A Menace to Elves Everywhere

I'm in a particularly ugly mood today. People just seem to be going out of their way to piss me off this morning. I'm sick of bitching about work. It seems to be what I spend a large portion of my time doing lately. So, I choose not to deal with it anymore. Fuck 'em. Let's talk about something else... like my inability to wrap things...

I should never be allowed near wrapping paper. If Martha Stewart was dead she would roll over in her grave if she saw the atrocities I commit when wrapping presents. It is truly a sight to behold. I'm not sure what the problem is. It doesn't really involve math. It's a semi-creative kinda task. It's just paper. How hard can it be to manipulate paper? I should be able to wrap a fucking gift and not have it end up looking like a 4 year old did it - I take that back, I've seen 4 year olds who can wrap better than I can. I need to take a gift wrapping class or something. I should just buy gift bags. It would make my life easier, but I am nothing if not stubborn. I refuse to let the paper gods defeat me! I continue to practice wrapping, year after freakin' year. It's become like some sort of insane quest. My improvement has been minimal at best. (Fortunately, I don't have this problem with certain other "skills" I've been working on. I continue to show promise with those tasks ;) I guess it would also help if I would stop buying things that come in oddly shaped boxes. I can wrap books pretty well. It's those damn Fisher Price toys that come in these fucked up hexagonal-octagonal-multi-dimensional packages that really cause me to want to rip my hair out... While we're at it, let's talk about mylar paper. Have you seen this stuff? It's shiny and pretty, but it's most definitely not paper. It's some sort of liquid metal or something. It might even be alive, with a mind and a will all it's own. It doesn't rip. It doesn't stay folded. You need 4 hands and 2 rolls of tape to wrap anything with it and yet my mother continues to buy it. I think she just enjoys watching me trying to wrap things with it. Needless to say a future career at the North Pole as an elf is probably not in the cards for me. It would take them all of about 10 minutes to cast me into exile... Maybe I just need to accept the fact that gift wrapping is like eating with chop sticks. It is something I will never, ever be good at...

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." - Bernard Manning