No Rest For The Wicked

Aren't weekends supposed to be restful? Didn't I read that somewhere once? Well, I'm here to tell you that's a fucking lie. Don't believe it. I had the longest short weekend ever. Saturday in particular kinda stressed me out. I helped a good friend of mine move and while I didn't mind doing that, it was everything else on top of that which made it such a long fucking day. It rained. Traffic sucked. I didn't sleep well on Friday night, so I was already tired and grumpy and I spent a large portion of the day arguing on the phone with another friend of mine. That didn't improve my mood. Ok, so we weren't really "arguing," but we were definitely involved in what could be considered "heated discussion." Everything is peachy now, but despite the fact that I'm pretty open when it comes to this blog, I don't like discussing my feelings with anyone, especially a male someone that I'm kinda into. I'm a good writer. I'm much less articulate when forced to go one on one. Call me a cynic or call me a realist but relationships aren't my thing. I'd kind of sworn off of them. I can get a little crazy sometimes and in turn that tends to make the men in my life crazy as well. That can't be a good thing, right? I know I'm difficult to live with and I get bored with people pretty quickly. Maybe I'm just a commitmentphobe. Still, I really like this guy. He makes me laugh. I'm happy when I'm with him and for some odd reason he genuinely seems to like me. Go figure. I've gotten to the point that in the back of my head I keep thinking, "Well, maybe this time..." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck... When did my life get so fucking weird? I have to admit, things have definitely not been boring the last couple of months. I'm kinda curious to see what happens next...

"Love isn't about playing it safe. It's about risks. Unless you're willing to put yourself out there, you'll never know." -- Michael Rosenbaum - "Smallville"

On a sidenote. Here's my horoscope for today:

The stars have assembled a lovely planetary package for you -- the kind that makes for passion, romance and permanence. You may not be able to share the news with anyone just yet, however, due to either your current situation or theirs. But you really won't mind. Feeling this good doesn't happen often, and you won't want to jeopardize it, but you should at least think about talking it over with a friend. At times like this, there's nothing more valuable than an objective viewpoint

You've got to be freakin' kidding me. My horoscopes are usually not that freakily accurate...

What Light Is Light?

One of my best friends is up in NYC auditioning for Shakespeare in the Park. I don’t want to wish him “good luck” ‘cause that would be bad, so instead I’ll do a mental appeasement dance to the theatre gods in the hopes that his audition goes well. I’ll be very sad not to have him around to talk to all the time, but NY is where he needs to be. His destiny lies there just as mine seems to lie in LA right now. Hopefully some day our journeys will bring us back to the same town again, but for now our lives seem to have chosen to take different paths. It doesn’t matter really. We will remain extraordinary friends regardless of geography. Everything will work out for him. I just know it. We are both destined for great things. I can just sense it. Here’s hoping this is the start for him as well as for me… In honor of his audition, here’s one of Valentine’s monologues for your reading enjoyment:

“And why not death rather than living torment?
To die is to be banish'd from myself;
And Silvia is myself: banish'd from her
Is self from self: a deadly banishment!
What light is light, if Silvia be not seen?
What joy is joy, if Silvia be not by?
Unless it be to think that she is by
And feed upon the shadow of perfection
Except I be by Silvia in the night,
There is no music in the nightingale;
Unless I look on Silvia in the day,
There is no day for me to look upon;
She is my essence, and I leave to be,
If I be not by her fair influence
Foster'd, illumined, cherish'd, kept alive.
I fly not death, to fly his deadly doom:
Tarry I here, I but attend on death:
But, fly I hence, I fly away from life.”

