Hellbound

This week had been going along just peachily until about 6:00 tonight. Then all of a sudden the assholes came out to play. I had 3 guys in a row who wanted to rant about stupid shit. They quickly turned my happy, sunny attitude into a dark and stormy one. Grrr. Arg. So by the time I left work I was in a really pissy mood... but then I ran into Frodo at the gas station. We admired each other's vehicles and discussed a band that we both like and he helped to turn my mood back around. He was really nice and super cute in person. Those blue eyes of his are something else... and speaking of baby blues, to cap off the day, S-boy called me just as I was about to get on the 101 to see if I wanted to go grab a bite to eat. Not one to turn down a free meal and a chance to spend a couple of hours with one of the sexiest men I know, I said, "sure." We decided on Mexican and a few margaritas later found ourselves immersed in a fairly serious conversation about past relationships. (Tequila = bad). That was how I found myself telling him about some of the drama I'd been through with The Devil and then mentioning that The Devil was going to be in town this weekend and that I was actually considering at least going to see him. Well, according to S-boy that is absolutely "not a fucking option." He basically forbid me to go. Apparently he doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does. I don't like to be told what to do. In fact, I often do the exact opposite just to prove that I can't be told what to do. Still, to appease him, I told S-boy I would think about not going. Honestly though, I don't know what I'm going to do in this case. I had pretty much talked myself out of going to see The Devil, but I don't know. I mean, I KNOW I shouldn't, but the temptation is still there. I'm bored and I'm horny and I'm kinda in the mood to be bad... and time spent with The Devil is always bad... but often times in very good ways... Things could go either way here. Maybe I'll just flip a coin on Friday and see where it sends me... Then I can blame anything that happens on Ka... Don't get me wrong. I love that S-boy is looking out for me. I know he's a good guy and he's very rational and normal and he's trying to keep me from being psychotic and stupid. (And he really has no clue how truly psychotic and stupid I have the potential to be.) I've just never been very good at taking other people's advice, especially when it comes to The Devil. I have a blind spot for him that gets me into all kinds of trouble... This should have been (and was) over a year ago... Dammit... I shouldn't be at this crossroads again... And yet, here I am... thinking very bad things... about a very bad guy... Grrr. Arg... I need to check in with my Guildies on EQ. Maybe we have a raid planned or something. That could swing my decision to stay home. I know it's a stupid reason, but maybe a stupid reason is exactly what I need here... since nothing else (like rationality) seems to be working :P Pardon me while I bang my head against the wall... So I forgot to include my happy thing in my last post. So today I'll put in two. Thing # 1: 'Nilla wafers. They rock. Thing #2: Free movie passes. I'm going to see "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe" next week... of course, that's assuming I survive the weekend...

"When you dance with the Devil, the Devil don't change. The Devil changes you." -- Joaquin Phoenix - "8mm"

Ho-Fucking-Ho

My sister and I have a long-standing tradition in which we venture out to the movie theatre on Thanksgiving night to take in a flick. We've been really hit-or-miss with our choices over the years. This time the plan was originally to go see "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." I was kinda looking forward to seeing that one again, but the plans changed and we elected to go see "The Ice Harvest" instead. Bad decision. On paper this should have been a good movie. John Cusack. Billy Bob Thorton. Connie Nielsen. Oliver Platt. Directed by Harold Ramis. The potential was there for an intriguing black comedy, but this movie did not live up to its expectations. John Cusack did a fair enough job with his part, but this was not one of his better roles. Connie Nielsen tried too hard to play her role as an old-style Femme Fatale and came up short. Billy Bob's performance was just plain bad. There were a few funny moments, but overall the script was weak and disjointed. The violence was senseless. Oliver Platt was the only bright spot in an otherwise dismal film. He was hysterical, but the 20 minutes he spent on screen could not save this movie. I'm so disappointed in Harold Ramis. He's a good director. He has no business turning out a movie like this one...

"There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere." -- Jane Austen

Random Act Of Kindness

There are days I love being me and I love that I have the people I have in my life. Monday was one of those days. A friend of mine whispered in the right ears and helped to land me a really nifty photo gig. More info to follow once I get the details ironed out, but it looks like a done deal at this point. Woo Hoo! This shoot is going to fucking rock! I will now do the Snoopy dance of joy :) Happy thing for today is people who unexpectedly do nice things for the people they care about...

