Recap

What a fucked up kinda year this has been. Some things sorta turned out the way I had expected, other things weren't even remotely close. Let's take a look at my New Year's resolutions from last year and see how they turned out...

1) Get back into my Size 6 jeans - Success! This one I actually accomplished and then some. I've lost 25 lbs since moving out to CA. Just 12 more to go...

2) Have the body to wear a bikini again this summer - Ummm, didn't quite make this one. I feel better about wearing a bathing suit now. I'm not quite bikini fit yet, but I will get there this year...

3) Stop annoying my friends - I went from annoying them to pissing them off so technically I got this one right :)

4) Save more $$$ - not even close...

5) Avoid my ex - I did a fantabulos job with this one until last month. Then there were some e-mails exchanged, but mostly I was successful at this res.

6) Have more sex - I had the good fortune to sleep with not one, but two amazing men in 2005. No complaints here. Let's hope 2006 is even better.

7) Keep posting to my blog - There were a few days I missed, but all in all I think I gave a good chronicle of the entire year here...

8) Finish the book and the screenplay I'm working on - didn't touch the book, but finished one screenplay and started on a second. This is my big project for 2006. Write. Write Write. The western WILL get finished.

9) Stop being so obsessive - I think I was better with my obsessiveness. I made up for it by being more neurotic, but that's better than obsessive, right?

10) Be happier about my job - Fuck yeah I'm happier about my job. I love my new one. Getting out of ATL and away from ELNK was the best thing I've ever done for myself...

11) Play more video games - I played a lot of EQ this year. I don't see that changing anytime soon. In addition, I have people trying to get me into Star Wars: Galaxies and City of Villians...

12) Be more open and honest with my friends - Sometimes too much honesty and openness maybe aren't the best things. I fucked up with a lot of people in 2005 and that was partially because I said things I shouldn't have. For a quiet girl, my mouth sure got me into a lot of fucking trouble it seems. I have a few confidantes I'll continue to share everything with, but there are some aspects of my life that are better not discussed with the general populace...

13) Get a new tattoo - this is the one I would have picked as the one I was most likely to foloow through with, but it didn't come to pass. I definitely need to get one in the coming year. Some of the best artists in the world work out of LA, I'm sure I can find someone to give me some ink...

I'm not going to do an official resolutions list for 2006. I'm going to work on the ones I didn't succeed at in 2005 and that should give me more than enough to do. I also vow to spend as much time as possible with TNI (who, I should mention, has been working out pretty religiously the last few months and is lookin' REALLY fucking good these days). I also want to continue to try and work things out with HWMNBN. He's making great strides to get through his "issues" and I have hopes that things will improve between us. So have a HAPPY NEW YEAR everybody! I'm headed to what could be a legendary party tomorrow night. I promise to let you ll know how it goes...

“New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.” -- Mark Twain

Sound Of Silence

Sometimes the best days are the days spent not really doing anything at all. That was sorta my day today. I got up and hung out with the family this morning. We watched "Jumanji" on TBS and just talked and whatnot. Then I headed south of the ATL and spent the day hanging out with TNI. We grabbed some lunch, and played some pool, and watched a movie. Aside from getting the scenic backroads tour to get to his sister's house and a fruitless quest to find a sushi restaurant, it was basically a lazy, mellow afternoon... and it was great. Almost everyone else in my life seems to stress me out in one way or another these days. Family, friends, work, etc. I don't have that problem with TNI. I don't have to BE anyone for him. I can just be me and he seems to be ok with that. He seems to get that there are days when I am happy and goofy and fairly talkative and other days when I just need to adhere to my quieter side. Granted, I'm sure he likes happy, fun me better than quiet me, but he doesn't seem compelled to make me talk or fill the silences like most other people. The rest of my world should be as understanding... HWMNBM is the most outgoing person I've ever met. He never shuts up or sits still, and that's fine. It works for him, that's the way he is, but he expects me to keep up with him and that's just not in my nature. (Unless I've got a couple of martinis in me, then I become the most gregarious girl you've ever met.) He's finally starting to get the idea that maybe not everyone else on the planet is quite as extroverted as he is and that's good. Besides, he talks enough for the both of us. I can be Teller to his Penn :) There may be hope for us yet... Even S-boy gets uncomfortable when I lapse into my quiet place. He doesn't like the silences and at this point knows me well enough to change the subject to a topic he knows I'll talk about (movies, horses, hockey, etc) and to his credit, it usually works too. I'm not stupid though. I know when he's doing it and on some level it annoys me a little. Why are most people so uncomfortable with silence? If I have something to say, I'll say it. It doesn't mean I'm in a bad mood. It doesn't mean I'm pissed off at you. Trust me, if I'm pissed you'll fucking know about it. I'm just not good at the small talk thing and find idle chit-chat generally boring.... hmmm, the serious lack of dinner parties on my social calandar suddenly makes much more sense :) Hope everyone had a great holiday! Did I mention that I'm sooooo past ready to get back to LA?