-- William Shakespeare - "Two Gentleman of Verona" - Act iii. Sc. 1

My Little Pony

Ok. I know. I know. I know. It’s been over a week since my last post. It’s certainly not for a lack of something to write about. Things are just kinda crazy around here right now and I just haven’t had the time. A pitiful excuse, but one I choose to embrace. I do have a post that I wrote sitting in the Las Vegas airport last Saturday. It’s on my laptop at home. I swear. I’ll try and get it put up tonight or tomorrow… I went to a screening of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” on Tuesday night. I need to write my review of that as well. (The book is one of my all time favs so the movie could have really sucked, but it didn’t. I liked it. A lot. A more detailed review will come later. I promise.) What I want to talk about today is my new pony. It’s shiny and blue. Did I mention that’s it’s not a real pony? It’s a mechanical one. A Ford one. A Mustang. It’s so pretty. I had a ’65 Mustang convertible that I adored and drove all through high school (and never should have sold), but I’ve always wanted a ’68 Mustang fastback. Well, this is as close as I’m going to get to one of those for a very long while and I have to say I couldn’t be happier. It is sooooo much fun to drive. I’ve wanted one of these Ponies since they came out last fall and just wasn’t able to justify it. Well, some serious cards fell into place in the last couple of days and yesterday I walked onto the lot and bought one. The salesman came up and asked if he could help me and I said, “Yeah. I’d like to take my new Mustang for a spin.” He was like, “Your Mustang?” I just smiled and said, “Yeah. My Mustang. That blue one over there.” So we drove around the block. They appraised my truck. All the numbers worked to my liking and presto-chango I have a new car. It took just over an hour. The salesman’s eyes got really big when I told him I didn’t want to finance the car. I wanted to trade in my truck and pay for the rest. I must say that I recommend just paying for a car outright if you ever get a chance. No credit checks. No hassling. Just the writing of a check. Simple… and kinda fun. A friend told me that I’m a car dealer’s wet dream. A woman who knows what she wants and wants to pay cash for it. Hehe. And no fucking car payments. Woo and Hoo! I admit that I’m leading a charmed life right now. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it will. It’s unavoidable. Karma is a bitch and life tends to be a zero sum game. Nobody wins unless somebody loses. Let’s just hope I keep this winning streak up for a little while longer. I’ve got a potentially HUGE interview next week. I want this job so bad I can taste it. So everybody cross your fingers and toes that my luck holds out just a little bit longer. Happy Friday all!

"A horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves - strong, powerful, beautiful - and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence." -- Pam Brown

Chasing Kevin Spacey

So I'm in Vegas, baby! I'm down $120, but that's what I get for starting at the $10 blackjack tables. Tomorrow I'll play the $5 tables and at least that should keep me playing a bit longer. It didn't help that we had a really great dealer named Howdy to start but when he went on his break, we ended up with this bitch with bad karma that killed the small winning streak I had going. Oh well, better luck tomorrow... The trip from LA was fun. The weather was great and I rode with the top down the whole way. Somewhere just outside of Barstow, this shiny blue Porsche went screaming past me and when I looked at the driver, I was like, "Dude, that looked like Kevin Spacey!" The Porsche pulled over in front of me and the license plate read "SpacBoy." I had a helluv a time keeping up with him, but did a fair enough job. We barreled through the desert at about 90 mph and played car tag for an hour or so. At one point we got stuck in a constuction jam and he was trapped behind me. It was totally Kevin. So at least I had some amusement on the trip. He lost me eventually, but we picked each other back up just outside of Vegas. He got off to go to the Mandalay Bay and I headed over to the MGM. There's some stuff going on over at Mandalay that I want to check out so that's on the agenda for tomorrow. I think I'll stalk Kevin while I'm there ;)

"Listen, here's the thing. If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table, then you ARE the sucker." -- Matt Damon - "Rounders"

