Fuck A Duck?

... or at least an ex one... That was my most recent personal dilemma. Touch decision, eh? Despite my recent propensity for finding myself involved with actors, it seems I still harbor some deep-rooted affinity for hockey players. It's been lying there, lurking, waiting for an excuse to come out and play. Friday night it got it's chance. It was a weird thing. Friday was cruising along like a perfectly normal day. Work was slow and I was bored out of my fucking mind, but aside from that, everything was copacetic. Then a friend of mine (one I really should not be going out with, even in a "just friends" capacity) called and asked if I wanted to go to the Ducks/Sharks game at the Pond. Normally I would have said, "no," but I've been itching to go to a hockey game and wasn't about to turn down tickets on the glass, so I went. It was actually a pretty boring game. The Sharks won 1-0 in OT. No scoring for 3 long periods and no real good penalties either, but I did get to see Selanne play and hockey is hockey, so we'll call that the upside. After the game we found ourselves hanging out downstairs waiting on a couple of players. (Did I mention that my friend knows like half the team?) So yeah, there we are waiting and who should walk by but this ex-Duck that I know from way back. I was surprised to see him 'cause last I heard his rights belonged to an East Coast team and he should have been several thousand miles away from LA, but apparently he decided not to report to his new team. (He's willing to turn down a couple hundred thou a year simply because he doesn't want to play back east again. Ok, so he's not the brightest guy I know. ) I've known this guy for over a decade and have had a serious thing for him as long as I've known him. Let's give him the "bloggiker" of Big Jim. He did a double-take when he saw me. It was great. Then he gave me a huge hug and totally freaked my other friend out. (Big Jim is a big guy, so he can be a bit a intimidating to those who don't know him.) So anyway, we chatted and caught up and the next thing I knew I was headed to a strip club called Taboo with Big Jim, my other friend (ah, fuck it, it was HWMNBN), and 1/2-a-dozen hockey players. (If anyone saw "Smallville" this past week, you'll understand how bizarrely my life can mirror fiction sometimes.) Why is it that when I hang out with the hockey set I always seem to end up at strip clubs? Still, it was fun. I definitely drank more than I should have and it was a situation that HWMNBN should not have been in and if I was a good friend I would have talked him into not going, but I wanted to spend some time with Big Jim so I didn't. So shoot me. I'm a selfish bitch. The night could have taken an ugly turn, but it didn't. There was no drama. Just good fun had by all. Did I fuck Big Jim or did I leave with HWMNBN? I'm not going to say. It's really no one's business but mine. Regardless of how the night ended, who I did or didn't sleep with, it was an interesting evening. Contrary to how I sometimes come across on this blog, I'm not quite as confident as I might seem. I have the same self-esteem issues as most of the other women out there. I've been feeling very undesirable lately (and the fact that HWMNBN called me this afternoon to tell me that he thinks we shouldn't even be friends anymore certainly didn't improve my opinion of myself), but it was kinda nice to have a bevy of really good-looking, athletic men fawning all over me, even if it was just for a night and was mostly alcohol-induced. Sometimes bad attention is better than no attention at all... or at least that's what I've told myself over and over and over again in the past and does a lot to explain the fucked up relationships I always seem to find myself in... My little Friday night adventure doesn't change my recent decision to fly solo for awhile. If anything it solidified it. I don't see some sexy white knight riding up on his horse and us riding off into the sunset any time soon. As much as I would like to have that guy in my life, I just don't think he's out there for me right now. If I think about it too hard that would probably depress me, so I guess I just won't think about it. That'll make the problem go away, won't it?

"Beware white knights, people. They don't slay dragons. They train them to suit their own dark purposes." -- James Marsters -- "Smallville"