Jumping Off The Bridge

One of my favorite sayings has always been, “I’ll jump off that bridge when I come to it.” Well, it looks like the time has come to test that theory. I’m at the bridge, I just need to jump. I hate to keep dwelling on this fucked up, on-again-off-again thing I’ve got going with this guy Michael, but it seems to be unavoidable. He has made it very clear that he is looking for someone to get seriously involved with and I’ve made it very clear that I’m not. So last week he sorta decided that we needed to just end things. I didn’t like that solution, but I had nothing to argue with, so I agreed to back off and just let him go. Things didn’t work out that way. Apparently I’ve “gotten my claws” into him and he’s now at a complete loss. Sort of a can’t live with me, can’t shoot me kinda thing. The additional twist to this little plot is that I’d sorta been reconsidering my position on this situation as well. I was talking to my friend Jason the other day and he basically told me I was nuts not to at least give this thing with Michael a chance to turn into something. Michael obviously likes me, we have a lot in common, and we have tons of fun when we’re together. What the fuck is wrong with me that I’m not seriously considering running off and marrying this guy, let alone trying to come up with excuses not to date him? On the surface he is about perfect. He is a good guy and he’s never given me any major reason for this paranoia that I have about getting involved with him. (Granted, there was the ex-girlfriend episode a few months back, but we’ve written that off as temporary insanity.) Maybe Jason is right and I really am nuts. That seems the most plausible explanation at this point. Fuck that I’m not in love with Michael. I barely know him. If I just let myself go and give this a chance maybe it will turn into something more. It has that potential. I’m just petrified of having my heart ripped out and stomped on again. As I told Michael the other day, you can only get knocked down so many times before you stop wanting to get back up again. He told me that was stupid and for someone with a pair of balls like I’ve got, I should not have these commitment issue fears that I have. Granted, he does make things difficult. He’s basically told me he’s shopping for a wife at this point in his life. Talk about putting undue pressure and stress on a relationship before it even gets off the ground. Geez. So Michael and I had a big fight on the phone the other day. It was petty and stupid. He was acting like a petulant eight-year-old and I quickly got hostile and defensive. By the end of the call I was really pissed, but he made some good points and even though things got fairly ugly, oddly enough it sorta solidified my decision to give this relationship a shot. Why can’t things be simple just once? We should be allowed to choose the people we fall in love with. You know just flip a switch or something. Go up to a guy that you’ve fallen for, tell him you love him, he flips his switch and yippy skippy the two of you live happily ever after. Or you meet this really fantabulous person that tells you they can’t live without you so you flip your switch and the fairy tale begins. It should be like that. I don’t know who to write to get the research started on that, but I’m going to look into it. Maybe there’s a pill we can take or something. I’ll let you know what I find out…

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." -- Cynthia Heimel

Strange Days

It's been a weird few days. One of my friends was kind enough to let me invade his space for awhile and I had a really great time hanging out with him. We usually have a lot of fun when we're together and this time was no exception. I wish circumstances were different and we could do it more often, but I'm not complaining. I'll take what I can get and I value every second I get to spend with him. We basically just partied liked rock stars. Ok, so we also spent a good bit of time just hanging out and watching TV, but let's not cloud my little rock star vision with tales of normalcy... Things are still bleak on the job front, although I do have a phone interview today that could be promising. We'll see... I had a huge blow out with one of my other friends yesterday. It was not pretty and I don't think he and I will be speaking for awhile. Men are so stupid sometimes. This one in particular can read me pretty well and he knows what buttons to push to make me really mad. Now why he would push those buttons intentionally is beyond me. I know he's hurt right now, but why make things worse? I really like having this guy as a friend but he's been very high maintenance lately. He's such a drama queen sometimes. Still, I like having him in my life so I'll give him a few days to cool off and then I'll get out the peace pipe and try and patch things up. i don't think any permanent damage has been done. I hope not anyway... So that's about it for now. "War of the Worlds" is on the agenda for tonight. Can't wait to see it. I just know it's going to fucking rock!

"Hollywood was born schizophrenic. For 75 years it has been both a town and a state of mind, an industry and an art form." -- Richard Corliss