Distorted Reality

LA is a weird fucking place. Nothing is ever what it seems. I can’t decide if my trip out here has been a good thing or a bad thing. At the very least, I don’t know that it has really given me the perspective I was looking for. Since I got here on Saturday, I’ve spent a large portion of my time hanging out with a friend of mine who lives out here. I’ve gotten to see LA as he sees it; as he can afford to see it. It’s warping my perceptions a bit. He and I live in very different worlds. I’m debating whether or not I can afford a $500 a month studio apartment and he’s looking at multi-million dollar beach houses. This is not a judgment. It’s just a statement of fact. He is far and away one of the nicest, most grounded, down-to-earth guys I have ever met. If you didn’t know he had money, you would never know he had money. It’s just weird for me. I’m trying to determine if I can realistically afford to come back here, and hanging out with him has made that decision harder to make. I know my life won’t be like this once I move. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I will have to get a job. I will have to live on a budget. I won’t be hobnobbing with the Hollywood “In” crowd every night... I have some seriously important decisions to make in the next few weeks. In the short term, Option #1 would be the easiest and that would be to just do nothing; stay where I am now and accept my fate as a corporate slave. That’s really not a good option though, unless you all want to watch me slowly lose my mind. That might be fun for the rest of you, but it’s not something I particularly want to do. Option #2 is to quit my job and find something else to do in Atlanta. That would save me the stress (and expense) of packing up my horse and all my stuff and moving across the country to somewhere that I have no job and know virtually no one. It still leaves me unemployed and in Atlanta, so I’m thinking Option #2 is out. If I’m going to stay in the ATL I might as well be employed and unhappy rather than jobless and unhappy. This brings us to Option #3. The one where I say “Fuck it!” and throw caution to the wind and just do this. Option #3 scares the shit out of me. The thought of just letting go of everything that has become so familiar to me and exchanging it for some dimly envisioned dream of a life out here on the coast turns me to ice. I spent a couple of hours out on the Huntington Beach pier yesterday afternoon watching the surfers. While I did that, the ice melted. My brain stopped the centrifugal spinning it has been doing for weeks now. My soul just breathed in the sea and the sand and halted its meteoric plunge into the abyss that it has been on. I’m happy here. I like me here. I need to just get past these fears, no matter how legitimate they may be, and find my way back here. I know it will be hard. Everything will not be sunshine and puppies and red Mustang convertibles. Still, I think it’s the right thing for me to do. At this point, I need to worry about feeding my soul rather than padding my bank account. I would rather be happy than rich, which is good, because at this rate, I don’t think that is something I’m ever going to be ;)

“I don’t want to earn my living; I want to live.” – Oscar Wilde

That Shade of Blue

I wrote the first 10 or so lines of this poem forever ago and then stopped. I knew it had somewhere it wanted to go, but its path was unclear at the time. It finished itself the other night while I could not sleep. I jotted it down on Post-It notes while sitting on the deck at a friend’s house watching the angry waves of the Pacific crash against the shore and he slept peacefully in the other room…

Law-Abiding Ice Cream Men

The sky was my favorite color last night.
That shade of blue you just can’t quite describe.
On days like this, I could live here forever.
I know I mostly drive the wrong way
down the one way streets.
I scare the law-abiding ice cream men
who don’t believe in happy accidents or
the coincidence of memory -
and who seem to be perpetually
one block away.
I’m craving salt today, but
that doesn’t stop me from chasing the ice cream truck
down the street -
in the vain hope that
this time I’ll catch up.
Looking back over the distance I ran,
I can’t believe I got this far without passing out.
The ice cream in the cone
is soft,
and creamy,
and phallic.
It satisfies my licking fetish,
but does not fix
my salt problem.
How did I come to find myself alone
in a desert with no oasis
with ice cream running over my fingers
and melting
into my eyes?
It’s dark now.
When did night fall?
I think I may be blind.
This doesn’t feel
- or taste -
like ice cream anymore.
It’s coppery and thick.
Blood on the moon.
Blood in my eyes.
I somehow don’t think the ice cream man can save me now -
even if he does miss me
and realizes that
he left me here
all alone
and comes back
to help the bloodhounds search for my body.
It will be way past too late by then.
Do you think the sky will be that shade of blue
again tonight?
I feel the sun begin
to scorch
and bleach
my bones and
I’m not craving salt anymore.