“I like your silence, it the more shows off your wonder.” -- William Shakespeare - "The Winter's Tale" - Act V - Scene iii

Day Thirteen

On the thirteenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Thirteen polo ponies,
Twelve nights in Maui,
Eleven celebrity stalkers,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Home For The Holidays

I find myself back in the ATL and I have to say, it's very odd being back. I know I've been gone less than a year, but it feels like a foreign country to me now. The flight East was bumpy. I got in, had dinner with Mom, and then met up with TNI and a buddy of his. It was so good to see him again. I've really, really missed having him around. I know that's stupid. It's not like I haven't talked to him on the phone practically every day since he's been gone, but it's just not the same. I find myself really relying on having certain people around and when they're not, my life just seems to come a little unhinged. TNI is one of those people, so yeah, I was really glad to see him again... Today was kinda fucked up. My mom and I went over to my brother's place for dinner and it was a whole extended family kind of affair. Parents, step-parents, grandparents, siblings, babies, kids, dogs, close friends, just your basic family chaos. It was a bit of sensory overload for me. I partially blame my jetlag, but that wasn't entirely it. Fortunately, my brother and sister-in-law got a new Italian Greyhound puppy a couple of weeks ago, and Ella latched onto me the minute I walked in the door. She is too cute and gave me a reason to be semi-anti-social. At one point I sat down in a big cushiony chair and she curled up in my arms, put her head on my chest, and went to sleep. That gave me an excuse not to move for like an hour and so I just watched the mayhem unfold around me. I was the eye in the family hurricane... I also got to thinking, which was prolly not a good thing. This is a bad time of year for me to get all reflective, but I did it anyway. So here are some of my thoughts on that... Why is it that people don't realize how horrible they are to the people closest to them? Every day we do things that only hurt those we love. Some are minor slights. An unkind word, a rolling of the eyes. Some are more blatant. Lies, half-truths, things left unsaid. Arguements over petty, stupid shit. I'm as guilty as anyone. I've lied to get what I want. Kept secrets from those I love - sometimes to protect them, sometimes to protect myself. I think a lot of the time we don't do these things maliciously. They just happen. We say we're going to do something, and we don't. We make promises with the best of intentions, but deep down know we can't keep them. We tell people what we think they want to hear... I want to be successful, but I don't want a pile of bodies and a list of people I fucked over to follow me where I want to go. Is that even possible in this day and age or are we really playing a zero sum game? Nobody wins unless somebody loses? I hope we (or at the very least I) have not come to that point... It's the same when it comes to relationships. Of course I want the fairy tale. Someone to live happily ever after with. I know I'm prolly going to have to go through bad relationships to get to that point, but what I don't want is a slew of conquests; a bunch of nights of random, meaningless sex with pretty guys who won't remember my name and who I wouldn't be able to pick out of a line-up a month or two down the road. I've never been very trusting of men, and have been very selevctive of the guys I sleep with (hence the reason I've only been with 4 guys in the last 8 years), but lately the temptation to just let go and take some of the pretty people home with me for a night has really been there. I need to get away from that line of thinking. It's not going to lead anywhere good and that's not that girl I want to be (or become). I've always had a sorta "rule" about not getting involved with married men, but have looked at girlfriends as obstacles to be overcome. I'm thinking karma may frown upon that line of thinking, so I'm going to try and avoid the "involved" ones from now on too. If you're single and available, gimme a call, but if you're lying to someone else by being with me, then go home. Be a man and go back to your fucking girlfriend. If/when you break up with her, gimme a call... I'm also having some weird issues when it comes to my friends these days. I've always been insanely loyal to those close to me. Loyal to a fault many would say. I've burned some bridges in the past and have recently been on a quest to rebuild some of them, to varying success. The question is, why do I bother? Some of these friendships have fallen apart because of things I've done, others just unraveled on their own. Should I learn to just let people go? If they don't want to be a part of my life anymore, why should I be the one to fight to salvage things? I don't have an answer to that. Maybe it's just in my nature to fight for the things/people that are important to me. Necede nedede. I've always had a soft spot for lost causes, even when it's a losing battle that the other side doesn't want me to fight... It's amazing the fucked up route your thoughts can take when you have a tiny, warm dog napping on your chest. I'm not sure how I got on this train of thought, but it was very odd to be thinking these things while the Christmas chaos raged around me... Which is not to say that it made me unhappy. I had a good day. I was maybe just a bit too over-reflective. This season does that to me... Still it's been good to see family and friends. I haven't been posting my happy thoughts lately. Shame on me. So that's my happy thing for today. I'm going to try and be a better person to those people that I love. My family and my few close friends. May we not fuck up each other's lives too badly...

