Chemical Imbalance

So one thing I forgot to mention about Saturday was that I somehow, magically found myself in possession of a small amount of something called White Widow. I won’t say how I came by it, or even what it is. If you know, you know. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Let’s just say that by the time I went to bed last night I had a lot of different things fucking with my head. Caffeine, sugar, alcohol, etc, etc, etc. The end result was the most fucked up and upsetting dream that I’ve had in a very long time. My subconscious decided to lash out at me and it picked the most disturbing messenger it could come up with. Without going into the gory details, here’s the gist. I was having sex with this really hot guy and we were having a great time (or so I thought), when all of a sudden he just stops. He gets out of bed and when I ask him where he’s going he says he can’t have sex with me anymore. When I ask why not he manages to hit pretty much every neurotic insecurity that I have. I’m fat. I’m ugly. I’m not good enough for anyone of the “pretty people” set and I should just learn to accept that. I’m uncreative and basically lousy in bed. I’m neurotic and crazy and I’m right when I say I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life because there is no way I would keep a guy interested in me long enough to actually have a relationship with him. I’m too aggressive and I need to learn to just do what I’m told and not to be so argumentative. He also attacked my writing skills and told me that I would never be anything other than a dreamer who never attains her dreams. I’m a disappointment to everyone close to me and eventually I’m going to alienate even the few close friends that I have. Ouch. I know it’s just me projecting. I’ve had all these thoughts about myself at one time or another. It’s just a really upsetting list when it all gets thrown at you at once, you know? Especially when the person saying it is someone you care a lot about. If it had been The Devil telling me these things, it would have been easier to take and it would have made perfect sense for him to have been my subconscious deliverer of such unhappy tidings. Such was not the case. So yeah, today didn’t start out so great. I woke up and was very, very upset. Dammit. I definitely need to go see “Goblet of Fire” now. I just need to escape into the Hogwarts world for a few hours. “Walk the Line” is prolly out for today though. Just a bit too heavy I think. Hopefully brunch with S-boy will go well and prove to be undramatic. No drama for me today. Please and Thankee-Sai… Happy thing for today… ummm… I finally finished “Wolves of the Calla.” It was great. I love all the little homages that Stephen threw in just for the geeks like me in his fan base. Star Wars. Harry Potter. The Fantastic Four... SK is the best. I love that he knows his audience so well…

“I had to nurture those doubts as if they were tiny, sickly kittens, until eventually they became sturdy, healthy grievances, with their own cat doors, which allowed them to wander in and out of our conversation at will.” – Nick Hornby – “High Fidelity”

'Lil Slugger

Dunno how many "Paranoia Agent" fans we have out there, but for those of you who are, you'll get the reference... So most mornings while walking from my parking deck off Sunset to the shop, I pass this kid (I say kid, but he's prolly in his early 20s) who is always on rollerblades. I guess he skates to work or something. He's kinda cute and he always smiles at me, but yesterday he kinda freaked me out. He was dressed just like the kid in "Paranoia Agent." Right down to the shorts and red baseball cap and gold rollerblades. It was creepy. I won't be able to look at this guy the same way ever again. Or maybe he's a figment of my imagination that has taken corporeal form and I've conjured him up to help me repress something. Can't say that's a comforting thought. Oh well. If the city of LA is suddenly consumed by an oily black ooze at least you'll all know why. (Watch the show. It's fucked up, but it's good and this will all make soooo much more sense to you :) Today was sorta a weird day. I woke up really, really missing TNI. I can't believe he's already been gone for 3 weeks and is not gonna be around for 5 more. That seems like forever... I got my laundry done, but aside from that, nothing really went as planned. S-boy and I were going to do lunch and then go see the new Harry Potter movie. We only got the lunch thing done though because we had this really, really boneheaded argument. He went home and I was going to go to the movie alone, but ended up missing my showtime and the next show was sold out. Grrr. Arg. So I came home and was going to play some EQ to vent my frustration. Everything started out just peachy. I got into a good group and we laid waste to Runnyeye. I played for about 2 hours and then suddenly the server kicked me off. Ok fine. It happens. So I logged back in, picked up my group, and was promptly kicked off again. It happened 3 times and I was pissed and my group was annoyed so I finally quit trying. Turns out the reason I couldn't keep a connection was because S-boy kept trying to call me to apologize. Great. I'm glad he apologized (ok, so it wasn't really an apology per se, but he did want to say he was sorry he upset me, even though he hadn't changed his mind in regards to what we had argued about), but we got things worked out... and it fucked up my EQ karma for the day. When I logged back in later I couldn't find a decent group and was not in the mood to fight solo so I called it a night. On the bright side, at least "Samurai Champloo" is on now. I'm going to watch that and then go read the last 50 pages of "Wolves of the Calla." Tomorrow I'm doing brunch with S-boy and then going to see Harry Potter. I want to see "Walk the Line" too, but don't know that I'll be in a double feature kinda mood. Guess we'll see how the day goes. At least next week will be short. I love Thanksgiving. I look forward to my trip to Missouri all year. I'm more psyched about Thanksgiving than I am about Christmas. I really kinda wish I was staying here in LA for Christmas rather than going back to Atlanta. Is that wrong? It's not that I don't want to see the fam, and I'm sure we'll all have a great time, I just am not that excited about the trip for some reason. Oh well. That's a blog for another day (and prolly a therapy session waiting to happen). I dunno what I'd do if I stayed here anyway. S-boy and TNI will both be outta town and I'm sure HWMNBN will be going home too. Not that that should matter since I'm not supposed to be fraternizing with him these days. Dammit. I really miss him sometimes. Which is stupid. I should prolly hate him. I know this. I just can't bring myself to do it. Is this fucked up loyalty to some of the people in my life a good trait or my fatal flaw? I guess it's like the Tootsie-Pop question, and the world may never know... Well, enough ruminating for one evening I guess... My happy thing for today is my dog. Roland is so cute when he dreams. He runs in place and even barks sometimes. It makes me smile. I hope he catches whatever it is he's chasing...