"You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Dark Lord Returns

So despite starting out badly, Sunday turned out to be a pretty good day. By the light of day my dream (while still disturbing on so many levels) seemed much more irrational. It's amazing what those night terrors will do to you when they get a hold of you. Brunch with S-boy went well. He really is a good guy. I know he's just looking out for me and trying to protect me. It's all very chivalrous of him. In this case we just sorta agreed to disagree and left it at that... After brunch was "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire." Great film. Absolutely a great film. I figured there was no way I'd like it better than the last film. "Azkaban" remains my favorite book so far, but I have to say that while I loved the 3rd film, "Goblet of Fire" was even better. It's also much, much darker. The PG-13 rating is well deserved and for a "kid's movie" it was really long. It clocked in at a solid 2 1/2 hours and the kids in the audience barely moved the whole time. They were totally enthralled. The movie stayed true to its source material. There were some minor changes and a few things left out, but otherwise it really followed the book. I have to say that I'm impressed with the way the producers are handling this franchise. Chris Columbus did a great job with the first 2 films, but they were right in replacing him after that. Nothing against Chris, I think he's a good director, but as the stories got darker, he was no longer the right man for the job. It will be interesting to see if Mike Newell gets the job for "Order of the Phoenix." I hope he does. I think he really proved he knows the way these films are supposed to look and feel... So after the movie I came home and got on EQ. I put together a really rockin' group and we did some major damage in Chazic-Thule. I dinged 39 and 40 and am almost halfway to 41. That's pretty impressive for an afternoon. I picked up some decent loot too... So yeah, Sunday turned out much better than I thought it would... Let's hope it's the start of a trend for the rest of the week... My happy thing for today is blue corn muffins. They are yummy...

"Oh well. What's life without a few dragons?" -- Rupert Grint - "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"

Chemical Imbalance

So one thing I forgot to mention about Saturday was that I somehow, magically found myself in possession of a small amount of something called White Widow. I won’t say how I came by it, or even what it is. If you know, you know. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just say that by the time I went to bed last night I had a lot of different things fucking with my head. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, etc, etc, etc. The end result was the most fucked up and upsetting dream that I’ve had in a very long time. My subconscious decided to lash out at me and it picked the most disturbing messenger it could come up with. Without going into the gory details, here’s the gist. I was having sex with this really hot guy and we were having a great time (or so I thought), when all of a sudden he just stops. He gets out of bed and when I ask him where he’s going he says he can’t have sex with me anymore. When I ask why not he manages to hit pretty much every neurotic insecurity that I have. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not good enough for anyone of the “pretty people” set and I should just learn to accept that. I’m uncreative and basically lousy in bed. I’m neurotic and crazy and I’m right when I say I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because there is no way I would keep a guy interested in me long enough to actually have a relationship with him. I’m too aggressive and I need to learn to just do what I’m told and not to be so argumentative. He also attacked my writing skills and told me that I would never be anything other than a dreamer who never attains her dreams. I’m a disappointment to everyone close to me and eventually I’m going to alienate even the few close friends that I have. Ouch. I know it’s just me projecting. I’ve had all these thoughts about myself at one time or another. It’s just a really upsetting list when it all gets thrown at you at once, you know? Especially when the person saying it is someone you care a lot about. If it had been The Devil telling me these things, it would have been easier to take and it would have made perfect sense for him to have been my subconscious deliverer of such unhappy tidings. Such was not the case. So yeah, today didn’t start out so great. I woke up and was very, very upset. Dammit. I definitely need to go see “Goblet of Fire” now. I just need to escape into the Hogwarts world for a few hours. “Walk the Line” is prolly out for today though. Just a bit too heavy I think. Hopefully brunch with S-boy will go well and prove to be undramatic. No drama for me today. Please and Thankee-Sai… Happy thing for today… ummm… I finally finished “Wolves of the Calla.” It was great. I love all the little homages that Stephen threw in just for the geeks like me in his fan base. Star Wars. Harry Potter. The Fantastic Four... SK is the best. I love that he knows his audience so well…

“I had to nurture those doubts as if they were tiny, sickly kittens, until eventually they became sturdy, healthy grievances, with their own cat doors, which allowed them to wander in and out of our conversation at will.” – Nick Hornby – “High Fidelity”

