I would have preferred to stick with the werewolf dreams. My subconscious had different plans though it seems and has upped the ante a bit. I don't know how many "Samurai Champloo" fan are out there, but that was the world I dreamed last night. I was some sort of rogue samurai wandering through the forests and mountains basically slaughtering everyone in my path. I'm not sure why. I don't know if it was my job to kill these people or I had some sort of vendetta to fullfill or what. It was fucked up. And violent. And bloody. I even had to seduce some of my victioms in order to get them close enough to kill them. there was this one pretty little Asian woman that I found myself making out with... only then I slit her throat. These random little vignettes of death did not make for peaceful sleep time. I tossed and turned and woke up after pretty much each one. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I am not ready for another period of bad dreams, migraines, and insomnia. I know why it's happening. Sorta anyway. I just have a lot going on in my life right now and a lot of it is shit I can't control, which we all know makes me absolutely fucking crazy. I have gotten very good at wearing my public mask though. The huddled masses generally can't tell if I'm having a good day or a bad day. TNI can read me pretty well, but he spends a lot of time with me and is good at studying people so he sees me better than most. Even so, I don't think he has a clue how bad some of the days are. The days when my brain and my stomach tie themselves up in knots and I just want to scream and scream and scream until I'm hoarse and can't scream anymore. I would like to have a scapegoat to blame, but with The Devil officially out of my life, I have lost the one person I got to blame everything bad on. Sure, TNI and S-boy, and HWMNBN each wind me out in their own way from time to time, but honestly, I'd be sooooo much worse if I didn't have them. No, this is all me. I make myself crazy. I admit that. Part of it is that I was unhappy for so long that I think now that things are finally going well, I don't know how to just enjoy them. I let things that should make me happy, stress me out. I love having TNI around. I need him to bounce ideas off of and just to hang out with and make the voices in my head quiet down for awhile. Just hanging out with him makes me very happy... but he's leaving for a bit and the thought of not having him around even for a little while makes me very, very sad. I know he has to go, and that he'll be back, but that isn't going to make it any easier to say good-bye. Then there's HWMNBN. On the good days he makes me the happiest girl on this level of the Tower... but on the bad days he makes me feel like Wesley after the Albino dragged him down into The Pit of Dispair and Prince Humperdinck cranked The Machine up to 50. (For all you non-"Princess Bride" folks out there, that means really, really bad.) Sorry about the rant. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head. Actually, I feel better now. Ahh the joys of blog-therapy. Enjoy the rest of your week. Now that I got all this bullshit off my chest, I'm going to try to too...
"The wheel is turning and you can't slow down. You can't let go and you can't hold on. You can't go back and you can't stand still. If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will." -- Jerry Garcia
No comments:
Post a Comment