"I think that all of us are born with a hole in out hearts, and we go around looking for the person who can fill it." -- Stephen King -- "The Dark Tower V: Wolves of the Calla"

The Blink Of An Eye

I know it's cliche' but it's true; that's how quickly your life can change. I see that now. I also get the whole life flashing before your eyes thing... I guess I should back up a bit. Today started out as a pretty good day. It's my favorite Indian's birthday and I talked to him for a bit this morning which always brightens my day. The weather is beautiful and totally unbelievable out here. There's no way it's November. On top of that, my beloved Santa Ana winds are back with a vengeance and there's a full moon. So I'm horny as hell, but that's ok. I can live with that... Work was dead (as expected), but I still got a lot done. I got a pleasant surprise mid-afternoon when S-boy called and said he was back in town for an audition. Woo Hoo! We're going to try and get together tomorrow. Yay! On my way home from work the day took a scary turn. I was standing on the corner of Highland and Sunset. Then some idiot in a pickup truck ran the red light. He plowed into the side of a BMW that was going through the intersection and said BMW then encountered the telephone pole that I was standing next to. I barely had time to react. Had the telephone pole not been there I have no doubt that I would not be sitting here writing this blog post. So yeah, interesting day... I'm still all about the fuzzy puppies though. Probably even more so now. My happy things for today are Orville Redenbacher Kettle Corn and Virgil's Cream Soda. They make the perfect dinner for a girl who still seems to be a little bit in shock... I guess almost getting squashed by a car will do that to 'ya... Oh! And one more disturbing thing. What the fuck were the Ducks thinking?!? Who the hell trades Sergei Fedorov for Tyler Wright?!? Nothing against Tyler, but WTF?!? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid...

"No single experience is a cause of success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - so-called "trauma" - but we make out of them just what suits our purposes." -- Alfred Adler

Fuzzy Puppies

I got up this morning and decided that I'm really sick and fucking tired of being unhappy so I'm not going to be. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do that, but I've always been pretty good at ignoring problems until they go away (or at least until they come to a head and I'm forced to confront them), so that's what I'll do here. I'm just going to choose to ignore these unhappy thoughts until they disappear. When I feel 'da funk a comin' on, I'll just think of fuzzy puppies or something. I'm pretty sure that fuzzy puppies trump the blues in most cases. Worth a shot anyway... I'm also going to start including one thing that makes me happy in every blog post... Besides, Thanksgiving is coming and Christmas after that and for once these holidays will be about what they're supposed to be about; being with family and friends and just enjoying the people I love. I seriously am not buying gifts for anyone this year. It's partially because I'm borderline broke right now and partially because I refuse to get caught up in the stupid materialism that seems to get a stranglehold on everyone this time of year. If I had some sort of "crafty" bone in my body I would make things for everyone, but my creative talents don't lie along those lines. So cards and my love and affection are it from this girl. The more I think about it, the more I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. I really miss my sister. Both of us have crazy lives these days and we hardly even get a chance to talk anymore, so even though it's going to be a short trip, at least we'll actually get to spend some time together... On a totally unrelated note, can someone please make Cartoon Network stick to a lineup on Saturday nights? They are really confusing my poor DVR. I just want to record "Inuyasha" and "Samurai Champloo." Is that too much to ask? Seems to be these days... Work was dead, dead, dead today. I suspect it will be for the rest of the year. This town pretty much shuts down for the holidays... Let's see, what other random crap can I babble about tonight? I had a damn good week on EQ. I dinged 38 with Apriori tonight. Woo Hoo! If I keep getting into good groups I should be able to get to 40 this week. Yes, I'm a dork. We all know this... For the rest of you geeks out there, go check out Brian Azarello's new comic. It's called "Loveless." It's a western and it's pretty damn good... Ok, that's enough for tonight. I need to get some sleep. It will be hard to maintain my new fuzzy puppy outlook on life if I'm all grumpy from sleep deprivation... My happy thing for today's post is the Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials. They amuse the hell out of me...

"Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad."

-- Rodgers & Hammerstein - "The Sound of Music"

Careful What You Wish For

Well, I said I was going to fly solo for awhile and it looks like I got my wish. This really wasn't what I had in mind though. I meant I didn't want to date anyone for awhile. What I got is all of my boys not being around at all :( TNI and S-boy are both out of town for at least the next few weeks and HWMNBN and I are officially "on a break" and therefore not hanging out. It sucks and I'm actually kinda angry with myself for how I feel right now. Since when do I need other people (especially guys) in my life? I've always liked being alone. With the exception of a very select people over the years I actually prefer being alone. Now all of a sudden I find myself very, very lonely and that pisses me off to no end. I'm stronger than this. I have no explanation for this stupid fucking funk that I'm in. I've been like this for awhile now. I was like this before TNI came out here and was like this to some extent even while he was here, but the last couple of weeks have been even worse. Grrrr. Arg. I need to be medicated or something. Things are actually pretty good in my life these days. I love my job. I love being in LA. Even though they aren't around physically right now, I love the men in my life and it's not like they won't be back at some point in the forseeable future. Aside from not having "that guy" in my life right now (and let's face it, I haven't had anything resembling a normal boyfriend-girlfriend kinda relationship in for-fucking-ever, so that's nothing new), my life is pretty peachy. So why the funk? No, really. I need someone to tell me because I can't explain it. I'm totally over-reacting to the state of aloneness I find myself in. Maybe I'm just homesick. I haven't seen my family in going on 6 months now. If that's the case, then Thanksgiving should help. The whole clan is going to be there and we should have a great time. Ok, enough whining for one afternoon. I hate when people do that whole "woe is me" thing, especially those people who have no good reason for doing it. Like me for instance. I'm going to go play some more EQ. I joined a new guild with Ap and they so far seem like a really fun group. Well, at least my virtual alter ego has people to hang out with these days ;) I miss you all! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." -- Orson Welles