'Lil Slugger

Dunno how many "Paranoia Agent" fans we have out there, but for those of you who are, you'll get the reference... So most mornings while walking from my parking deck off Sunset to the shop, I pass this kid (I say kid, but he's prolly in his early 20s) who is always on rollerblades. I guess he skates to work or something. He's kinda cute and he always smiles at me, but yesterday he kinda freaked me out. He was dressed just like the kid in "Paranoia Agent." Right down to the shorts and red baseball cap and gold rollerblades. It was creepy. I won't be able to look at this guy the same way ever again. Or maybe he's a figment of my imagination that has taken corporeal form and I've conjured him up to help me repress something. Can't say that's a comforting thought. Oh well. If the city of LA is suddenly consumed by an oily black ooze at least you'll all know why. (Watch the show. It's fucked up, but it's good and this will all make soooo much more sense to you :) Today was sorta a weird day. I woke up really, really missing TNI. I can't believe he's already been gone for 3 weeks and is not gonna be around for 5 more. That seems like forever... I got my laundry done, but aside from that, nothing really went as planned. S-boy and I were going to do lunch and then go see the new Harry Potter movie. We only got the lunch thing done though because we had this really, really boneheaded argument. He went home and I was going to go to the movie alone, but ended up missing my showtime and the next show was sold out. Grrr. Arg. So I came home and was going to play some EQ to vent my frustration. Everything started out just peachy. I got into a good group and we laid waste to Runnyeye. I played for about 2 hours and then suddenly the server kicked me off. Ok fine. It happens. So I logged back in, picked up my group, and was promptly kicked off again. It happened 3 times and I was pissed and my group was annoyed so I finally quit trying. Turns out the reason I couldn't keep a connection was because S-boy kept trying to call me to apologize. Great. I'm glad he apologized (ok, so it wasn't really an apology per se, but he did want to say he was sorry he upset me, even though he hadn't changed his mind in regards to what we had argued about), but we got things worked out... and it fucked up my EQ karma for the day. When I logged back in later I couldn't find a decent group and was not in the mood to fight solo so I called it a night. On the bright side, at least "Samurai Champloo" is on now. I'm going to watch that and then go read the last 50 pages of "Wolves of the Calla." Tomorrow I'm doing brunch with S-boy and then going to see Harry Potter. I want to see "Walk the Line" too, but don't know that I'll be in a double feature kinda mood. Guess we'll see how the day goes. At least next week will be short. I love Thanksgiving. I look forward to my trip to Missouri all year. I'm more psyched about Thanksgiving than I am about Christmas. I really kinda wish I was staying here in LA for Christmas rather than going back to Atlanta. Is that wrong? It's not that I don't want to see the fam, and I'm sure we'll all have a great time, I just am not that excited about the trip for some reason. Oh well. That's a blog for another day (and prolly a therapy session waiting to happen). I dunno what I'd do if I stayed here anyway. S-boy and TNI will both be outta town and I'm sure HWMNBN will be going home too. Not that that should matter since I'm not supposed to be fraternizing with him these days. Dammit. I really miss him sometimes. Which is stupid. I should prolly hate him. I know this. I just can't bring myself to do it. Is this fucked up loyalty to some of the people in my life a good trait or my fatal flaw? I guess it's like the Tootsie-Pop question, and the world may never know... Well, enough ruminating for one evening I guess... My happy thing for today is my dog. Roland is so cute when he dreams. He runs in place and even barks sometimes. It makes me smile. I hope he catches whatever it is he's chasing...

"I think that all of us are born with a hole in out hearts, and we go around looking for the person who can fill it." -- Stephen King -- "The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla"

The Blink Of An Eye

I know it's cliche' but it's true; that's how quickly your life can change. I see that now. I also get the whole life flashing before your eyes thing... I guess I should back up a bit. Today started out as a pretty good day. It's my favorite Indian's birthday and I talked to him for a bit this morning which always brightens my day. The weather is beautiful and totally unbelievable out here. There's no way it's November. On top of that, my beloved Santa Ana winds are back with a vengeance and there's a full moon. So I'm horny as hell, but that's ok. I can live with that... Work was dead (as expected), but I still got a lot done. I got a pleasant surprise mid-afternoon when S-boy called and said he was back in town for an audition. Woo Hoo! We're going to try and get together tomorrow. Yay! On my way home from work the day took a scary turn. I was standing on the corner of Highland and Sunset. Then some idiot in a pickup truck ran the red light. He plowed into the side of a BMW that was going through the intersection and said BMW then encountered the telephone pole that I was standing next to. I barely had time to react. Had the telephone pole not been there I have no doubt that I would not be sitting here writing this blog post. So yeah, interesting day... I'm still all about the fuzzy puppies though. Probably even more so now. My happy things for today are Orville Redenbacher Kettle Corn and Virgil's Cream Soda. They make the perfect dinner for a girl who still seems to be a little bit in shock... I guess almost getting squashed by a car will do that to 'ya... Oh! And one more disturbing thing. What the fuck were the Ducks thinking?!? Who the hell trades Sergei Fedorov for Tyler Wright?!? Nothing against Tyler, but WTF?!? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid...

