Insomnia is a bad thing, but at least I’ve been productive while not being able to sleep. I was having these wonderfully erotic illicit dreams when suddenly I found myself awake and unable to get back to sleep. As much as I wanted to return to dreamland so I could resume having really kinky sex with this really hot guy, my brain had other plans. So I figured what the fuck and went back into script writing mode. I knocked out a scene that had been plaguing me for two days and am pretty pleased with how it turned out. I guess some things just need to be written by the dark of the moon. Unfortunately once I was done with the scene I still couldn’t sleep so I decided to have a mini-meltdown instead. Always a fun way to spend the early morning hours, don’t you think? As a result, here I sit posting to my blog yet another of my infamous lists. These are 13 apologies for various and sundry things:
13) To all my friends and acquaintances – let’s start with just a general apology for some of my recent actions. I’d like to claim I was abducted by aliens and these acts were committed by one of the Pod People, but sadly, that is not the case. I’m sorry I’ve been such a fucking idiot lately.
12) To Mikey and Kerstin – I’m sorry I didn’t get those letters written. It was just one thing in a long line of things I said I would do and didn’t. I have no excuse.
11) To Colin – I’m sorry I can’t just let you go. Sometimes I need a little consolation from the other side.
10) To myself – I wish I had done a lot of things differently. Sometimes I wish I really was the hard-ass bitch so many people think I am. I think it would probably make life easier. I’m sorry that I’m so fucking insecure and neurotic.
9) To Sara – When things got weird with Stann I lost you too. I’m sorry for not trying harder to keep in touch.
8) To Callie – I’m sorry I had to leave you in Atlanta. It won’t be for too much longer. I promise.
7) To my family – I know you are all concerned about me and where my life is headed. I’m sorry to have caused you all the worry. I’m really not as crazy as you think I am. I will be fine. Thanks for all your support on my latest journey. I wouldn’t be here without all of you.
6) To everyone at work – I’m sorry I left without really saying good-bye. I’m not good at farewells and I should have handled things better than I did. I miss you all.
5) To Kimbi – I don’t regret letting you go. I’m sorry that I ever thought I loved you. It should have ended long before it did.
4) To Stann – I’m sorry for everything. We were friends for a long time and we should have left it at that. Hopefully we will get back to where we were before last summer turned everything so wrong.
3) To Michael – I wish I could be that girl that you want me to be. I’m sorry that I can’t and I wish I knew why that was so. You are an amazing guy. I think maybe I’m just broken.
2) To Jason – I’m sorry that you’ve been the one who has had to put up with all my neurotic craziness lately. You are one of the best friends I have ever had and I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for everything.
1) To Lindy – I wish I could pinpoint exactly where everything started to go wrong. If I could I would get in my DeLorean and go back and change it. But I can’t. The best I can do is apologize. Hopefully some day you’ll forgive me. I’m sorry things got so fucked up.
So there you go. Not one of the happier lists that I’ve come up with. Now that I’ve purged some demons maybe I’ll be able to get back to sleep… not bloody likely though…
“Never apologize. It’s a sign of weakness.” – Kevin Spacey – “Swimming With Sharks”
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