"Never give up. Never surrender." -- Tim Allen - "Galaxy Quest"

Day Twelve

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Twelve nights in Maui,
Eleven celebrity stalkers,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Eleven

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eleven celebrity stalkers,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Ten

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Ten glowing reviews,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Nine

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Nine pink diamonds,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Let It Snow... Sorta

You know you're in LA when it's mid-December, it's 80 degrees out, it's snowing fake snow on Hollywood Blvd, and you get stopped at a road block on your way home from work because they're shooting a chase scene on the road you live on. There are days when I truly love this city. It's definitely a ghost town around here though. Traffic has been non-existant all week and work has been dead. It'll be good to see people back in Atlanta, but I still sorta wish I was staying here. I like the warm weather and it's kinda cool basically having the town to myself. I also hate having to leave my dog for a week. Oh well. Family duty and all that jazz. I usually hate this time of year, but aside from a few bad days, December hasn't been so bad this time around. Must be all the sun. My brain doesn't know when or where it is... stop laughing... ok, maybe you're right... that's the case with my brain a lot of the time :)

"When Christmas bells are swinging above the fields of snow, we hear sweet voices ringing from lands of long ago, and etched on vacant places are half-forgotten faces of friends we used to cherish, and loves we used to know." -- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Day Eight

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Eight talk show bookings,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Seven

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Seven-figure salary,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

The Family Broderick

This morning it was cold and foggy and just generally a good day to stay inside and watch movies, so I managed to get two more seen today. First up was "The Producers." I never got a chance to go see the play in NYC and it's been forever since I saw Mel Brooks' original film, so I'd forgotten just how funny this musical is. Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane are a great team. They are hysterically funny, have great comic timing, and both can more than carry a tune. Of course, I sorta expected that with all the acclaim they got when the show was running on Broadway. Uma Thurman was a big surprise though. She has a great voice and dances well. From "Kill Bill" to this. Who would have thought? Honestly though, Will Ferrell isthe real standout in this movie. He steals every scene he's in, and he's not in it nearly enough. This movie harkens back to old-time Hollywood musicals and it's a lot of fun. I don't think it's good enough to win any of the major awards, but it's definitely worth the cost of admission... After "The Producers," I snuck in to see Matthew Broderick's wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, in "The Family Stone." Actually the main reason I wanted to see this movie is Rachel McAdams. She has quickly turned into my favorite actress and she's really great in this film. As is the whole cast, especially Luke Wilson. The movie itself is good, but not great. It's also not what I expected. It's funny, but not as funny as the trailers would lead you to believe. It's a little too contrived and sappy, but maybe that's ok for this time of year. It's still a good movie about families and how crazy they can be sometimes. There are a lot of other movies out right now that I would suggest you check out first. My suggestion is wait and NetFlix this one next Christmas...