The World According to Me

Another Saturday. Another flight west. I think we’re somewhere over New Mexico right now. It’s somewhere very deserty-looking from 32K feet up anyway… I’ve turned into a real jetsetter in the past couple of months, haven’t I? Not that I’m complaining. I love to travel and wish I had the resources to do it more often. Especially Europe. I would like to spend some time in London… and Amsterdam… and Prague. It doesn’t help that Delta’s in-flight magazine has a whole article on Amsterdam this month. Now that I am (hopefully) moving back to the Earthquake State, Europe is going to have to wait. If I travel anywhere it will be to come home to see Lindy and the family or to go visit a friend of mine who is moving to NYC. It’s going to be hard having him all the way out in NY when I’m in LA. He’s become a very dear friend and I like having him around to talk to. Hopefully his career will bring him out west from time to time at least… Of course, the next few days will be pivotal. I need to nail down this apartment thing. I need to try and secure at least some form of employment. The thought of moving without a job lined up in advance scares the fuck out of me. Doesn’t mean it will stop me from doing it. At this point, I’m not sure what would stop me. I am in a total California mindset now. I want to be back out in LA. It’s become an almost drug-like craving. I need for the puzzle pieces to fit into place. For all this to fall through now would be bad. Really bad. I have too much of my soul invested in this endeavor now. It’s kind of like when I really fall for a guy. I fall hard. I rush in with both guns blazing. There is heat. There is passion. And it’s great. Until things go badly. I get my hopes up and am left crying on the bathroom floor when it doesn’t work out. I’ve stopped doing that when it comes to men. I’ve become much more cautious. But this whole California thing feels like that. It all happened so fast. I’m just waiting for things to start to fall apart too quickly for me to be able to pull them back together. It’s like riding a Tilt-a-Whirl. The adrenalin gets going and is coursing through you so hard it’s making you sick, but man, what a fucking ride. Well, when the ride stops this time, all I can do is pray that I’ll still be able to walk… Let me clear something else up. I am NOT doing this for a guy. Yes, I have a friend out there that happens to be male and I like him a lot and we’ve become very close over the last few weeks, but contrary to popular belief, he did not prompt this sudden plan to move. I have been talking about going to LA for months (actually years) now. I found a great deal on an apartment and a place to keep my horse a few weeks back and that was my motivation to try and pull this together now. I’m not going to lie and say that his being out there is not a definite added bonus. Ultimately do I see our relationship going anywhere? No. It won’t happen. We will be great friends. We have too much in common not to be, but it won’t be anything else. Not only is he out of my league, but I don’t think we are even playing the same sport. We may have a lot in common, but we live worlds apart. I understand that. He recently got out of a long and sorta fucked up relationship. I am an amusing diversion for him right now; a shiny new toy for him to play with. As long as we salvage a friendship out of this, I’m ok with that. It’s been nice just having his attention for a little while… This has been a borderline schizophrenic post hasn’t it? Not sure why traveling always makes me muse on my life like this. Something about the journey of mind and body maybe? To quote Indiana Jones, “I don’t know. I’m making this up as I go.” That’s what my life feels like right now. I have a script. I know what my lines are supposed to be. But in the end there’s always some improvising involved and ultimately it’s all about leaving things up to the vision of the director and just going along for the ride. Here’s hoping that this little movie at least has a happy ending… And what the fuck is with all the analogies today? It’s not often that someone compares their life to a movie, an amusement park ride, and a bad relationship all at the same time. Welcome to the world in my head. It’s a nice place to visit, but I don’t think most people would like living here…

