No new New Year's resolutions for me this year. I'll work on the ones I didn't quite accomplish in 2005, but I don't really feel compelled to add any new ones. Maybe I'm just lazy this year. I do however have a long laundry list of things I'm annoyed about these days though. I can't really post them without pissing off pretty much everyone in my life so I think I'll keep them to myself. It's probably a stupid and petty list that would most assuredly get me into another "war of the blogs" anyway. So I'm going to refrain from saying anything that will get me into any further trouble... I do want to know why my life has to revolve around what other people want though. What about what I want? Don't I get a say in my relationships with people anymore? Friends, guys, etc. My standard response to most questions is "I don't care." That's become my standard response because it's just so much easier than the arguments that ensue when I do speak up and say what I really want. Besides, most of the time I'm pretty easy-going and I really don't care. Unfortunately, I've sorta taken than stance even when it comes to things that I really DO care about. What can I say? I'm an idiot sometimes... Everything that happened last summer with HWMNBN is a good example. I told him I wanted to take things slow and get to know each other a little before rushing into an actual "relationship," but that wasn't what he wanted so he pushed and he pushed and he pushed until I caved in to his wants and shortly thereafter everything went to Hell. I'm not usually the type to do the whole "I told you so" thing, but dammit..–. So now I'm at the point with him where he's sorta gotten his life back together and I want us to start trying to start things over and he keeps telling me that he wants things to work out between us and wants us to be together, but now he's the one who wants his space and doesn't think we can be just friends for awhile until he gets his head screwed back on a little straighter and yada and yada and yada. So fine. I once again give in to what he wants and I don't call him and I don't email him and as much as I miss him, I stay out of his life. But then he e-mails me. Or he calls me. Or he texts me. Or he AIMs me. Make up your fucking mind already! Guys these days just piss me off. They tell you what they want and when you actually give in to those wants they do a complete 180 on you. I swear men are such fucking girls sometimes...– S-boy isn't much better. We joked about being "friends with benefits" at first which I was ok with. (Have I mentioned lately how hot he is?) Then he got on a soapbox about me thinking he was just using me for sex and he felt I would ultimately resent him for it. I tried to explain to him that I'm a big girl who can make her own decisions and everything and that I'm actually a big fan of the whole casual sex thing, but he's a big chivalrous boy when it comes to shit like that and decided it was better if we didn't start sleeping together. Ummm ok. Not happy about it, but whatever, if that's what he wants, then so be it. So for the longest time it was the whole "let's just be friends" thing. I love hanging out with S-boy and think being friends with him is just peachy so I was fine with that. Then out of the blue he asked me out. Like on a real date. When I asked him why the sudden change of heart he told me he had been talking to a friend of his and his friend said, "You sure talk about this Angie girl a lot. When are you going to ask her out?" OMFreakinG! Pardon me while I bang my head against a wall. If you like me, then ask me out because you like me. Not because one of your friends told you to! Fortunately we got past that and are now back on the just friends front. He's still one of the hottest people I know in real life and with enough alcohol involved I'm not saying that something wouldn't happen between us, but I've decided to just accept that fact that we're never going to be anything other than friends and get on with my life... That's my great curse. I have always had beautiful men in my life, but our relationships have always been on their terms. Sometimes my wants and their wants coincide, but most of the time they get what they want and I don't get any say in the matter unless I want to risk alienating them completely, which in most cases I don't. For a strong-willed, aggressive woman, I give in to other people's desires remarkably easily. Hence the reason The Devil and I had a tumultuous 10-year on-again-off-again disaster of a relationship. When I finally did put my foot down with him and told him I wasn't going to put up with his bullshit anymore, it came to a roaring, dramatic halt. Which is definitely for the best. He's the one person on this planet that I don't need in my life. Period. As a friend or otherwise. It just took me longer than it should have to figure that out...– I want my next relationship to be as drama free as possible. All I want is some guy that I have a few things in common with and who realizes how fabulous I am. Is that really too much to ask? Maybe I can get S-boy and TNI to write me letters of recommendation or something. They both love me and should be willing to do that for me, shouldn't they? I need to find someone with their tolerance for my neurotic tendencies that is also stupid enough to actually want to date me. The odds for that should be good, right? Kinda as good as winning the lottery I'm thinking...– Sigh...– Good thing I'm bad at math, huh?
"Never tell me the odds." -- Harrison Ford -- "Star Wars: Episode IV: A New Hope."
No comments:
Post a Comment