A Geographically Challenged Nymphomaniac

Not sure what to post today, but since I'm not doing anything else, I figured the least I could do is write a blog post... I had grand plans to go see "Jarhead" and "Chicken Little" this afternoon, which I'm sure would have made for a particularly schizophrenic day at the movies, but the showtimes came and went and I wasn't motivated to leave the house... It's a beautiful day here in SoCal and I did spend some time outside playing with Roland this morning. He's been kinda blue lately but going for "walkies" always seems to cheer him up. Ahh the simple life of a dog... With the weather like it is here, it's hard to believe Thanksgiving is less than 2 weeks away. I guess that's what I get for moving to a locale that doesn't really have any discernible seasons. That's a price I'm definitely ok with paying... Not much on the agenda for the weekend. I had plans for tonight but they kinda fell through so I think I'm just going to hang out here. Maybe play some EQ. I haven't played much recently, but am sorta getting back into it now. Guess I just needed a questing break... I promised Roland we'd go do something tomorrow. If S-boy is back in town I'll prolly give him a call and see if he wants to go to Dog Beach or go hiking or something. Anything to get out of the house for a few hours... I do have an annoying headache today too. It's not really that bad, it's just sorta there. Lurking. Trying to decide if it wants to get worse. My general lack of activity this afternoon, and the fact that I probably should have had something more substantial for breakfast than a bowl of Fruit Loops, might have something to do with it as well... I'm still not used to the time change out here. Out here on the left coast it gets dark so fucking early this time of year. Here it is, barely 3:30, and twilight is already setting in. It'll be dark by 5:00. Great for all my vampire friends, but the days sure seem short for the rest of us... I had an e-mail from The Devil this morning. He just doesn't know when to quit. He's going to be in town in a few weeks and seems to think that we're going to hook up while he's here. Not bloody likely. Grrrr. Why are men so stupid? In this one's case, it's probably because my track record speaks for itself. He and I have been "on-again-off-again" so many times over the last decade that it's become almost comical... in a scary, creepy sorta way. I admit, there are times when I do miss him... well, not really him so much as sex with him. That was the one thing we were always good at together. It was like the best drug you ever could imagine and I was soooo addicted to it for longer than I care to admit. Damn but we had some crazy nights... and I have the scars to show for it. Unfortunately that's a road I just can't journey down again. That bridge washed out a long time ago and then I burned the remains of it and threw out the map of how to get there just for good measure. This is the one person that I have ever been truly afraid of, and I don't care how great that fear made the sex, I just can't chance letting him back into my life even for a night. Ya know? The fact that I even considered it for the barest fraction of a split second shows just how dangerous his hold over me was, and to some extent still is. Ah the joys of having an addictive personality... This is why I should never be bored and left to my own devices. My brain wanders off into the deep woods, and with my remarkably bad sense of direction, you just know it's going to get lost and find its way into to an amazing amount of trouble trying to find it's way back out... Wow, this post ended up quite a bit longer than I would have anticipated seeing as how I had no fucking idea what I was going to write about when I started.... To quote Jack Sparrow, "Interesting... very interesting..."

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours." -- Kate Winslet - "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"

Going Todash

Don't worry if you don't understand the title of this post. It's an inside joke amongst us gunslingers out here. It also explains my day. I got locked into this very realistic dream in the small hours of this morning and I couldn't get out of it. I even slept right through my alarm which hasn't happened in like eons. And today was a bad morning for me to sleep late. The rain rolled in over night which meant chaos and general mayhem on the freeways. So I was behind the eight ball from the time I got up and I just knew it was going to be one of those days. I'm trying to be less frivilous with what I spend money on these days so rather than stopping to get coffee on the way to work I figured I'd bring coffee beans and make my own when I got to the shop. Great idea in theory... except that I forgot to bring anything to put in the coffee. You know, sugar, creme, chocolate, etc. It's not like I can drink straight black coffee. Ick. You know how pregnant women aren't supposed to have caffeine? Well, I've determined that I can't not have caffeine and be expected to function. My whole world just seems to slip out of focus and into this fucked up un-reality. By mid-afternoon I had a pounding headache and since it was pouring down rain outside I really wasn't motivated to go to the store down the street to get a Frappucino. I finally convinced one of my reps that she really, really wanted to go and since she was going would she mind getting me something too? It was the best Frappucino ever and everything improved after I got my caffeine fix. It was still a long, dreary, wet day here in LA which makes me kinda melancholy. TNI and S-Boy are both outta town and days like this make me miss them more that I should. For a loner, I'm not very good at being alone lately. I need to work on that I guess. Damn rain seems to make me introspective too, doesn't it? Well, the rain should be gone soon. It's supposed to be a beautiful weekend.

"Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! I must have coffee..." -- Johann Sebastian Bach

P.S. - I just finished watching this week's ep of "Lost" and all I can say is, "holy shit!" This is such a good fucking show... not a happy show, but a great show nonetheless. It definitely keeps you guessing...

Fuck A Duck?