A Plague of Puppies

So the fucked up dreams continue. This time I blame the Goldschlager. Check this one out… So I’m walking through Hell (in the total Dante sense of the word) and I’m carrying this big wooden box. All around me are souls being tortured, but I seem to have a purpose and really pay them no attention. As I round a curve, I hear two people call my name. I look up from the path and there are my friends, Jason and Michael. Jason is rolling a stone up a hill only to have it roll back down. He does this repeatedly. This is the punishment of Sisyphus. The difference here is that the stone is covered in EarthLink stickers. Symbolism there? Ummm, yeah. Michael is worse off. As was Prometheus before him, Michael is chained to a rock and vultures are eating his liver. It grows back and the vultures eat again. Can we say, "Ick?" So anyway, they both beg me to set them free and I tell them I’d be glad to, but I had this errand to finish first and hold up the box. Michael asks if it is Pandora’s Box and I say it is.
"Isn’t there enough evil in the world already? Why do you want to make things worse?" he asks.
I tell him that the world has become complacent and needs someone to shake it up. I tell them I’ll be right back. Michael gets snippy and says that’s just like me. I set things in motion and then don’t stick around to take responsibility for my actions. "Fuck you. You must have done something or you wouldn’t be chained to this rock. You deserve this."
"What about me?" Jason asks. "I don’t deserve this fate."
I agree with him. "You’re right. You’re being tested, but you will be free soon. I’ll be back for you. Both. I promise."
"And what is that worth? The promise of a woman?" Michael quips.
"Don’t quote "The Princess Bride" to me. You are not as charming as you think you are." I take my box to the entrance and kneel down and open it. Out pour puppies. Hundreds and thousands of puppies.
Michael and Jason look at each other. Puzzled. "Puppies?" Jason asks.
"That’s your grand plan for world domination? A plague of puppies?" Michael seems pretty amused for a guy having his liver eaten by vultures.
"A little less commentary from the two of you would be just peachy. Do you not remember your Shakespeare? Julius Caesar? "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!"
"Sweets, those are puppies. Not dogs." Jason tells me, as if I didn’t know. Yeah, yeah, let’s patronize the crazy chick…
"Shut up. Puppies can wreak havoc too! Besides, soon they’ll be dogs and then they’ll rule the world."
"You are fucked in the head." Michael informs me.
I run over to Jason and look at him pleadingly. "Jason, I had to do it. I had to let the puppies go. It was important."
"I know it was." He tells me. "Now, can you help me with this fucking rock?" So Jason and I roll his stone into the River Styx. It almost knocks Charon out of his boat, which would not have been pretty. Then we unchain Michael. "Now, can we please get out of here?" Jason asks.
"What’s the rush?" Michael asks.
I look at him like he’s an idiot. "Ummm. Hello? Hell? Wasn’t planning on sticking around. Besides, those puppies belonged to Cerberus and he’s going to be pissed when he finds out they’re missing. Trust me. The last thing in the world you want is a three-headed dog pissed off at you."
That was when I woke up. WTF? Shakespeare. Mythology. Film references. I have way too much trivia bouncing around in this head of mine…

"Last night I had the strangest dream. I sailed away to China, in a little row boat to find ‘ya, and you said you had to get your laundry cleaned." – Matthew Wilder – "Break in My Stride"

Past Redemption

Dreams are funny things. Sometimes they can answer a lot of questions. Other times they create more than they resolve. I had one of my more fucked up dreams and that’s saying a lot because I’ve had some bizarre ones in my life. I guess in all fairness I should call it a nightmare since that’s really more what it was. Regardless of what you want to call it, here I am awake and writing about it when I should be asleep; tied to a beautiful man’s bedposts and being some sort of willing sex slave. Alas, that is not my fate tonight. Maybe tomorrow ;) So anyway… the dream. I am standing at a train station dressed in what looks like some sort of wedding gown. I’m drinking coffee and appear to be waiting for a train. The train pulls up and a man gets off. He is dressed in a black cloak and the cowl is pulled over his face. Even so, I seem to know him. He walks to me and takes my hand. We walk away from the train and he tells me, “That train is not for you.” He wraps his cloak around me and the next thing I know we’re standing at the end of a rope bridge that crosses this huge abyss. We cross to the other side of the bridge. Turns out the abyss is actually a moat and there is this giant stone castle on the other side. It is built into the side of the mountain and it is beautiful but scary. My companion takes off his cloak and it is someone I know… but not really. This man is some sort of demon or angel. He has these amazing, silvery black wings and fiery eyes that shift from blue to green and literally blaze from within. I ask him what we are doing here and he tells me that he has brought me home. That this is the fortress I have spent my life building. “This is the Hell of your own creation. You built these walls to keep everyone else out. You don’t trust anyone and you don’t love anyone and your banishment to this place is the price you now have to pay for those sins.” I tell him that’s not true. I tell him I love him and I trust him, but he doesn’t seem to believe me. He just takes my hand and leads me over to the edge of the moat. “Look down there. Those are the bones of the people you have betrayed.” I look down and there are skeletons everywhere. “You left me when I needed you most. My bones are down there too.” I start to back away. I tell him that I never meant to hurt anyone. I tell him I’m leaving; that I'm going back, and he tells me I can never go back. I turn around and the bridge has fallen into the abyss. I beg him not to leave me all alone; to take me back home; that I love him. He kisses me and says, “You know, I think maybe you do, but it’s too late. You are past redemption. Your heart is ice. I can’t love you now even if I wanted to.” Then he flies away… That was when I woke up. Think I have some unresolved issues rolling around in my subconscious? Dammit. Sadly, this dream makes a lot of sense to me. Well, some of it does anyway. Other parts I may need to think about awhile longer. I don’t like what it suggests and portends that’s for damn sure. Well fuck it. I’m not going to deal with it right now. I’ll ponder this vision next week when I have some distance from it. I plan to have a perfectly glorious weekend. Everyone else out there in blogland do the same!

“A dream is an answer to a question we haven’t learned how to ask.” – David Duchovny – “The X-Files”

Blast From The Past

I went and saw an old friend today. Jocelyn played for the Macon hockey team back in the late 90's when Lindy and I were working as photographers for the team. He became a good friend, but I had not seen him in years. The last time I saw Joce, his girlfriend had just had a baby and they were getting married. My how the years have gone by. He's now divorced and his daughter is five. Everyone I know is growing up an getting married (annd divorced) and having kids. It's odd... So anyway, after his divorce Jocelyn decided he needed a change and moved out here to California. He is the general manager of a skating complex in Panorama City which is like 10 miles from my apartment. So I decided to drop in and see him. He was floored. He looked great and is the same old Jocelyn that I remembered. He was very quick to tell me he is divorced now and picked right back up hitting on me, just like he always did. He's such a flirt. You gotta watch out for those French-Canadian hockey players. They think they are charming or something :) So we caught up and he told me I can come skate any time I want. It was really weird to see him out here; a puzzle piece from my past inserting itself into my new present. Not that I'm complaining, I always liked Joce and it might be fun to hang out with him again. If nothing else, at least I can get back on the ice. It's a good thing I had all my hockey equipment shipped out here. Time to get those skates sharpened, I guess. Hockey and surfing. What the fuck am I getting myself into out here?