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be.” – George Sheehan

Lex-cellent

I really should be posting my review for “The Amityville Horror,” but I’m just not in the mood to write a long review of it. So here’s a brief one. It was pretty good. Ryan Reynolds rocked and is really fucking hot. The movie is worth seeing just to watch him do the whole Jack Nicholson, descent-into-madness thing… I’d much rather talk about last night’s episode of “Smallville.” I’m the first to admit that this season has been really weak. There have been 4 or 5 good episodes and all the rest have been forgettable at best. Last night was one of the good ones. Michael was in practically every scene. It was all Lex, all the time, and that’s never a bad thing. It’s all anybody has talked to me about this morning. They all want to discuss how fucking awesome Michael was. The script was not particularly well written, but he took what he got and ran with it. Here’s what Michael himself had to say about the episode:

"I'll be honest, I freaked out when I first saw this script. The first thing I do when I get a script, I don't read it, I go through and see how much I'm in it, like every other actor. ‘My line, my line, bullshit, my line.' I started looking at it and realized, 'There are 50 pages in this fucking script, and I'm in 47 of them.' I freaked out and took a Xanax."

What can I say? He’s a funny guy. If any of you missed this ep, it’s worth catching on a re-run this summer. It was called “Onyx” and it reminded me why I watch this show. Next week’s ep does not look promising. Lois is back. Ick. Michael will barely be in it. Double ick. The week after that may be ok. Lex gets to betray Clark as his ultimate descent into darkness really begins. Here’s hoping we get to see much more of Lex’s dark side next season. It makes things soooo much more interesting…

“You were right about me all along, Mr. Kent. I am the villain of the story.” – Michael Rosenbaum – “Smallville”

A Masters Serenade

So at exactly midnight my cell phone rang. It was a friend of mine out on the left coast calling to wish me a happy birthday. He had me on speaker phone, had his guitar, and sang to me. He belted out a pretty fabulous rendition of the Beatles song, "Birthday." (You know the one. "You say it's your birthday [inset guitar lick] It's my birthday too...") I don't recall telling him when my birthday was, and I don't like people making a big deal out of my birthday, but he gets total brownie points for the effort. I've got to admit, I sort of dig having a guy sing to me. It was a very "Say Anything..." kind of moment :) The midnight serenade was great and appreciated, but let's just gloss over the fact that it's my birthday and go on about our week as usual... Nothing to see here folks. Move along. Move along... Sorry I have not posted much in the past week. I just have not really had much to say. I've got a lot going on in my life right now, but I'll try to be better about posting. Right now I'm just trying to keep from pulling my hair out over a variety of things... I can't wait to get out of town next weekend. I'm going to LA for 4 days and then LV for 4 days. It should be a hell of a trip and I soooo need the time away from work... So what else to report? Some friends and I went to The Masters. We spent all day Saturday at Augusta National wading through the mud. I said we need to have t-shirts printed up that say, "I slogged through the back 9 at Augusta - April 2005" and then wear them next year when we go. Still, a good time was had by all and we saw some great golf. I'm not usually a big golf fan, but Augusta National is a great place to just walk around. It's a beautiful course. It's also fun to taunt my friends/family who are HUGE golf fans and have never been able to get tickets to go. I'm evil that way ;) My cousin is a hell of a good golfer and has a real shot at being the amatuer champion sometime in the next couple of years. How fucking cool would that be? I would love to be able to go to The Masters and actually be related to someone playing. Maybe he could even set me up with a press pass so I could take some pictures... Ok, so that's it for now. I need to get to bed seeing as how I have to work in the morning. Ick. It should be agaisnt the law to work on your birthday... even if you don't want to make a big deal out of it. But then again, I'm always looking for an excuse to get out of work. Arbor Day. Flag Day. Bastille Day. Fuck it. We should have them all off...

"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." -- Robert Frost

Spiritus Mundi

I'm just so fucking tired again today. Yesterday kinda sucked. I feel like I spent the whole day running in circles and that no matter what I did I just couldn't make anyone happy. Fuck 'em. Today will be better. I will it to be so... So for today you get more poetry. This one is not mine. It's W.B. Yeats. It's one of my favs... I swear I will try to come up with something interesting to post tomorrow...