"No single experience is a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - so-called "trauma" - but we make out of them just what suits our purposes." -- Alfred Adler

Fuzzy Puppies

I got up this morning and decided that I'm really sick and fucking tired of being unhappy so I'm not going to be. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do that, but I've always been pretty good at ignoring problems until they go away (or at least until they come to a head and I'm forced to confront them), so that's what I'll do here. I'm just going to choose to ignore these unhappy thoughts until they disappear. When I feel 'da funk a comin' on, I'll just think of fuzzy puppies or something. I'm pretty sure that fuzzy puppies trump the blues in most cases. Worth a shot anyway... I'm also going to start including one thing that makes me happy in every blog post... Besides, Thanksgiving is coming and Christmas after that and for once these holidays will be about what they're supposed to be about; being with family and friends and just enjoying the people I love. I seriously am not buying gifts for anyone this year. It's partially because I'm borderline broke right now and partially because I refuse to get caught up in the stupid materialism that seems to get a stranglehold on everyone this time of year. If I had some sort of "crafty" bone in my body I would make things for everyone, but my creative talents don't lie along those lines. So cards and my love and affection are it from this girl. The more I think about it, the more I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. I really miss my sister. Both of us have crazy lives these days and we hardly even get a chance to talk anymore, so even though it's going to be a short trip, at least we'll actually get to spend some time together... On a totally unrelated note, can someone please make Cartoon Network stick to a lineup on Saturday nights? They are really confusing my poor DVR. I just want to record "Inuyasha" and "Samurai Champloo." Is that too much to ask? Seems to be these days... Work was dead, dead, dead today. I suspect it will be for the rest of the year. This town pretty much shuts down for the holidays... Let's see, what other random crap can I babble about tonight? I had a damn good week on EQ. I dinged 38 with Apriori tonight. Woo Hoo! If I keep getting into good groups I should be able to get to 40 this week. Yes, I'm a dork. We all know this... For the rest of you geeks out there, go check out Brian Azarello's new comic. It's called "Loveless." It's a western and it's pretty damn good... Ok, that's enough for tonight. I need to get some sleep. It will be hard to maintain my new fuzzy puppy outlook on life if I'm all grumpy from sleep deprivation... My happy thing for today's post is the Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials. They amuse the hell out of me...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad."

-- Rodgers & Hammerstein - "The Sound of Music"

Careful What You Wish For

Well, I said I was going to fly solo for awhile and it looks like I got my wish. This really wasn't what I had in mind though. I meant I didn't want to date anyone for awhile. What I got is all of my boys not being around at all :( TNI and S-boy are both out of town for at least the next few weeks and HWMNBN and I are officially "on a break" and therefore not hanging out. It sucks and I'm actually kinda angry with myself for how I feel right now. Since when do I need other people (especially guys) in my life? I've always liked being alone. With the exception of a very select people over the years I actually prefer being alone. Now all of a sudden I find myself very, very lonely and that pisses me off to no end. I'm stronger than this. I have no explanation for this stupid fucking funk that I'm in. I've been like this for awhile now. I was like this before TNI came out here and was like this to some extent even while he was here, but the last couple of weeks have been even worse. Grrrr. Arg. I need to be medicated or something. Things are actually pretty good in my life these days. I love my job. I love being in LA. Even though they aren't around physically right now, I love the men in my life and it's not like they won't be back at some point in the forseeable future. Aside from not having "that guy" in my life right now (and let's face it, I haven't had anything resembling a normal boyfriend-girlfriend kinda relationship in for-fucking-ever, so that's nothing new), my life is pretty peachy. So why the funk? No, really. I need someone to tell me because I can't explain it. I'm totally over-reacting to the state of aloneness I find myself in. Maybe I'm just homesick. I haven't seen my family in going on 6 months now. If that's the case, then Thanksgiving should help. The whole clan is going to be there and we should have a great time. Ok, enough whining for one afternoon. I hate when people do that whole "woe is me" thing, especially those people who have no good reason for doing it. Like me for instance. I'm going to go play some more EQ. I joined a new guild with Ap and they so far seem like a really fun group. Well, at least my virtual alter ego has people to hang out with these days ;) I miss you all! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." -- Orson Welles