"A good friend is a connection to life- a tie to the past,a road to the future,the key to sanity in a totally insane world." - Lois Wyse

Animation Saturday

So Saturday morning I got up at a semi-reasonable hour and went to meet a friend for breakfast. He occasionally does some work for Warner Brothers and had to pick up some stuff from Warner Animation in Sherman Oaks, so I met him there. He showed me around Warner a bit which was cool. Considering it was a Saturday morning, there were a lot of people there working. There was also a lot of cool animation art on the walls that I would have loved to have smuggled out of there, but I was good and kept my hands to myself. I figured I’d try and avoid a trip to jail if at all possible :) So after fucking around at Warner a bit we went and grabbed coffee and pastries and sat and talked about my script a little. This friend of mine has been in “the biz” for awhile and he had some good suggestions and insights. He also explained to me that he really can’t help me as much as he’d like. He can’t get involved in this project right now. I understand why not, but it still sucks. I’d like his help on this, but aside from moral support and just general suggestions, he’s staying out of it. Maybe that’s just as well… based on some of the events that take place in the script; reality could really end up mirroring fiction if he did. Sure, I’m a little disappointed, but I was never really expecting his help, so no worries… After breakfast we went and saw the new Miyazaki film, “Howl’s Moving Castle.” It’s a beautiful movie and is very typical of Miyazaki’s work. If you liked “Princess Mononoke” and “Spirited Away” then you’ll like “Howl’s.” It’s actually a bit of a throwback film. It has a lot in common with his earlier films, “Kiki’s Delivery Service” and "Castle in the Sky." The characters are well developed. It’s funny and sad and the story is great. I’m torn as to whether or not I like it better than “Spirited Away.” I think I’d need to see it again before making that claim, but it is definitely as good. The overall story is better and it has a lot more depth. There are things you really need to “read between the lines” to get. Symbolism. Mythological references. There’s just a lot going on, and the film really works on many levels. I loved it. It will take its place among Miyazaki’s best and will become a classic of animation. It deserves to win the Oscar for Best Animated Film and I say that without having any clue what it’s competition will end up being.

"Animation is about creating the illusion of life. And you can't create it if you don't have one." -- Brad Bird

Surf City

I know you’re all just dying to know how my little surfing adventure went on Friday so here it is. I survived! It was a close thing, but I lived, so YAY! Surfers are fucking nuts. I have always known this, but I guess somewhere along the way I forgot. I have known my friend, Zane since we were both kids. He and his buddies were a couple years older than me and took me under their wing when I was 6 or 7. I surfed with them for a couple of years and actually got to be pretty good. Then we moved away and I haven’t been on a surfboard since. Meanwhile, Zane is still surfing Huntington Beach and has been for the last 25 years. He was always better than me, but now he’s a legend on that beach. It was nice of him to even invite me out. It was even better that he didn’t laugh at me. Riding a surfboard is not like riding a bike. You can’t walk away from it and then just pick it up years later and expect to still be able to do it. So anyway, I met Zane at the beach at 6:30AM. You can’t be modest if you want to surf. Everyone just changes in cars and parking lots and there’s just a lot of nakedness going on… and if you’ve seen most surfers’ bodies, you know that’s not a bad thing at all. These guys look like Greek gods they are so cut. It’s a beautiful thing ;) Zane gave me a wetsuit to change into and a board I could borrow and off we went. I got a few refresher pointers and we plunged into the Pacific… the very fucking cold Pacific. The waves were good. Nice rolling breaks and it wasn’t too windy. It took me about a ½ an hour to finally catch one and get up on my board. I then promptly fell off it. Things improved and I rode a few decent waves. I then got fucking hammered. I caught a wave that was much too big for me and I got rolled. It was not pretty. I scraped my leg on a coral bed and got a nasty cut. It missed one of my tattoos by less than an inch. That would have sucked. This cut is going to leave a scar. I had a great time, but I need a safer hobby. I’m also tired and sore and bruised. So, am I going to do it again? If you had asked me last night, I probably would have said, “no,” but today I’m having second thoughts. As the aches fade away I just remember how much fun it was. The crash of the surf. The pull of the water. The freedom you feel when you finally catch a wave. Surfers have always referred to it as a kind of “zen” experience, and it is that. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never done it. I’ve always been an adrenalin junkie at heart and this kind of rush might prove too alluring to give up…

"To stand at the edge of the sea, to sense the ebb and flow of the tides, to feel the breath of a mist moving over a great salt marsh, to watch the flight of shore birds that have swept up and down the surf lines of the continents for untold thousands of years, to see the running of the old eels and the young shad to the sea, is to have knowledge of things that are as nearly eternal as any earthly life can be." -- Rachel Carson