The Second Coming

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the sands of the desert.

A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Demon Rabbits From Hell

Not feeling very creative today so here's a poem I pulled out of the vault in my head since I can't think of anything else exciting to post... Besides, I figure what the fuck? I haven't shared any poetry in awhile :)

I dreamt about the rabbits again.
I hold Joss responsible…
(Although, come to think of it,
Hazel & Fiver & Blackberry
probably had something to do with it as well.)
I don’t know why I dreamed them.
I don’t particularly like rabbits…
(nor dislike them for that matter), but
sometimes they seem to get inside my head
(like that damn “Fraggle Rock” song), and
they won’t go away.
It’s way past Easter and these bunnies
should be gone.
Back to Watership Down, or Hell, or wherever
it is they came from.
So, go away rabbits.
(To a Galaxy far, far, away preferably)
I don’t want to get a cat.
I just want to sleep…
(To sleep and not to dream)

Good and Gruesome

As all of you already know, I’m a huge comic book fan. I have been since I was a little kid. While most other girls were playing with Barbie dolls, I was buying comic books. I read a little of everything (Marvel, DC, Dark Horse, the tiny little independent labels, etc). That being said, I never really got into Frank Miller’s noir graphic novels, “Sin City” until recently. I picked up one book a few years back but it was in the middle of the series somewhere and although I liked it (you can never go wrong with Frank Miller), it just didn’t excite me enough to really get into the series. When I heard that Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller were going to do an adaptation of these books, I got more interested. So I went back to the beginning of the series and started reading the books. I was hooked. They are dark and violent and gritty. Pulp fiction. Film noir. Really fucking great works. Rodriguez was the perfect choice to direct this. I like his work a lot. He’s a great filmmaker who plays by his own rules and doesn’t let the big studios tell him what to do. He’s a visionary. A revolutionary... So the film opened this weekend. I of course went and saw it. Twice. I loved it. You could tell from the trailers that visually the film was going to be stunning and it was. It is a live action comic book. The Marv story in particular was frame for frame out of Book 1. The casting was great. I approved of every choice that was made - except maybe for Britney Murphy. She was particularly annoying to me for some reason – Mickey Rourke was the definite standout though. He was Marv... Clive Owen demonstrated that he really can act when given the correct material... Benicio Del Toro was brilliant as usual and managed to pull off creepy and funny at the same time... Hartigan is the type of role that Bruce Willis was born to play. He's got that tortured cop thing down pretty good now... It was a little disturbing to see Alexis Bledel go from playing sweet, little Rory Gilmore to playing an Old Town prostitute, but she was really good... Then there was Elijah Wood. I adore Elijah and I loved his character, Kevin. He was one of my favorite characters in the books and Elijah was the perfect choice to play him. Good career move. He went from playing a Hobbit who saved Middle Earth to a serial killer who eats prostitutes. I don’t think type-casting is anything he’s going to have to worry about :) Is it wrong for me to say that I thought he was really hot in this movie? Probably. So I won’t. Just pretend I didn’t say anything… This is not a movie for everyone. It’s black and white (mostly). It’s bloody. It’s gruesome. It’s film noir on a bad mescaline trip. It is not for the squeamish or the faint of heart and I loved every fucking frame of it.