A Geographically Challenged Nymphomaniac

Not sure what to post today, but since I'm not doing anything else, I figured the least I could do is write a blog post... I had grand plans to go see "Jarhead" and "Chicken Little" this afternoon, which I'm sure would have made for a particularly schizophrenic day at the movies, but the showtimes came and went and I wasn't motivated to leave the house... It's a beautiful day here in SoCal and I did spend some time outside playing with Roland this morning. He's been kinda blue lately but going for "walkies" always seems to cheer him up. Ahh the simple life of a dog... With the weather like it is here, it's hard to believe Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away. I guess that's what I get for moving to a locale that doesn't really have any discernible seasons. That's a price I'm definitely ok with paying... Not much on the agenda for the weekend. I had plans for tonight but they kinda fell through so I think I'm just going to hang out here. Maybe play some EQ. I haven't played much recently, but am sorta getting back into it now. Guess I just needed a questing break... I promised Roland we'd go do something tomorrow. If S-boy is back in town I'll prolly give him a call and see if he wants to go to Dog Beach or go hiking or something. Anything to get out of the house for a few hours... I do have an annoying headache today too. It's not really that bad, it's just sorta there. Lurking. Trying to decide if it wants to get worse. My general lack of activity this afternoon, and the fact that I probably should have had something more substantial for breakfast than a bowl of Fruit Loops, might have something to do with it as well... I'm still not used to the time change out here. Out here on the left coast it gets dark so fucking early this time of year. Here it is, barely 3:30, and twilight is already setting in. It'll be dark by 5:00. Great for all my vampire friends, but the days sure seem short for the rest of us... I had an e-mail from The Devil this morning. He just doesn't know when to quit. He's going to be in town in a few weeks and seems to think that we're going to hook up while he's here. Not bloody likely. Grrrr. Why are men so stupid? In this one's case, it's probably because my track record speaks for itself. He and I have been "on-again-off-again" so many times over the last decade that it's become almost comical... in a scary, creepy sorta way. I admit, there are times when I do miss him... well, not really him so much as sex with him. That was the one thing we were always good at together. It was like the best drug you ever could imagine and I was soooo addicted to it for longer than I care to admit. Damn but we had some crazy nights... and I have the scars to show for it. Unfortunately that's a road I just can't journey down again. That bridge washed out a long time ago and then I burned the remains of it and threw out the map of how to get there just for good measure. This is the one person that I have ever been truly afraid of, and I don't care how great that fear made the sex, I just can't chance letting him back into my life even for a night. Ya know? The fact that I even considered it for the barest fraction of a split second shows just how dangerous his hold over me was, and to some extent still is. Ah the joys of having an addictive personality... This is why I should never be bored and left to my own devices. My brain wanders off into the deep woods, and with my remarkably bad sense of direction, you just know it's going to get lost and find its way into to an amazing amount of trouble trying to find it's way back out... Wow, this post ended up quite a bit longer than I would have anticipated seeing as how I had no fucking idea what I was going to write about when I started.... To quote Jack Sparrow, "Interesting... very interesting..."

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours." -- Kate Winslet - "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

Going Todash

Don't worry if you don't understand the title of this post. It's an inside joke amongst us gunslingers out here. It also explains my day. I got locked into this very realistic dream in the small hours of this morning and I couldn't get out of it. I even slept right through my alarm which hasn't happened in like eons. And today was a bad morning for me to sleep late. The rain rolled in over night which meant chaos and general mayhem on the freeways. So I was behind the eight ball from the time I got up and I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I'm trying to be less frivilous with what I spend money on these days so rather than stopping to get coffee on the way to work I figured I'd bring coffee beans and make my own when I got to the shop. Great idea in theory... except that I forgot to bring anything to put in the coffee. You know, sugar, creme, chocolate, etc. It's not like I can drink straight black coffee. Ick. You know how pregnant women aren't supposed to have caffeine? Well, I've determined that I can't not have caffeine and be expected to function. My whole world just seems to slip out of focus and into this fucked up un-reality. By mid-afternoon I had a pounding headache and since it was pouring down rain outside I really wasn't motivated to go to the store down the street to get a Frappucino. I finally convinced one of my reps that she really, really wanted to go and since she was going would she mind getting me something too? It was the best Frappucino ever and everything improved after I got my caffeine fix. It was still a long, dreary, wet day here in LA which makes me kinda melancholy. TNI and S-Boy are both outta town and days like this make me miss them more that I should. For a loner, I'm not very good at being alone lately. I need to work on that I guess. Damn rain seems to make me introspective too, doesn't it? Well, the rain should be gone soon. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend.

"Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! I must have coffee..." -- Johann Sebastian Bach

P.S. - I just finished watching this week's ep of "Lost" and all I can say is, "holy shit!" This is such a good fucking show... not a happy show, but a great show nonetheless. It definitely keeps you guessing...

Fuck A Duck?

... or at least an ex one... That was my most recent personal dilemma. Touch decision, eh? Despite my recent propensity for finding myself involved with actors, it seems I still harbor some deep-rooted affinity for hockey players. It's been lying there, lurking, waiting for an excuse to come out and play. Friday night it got it's chance. It was a weird thing. Friday was cruising along like a perfectly normal day. Work was slow and I was bored out of my fucking mind, but aside from that, everything was copacetic. Then a friend of mine (one I really should not be going out with, even in a "just friends" capacity) called and asked if I wanted to go to the Ducks/Sharks game at the Pond. Normally I would have said, "no," but I've been itching to go to a hockey game and wasn't about to turn down tickets on the glass, so I went. It was actually a pretty boring game. The Sharks won 1-0 in OT. No scoring for 3 long periods and no real good penalties either, but I did get to see Selanne play and hockey is hockey, so we'll call that the upside. After the game we found ourselves hanging out downstairs waiting on a couple of players. (Did I mention that my friend knows like half the team?) So yeah, there we are waiting and who should walk by but this ex-Duck that I know from way back. I was surprised to see him 'cause last I heard his rights belonged to an East Coast team and he should have been several thousand miles away from LA, but apparently he decided not to report to his new team. (He's willing to turn down a couple hundred thou a year simply because he doesn't want to play back east again. Ok, so he's not the brightest guy I know. ) I've known this guy for over a decade and have had a serious thing for him as long as I've known him. Let's give him the "bloggiker" of Big Jim. He did a double-take when he saw me. It was great. Then he gave me a huge hug and totally freaked my other friend out. (Big Jim is a big guy, so he can be a bit a intimidating to those who don't know him.) So anyway, we chatted and caught up and the next thing I knew I was headed to a strip club called Taboo with Big Jim, my other friend (ah, fuck it, it was HWMNBN), and 1/2-a-dozen hockey players. (If anyone saw "Smallville" this past week, you'll understand how bizarrely my life can mirror fiction sometimes.) Why is it that when I hang out with the hockey set I always seem to end up at strip clubs? Still, it was fun. I definitely drank more than I should have and it was a situation that HWMNBN should not have been in and if I was a good friend I would have talked him into not going, but I wanted to spend some time with Big Jim so I didn't. So shoot me. I'm a selfish bitch. The night could have taken an ugly turn, but it didn't. There was no drama. Just good fun had by all. Did I fuck Big Jim or did I leave with HWMNBN? I'm not going to say. It's really no one's business but mine. Regardless of how the night ended, who I did or didn't sleep with, it was an interesting evening. Contrary to how I sometimes come across on this blog, I'm not quite as confident as I might seem. I have the same self-esteem issues as most of the other women out there. I've been feeling very undesirable lately (and the fact that HWMNBN called me this afternoon to tell me that he thinks we shouldn't even be friends anymore certainly didn't improve my opinion of myself), but it was kinda nice to have a bevy of really good-looking, athletic men fawning all over me, even if it was just for a night and was mostly alcohol-induced. Sometimes bad attention is better than no attention at all... or at least that's what I've told myself over and over and over again in the past and does a lot to explain the fucked up relationships I always seem to find myself in... My little Friday night adventure doesn't change my recent decision to fly solo for awhile. If anything it solidified it. I don't see some sexy white knight riding up on his horse and us riding off into the sunset any time soon. As much as I would like to have that guy in my life, I just don't think he's out there for me right now. If I think about it too hard that would probably depress me, so I guess I just won't think about it. That'll make the problem go away, won't it?

"Beware white knights, people. They don't slay dragons. They train them to suit their own dark purposes." -- James Marsters -- "Smallville"