A Crisis of Conscience

So here's something interesting. It turns out I might have a conscience and some morals or something... maybe anyway. As you should all know by now, I finished up the first draft of my screenplay yesterday. I'm thrilled with how it turned out, but I'm a little disturbed as well. There is a lot of fact in this fiction. Some of these conversations are dialogues I've had in real life. Sure, I've twisted them and taken some "creative license" with the situations, but even so there is enough reality underneath it all to give me a fucked up case of deja vu. It's like I've lived these scenes... only not quite. My life has suddenly taken on a "Twlight Zone" kind of aspect. I usually get fairly invested in the characters I write. In my head they become real people. In this case that's even more true than normal. There are characters here that are based in some respect on people I know in real life. The fact that I kill two of them off in particularly gruesome fashion was hard to do. I was surprised by that. A lot of what I write is dark and violent. It always has been. That kind of writing is theraputic for me. I can write a murder scene with the best of them. I've joked about these death scenes with the two people that these characters are sort of based on, but when it came down to it, they were hard scenes to write. Based on their actions in the script, their end was inevitable, but I still feel a little guilty, ya know? I wish no ill will on these people in real life. I care about them both very much. So no hard feelings guys. It's nothing personal. I promise :)

"I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality." -- Salvador Dalí

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

Well we had another earthquake today and I didn't sleep through this one. It was just a little one, just enough to knock some things over on my shelves... The bigger news is that I finished the first draft of my screenplay today! Everyone do a happy dance for me :) It's officially registered with the Writer's Guild and everything. I must say that I'm very pleased with how it turned out. Now I get to enter re-write hell, but that's ok. The hardest part is always getting that first draft done... In celebration of this accomplishment, I'm going surfing tomorrow morning. This screenplay may end up being my legacy seeing as how I have not surfed since I was like 9. Back then I was about 85 lbs and made out of rubber. My center of gravity has also changed pretty significantly since then as well. This should be interesting...

"If they'd lower the taxes and get rid of the smog and clean up the traffic mess, I really believe I'd settle here until the next earthquake" -- Groucho Marx

What's Shaking?

I felt a change of scenery was in order... How are things out West you might ask? Well, I have successfully recovered from my little nervous breakdown this past weekend and everything is just ducky again. I have suddenly discovered that I have a lot to say. I've written five scenes for the screenplay in less than a day. It's like the story just wants to be told and is writing itself. It's a very cool feeling. I like how this project is turning out. I'm a little over half way through at this point. I hope to have a fully finished first draft by this weekend. Then I can start on re-writes. Yay! So, what else to report? I slept through my first earthquake. It was Sunday morning at like 8:40. I went to my cousin's graduation party and everyone was talking about it. You'd think they'd be used to them around here by now. I was like, "What earthquake?" Everyone was amused. I'm more concerned about how Callie is going to handle her first quake once I get her out here. She will freak the fuck out I'm sure... Yesterday was good. Aside from writing a lot I also had two really good interviews. One in particular was very promising. I don't want to jinx it by talking about it too much, but the interview went well and it would be a fun job at a very cool company. I should hear back by early next week. Everyone cross your fingers and say your prayers. I really, really want this one to come through... So just wanted to say, "Hi!' to everyone out there in the blogverse. Thanks for all the emails. You guys are the best!

"I'm a word man. See, there's this theory about the nature of tragedy, that Aristotle didn't mean catharsis for the audience but a purgation of emotions for the actors them selves. The audience is just a witness to the event taking place on stage." -- Jim Morrison

My Girlfriend

I went and saw "Mr and Mrs Smith." Was it great cinema? Not hardly. Did I love it? Every fucking frame. This is a big budget summer action movie. There is no question about that. Part "War of the Roses." Part "Bourne Identity." Part "Grosse Pointe Blank." It is funny and dark and the action sequences are incredible. Doug Liman knows how to shoot a car chase scene. The reason to see this movie though is the chemistry between Brad and Angelina. I don't care if they have a "thing" going in real life. I don't care if Angie was the reason Brad and Jennifer broke up. They are great together on screen. Now it's no secret that I have a total thing for Angelina Jolie. She is the one person in this business that I really, really want to meet. I think she is an amazing actress and a strong and beautiful woman. All of that comes through in this movie. This is the kind of role she is meant to play. The beautiful bad ass that can play with the boys on their level. I'm so jealous :) Would this movie have worked without Brad and Angelina in it? Maybe, but probably not. They are the heart and soul of the film. At least one of them is in almost every scene. There is no real supporting cast to speak of. (With the exception of Vince Vaughn who is his typical, hilarious, wonderful self.) Adam Brody is in the film for all of 10 minutes. I like Adam so I was sorta disappointed by that, but oh well. So if you like violent, dark, action comedies (or if you have a thing for Angelina like I do) then go see this film. You won't be disappointed.

"What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." -- Angelina Jolie

Thirteen Ghosts

Insomnia is a bad thing, but at least I’ve been productive while not being able to sleep. I was having these wonderfully erotic illicit dreams when suddenly I found myself awake and unable to get back to sleep. As much as I wanted to return to dreamland so I could resume having really kinky sex with this really hot guy, my brain had other plans. So I figured what the fuck and went back into script writing mode. I knocked out a scene that had been plaguing me for two days and am pretty pleased with how it turned out. I guess some things just need to be written by the dark of the moon. Unfortunately once I was done with the scene I still couldn’t sleep so I decided to have a mini-meltdown instead. Always a fun way to spend the early morning hours, don’t you think? As a result, here I sit posting to my blog yet another of my infamous lists. These are 13 apologies for various and sundry things:

13) To all my friends and acquaintances – let’s start with just a general apology for some of my recent actions. I’d like to claim I was abducted by aliens and these acts were committed by one of the Pod People, but sadly, that is not the case. I’m sorry I’ve been such a fucking idiot lately.

12) To Mikey and Kerstin – I’m sorry I didn’t get those letters written. It was just one thing in a long line of things I said I would do and didn’t. I have no excuse.

11) To Colin – I’m sorry I can’t just let you go. Sometimes I need a little consolation from the other side.