... or at least an ex one... That was my most recent personal dilemma. Touch decision, eh? Despite my recent propensity for finding myself involved with actors, it seems I still harbor some deep-rooted affinity for hockey players. It's been lying there, lurking, waiting for an excuse to come out and play. Friday night it got it's chance. It was a weird thing. Friday was cruising along like a perfectly normal day. Work was slow and I was bored out of my fucking mind, but aside from that, everything was copacetic. Then a friend of mine (one I really should not be going out with, even in a "just friends" capacity) called and asked if I wanted to go to the Ducks/Sharks game at the Pond. Normally I would have said, "no," but I've been itching to go to a hockey game and wasn't about to turn down tickets on the glass, so I went. It was actually a pretty boring game. The Sharks won 1-0 in OT. No scoring for 3 long periods and no real good penalties either, but I did get to see Selanne play and hockey is hockey, so we'll call that the upside. After the game we found ourselves hanging out downstairs waiting on a couple of players. (Did I mention that my friend knows like half the team?) So yeah, there we are waiting and who should walk by but this ex-Duck that I know from way back. I was surprised to see him 'cause last I heard his rights belonged to an East Coast team and he should have been several thousand miles away from LA, but apparently he decided not to report to his new team. (He's willing to turn down a couple hundred thou a year simply because he doesn't want to play back east again. Ok, so he's not the brightest guy I know. ) I've known this guy for over a decade and have had a serious thing for him as long as I've known him. Let's give him the "bloggiker" of Big Jim. He did a double-take when he saw me. It was great. Then he gave me a huge hug and totally freaked my other friend out. (Big Jim is a big guy, so he can be a bit a intimidating to those who don't know him.) So anyway, we chatted and caught up and the next thing I knew I was headed to a strip club called Taboo with Big Jim, my other friend (ah, fuck it, it was HWMNBN), and 1/2-a-dozen hockey players. (If anyone saw "Smallville" this past week, you'll understand how bizarrely my life can mirror fiction sometimes.) Why is it that when I hang out with the hockey set I always seem to end up at strip clubs? Still, it was fun. I definitely drank more than I should have and it was a situation that HWMNBN should not have been in and if I was a good friend I would have talked him into not going, but I wanted to spend some time with Big Jim so I didn't. So shoot me. I'm a selfish bitch. The night could have taken an ugly turn, but it didn't. There was no drama. Just good fun had by all. Did I fuck Big Jim or did I leave with HWMNBN? I'm not going to say. It's really no one's business but mine. Regardless of how the night ended, who I did or didn't sleep with, it was an interesting evening. Contrary to how I sometimes come across on this blog, I'm not quite as confident as I might seem. I have the same self-esteem issues as most of the other women out there. I've been feeling very undesirable lately (and the fact that HWMNBN called me this afternoon to tell me that he thinks we shouldn't even be friends anymore certainly didn't improve my opinion of myself), but it was kinda nice to have a bevy of really good-looking, athletic men fawning all over me, even if it was just for a night and was mostly alcohol-induced. Sometimes bad attention is better than no attention at all... or at least that's what I've told myself over and over and over again in the past and does a lot to explain the fucked up relationships I always seem to find myself in... My little Friday night adventure doesn't change my recent decision to fly solo for awhile. If anything it solidified it. I don't see some sexy white knight riding up on his horse and us riding off into the sunset any time soon. As much as I would like to have that guy in my life, I just don't think he's out there for me right now. If I think about it too hard that would probably depress me, so I guess I just won't think about it. That'll make the problem go away, won't it?

"Beware white knights, people. They don't slay dragons. They train them to suit their own dark purposes." -- James Marsters -- "Smallville"

Skullduggery

S-boy proved today that he knows me WAY better than he should. He came by to look at some stuff I'm working on for him and he brought me a gift. A life-size, dark chocolate skull. He says he saw it this weekend and thought of me instantly and just had to get it for me. Awww. I'm touched. There aren't a lot of us girls out there that would think getting a skull was cool, but I'm definitely one of the few. With some help from the other people at work, I ate the whole fucking thing. It was yummy, but I've had WAY too much chocolate today. I also had like 4 cups of coffee so had WAY too much caffeine on top of that. I'm still wired and bouncing off the fucking walls. That's not a good thing. I haven't slept well the past couple of nights as it is so I prolly should have known to lay off the caffeine and sugar, especially later in the day, but decided what the hell? I'll sleep when I'm dead. Besides, it's Halloween and it's not every day that a really hot guy brings you a skull to gnaw on. Ok, so I'm a little fucked in the head. I admit it... and honestly, I'm kind of a little proud of it. It makes life more interesting. Happy Halloween everybody!

"The lightning flashes through my skull; mine eyeballs ache and ache; my whole beaten brain seems as beheaded, and rolling on some stunning ground." -- Herman Melville -- "Moby Dick"

