Out Of Touch

I have been without phone service since Friday, which has been something of a mixed blessing. For one thing, it kept me from putting up the extremely maudlin post that I wrote on Friday night. It was much too forthright and soul-bearing for public consumption, that’s for damn sure… So here’s the re-cap of my last few days… As expected, the weird lights over LA on Thursday night had an explanation. Turns out the Army launched a rocket from their base near Santa Barbara. It was a 4-stage kinda thing or something and the stages separated about the time they were over LA. (There are pics up on blogging LA.) So, mystery solved. Sadly, there were no aliens or anything cool like that involved... That doesn’t explain the weird animal behavior. The dogs were still “edgey” all weekend. So I’m thinking we’re still in for an earthquake. We’re way past due. It’s gonna happen. It’s just a question of when… So after a particularly hideous day at work on Friday, I came home to find that I had no phone service. One of my housemates had Verizon out working on her phone line and in the process of fixing her, they somehow disconnected me. I was not amused. I really wanted to come home from work, check my e-mail, post to my blog, watch “Battlestar Galactica,” and then play some EQ into the small hours of the morning. Such was not in the stars for me though. Well, at least my satellite connection was not effected and I could still watch the season finale of BSG. Missing that would have really pissed me off… No questing for me though… Grrr… Argh… As far as work went, it really wasn’t that bad. I just had this one particularly ugly confrontation with a customer and it sorta ruined the whole day. She was really, really not nice and nothing I could have done would have made her happy, but I still let her get to me more than I should have… Oh well. How it goes sometimes. I have much more important clients who think I pretty much walk on water, so fuck her… I also know of at least 3 beautiful men who (the last time I checked anyway) seem to think I’m pretty fucking fabulous and that thought makes me feel all kinds of better :) Saturday I got my hair cut and colored. It needed both pretty desperately. The color came out a bit too light this time though. The color my stylist uses is called “Bonfire” and then she throws in a bit of “Apricot” and “Cherry” to keep it from being that unnatural, flaming copper red that many salon jobs can turn into. Well, this time I think we leaned a bit too far toward the Apricot side of things. Some of these highlights are getting dangerously too close to that dreaded blonde spectrum. When I go back in November, I’ll have to make sure we throw a bit more Cherry into the mix… Saturday night I was supposed to go to this charity fundraiser thing with S-boy, but he got food-poisoning and had to cancel. I was more disappointed by that than I should have been. It wasn’t like it was a date or anything. We were just going to this thing as friends. He’s been really busy lately and I haven’t seen much of him in recent weeks, so I was just sad that I didn’t get to spend the time with him. I like him a lot and dig just hanging out with him, even though I know we’re not going to turn into anything. We’re just friends and that’s ok by me. It feels right. As hot as he is, and as much as I’d like to jump him; that is not our destiny… although I still think that at least once we’ll probably both end up drunk some night and will take glorious advantage of each other ;) I’m just going to gloss right over Sunday. It wasn’t a bad day; it just didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. I had hoped to go to a movie with Adam, but it didn’t work out. I’m just glad I at least had the balls to ask him out and that he actually wanted to go. Hopefully, next weekend we can get our schedules on the same page. Honestly, I don’t care what we do. I just want to finally have a chance to spend some time with him. Time that has nothing to do with work. Where we can talk about whatever. Be ourselves. See what happens. Then I can try to evaluate these feelings I have for him. Basically decide if I’m totally delusional and need to bury said feelings before they get me really hurt, or if this is the guy I’m going to let go for and try and take a shot with. That thought scares the shit out of me. I was soooo not looking for anything like this. HWMNBN really fucked with my head. I had trust issues in regards to men before that whole fiasco and he most definitely made them worse. I was so sure that I wouldn’t even be entertaining the idea of a serious relationship for a very long time to come… but maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was just waiting for the right kinda guy to come along. Is Adam that guy? I don’t know yet, and I’m afraid to get my hopes up, but so far he has been so sweet and charming that it’s hard not to. You know how sometimes you just “click” with someone? That was the case here. For some inexplicable reason it just feels right. I want this to work out. To turn into something. Am I willing to settle for just being friends with him if it turns out he doesn’t feel the same way and I’m reading something into this that isn’t really there? Yeah, probably. I’ve been down this road enough times with enough guys to know that that is a real possibility. Will I be happy about it? Not a fucking chance. I’m thinking this time I might just have to try and fight for what I want. Tell him exactly how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. Not settle for just being friends. Maybe my mistake in the past has been accepting my fate and graciously just burying my true feelings and letting them go in the hopes of at least salvaging a friendship out of the ashes… I’m not saying it hasn’t been worth it. I don’t regret my past decisions. I have been blessed with having some truly amazing men in my life… but just once I’d like to have one of them realize that given ½ a chance, I can be pretty amazing myself… Whoa. I should stop right there. I’m getting ahead of myself. Way ahead of myself. I guess I should at least let next weekend play itself out as it will and not put any undue pressure on it… Oh look. After all was said and done, I still ended up with a soul-bearing post. I’m such a fucking sap sometimes… Oh well. Hopefully you all still love me anyway… Can I at least get everyone to say a little prayer of well wishing for me this time around? Light some candles? Cross your fingers and toes or something? Please? I’m getting really tired of being the hopeless cynic around these parts…

"The man who fights too long against dragons becomes a dragon himself." - Friedrich Nietzsche