) to piss me off this week...

"Real love is more than a physical feeling. If there's even the slightest doubt in your head about a guy, then forget about it. It's not real." - Ethan Embry

Red Dragons

There are a couple of food-related things that seem to be requirements if you live in the state of California. Most of them involve avocados. It's like against the law or something to not like avocados, or at the very least you have to be able to consume them in guacamole form. I've tried. I still can't do the avocado thing. The other required edible is sushi. I'm not a big fan of fish when it's cooked. Why the fuck would I ever consider eating it raw?!?! Well, since I've been out here, I've been to three sushi restaurants. The first time I avoided eating anything too scary. The second time I went with HWMNBN and my brain was really not on eating, but I still ventured out and tried some California rolls (minus the avocados) and some sort of scallop something. Tonight I went out with another friend of mine and was feeling overly adventurous so I ordered these spicy tuna rolls. Shock of all shocks they were pretty fucking good. I also ate some of the salmon rolls my friend ordered. I have to admit I liked those too. What the fuck? I suddenly like sushi? The world must be spinning off it's axis. I did try an avocado again too. Still no go. Guess I'm just not that adventurous yet...

"You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth and you're going to eat that?" -- Judd Nelson -- "The Breakfast Club"

You Can't Stop The Signal

I know everyone has been wondering why in the hell I haven't post my "Serenity" review yet. Would you believe it's because I didn't see it opening weekend? (Wow. The sound of everyone in the Blogverse suddenly fainting is really fucking loud... in my head anyway.) So yeah, I didn't get a chance to see "Serenity" last weekend, but I headed over to The Grove with a friend of mine yesterday to check it out. There are sooooo many things I want to say about this film that I really can't without spoiling it. I will say, I LOVED IT. I LOVED IT. I LOVED IT. It may very well be my favorite film of the year so far. I was a die-hard "Buffy" fan. I loved "Angel" even more. That being said, "Firefly" was Joss Whedon's best show. Joss is an amazing writer. He writes some of the best, quippy dialogue out there. You can't help but love the characters he creates. The repartee between Mal and Jayne is classic and Wash once again steals every scene he's in. You don't have to be a fan of the TV show to go see this film. It helps, but it's not a requirement. In many ways this movie reminds me of the original "Star Wars" film. Nathan Fillion channels Han Solo in several scenes. It's a great story. It's funny and heart-wrenching. It's action-packed and quietly dramatic. This is the movie I had hoped it would be. Joss did not disappoint. He made this film for the fans and we all love him for it. I can't imagine anyone who loved the show disliking the movie. Is this the end for the crew of Serenity or will they fly again? Joss definitely left things open for a sequel, but if that never happens, that's ok. If this film is the end, then it's a great ending... but it could also lead to fantastic new beginnings... Here's hoping we have many more adventures with Mal and his crew of miscreants...

"Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: This is gonna get pretty interesting.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Define "interesting".
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Oh, God, oh, God, we're all gonna die?"

Nathan Fillion and Andy Tudyk-- "Serenity"

SEATEC ASTRONOMY

It's time for a list. I haven't done one in like forever. Since I seem to have relationship crap on the brain a lot lately, I figured I'd post a list of "pointers" to any any fool out there that might have the stupid idea that he might actually want to go out with me...

13) I’m not a big fan of roses – if you absolutely have to get me roses, then they should be a blood red so dark they are almost black. Blue and crème-colored ones are ok, too. My favorites are red sunflowers and black tulips though. Orchids or purple irises are always a nice choice…

12) My dog and my horse come first – Callie will take up a lot of my free time once I get her out here and if Roland doesn’t like you, well… let’s just say I value my dog’s opinion of people pretty highly...

11) You better not have a problem with tattoos – I have 6 now and plan to have more in the future...

10) I’m a dork – I read comic books, play EverQuest, am overly invested in way too many TV shows, and see a lot of movies.... (You get bonus points if you know what movie the title of this post comes from.)

9) A lot of my friends are guys – Deal with it. I’m going to spend time with them. If you are prone to irrational jealousy, I’m going to make you crazy…

8) When it comes to vodka, I’m a Grey Goose girl all the way…

7) Valentine’s Day is stupid – Seriously. It’s like the dumbest holiday ever. (Read my post from 02.03.05 if you want to know more about my take on that.)

6) I’m a caffeine addict. If you want to make me happy, fuck flowers. Bring me coffee and dark chocolate...

5) If you call me and I don’t answer, leave me a voice-mail – One of my biggest pet peeves is people calling me and not leaving messages. I have caller id. I know you called. So leave a fucking message. Even if it’s just to say “Hi. Call me back when you get this.” or “Nothing important. Just thinking about you and wanted to say Hi.” How hard is that?

4) Don’t lie to me – I sometimes may not like the truth or really want to hear the truth, but tell it to me anyway. It will work out so much better for everyone in the long run… I don’t like secrets... Some of my past relationships have had way too many of them... Seatec astronomy...

3) I’m neurotic and a little crazy – it’s part of my charm :)

2) Be prepared to be blog fodder – I talk about my life here. I sometimes change the names to protect the innocent, but everything is fair game. Don’t take it personally and unless you REALLY piss me off, I promise to be gentle ;)

1) Surprise me – I like people who can keep me guessing. It keeps things from getting boring… and I hate boring. I like impulsive and spontaneous...

Well, now that I have successfully scared off any potential suitors, my job here is done... Hehehe... I'm really not as high-maintenance as I probably sound and I'm one of the more forgiving people you will ever meet. It's amazing the things I will overlook in the name of love. That probably makes me stupid (and God knows it's gotten me hurt more than a few times and surely will again), but I can't help it. It's just part of who I am... So, on that note, it's time to call it a night. Hope everyone is having a great week so far!

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." -- e.e. cummings

Crash and Burn

The insomnia I have been battling all week finally came to a screeching halt at about 8:15 tonight when all of a sudden a wave of sleepiness hit me like a fucking freight train. Not one to question my good fortune, I turned off the TV, shut off my lights, and climbed into bed. I slipped into beautiful, peaceful sleep... which was abruptly interrupted at 10:21 when my phone started ringing. (My own stupid fault for not shutting it off.) It was a friend of mine having a little breakdown. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I always seem to end up as Therapy-girl. I guess people figure that as fucked up as my life gets sometimes, I must know what the hell to do when their life comes crashing down around them. Let me clear that little urban legend up right now. I don't. I really, REALLY don't. I'm a helluv a good listener, but most of the time I suck at giving advice... especially when it comes to relationships. So of course my friend's little drama this evening was relationship related... but fortunately for him it was territory I could cover. He was having a problem with his psycho ex and lemme tell you, I'm an expert in dealing with psycho ex's... So we talked and he seemed much less freaked out by the time I got off the phone with him, which is good... Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being there for my friends when they need me. (Although I'm constantly mystified as to why people would put their faith and trust in an unstable freak like me.) But of course now I'm wide, fucking awake. Grrr... Argh... Tonight the timing was just bad. I've had a pounding migraine for most of the day. It's partially hormonal, and partially the result of my recent lack of sleep. I have a Vicodin in my medicine cabinet just screaming my name right now, but I don't want to have to resort to that... I should have told him that the price for his impromptu little therapy session was that he had to come over here and pull my hair... Yes, I definitely should have told him that... That would be a beautiful thing right now... Maybe I should call him back...

"How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads; to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams." --Bram Stoker