10) To myself – I wish I had done a lot of things differently. Sometimes I wish I really was the hard-ass bitch so many people think I am. I think it would probably make life easier. I’m sorry that I’m so fucking insecure and neurotic.

9) To Sara – When things got weird with Stann I lost you too. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep in touch.

8) To Callie – I’m sorry I had to leave you in Atlanta. It won’t be for too much longer. I promise.
7) To my family – I know you are all concerned about me and where my life is headed. I’m sorry to have caused you all the worry. I’m really not as crazy as you think I am. I will be fine. Thanks for all your support on my latest journey. I wouldn’t be here without all of you.

6) To everyone at work – I’m sorry I left without really saying good-bye. I’m not good at farewells and I should have handled things better than I did. I miss you all.

5) To Kimbi – I don’t regret letting you go. I’m sorry that I ever thought I loved you. It should have ended long before it did.

4) To Stann – I’m sorry for everything. We were friends for a long time and we should have left it at that. Hopefully we will get back to where we were before last summer turned everything so wrong.

3) To Michael – I wish I could be that girl that you want me to be. I’m sorry that I can’t and I wish I knew why that was so. You are an amazing guy. I think maybe I’m just broken.

2) To Jason – I’m sorry that you’ve been the one who has had to put up with all my neurotic craziness lately. You are one of the best friends I have ever had and I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for everything.

1) To Lindy – I wish I could pinpoint exactly where everything started to go wrong. If I could I would get in my DeLorean and go back and change it. But I can’t. The best I can do is apologize. Hopefully some day you’ll forgive me. I’m sorry things got so fucked up.

So there you go. Not one of the happier lists that I’ve come up with. Now that I’ve purged some demons maybe I’ll be able to get back to sleep… not bloody likely though…

“Never apologize. It’s a sign of weakness.” – Kevin Spacey – “Swimming With Sharks”

New Digs

Hey all. I finally have pictures of my new place for those of you who want to see where I'm living now:

http://www.ancalagonmorgans.com/SantaClarita.htm

Sorry for the lack of significant posting this week. I've been in screenplay writing mode. Everybody have a great fucking weekend!

"Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." -- Goethe

Dreamchasers

Just a couple of quick reviews to do here. Both good films, but stylistically they couldn't be more different. First up is "Cinderella Man." This movie was pretty much what I expected it to be. Russell Crowe in a Ron Howard film never seems to be a bad thing. Russell was outstanding and the film was beautifully shot. It was a bit long in places, but overall deserves the good press it's been getting. I was not impressed with Renee Zellweger's performance though. I'm liking Renee less and less lately and I'm not sure why. It's almost like she's not trying hard enough. Still, she's not distractingly bad and it's really Russell's movie anyway. The boxing sequences are great. Definitely worth checking out... Next we have "Lords of Dogtown." My attention span must be getting shorter, because this movie seemed a bit too long to me as well. Other than that, I really liked this film. The cast is young and pretty and they can all act and skate and surf. I liked every one of the performances. Heath Ledger does a great Jim Morrison impression as Skip - the owner of the Zephyr Surf and Skate shop - who mentors these kids. The whole thing has a grainy look that really captures the feel of 1970's Southern California. It is not a film for everyone. You really have to be into surfing and/or skating or you just won't get it. The footage they got is amazing. A lot of point of view shots and funky camera angles. This is an edgy film, not typical Hollywood fare... These movies are a like in that they are both about people overcoming incredible odds and rising to the very top of their professions. It's also about the price of fame and the sacrifices people make to achieve their dreams.

"Insist upon yourself. Be original." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Trip To Gotham City

In keeping with the strangeness that is my life these days, on Monday I got an impromptu invite to the premiere of "Batman Begins." Now for anyone who has never been to a Hollywood premiere let me just tell you that these things are an experiment in organized chaos. The security you have to go through is unbelieveable. (Unless of course you're one of the VIPs. Then you walk down the red (or in this case black) carpet and don't have to worry about the scary guys who practiacally strip search you.) And there were a lot of VIPs. It was an odd assortment of people who made an appearance. Apparently everyone in town thought this was the premiere to be seen at this year. Most of the attention went to Tom and Katie but there were a lot of other cool people as well. I met Topher Grace and Dominic Monaghan and Ryan Reynolds (who is even hotter in person than he is onscreen). I also got to chat with Erica Durance (who plays Lois Lane on "Smallville."). I know I have been very critical of her performance and I stand by that. I still don't think she's right to play Lois, but she's also a very nice person so now at least I'll have to feel guilty about saying I don't like her on the show :) I'm not going to say anything about the plot of this film. It's better if you go in blind. I will say that I loved it! Christian Bale does a great job. As Bruce Wayne he definitely reached back to his performance in "American Psycho" for inspiration. There is a lot of Patrick Bateman in Bruce. He's also very convincing in the suit. This movie was made for comic book geeks. There's no question that it's a summer action movie, but it's also very dark and I think even the die hard Bat fans will like it. Outstanding supporting cast. It's hard to go wrong with Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman and Liam Neeson in your cast. Katie Holmes was not as annoying and out of place as I had expected her to be. She's still the weak point in the film though. Cillian Murphy is not in it nearly enough, but is great in the scenes he does have. I'm interested to see how this film does. I think it will really help to erase the damage that was done by the last couple of Batman films. All-in-all I had a blast and it was soooo cool to have the chance to go.