Beginnings and Endings

It was sorta a long week. Not a lot to report really. I just seemed to have a lot of high-maintenance, hostile people to deal with. I also made the particularly heart-wrenching decision to sell my horse. It was the right thing to do. She's too nice a horse to be standing around in a pasture getting fat and lazy and I just don't have the time and money to devote to her that she deserves. She's going to a good home and I will get a foal out of her a couple of years down the road. That didn't make the decision any easier. Mostly I try not to think about it... Wednesday night, The Naked Indian and I continued what has become our weekly ritual of going out for sushi. Did I mention that I'm really into sushi now? Not quite sure how that happened, but I'm not going to question it. I like that TNI and I have this "thing" that we do together. It's fun... Thursday I decided I really needed a day off so I called in sick and TNI and I just hung out all day. We watched some movies and read our books, and I even worked on my script a little. Not too terribly exciting, but it was a good day nonetheless... which was good, 'cause Friday was pretty crappy. Work sucked and to add to it Adam came by the shop to place a new order. He was his sweet, charming self and acted as if nothing had happened between us. That made me sad and angry both, and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. He's still a client and so I have to be nice and professional. So I was... Sigh... I also talked to HWMNBN on Friday on my way home from work. That in and of itself wasn't such a bad thing. He and I have been on pretty good terms lately, he just caught me in a bad mood and pushed some buttons he shouldn't have pushed. That got me all kinds of upset... but fuck it. I have to stop letting guys manipulate my emotions like this. I know I've been saying that for awhile now, but for the sake of my own sanity, I really need to actually do it, but I can't help it. I bitch about relationship crap a lot, but I'm also kinda tired of being alone. It's really not even about sex. If I want to, I can go out and find a different cute boy to play with every night of the week. It's more about having someone who really cares about me. Someone who'll wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me and I know he actually means it. Someone who makes me feel safe. Right now I have two really amazing men in my life. S-Boy and The Naked Indian are incredible and I don't know what I'd do without them. They are both very accepting of who I am and even humor my neurotic craziness most of the time. I love them both dearly and know they love me. I also know it's not fair to compare other guys that I meet to the two of them. I'm unbelievably lucky to have found them and to have them in my life at all and the chances of anyone holding a candle to them is slim. I just want to find someone who is as accepting of me as they are, but who also wants to be something other than just friends. I know it's a long shot, but I don't think that should be too much to ask. I thought for awhile that Adam was going to be that guy, but obviously I was wrong on that front. I guess I should just stop trying for awhile though. Some alone time might be what I need more than anything. TNI is out of town for the next few days which (for his sake) is probably good. I'm feeling a little emotionally unstable this weekend and when I get like this, the people close to me that I care about are usually the ones who end up suffering the slings and arrows of my discontent. S-boy and I had discussed maybe getting together tomorrow, but I'm thinking that might not be such a good idea either. There's no need for him to be subjected to the collateral damage of my emotional turmoil either... ok, enough of this. I'm just tired. My head is fucking killing me. I'm going to call it a night... Everybody have a great weekend...

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -- Nietzsche

Acts Of Violence

Bless me, Father. It has been nearly a week since my last confession... er... I mean post.... I have some stuff I want to talk about, but I'm not sure exactly what I want to say yet, so I'm going to put my newest relationship rant on hold until I can straighten some of this crap out in my own head... In the meantime, here are some quick movie reviews I've not gotten around to putting up:

"A History of Violence" - Viggo Mortensen at his best. The rest of the cast is good (especially a very creepy Ed Harris), but this is Viggo's movie. It's violent (read the title, duh!) and not totally predictable. It's basically an indie film, with a slightly better budget than normal, and a slightly more high profile cast than your typical indie. If you like thrillers and mob films, you'll like this one. David Cronenberg always puts out "edgey" films and this one is no exception.

"Domino" - This film could have really sucked. But it didn't. I must say it was a pleasant surprise. Keira Knightly was a bad ass. This is a very different kinda film for her and she was great in it. I've taken to describing this movie an an indie action film. There's a lot of violence and mayhem but it's shot in this ultra-saturated, high contrast way that just works. Tony Scott is a good director and the cast works well for him. Aside from Knightly, Mickey Rourke rocks. The movie is both funny and action packed, but is not for the squeamish. It's seriously violent, which in my book is a good thing, but is probably not for everyone...

"Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang" - This is easily one of the best (and probably my favorite) movies of the year so far. It's a modern-day film noir. There's a little Raymond Chadler. A little Dashiel Hammet. A little Coppola. And a little Tarantino. This film is for anyone who loves LA like I do or for anyone who has even the smallest inkling as to how fucked up this town (and the entertainment business) really is. The plot is intricate and convoluted and often unpredictable. The dialogue is witty and well-written. This film has some of the best quotes ever. Robert Downey, Jr and Val Kilmer both give nominateable performances. It's a really fun movie. It has it's violent moments, but lots of time they at least have a sense of humor to go along with them. The film is in limited release in NYC and LA right now, but opens wide next week. Go see it. It's great. You'll love it. Trust me on this one...

Perry Van Shrike: You're an idiot. You know that. You know if you looked in the dictionary next to the word "idiot" you know what you'll find?
Harry Lockhart: A picture of me?
Perry Van Shrike: No! The definition of the word "idiot". Which you are.

-- Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr - "Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang"

Froad Rage

I am a serial killer. On my way home from work last night I must have killed a thousand fucking froads (translation: frogs and toads. I couldn't tell which they really were.) It was unavoidable. They were everywhere. It was like live-action "Frogger." I felt bad, but what was I supposed to do? So aside from the mass frogicide, yesterday was way better than I thought it would be. It rained and rained and rained some more, but it was actually pretty relaxing. The fog rolling through the canyons was beautiful and amazing and we all know my thing for thunder and lightning. I didn't obssess over Colin or Adam or anything. That was good. I also decided to stop stressing over shit I can't control. Colin died. I miss him, but it wasn't my fault. I had no control over that. Adam doesn't trust me. Nothing I can do or say is going to change his mind. Being the control freak that I am, I want to be able to just snap my fingers and make everything better, even though I know I can't. I need to just keep reminding myself of that. For once, this was not my fault. I didn't do anything to fuck this up. Adam might tell a different story, but I can't (and won't) make myself crazy over this. He doesn't deserve me if he's not willing to trust me... Today was good. Kinda hectic, but good. I've got a project I'm working on with S-boy so I got to hang out with him a bit this afternoon. He really is a good guy and he's a lot of fun. He's also smart and ambitious and doesn't take shit from anybody. He knows what he wants and has a very definite plan on how to get where he wants to go. I admire him for that... Not sure what the rest of the week has in store for me. I really do want to start working on my script again. I've been off track for several weeks now. I plan to get at least a few scenes written on my western this weekend. The funk I went through last weekend should actually help. It will give me some emotional energy to feed upon and that always helps my writing... I still have some movie reviews to post, I'll try and get to those tomorrow...

