Blindsided

I have a rare weekday off today and yet I still find myself wide-awake at 7:30 in the fucking AM. Bad dreams and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Dammit. I should have stayed in bed though. Bad dreams seem to be better than reality right now. Based on the conversation that Adam and I had on Tuesday, I knew something was up there. I'm not a total idiot. Even when I'm suffering the semi-blindness brought on by a serious crush on someone, I can still see the warning signs when things start to go wrong... I just usually choose to ignore the signs. So, the e-mail I got from Adam this morning was not entirely unexpected. Doesn't make it any easier. I really fell hard for this guy, which I know was stupid, but like most train wrecks, you can't stop them even when you see them coming. I honestly don't know what went wrong this time though. I tried sooo hard to behave like an adult and not some lust-struck lunatic. I didn't rush things. I didn't just hop into bed with him, although in hindsight, maybe I should have. Dammit. A guy friend of mine told me once that I'm "the kind of girl that guys want to fuck, but not the kind of girl that guys want to date." I don't necessarily disagree with him on that, but I wanted things to be different this time. I tried being mild-mannered Angie, but looks like I wasn't mild-mannered enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't think I'd be as upset if the timing wasn't so bad. Monday marks the 10th anniversary of Colin's death and so I was bound to be a little melancholy as it was. The fact that it's 7:30 and all I really want to do is start drinking so I can obliterate all rational thought for the rest of the day is not a good thing. Why do I let guys get to me like this? I'm a good person. Call me selfish, but I think I deserve to find a guy who makes me happy and doesn't care that I'm a little neurotic and crazy. But I guess that's asking too much. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. It seems better than that whole drinking myself into oblivion thing...

No real quote today. I'm not motivated to go find one... How 'bout something Adam said to me instead. "Some people are like lightning. They're beautiful to look at, but you don't want to get to close to them." Well, on the bright side at least he said I was beautiful....