"They told me there was nothing out there, nothing to fear. But the night my parents were murdered I caught a glimpse of something. I've looked for it ever since. I went around the world, searched in all the shadows. And there is something out there in the darkness, something terrifying, something that will not stop until it gets revenge... Me." -- Christian Bale - "Batman Begins"

Of Mice And Men

I have nothing exciting to report from the weekend. I unpacked. That was it. No movies. No writing. Just unpacked. So I got a lot done, but I still feel like I was totally unproductive... The moving company lost one of my boxes. It couldn't have been a box of candles or dishes or stuff like that that I really wouldn't miss. No. It had to be a box of DVDs. I am currently without all my box sets now. Buffy. Angel. Family Guy. Indiana Jones. They'll replace them all, but I'm still not happy. They also broke the glass on my framed "Two Towers" poster so I need to get that replaced as well. My decision to move my more important framed art (the Chinese horses Lindy gave me, my Inuyasha cel, etc) myself seems like a wise one now... So a short post today. I've got like 1000 errands to run and I've put them off as long as possible so I'd better get going... Tonight I have got to work on the script, but I may try and put up a longer post as well. Miss you all!

“The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry." -- Robert Burns

For Your Consideration

My landlord, Charlie has his own production company and is president of the Moab International Film Festival. The actual festival will be next April and the Japanese film I mentioned in a post a few days back is the first entry into the competition. We will have a lot more films to screen for consideration between now and the end of the year. Apparently Charlie decided that I at least sort of know what the fuck I’m talking about when it comes to movies and has appointed me to the film selection committee. How fucking cool is that? I’m going to sit on the selection panel of an international film festival. Me. I’m actually kinda psyched about it. I’m sure I’ll have to watch a bunch of crappy films that get submitted for consideration, but still, I think it will be fun… and a nice thing to put on my resume. There’s also a new animation festival here in LA that’s going to kick off in July and I’m trying to get involved with that as well. If nothing else, it gets me behind the scenes at these festivals and will put me in a position to maybe meet some people that I need to meet. A couple of us are talking about going to Sundance in January, but that’ll be as a spectator. I don’t expect Bobby Redford to put me on any of his committees… not yet anyway ;) Of course, I hope to actually have a film at Sundance in 2007 so that’ll give me a whole different perspective on the film festival thing… My script continues to come along. I’m pretty pleased with how the dialogue for the first scene came out. It still needs to be tweaked and will get re-written numerous times I’m sure, but at least I can claim to be making progress. The first scene is with characters I’m pretty comfortable with. They are fairly easy to write for. Things will just get harder from here. I’ve got one character in particular that’s going to be kinda tough to write. He’s going to have a real love-hate relationship with the audience and that’s never easy to do. So getting some of his scenes at least partially written is on tap for this weekend… I was supposed to go to The Canyon Club on Friday night to see The Little River Band, but the movers finally called and said they were ready to deliver my stuff so that plan got axed. Oh well… I finally got my telephone service ordered. Verizon has always been a pain in the ass to deal with when it came to DSL orders. I don’t know why I thought they’d be different when it came to getting a phone line. So after much ado, I have a phone number. It won’t actually work until VZ sends an installer out next fucking Friday, but at least I will finally have a phone then. Unfortunately I’m not serviceable for DSL, but I expected that. I knew there was not a chance in hell that I was close enough to the CO to get it, but still, I was hoping that maybe I was wrong. No such luck. I will try and function on dial up for now at least. Ultimately we’re installing a business satellite system here at the house that’ll be a gig up and a gig down and I’ll be able to hook into the network for that, but that’s a few months down the road. If I have to, I can always get on Charlie’s regular sat connection, but honestly it’s not that much faster than dial up and it’s really temperamental. I lived on just dial up for over a decade. I suppose another few months won’t kill me… Let me clear up something about my post from Friday. I told Michael I was going to write what I did. I needed to write it for its therapeutic value, but that if he didn’t want me to actually post it then I wouldn’t. Or if he wanted me to take it down after he read it, then I would. He told me to post it and he told me to leave it up. No one out there in blogland knows him personally so even though I name names, to some extent it’s still ambiguous. He also said that he fully understands why I needed to write it. There’s one thing I will say about Michael. He definitely “gets” me. He knows I’m a little crazy, but still he usually understands how my brain works and that should scare the shit out of him :) So anyway, no hard feelings there… Not much planned for the weekend. Unpack and write. Maybe try to get out and see “Cinderella Man.” Next weekend my girlfriend Angelina’s new movie opens. Yippee Skippee. “Howl’s Moving Castle” opens on the 10th as well. Some of the reviews I’ve read are saying this one is even better than “Spirited Away.” I can’t imagine that being possible, but I’m sure it will be an outstanding film nonetheless. Miyazaki has never made a bad movie. I don’t expect him to start now…

“It’s all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room.” – Judy Reyes – “Scrubs”

P.S. - If any of you have not bought Season 1 of “Scrubs” on DVD yet, go do it. Right now. Get up from your computer, go out to Target or Best Buy or something, and buy it. At the every least, put it in your Netflix queue. It’s a great set and the bonus features are outstanding too. This is really the best show on TV right now. The writing is easily the funniest out there. I don’t think they’ve made a bad episode yet. It’s apparent from Season 1 that this show is different from anything else on the air. The cast had their characters down from the first episode. It’s really a great show. Go watch it!