"All men are not slimy warthogs. Some men are silly giraffes, some woebegone puppies, some insecure frogs. But if one is not careful, those slimy warthogs can ruin it for all the others." -- Cynthia Heimel

The Chalk Is Free

Not sure what to post, just figured I should put something up. It was a weird weekend. It wasn't bad, I've just been in this deep blue funk I can't seem to shake. It's not a surprise. I go through this every fucking year at this time, but I knew this year would be worse. Milestone anniversary and all that. I have got to learn how to stop holding onto the past. It's one of my tragic flaws. I just need to get through tomorrow and things will be better... So the weekend. Friday was good and bad. The whole Adam thing really upset me, but fuck him. I got to hang out with S-boy for a bit and then went and saw "Domino" with The Naked Indian. (I'll post a review of it later.) Saturday I worked and had a stupid fight with Adam on the phone on the way home from work which upset me even more. (Once again, let me say fuck him. I'm not putting myself through this shit over some guy anymore.) Then I went out with The Naked Indian to play some pool and get really drunk. It was what I needed to do. I just had to go out and have some fun and forget all the bullshit, even if it was just for a little while. I know I've mentioned this before, but I suck at pool. I love to play, but I am soooo bad at it. There's math involved you know. Guess I just need to practice more. Sunday turned out to be a lazy day. It was cloudy and a little cold and it took me till about mid-afternoon to shake the funk that had crept back into me, but tonight has been better. Just hanging out, watching some movies, nothing stressful or productive. Again though I think I needed a day like this. I'm so glad to have The Naked Indian in town right now. I know I haven't been too much fun lately, but he's been great. These last few days would have been so much worse without him. Tomorrow is going to suck. Hopefully work will be really busy and the day will just blow by and be over. So that was the weekend. I'll try and post something more entertaining later in the week...

"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." -- Audrey Hepburn - "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Blindsided

I have a rare weekday off today and yet I still find myself wide-awake at 7:30 in the fucking AM. Bad dreams and I just couldn't get back to sleep. Dammit. I should have stayed in bed though. Bad dreams seem to be better than reality right now. Based on the conversation that Adam and I had on Tuesday, I knew something was up there. I'm not a total idiot. Even when I'm suffering the semi-blindness brought on by a serious crush on someone, I can still see the warning signs when things start to go wrong... I just usually choose to ignore the signs. So, the e-mail I got from Adam this morning was not entirely unexpected. Doesn't make it any easier. I really fell hard for this guy, which I know was stupid, but like most train wrecks, you can't stop them even when you see them coming. I honestly don't know what went wrong this time though. I tried sooo hard to behave like an adult and not some lust-struck lunatic. I didn't rush things. I didn't just hop into bed with him, although in hindsight, maybe I should have. Dammit. A guy friend of mine told me once that I'm "the kind of girl that guys want to fuck, but not the kind of girl that guys want to date." I don't necessarily disagree with him on that, but I wanted things to be different this time. I tried being mild-mannered Angie, but looks like I wasn't mild-mannered enough. What the fuck is wrong with me? I don't think I'd be as upset if the timing wasn't so bad. Monday marks the 10th anniversary of Colin's death and so I was bound to be a little melancholy as it was. The fact that it's 7:30 and all I really want to do is start drinking so I can obliterate all rational thought for the rest of the day is not a good thing. Why do I let guys get to me like this? I'm a good person. Call me selfish, but I think I deserve to find a guy who makes me happy and doesn't care that I'm a little neurotic and crazy. But I guess that's asking too much. Maybe I'll just go back to bed. It seems better than that whole drinking myself into oblivion thing...

No real quote today. I'm not motivated to go find one... How 'bout something Adam said to me instead. "Some people are like lightning. They're beautiful to look at, but you don't want to get to close to them." Well, on the bright side at least he said I was beautiful....

Bone-ing Leagues

I guess I'll continue my theme of talking about Hollywood's little eccentricities. A phrase I've picked up recently is the term "bone-ing league." Basically it's this fucked up hierarchy of who should be allowed to sleep with who in this town. Mostly you should be able to fuck someone in your "group" or in the groups just above or below yours. Mostly the teams are what you expect them to be. The rich and the beautiful fuck the rich and the beautiful. Then there are the rest of us. The not quite beautiful that for some reason aspire to move amongst the glitterati in the hopes that some of their shiny-ness will rub off or something. Women have it better. We can group hop a bit more freely since the guys outnumber us by like a 60/40 ratio. Even before moving here I had been pretty lucky. I've been "bone-ing out of my league" for years now. The last few guys I've been with have all been prettier than me, and that trend hasn't changed since I got to LA. The interesting thing here is that lots of times the line between the groups gets a bit blurred. Back in the ATL, tales of the "Celebrity-Boink" were rare and were often cause for radio morning show fodder. Here in SoCal it's much less of a rare occurrence. More often than they prolly should, celebrities choose to wander out into the Common Lands and once there, become fair game. Put enough liquor in someone and even the biggest celebs forget who they are... and who they sleep with. Out here it's not news unless some A-lister knocks up a barmaid or some WB pretty-boy gets caught by a papparazo while face-down in some WeHo gutter... I haven't slept with anyone new since moving out here, but that hasn't been for a lack of choices... You thought I was picky about the guys I've slept with in the past? The stakes have gone up considerably. I spend day after day interacting with the pretty people of this city and let me tell you it's kinda flattering to have good-looking men hit on me... If I'd acted on the invites, some of these guys (2 in particular) would have even gotten me on the radio back home if I was the kind to name names and fuck and tell. I'm not stupid, I know most of them are "out of my league" so to speak, and are just flirting because flirting is second nature to them, but I don't care. There's always more where they came from. Wanting to get involved with the pretty people in this way it stupid. I know that. I've never really been into the superficial thing, but out here on the fault line, it's hard not to get sucked into that Narcissician way of thinking. I should be looking for some nice guy that I have things in common with... and I am... but is it so terrible that now I want him to be pretty too? I'm a fairly intelligent, semi-attractive girl and I've decided to set my sights high. Maybe I'll get lucky and find what I'm looking for. Maybe I won't. But fuck it. If I don't, I won't be any worse off than I am now, and at the very least, maybe I'll get to bone some beautiful men in the process ;) HeHeHe...