"Even though we're sitting down, we're giving you a standing ovation." -- Nathan Lane - "The Producers"

Day Six

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Six weeks in rehab,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

The Eighth Wonder Of The World

Finally a movie that lives up to the hype. "King Kong" is fucking amazing. Action, adventure, romance. A monster movie with heart and soul and a really, really big budget. Peter Jackson should just be given truckloads of cash and allowed to make whatever movie he wants at this point. (Everyone repeat after me, "The Hobbit," "The Hobbit," "The Hobbit.") You guys all know me. I don't cry at movies. I got through "E.T." and "Steel Magnolias" and all those chick-flicks designed to make girls all weepy and whatever and I never shed a tear. No, apparently it takes a special FX giant ape to get me all teary-eyed. This is really a great film. It's worth seeing just to watch the fight scene between Kong and the T-Rexes, but there's so much more to this movie than just action sequences. It definitely doesn't feel like a 3+ hour film. You all know what this movie is about. I don't have to tell you the plot. The cast is great. From Naomi Watts, to Colin Hanks, to a very subdued Jack Black, but this movie is all about the monkey, and the monkey delivers. I'd say Kong is unbelievable, but that's not the case. He's totally believable. Like the "Jurassic Park" dinosaurs that came before him, you just know that he actually exists out there. Peter Jackson convinced us that Middle Earth is a real place and now you just know that he went out and really found Skull Island and brought Kong to us. Thank you for that Peter. All I have to say is, go see it. Go see it. Go see it.

"If you really loved it, you would have jumped." -- Jack Black - "King Kong"

Day Five

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
A Five-picture deal...
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Dear Ms Scrooge...

It was pointed out to me that my quote from last night was not particularly cheery. Mea Culpa. I didn't mean anything by it and didn't mean to trample on everyone else's holiday spirits. I just liked the quote. I for once am sans men problems. I have decided I'm happy how I am right now. I haven't given up the quest to find the right guy; I'm just taking a break from it until further notice. In fact, I'm thinkin' of asking Santa for a pretty boy for Christmakah. Ho. Ho. Ho ;)

Day Four

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Four botox injections,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

I've Got Your Candy Cane

Today sucked. I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to pretend it didn't happen. Wednesday was better. Let's talk about that. Sometimes even guys can surprise you. My absolute favorite Texan came by the store. He brought me a Christmas card and two Christmas CDs that he burned for me. They're great. He picked my favorite versions of a lot of songs. I had fruitlessly been trying to download some songs to put together a Holiday playlist for my iPod and I hadn't been having much luck. I couldn't find a lot of the songs I was looking for and it was really starting to piss me off. So he saved me hours and hours of frustration. It was very sweet of him. He also gave the CDs cute titles. (See blog title above ;) Yesterday I also found out that I officially got the photo gig I mentioned a couple weeks back. I'm headed to Seattle in March as the official photographer for the Ronald McDonald House/Microsoft Hockey Challenge. Woo Hoo! I'm pretty psyched about it and it should be a lot of fun. Two days of hockey, hockey, hockey. It also justifies the new digital camera I'm buying myself for Christmas now ;) Friday night is my company Christmas party. We're going to a swanky Italian restaurant so that should be fun. Then for the weekend I plan to go to a movie theatre and watch as many movies as I can. Not very exciting for most of you out there I'm sure, but I think it sounds like a perfect way to spend a day (or two). Nothing else to report. I just felt the urge to write something (aside from my developing Christmas carol), but now I feel the urge to sleep, so it's off to bed for this little girl. Just need to write this day off and start over tomorrow... Happy thing for today is TNI. I miss him terribly, but just hearing his voice helped to make my day seem less horrific...

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." -- Neil Gaiman

Day Three

On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me,
Three pilot auditions,
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.

Day Two

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Two Sundance passes,
And an agent at a major agency.