The World According to Me

Another Saturday. Another flight west. I think we’re somewhere over New Mexico right now. It’s somewhere very deserty-looking from 32K feet up anyway… I’ve turned into a real jetsetter in the past couple of months, haven’t I? Not that I’m complaining. I love to travel and wish I had the resources to do it more often. Especially Europe. I would like to spend some time in London… and Amsterdam… and Prague. It doesn’t help that Delta’s in-flight magazine has a whole article on Amsterdam this month. Now that I am (hopefully) moving back to the Earthquake State, Europe is going to have to wait. If I travel anywhere it will be to come home to see Lindy and the family or to go visit a friend of mine who is moving to NYC. It’s going to be hard having him all the way out in NY when I’m in LA. He’s become a very dear friend and I like having him around to talk to. Hopefully his career will bring him out west from time to time at least… Of course, the next few days will be pivotal. I need to nail down this apartment thing. I need to try and secure at least some form of employment. The thought of moving without a job lined up in advance scares the fuck out of me. Doesn’t mean it will stop me from doing it. At this point, I’m not sure what would stop me. I am in a total California mindset now. I want to be back out in LA. It’s become an almost drug-like craving. I need for the puzzle pieces to fit into place. For all this to fall through now would be bad. Really bad. I have too much of my soul invested in this endeavor now. It’s kind of like when I really fall for a guy. I fall hard. I rush in with both guns blazing. There is heat. There is passion. And it’s great. Until things go badly. I get my hopes up and am left crying on the bathroom floor when it doesn’t work out. I’ve stopped doing that when it comes to men. I’ve become much more cautious. But this whole California thing feels like that. It all happened so fast. I’m just waiting for things to start to fall apart too quickly for me to be able to pull them back together. It’s like riding a Tilt-a-Whirl. The adrenalin gets going and is coursing through you so hard it’s making you sick, but man, what a fucking ride. Well, when the ride stops this time, all I can do is pray that I’ll still be able to walk… Let me clear something else up. I am NOT doing this for a guy. Yes, I have a friend out there that happens to be male and I like him a lot and we’ve become very close over the last few weeks, but contrary to popular belief, he did not prompt this sudden plan to move. I have been talking about going to LA for months (actually years) now. I found a great deal on an apartment and a place to keep my horse a few weeks back and that was my motivation to try and pull this together now. I’m not going to lie and say that his being out there is not a definite added bonus. Ultimately do I see our relationship going anywhere? No. It won’t happen. We will be great friends. We have too much in common not to be, but it won’t be anything else. Not only is he out of my league, but I don’t think we are even playing the same sport. We may have a lot in common, but we live worlds apart. I understand that. He recently got out of a long and sorta fucked up relationship. I am an amusing diversion for him right now; a shiny new toy for him to play with. As long as we salvage a friendship out of this, I’m ok with that. It’s been nice just having his attention for a little while… This has been a borderline schizophrenic post hasn’t it? Not sure why traveling always makes me muse on my life like this. Something about the journey of mind and body maybe? To quote Indiana Jones, “I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go.” That’s what my life feels like right now. I have a script. I know what my lines are supposed to be. But in the end there’s always some improvising involved and ultimately it’s all about leaving things up to the vision of the director and just going along for the ride. Here’s hoping that this little movie at least has a happy ending… And what the fuck is with all the analogies today? It’s not often that someone compares their life to a movie, an amusement park ride, and a bad relationship all at the same time. Welcome to the world in my head. It’s a nice place to visit, but I don’t think most people would like living here…

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” – George Sheehan