Jumping Off The Bridge

One of my favorite sayings has always been, “I’ll jump off that bridge when I come to it.” Well, it looks like the time has come to test that theory. I’m at the bridge, I just need to jump. I hate to keep dwelling on this fucked up, on-again-off-again thing I’ve got going with this guy Michael, but it seems to be unavoidable. He has made it very clear that he is looking for someone to get seriously involved with and I’ve made it very clear that I’m not. So last week he sorta decided that we needed to just end things. I didn’t like that solution, but I had nothing to argue with, so I agreed to back off and just let him go. Things didn’t work out that way. Apparently I’ve “gotten my claws” into him and he’s now at a complete loss. Sort of a can’t live with me, can’t shoot me kinda thing. The additional twist to this little plot is that I’d sorta been reconsidering my position on this situation as well. I was talking to my friend Jason the other day and he basically told me I was nuts not to at least give this thing with Michael a chance to turn into something. Michael obviously likes me, we have a lot in common, and we have tons of fun when we’re together. What the fuck is wrong with me that I’m not seriously considering running off and marrying this guy, let alone trying to come up with excuses not to date him? On the surface he is about perfect. He is a good guy and he’s never given me any major reason for this paranoia that I have about getting involved with him. (Granted, there was the ex-girlfriend episode a few months back, but we’ve written that off as temporary insanity.) Maybe Jason is right and I really am nuts. That seems the most plausible explanation at this point. Fuck that I’m not in love with Michael. I barely know him. If I just let myself go and give this a chance maybe it will turn into something more. It has that potential. I’m just petrified of having my heart ripped out and stomped on again. As I told Michael the other day, you can only get knocked down so many times before you stop wanting to get back up again. He told me that was stupid and for someone with a pair of balls like I’ve got, I should not have these commitment issue fears that I have. Granted, he does make things difficult. He’s basically told me he’s shopping for a wife at this point in his life. Talk about putting undue pressure and stress on a relationship before it even gets off the ground. Geez. So Michael and I had a big fight on the phone the other day. It was petty and stupid. He was acting like a petulant eight-year-old and I quickly got hostile and defensive. By the end of the call I was really pissed, but he made some good points and even though things got fairly ugly, oddly enough it sorta solidified my decision to give this relationship a shot. Why can’t things be simple just once? We should be allowed to choose the people we fall in love with. You know just flip a switch or something. Go up to a guy that you’ve fallen for, tell him you love him, he flips his switch and yippy skippy the two of you live happily ever after. Or you meet this really fantabulous person that tells you they can’t live without you so you flip your switch and the fairy tale begins. It should be like that. I don’t know who to write to get the research started on that, but I’m going to look into it. Maybe there’s a pill we can take or something. I’ll let you know what I find out…

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." -- Cynthia Heimel