A Just Us Friends Thing

No post from me yesterday. Sorry about that. I was just at a loss for what to write. I had a lot I wanted to say but wasn’t quite sure how to say it. I guess I’ll take a stab at it today and see what happens…. So Wednesday night I skipped out on “Star Wars” at the Arclight to go have dinner at my friend Michael’s place. He and I have gone through some bad things recently and all of our “discussions” have been over the phone, so we really needed to sit down and talk in person. Now Michael is a fun guy; seriously one of the funniest people I have ever been around. He is also one of the nicest, most down-to-earth people you could ever meet. He is just an all-around good guy. He is also sometimes brutally honest. He does not like to dance around issues or play games. He comes right out and says what he thinks or feels. That’s both good and bad. Good because I think people should be honest with each other. Bad because sometimes the truth is the last thing you really want to hear. I’m great at listening to other people’s problems; mainly because that keeps me from having to deal with my own. I knew before going over there that Michael and I were going to talk about everything that’s been going on the last few weeks, but honestly I figured he’d talk and I’d just listen and nod in the right places. Apparently not… So lemme back up a little to earlier that day. Michael and I had not spoken since Sunday and we had sort of left things open-ended and had no real plans to talk again or see each other or whatever. So when he called me on Wednesday afternoon (fortunately I was in a cell zone at the time) and asked me to come over for dinner, I was kinda surprised. So I fixed my hair and actually put on some makeup and went over to his place, honestly not knowing what to expect. The evening could have turned into anything from a knock-down-drag-out-call-the-cops kinda fight, to kinky sex on his back patio, to just nice quiet conversation, to playing video games in his basement, to me licking melted chocolate off his bare chest at 4 o’clock in the morning. It turned out to be none of those things. (Although the chocolate thing definitely would have gotten my vote ;) Ummm… so anyway…dinner was amazing. He is a hell of a cook and he made me some of the best gnocchi I’ve ever had. We had some great wine. (Somebody please tell me when I turned into a wine drinker. I never used to touch this stuff.) He was kind of quiet all through dinner, which was odd because normally you can’t pay him to stop talking. I’m the quiet one, not him. Still, we had a nice conversation about my move to LA and his recent trip to New York and just generic stuff like that. After dinner, the conversation got much more serious. His roommate was out of town so we had the place to ourselves which again was good and bad. Good because we could actually talk and say what needed to be said without anyone else getting involved, and bad because this was not a conversation I wanted to have. I’ve mentioned in previous posts how much I like this guy. We have a lot in common and just relate to each on so many levels. It feels like I’ve known him forever and I’ve never been shy around him which is usually a big problem for me. That’s partially why the last few weeks have been so hard on me. Aside from the stress of moving across the country, leaving behind my friends and family in Atlanta, not having my horse around, etc, I’ve also been really upset that Michael and I were in such a bad place. I’ve missed having him to talk to. He was definitely one of the added bonuses of my move to LA. We were actually going to get to finally spend some time together, and then shortly before I left, it all started to unravel. It was a series of things that led to the problems. I’m not going to get into exactly what happened. That’s between Michael and me, but some of it was his fault and some of it was mine. Mostly it was me. I know that. I don’t like to burden other people with my problems and so I just don’t talk about them, even when I probably should. That’s sort of what happened here. I didn’t talk to him about something and he translated that into thinking I had lied to him. It led to some ugly arguments. Wednesday night could have been more of the same, but actually it ended up being worse. I would have preferred to fight with him. I can hold my own in an argument. Instead he wanted to have a serious discussion about relationships, and finding your soul mate, and casual sex, and having children, and those kinds of things. He asked me a lot of questions about what I saw in my future as far as career and family and I hate those kinds of questions. My answers tend to sound very selfish, especially these days. I’m still adjusting to my new life out here. I’m not looking past the next few months right now and that’s what he wanted me to do. He also asked a bunch of those “what if” questions that I loathe. A lot of them had to do with kids. He wants a whole herd of them. I don’t. Anyone who knows me knows that I’ve always been pretty adamant about not having kids. My concession has always been, “Maybe I’ll have one.” Having a child is not something I absolutely have to do with my life to make me feel complete. If it happens, I’m ok with it. If not, then I accept that it’s not something I’m supposed to do. I’m 34 now, so saying I only want one seems a more reasonable answer these days. And there’s no question that if I’m going to have a kid, it needs to happen in the next few years. I don’t see myself as one of those 40 year old women with a newborn. I’m definitely more likely to end up with a kid than a husband though. I can’t imagine some guy optionally putting up with neurotic me for the rest of his life. A kid wouldn’t have a choice though. Generally speaking you’re sorta stuck with your mom for life :) However, I don’t know that either is in the cards for me. I can barely take care of myself sometimes so I just don’t think of myself as being a good a wife or mother. Maybe I’m wrong and I’d be great at both. Who knows? Still, I’m like everyone else; of course I think about it from time to time. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t, but at dinner on Wednesday night it was not something I wanted to think about and it was certainly not something I wanted to talk about. What it finally came down to is that Michael has been doing a lot of that kind of thinking lately. He’s at a point in his life where he’s ready to settle down at least a little. He may not be ready to get married yet, but he wants a girlfriend that he can come home to every night. He wants someone that he can love with all his heart and all his soul and give the world to, and someone who will do the same in return. I wish I could be that girl, but we all know I’m not that girl. Not for him anyway. He said so and sadly, I agree with him. It still hurt to hear him say it. How fucking irrational is that? I like Michael. A lot. But I am finally doing something with my life for myself. I’m not ready to play “the girlfriend” role that he’s looking to cast. He travels a lot, and does not want to do the long-distance thing, and so to give him the kind of relationship he wants would mean giving up my identity and what I want in order to support him and be with him. I can’t do that, and he knows me better than most, so he said he knew better than to even ask. As much as I like him, I know that he’s not the person I’m destined to live “happily ever after” with, and that’s what he’s looking for. So we’re back to just being friends and that’s it. It won’t even be a “friends with benefits” kind of thing. He can’t be fucking me while he’s out searching for his soul mate and that’s fine. I get that. I like being friends with him and don’t want to make things more complicated than they already are. The sex was great, but it really did just complicate things in this case. There are some people you can have that kind of relationship with and everything works out just fine. There are others you can’t. It really depends on the personalities of the people involved. This was a situation where it wouldn’t have worked. It would have just led to further ugliness and ultimately would have destroyed our friendship. It’s weird. It sorta feels like breaking up even though we’ll still be friends, and we were never really dating in the first place, so I know it shouldn’t feel like that. Well, no one ever said relationships of any kind (especially with me) were easy. Even the good ones tend to get warped and twisted somehow. I swear I don’t do this shit on purpose. It does make things interesting, but interesting doesn’t always mean fun…