"The woman who appeals to a man's vanity may stimulate him, the woman who appeals to his heart may attract him, but it is the woman who appeals to his imagination who gets him." -- Helen Rowland

Cameo Appearances

Here's yet another weird thing I've discovered about living in Hollywood, especially with my current job. I've always over-identified with characters in certain TV shows. That has taken a certain bizarre new twist. Now I suddenly do know some of the people on these shows and so they've taken on this fucked up home-movie aspect in my brain. (Ok, so they're home movies with really big budgets, but that's really besides the point.) I've always hung out with actors and musicians and athletes and so you'd think I'd be used to watching these guys do their thing, and to some extent I am, but there's still a certain weirdness to it. A good friend of mine was on last night's episode of "Las Vegas." He did a good job, but I can't begin to tell you how strange it was. The character wasn't much of a stretch for him. He basically played an exaggerated version of himself, which I found terribly amusing, but you know in those movies like "Forrest Gump" where they impose actual footage of dead celebrities into the movie? It works if it's well done but you still notice that something is not quite right? Its sorta like that... It's been a weird week and it's only Tuesday... I got an e-mail from The Devil. (For those of you unfamiliar with my demon-lover of an ex, just check out some of my posts from last December.) I hadn't heard from him in almost a year and the e-mail was totally innocuous, but it still kinda freaked me out. You'd think I'd be past this at this point. He shouldn't still be able to manipulate me like this, but apparently he can... I was also annoyed with S-boy this weekend, but decided I was annoyed for a stupid reason so just got over it. I talked to him for a bit today and I was right, my annoyance was stupid... So now I'm annoyed with Adam... ok, not really annoyed. More frustrated. Just once I would like to fall for a guy who likes me for who I am... not that Adam doesn't. It's just that he thinks he's too conservative for me. That I'll get bored with him. WTF? Isn't that my decision to make? If he thinks I'm too aggressive (which he said some stuff that implies that he does) or if he doesn't want to go out with me (which he said is not the case), then he needs to just fucking tell me that. He did say he's not sure what he wants. Grrr... Argh... So what did I do? Well, I decided to just lay things on the line and tell him how I feel. Probably a stupid thing to do. I know, but fuck it. I did it anyway. I told him I like him. Like him a lot. I want to go out with him. I know what I want and when he figures out what he wants he should give me a call. That's how we left things. Did I mention Grrr? and Argh? I give up. If he comes around he comes around. I'm not going to drive myself crazy over this shit anymore... God bless The Naked Indian though. He's helping to keep me sane these days. He's pretty much the only guy in my life not trying (intentionally or not) to piss me off this week...

"Real love is more than a physical feeling. If there's even the slightest doubt in your head about a guy, then forget about it. It's not real." - Ethan Embry

Red Dragons

There are a couple of food-related things that seem to be requirements if you live in the state of California. Most of them involve avocados. It's like against the law or something to not like avocados, or at the very least you have to be able to consume them in guacamole form. I've tried. I still can't do the avocado thing. The other required edible is sushi. I'm not a big fan of fish when it's cooked. Why the fuck would I ever consider eating it raw?!?! Well, since I've been out here, I've been to three sushi restaurants. The first time I avoided eating anything too scary. The second time I went with HWMNBN and my brain was really not on eating, but I still ventured out and tried some California rolls (minus the avocados) and some sort of scallop something. Tonight I went out with another friend of mine and was feeling overly adventurous so I ordered these spicy tuna rolls. Shock of all shocks they were pretty fucking good. I also ate some of the salmon rolls my friend ordered. I have to admit I liked those too. What the fuck? I suddenly like sushi? The world must be spinning off it's axis. I did try an avocado again too. Still no go. Guess I'm just not that adventurous yet...

"You won't accept a guy's tongue in your mouth and you're going to eat that?" -- Judd Nelson -- "The Breakfast Club"

You Can't Stop The Signal

I know everyone has been wondering why in the hell I haven't post my "Serenity" review yet. Would you believe it's because I didn't see it opening weekend? (Wow. The sound of everyone in the Blogverse suddenly fainting is really fucking loud... in my head anyway.) So yeah, I didn't get a chance to see "Serenity" last weekend, but I headed over to The Grove with a friend of mine yesterday to check it out. There are sooooo many things I want to say about this film that I really can't without spoiling it. I will say, I LOVED IT. I LOVED IT. I LOVED IT. It may very well be my favorite film of the year so far. I was a die-hard "Buffy" fan. I loved "Angel" even more. That being said, "Firefly" was Joss Whedon's best show. Joss is an amazing writer. He writes some of the best, quippy dialogue out there. You can't help but love the characters he creates. The repartee between Mal and Jayne is classic and Wash once again steals every scene he's in. You don't have to be a fan of the TV show to go see this film. It helps, but it's not a requirement. In many ways this movie reminds me of the original "Star Wars" film. Nathan Fillion channels Han Solo in several scenes. It's a great story. It's funny and heart-wrenching. It's action-packed and quietly dramatic. This is the movie I had hoped it would be. Joss did not disappoint. He made this film for the fans and we all love him for it. I can't imagine anyone who loved the show disliking the movie. Is this the end for the crew of Serenity or will they fly again? Joss definitely left things open for a sequel, but if that never happens, that's ok. If this film is the end, then it's a great ending... but it could also lead to fantastic new beginnings... Here's hoping we have many more adventures with Mal and his crew of miscreants...

"Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: This is gonna get pretty interesting.
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Define "interesting".
Hoban 'Wash' Washburn: Oh, God, oh, God, we're all gonna die?"

Nathan Fillion and Andy Tudyk-- "Serenity"

SEATEC ASTRONOMY

It's time for a list. I haven't done one in like forever. Since I seem to have relationship crap on the brain a lot lately, I figured I'd post a list of "pointers" to any any fool out there that might have the stupid idea that he might actually want to go out with me...

13) I’m not a big fan of roses – if you absolutely have to get me roses, then they should be a blood red so dark they are almost black. Blue and crème-colored ones are ok, too. My favorites are red sunflowers and black tulips though. Orchids or purple irises are always a nice choice…

12) My dog and my horse come first – Callie will take up a lot of my free time once I get her out here and if Roland doesn’t like you, well… let’s just say I value my dog’s opinion of people pretty highly...

11) You better not have a problem with tattoos – I have 6 now and plan to have more in the future...

10) I’m a dork – I read comic books, play EverQuest, am overly invested in way too many TV shows, and see a lot of movies.... (You get bonus points if you know what movie the title of this post comes from.)

9) A lot of my friends are guys – Deal with it. I’m going to spend time with them. If you are prone to irrational jealousy, I’m going to make you crazy…

8) When it comes to vodka, I’m a Grey Goose girl all the way…

7) Valentine’s Day is stupid – Seriously. It’s like the dumbest holiday ever. (Read my post from 02.03.05 if you want to know more about my take on that.)

6) I’m a caffeine addict. If you want to make me happy, fuck flowers. Bring me coffee and dark chocolate...

5) If you call me and I don’t answer, leave me a voice-mail – One of my biggest pet peeves is people calling me and not leaving messages. I have caller id. I know you called. So leave a fucking message. Even if it’s just to say “Hi. Call me back when you get this.” or “Nothing important. Just thinking about you and wanted to say Hi.” How hard is that?

4) Don’t lie to me – I sometimes may not like the truth or really want to hear the truth, but tell it to me anyway. It will work out so much better for everyone in the long run… I don’t like secrets... Some of my past relationships have had way too many of them... Seatec astronomy...

3) I’m neurotic and a little crazy – it’s part of my charm :)

2) Be prepared to be blog fodder – I talk about my life here. I sometimes change the names to protect the innocent, but everything is fair game. Don’t take it personally and unless you REALLY piss me off, I promise to be gentle ;)

1) Surprise me – I like people who can keep me guessing. It keeps things from getting boring… and I hate boring. I like impulsive and spontaneous...

Well, now that I have successfully scared off any potential suitors, my job here is done... Hehehe... I'm really not as high-maintenance as I probably sound and I'm one of the more forgiving people you will ever meet. It's amazing the things I will overlook in the name of love. That probably makes me stupid (and God knows it's gotten me hurt more than a few times and surely will again), but I can't help it. It's just part of who I am... So, on that note, it's time to call it a night. Hope everyone is having a great week so far!

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." -- e.e. cummings

Crash and Burn

The insomnia I have been battling all week finally came to a screeching halt at about 8:15 tonight when all of a sudden a wave of sleepiness hit me like a fucking freight train. Not one to question my good fortune, I turned off the TV, shut off my lights, and climbed into bed. I slipped into beautiful, peaceful sleep... which was abruptly interrupted at 10:21 when my phone started ringing. (My own stupid fault for not shutting it off.) It was a friend of mine having a little breakdown. No matter where I go, no matter what I do, I always seem to end up as Therapy-girl. I guess people figure that as fucked up as my life gets sometimes, I must know what the hell to do when their life comes crashing down around them. Let me clear that little urban legend up right now. I don't. I really, REALLY don't. I'm a helluv a good listener, but most of the time I suck at giving advice... especially when it comes to relationships. So of course my friend's little drama this evening was relationship related... but fortunately for him it was territory I could cover. He was having a problem with his psycho ex and lemme tell you, I'm an expert in dealing with psycho ex's... So we talked and he seemed much less freaked out by the time I got off the phone with him, which is good... Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being there for my friends when they need me. (Although I'm constantly mystified as to why people would put their faith and trust in an unstable freak like me.) But of course now I'm wide, fucking awake. Grrr... Argh... Tonight the timing was just bad. I've had a pounding migraine for most of the day. It's partially hormonal, and partially the result of my recent lack of sleep. I have a Vicodin in my medicine cabinet just screaming my name right now, but I don't want to have to resort to that... I should have told him that the price for his impromptu little therapy session was that he had to come over here and pull my hair... Yes, I definitely should have told him that... That would be a beautiful thing right now... Maybe I should call him back...

"How blessed are some people, whose lives have no fears, no dreads; to whom sleep is a blessing that comes nightly, and brings nothing but sweet dreams." --Bram Stoker