Into the Woods

I keep telling myself, “Listen to your heart. Fuck the consequences and the naysayers and just do what you want to do.” So why is it that no matter how many times I tell myself that, it just seems crazier and crazier? Although it sounds romantic and idealistic, it also sounds impulsive and irrational… but when someone else tells me basically the same thing, it seems more like sage advice. Maybe it’s because I have no faith in myself and my abilities but some of my friends seem to. I don’t know anymore. I’m just babbling here and part of the advice I got was to stop “pandering” to my audience. Write what I want to write whether it’s here in my blog, or in my screenplay, or in my badly neglected novel. Just do what I want to do and ignore the people who tell me that I can’t do something. Fuck them. Live without fear. Live without regret. I need to just sit down and evaluate my priorities. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I had this discussion with two different friends yesterday and I couldn’t answer those questions – for them, or for myself. I think I’ve known those questions were out there, just waiting to be answered, but I’ve been avoiding them. It’s so much easier to just let day after day slip by and not do anything. Not make any changes. Say I’ll make changes tomorrow. That’s why I am where I am. I’m standing still while the world moves on around me. I’m about to be 34 and as I move further and further along the chronology of my life I find it harder and harder to make any radical decisions about the future. It gets scarier. Those fucking “what ifs” that I hate so much keep creeping into my thought making process. Some might consider that wisdom. I consider it a kind of spiritual suicide. I want to still be the girl who blindly rushed headlong into the fray and never looked back. I was that girl for a long time, but somehow she got lost in the woods. I’m not sure what wrong turn I took to get to where I am now, but it’s dark and cold and I don’t much like the scenery. I’m all about a good adventure, but there are dark things lurking in this forest, and I’d kind of like to avoid them if I can. I think that is going to require a leap of faith on my part. Just run like hell in the general direction I want to go, know that I have a few good friends looking out for me, be confident that I have the abilities to get myself where I need to go, and don’t look back on the monsters that may be trying to follow. The world is round; I’ll get there eventually, right? (I guess I should throw my standard little caveat in here. I’m not in a bad mood. I’m just tired and feeling self-reflective. I was up way too late last night. I blame those damn left coast friends I have ;)

“Life is a journey, Clark. I don’t want to go through it carrying a road map.” – Michael Rosenbaum – “Smallville”