I had intended for today's post to be a review of "The Incredibles," but I talked to Wes again last night and he brought up some other musing I'd rather do. Wes is the lttle brother of my late boyfriend Colin. He's one of my best friends and I don't get to talk to him nearly as much as I would like. Anyway, he's currently down in Peru. He had been working on a dig at an Incan site near Cuzco. He's done with the work part of his trip and is now just spending some time climbing in the area before he heads home to Arizona for the holidays. Anyway, Wes had called me on Thurs night just to see how I was. (The bastard has a satellite phone and called me from the top of a freakin' mountain!) We caught up for a bit and he filled me in on the dig and whatnot. He called me back last night to see if I had liked "The Incredibles." (It rocked BTW! I'll post a review tomorrow or Monday.) After that the conversation turned a bit more serious. He's been down in Peru for almost 2 months now and he really misses his girlfriend, but he says that lately when he's talked to her he's gotten a really weird "vibe" from her and he has now convinced himself that she is seeing someone else and just doesn't want to tell him. They were good friends long before they ever started dating and his main concern at this point is that if she really has moved on then he at least wants to stay friends with her. The silly boy wanted my suggestion on what he should do. Let me tell you, I am the world's best listener, but I suck at giving advice. I can barely keep control of my own life, let alone try to help someone else with theirs. I told Wes as much and that really my only suggestion was to just talk to her when he gets home and to play it by ear from there. Not very helpful, I know. Still, my conversation with him got me to thinking, and to make a long blog even longer here are just some random thoughts on my relationships with some of the people in my life...
I have a lot of acquaintances. People that I know and interact with, often on a daily basis. On the surface I guess you would call them "friends," but honestly I don't have any sort of real emotional investment in them. If they were out of my life tomorrow I would probably miss some of them, but the world would not come to an end. There are also a few that I would probably make some sort of effort to keep in touch with, but deep down I know that eventually we would just fade from each other's lives. Maybe that makes me shallow and cold. I don't know. It's kind of sad, but that's just how it is.
Which brings me to the people I consider to be my "true" friends. My "people I'd take a bullet for" list. It's a really, really short list. The people on it probably don't even number in the double digits. These are the people I would do anything for and they are on the list for life. It doesn't matter how much they fuck up. I could go for years without talking to one of them and if they called me today and said they needed my help, I'd be on the next plane to wherever. Friendships like these are strange things. Some of these people I've known almost my whole life. Some I've known very intimately. Some of them I've known for almost no time at all and yet I can't imagine my life without them. Years, months, it doesn't matter. They've all somehow managed to solidify a special place in my life. I can't really even explain how this odd assortment of personalities has come to be such an important part of my life or why I'm so loyal to some them. (One in particular has fucked up my life so badly that I should want him dead and yet I still can't bring myself to cut him out of my life. Mainly because I know that if I ever really needed him to come through for me, he would...) I guess part of it is that they all accept me for who I am. They all know I'm eccentic and a little bit crazy. They may not agree with some of the things I do, but they don't judge me for doing them. Another part of it is that I just don't trust many people. I don't like letting people into the dark, scary corners of my life because I know most of the time people are not going to like what they see there and will probably run away screaming incoherently. So when I do trust someone enough to let them in, I tend to get very protective of them and will fight to my dying breath for them. This loyalty has cost me. Emotionally. Physically. Mentally. Does there a come a point when you have to let go? What is that point? Honestly, I don't think I could let any of them go. We may drift apart emotionally or geographically but in the end (at least on my side anyway) I think I have to say that their names are written on this list in blood...
So there it is. A pretty heavy diatribe for a Saturday morning, eh? Those of you who are on my "bullet" list know who you are, or should by now anyway. If you need me, you know where I am. Just send up the Bat Signal and I'll come running just like I always have...
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