“You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” – Dr Seuss

A Little Bit Of Zen

So Tuesday was an odd day. It turned out to be more emotionally draining than it should have been. I had some things I’d been avoiding doing and finally just had to confront the demons and get them done. A friend of mine said to me that "karma is a bitch" and I think she's right. I have a lot of things to atone for these days. It's going to be a long, painful process but I'm finally to the point where I need to at least start that journey. Not fun, but definitely necessary. I've been truly horrible to just about everyone in my life for most of this year. I don't have any excuses. I was in a bad place and I took it out on the people around me. I lashed out at whoever was the closest target and unfortunately that was usually the people I most didn't want to hurt. I don't know that I can fix everything that I broke in the last few months, but I need to at least try. Fuck. I don't know how things got so screwed up. I'm just an idiot. It's truly a wonder I have any friends at all and at this rate I won't have them long. Fuck. Fuck Fuck.... Ok. Enough. I have got to be productive today. I can't get stressed out about things I can't fix right now... So, on a less heavy note, Tuesday was pretty unproductive. All-in-all everyone just seemed to be catching up from the holiday. As a result, there weren’t any new jobs posted which kinda sucked, but I went ahead and picked up applications from a couple of coffee houses and a couple of book stores. I’ll fill them out and turn them in and maybe do one of those things for awhile. Not really what I want to be doing out here, but it’ll pay the bills until I can find something more permanent. I don’t know that me working in a coffee shop, wired on caffeine all day, is the best idea in the world, but it might be fun to see what happens... So yesterday morning I fucked around in town for awhile. I went to Kinko’s and checked email, searched job sites, posted to my blog, the usual. Then I went to Target and the bank and the pet store. I spent like $30 on a dog that isn’t even mine. It’s sad really. I got dog snacks and a dog brush and dog shampoo. Casper went on the hike with us on Monday and he swam through some seriously questionable ponds and ran through what I’m sure was poison oak and so he desperately needed a bath. I don’t know why I bothered. He’s an outdoor dog. He’s just going to get dirty again almost immediately. Still, it’s been a long time since I’ve had a dog to play with so I did it anyway... After Casper’s little spa day I got out my paint pens and basically tattooed my new walking staff. It looks really slick. It has symbols and tribal designs and metallic flames and I’m just really pleased with how it turned out. I need to pick up some polyurethane now so I can waterproof it. I’m such a dork. It was a perfectly functional walking stick as it was, but still I spent like 3 hours decorating it and now just watch, I’ll fall off some ledge or something and snap it in two the first time I go out hiking with it. Oh well. It was still fun to do. I should have spent the afternoon storyboarding the title sequence of my screenplay, but I wasn’t motivated to do that so I drew on my staff instead. I’ll do storyboards this afternoon… So Monday night we screened this great Japanese film. It was called “Take Down” and it was really very well done. It’s about how people prepare for death while at the same time still living what time they have left. Very Zen Buddhist kinda stuff. Amazing cinematography and really top notch acting. It will definitely get shown at Moab next April and I’m sure it will contend for one of the jury prizes there... I also met some really nice people yesterday. One is a pretty well-respected 1st AD around here. He’s been in this business for 20+ years and had a lot of great stories and a lot of good advice. He’s directed some low-budget stuff in the past and might be someone I’d consider working with on my script if I ended up not pitching it to a studio and just trying to get it produced myself. That seems the most likely option. We can shoot it cheap and just the people that were here yesterday could have formed the core of a very solid production team. We had a director, a producer, an editor, and an amazing lighting guy who has also done some work as a DP. For an indie kinda film that’s really all you need to get rolling. Well, you need a cast and makeup and wardrobe and stuff like that, but let’s not get too caught up in the details here :) I at least made some potential contacts that could really help me out down the road. These guys know the ropes. They get movies made. They could prove to be very helpful. Everyone cross your fingers and toes. All I need to do is get one of my scripts put on film and that’ll give me a calling card that will open a lot of doors around here… So the girl that’s currently living in my apartment swears she’ll be out by the end of the day. I hope so. My stuff isn’t here yet, but I at least want to start living in my space. I feel like I’ve been living out of a suitcase forever. I just want to be able to hang my clothes in my closet, ya know? Mostly what I want though is a phone. I hate being this out of touch. I have people that I really need to talk to. Some to clear the air. Some just to hear the sound of their voice. I love it here, but there are some people that I really fucking miss, and I know everything would be much better if I could just pick up a phone and call them.

"Actually, I'm not interested in Zen that much as a philosophy, nor in joining any movements. I don't pretend to understand it. I just find it comforting. And very similar to jazz. Like jazz, you can't explain it to anyone without losing the experience. It's got to be experienced, because it's feeling, not words." -- Bill Evans