Past Redemption

Dreams are funny things. Sometimes they can answer a lot of questions. Other times they create more than they resolve. I had one of my more fucked up dreams and that’s saying a lot because I’ve had some bizarre ones in my life. I guess in all fairness I should call it a nightmare since that’s really more what it was. Regardless of what you want to call it, here I am awake and writing about it when I should be asleep; tied to a beautiful man’s bedposts and being some sort of willing sex slave. Alas, that is not my fate tonight. Maybe tomorrow ;) So anyway… the dream. I am standing at a train station dressed in what looks like some sort of wedding gown. I’m drinking coffee and appear to be waiting for a train. The train pulls up and a man gets off. He is dressed in a black cloak and the cowl is pulled over his face. Even so, I seem to know him. He walks to me and takes my hand. We walk away from the train and he tells me, “That train is not for you.” He wraps his cloak around me and the next thing I know we’re standing at the end of a rope bridge that crosses this huge abyss. We cross to the other side of the bridge. Turns out the abyss is actually a moat and there is this giant stone castle on the other side. It is built into the side of the mountain and it is beautiful but scary. My companion takes off his cloak and it is someone I know… but not really. This man is some sort of demon or angel. He has these amazing, silvery black wings and fiery eyes that shift from blue to green and literally blaze from within. I ask him what we are doing here and he tells me that he has brought me home. That this is the fortress I have spent my life building. “This is the Hell of your own creation. You built these walls to keep everyone else out. You don’t trust anyone and you don’t love anyone and your banishment to this place is the price you now have to pay for those sins.” I tell him that’s not true. I tell him I love him and I trust him, but he doesn’t seem to believe me. He just takes my hand and leads me over to the edge of the moat. “Look down there. Those are the bones of the people you have betrayed.” I look down and there are skeletons everywhere. “You left me when I needed you most. My bones are down there too.” I start to back away. I tell him that I never meant to hurt anyone. I tell him I’m leaving; that I'm going back, and he tells me I can never go back. I turn around and the bridge has fallen into the abyss. I beg him not to leave me all alone; to take me back home; that I love him. He kisses me and says, “You know, I think maybe you do, but it’s too late. You are past redemption. Your heart is ice. I can’t love you now even if I wanted to.” Then he flies away… That was when I woke up. Think I have some unresolved issues rolling around in my subconscious? Dammit. Sadly, this dream makes a lot of sense to me. Well, some of it does anyway. Other parts I may need to think about awhile longer. I don’t like what it suggests and portends that’s for damn sure. Well fuck it. I’m not going to deal with it right now. I’ll ponder this vision next week when I have some distance from it. I plan to have a perfectly glorious weekend. Everyone else out there in blogland do the same!

“A dream is an answer to a question we haven’t learned how to ask.” – David Duchovny – “The X-Files”