“It's time to prove to your friends that you're worth a damn. Sometimes that means dying, sometimes it means killing a whole lot of people.” -- Clive Owen - "Sin City"

In A Quandry

Can someone please explain men to me? Right now I have 2 guys in my life (family excluded) who I absolutely adore. The rest of the male species can go fuck themselves. I’m not going to go into an elaborate explanation of what prompted this little epiphany. Suffice it to stay that men are stupid. They are reactionary. They can escalate a heated discussion into something even uglier. I’m not saying women are much better. We are the fuel that feeds these rages. I know that. I’m not stupid and I’m certainly not innocent or blameless. Mainly I’m just disappointed. I often try to convince myself that we live in a civilized society and on the surface maybe we do. But we don’t. Not really. Underneath it all, those dark, primal urges lie in wait and eventually they always rear their ugly heads. It’s unavoidable. Confrontation is in our nature. We strike out in anger and the people that always get hurt are the ones closest to us; the ones in our direct line of fire. It’s not fair. It’s not right. But I don’t think it’s going to change… Sorry, just needed to do some vague ranting today. Let some demons out. Go see “Sin City” this weekend. It’s all about violence and primal urges. It should be a hell of a ride... If you want to read something funny, go check out Google's April Fools Day joke.

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side." -- Yoda

Back On The Fault Line

Welcome to the fault line of my life; where everything just keeps getting stranger and stranger. Most of you probably already know this, but barring some sort of natural disaster (a global ice age, alien abduction, California falling into the Pacific, etc), it looks like I am moving back to Los Angeles the end of May. I’ve been talking about doing that for as long as I can remember. I grew up out there and since leaving, have always missed it on some level. I admit to having sort of a love/hate relationship with the City of Angels. There are things about it that definitely make me crazy, but at the same time I think it is the place my soul is tied to. I can’t really explain it, but it’s where I feel I’m supposed to be… at least at this crossroads in my life. Maybe that’s a temporary thing. Maybe I’m just suffering from Wanderlust. Maybe I just want to get out of Atlanta so badly that I’m trying to justify my escape in any way that I possibly can. I’m ok with that. Call me Horatio Alger. Call me Jack Kerouac. Call me Roland the Gunslinger. I just know that right now my road lies to the West. (Along the path of The Beam for you “Dark Tower” fans.) I found a great apartment on a cool estate that will let me bring my horse along. It was serendipitous. I call that Fate and I’ve learned not to fuck with Fate. Fuck that I don’t have a solid job lined up. I will find something temporary to pay the bills while I search for the job that I really want. At least I will be a local then and can be there to interview in person for said jobs when they come up. One of my brother’s friends said recently, “You can be unemployed anywhere. You might as well be unemployed in a place that makes you happy.” I like that idea. I think I’ll keep it and run West with it…

"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles." -- Frank Lloyd Wright

Curse of the Werewolf

As promised, I went and saw the movie “Cursed” this weekend. I love werewolf stories so I keep hoping that someone will make the next great werewolf movie. Sadly, this was not it. I had not heard good things about this movie so I wasn’t expecting much. In that respect I was not disappointed. It was not horrible, but it will definitely not go down in the books as a horror classic. I don’t see myself buying this one on DVD even though Michael Rosenbaum is in it. He’s awesome in the handful of scenes that he has, but he’s not in it nearly enough. (If you want to watch Michael in a horror film, go rent “Urban Legend.” He’s great in that movie and has a lot more screen time.) I generally like Christina Ricci, but this was not one of the highlights of her career. She was ok, but the script was weak so she really didn’t have much to work with. The story had potential, but in the end it didn’t deliver. It turned out to just be a typical, predictable, teenage slasher flick.

"Midnight, and the clock strikes. It is Christmas Day, the werewolves birthday, the door of the solstice still wide enough open to let them all slink through." -- Angela Carter

Going To The Chapel

Two of my best friends are getting married this weekend. Clare and Erich have been together for several years now and they're just the greatest couple. I'm so happy for them. Marriage is not for everyone - and probably not for me - but they're going to be great and live happily ever after, just like in the faerie tales. I can just feel it... Anyway, last night was Clare's bachlorette party. It was not a go to a strip club, drink till you can't walk, kind of affair. Which was good. (After the day I had at work yesterday I really wanted to just getting fucking hammered and this gave me an excuse not to do that. As much fun as drowning my troubles can be, I need to stop doing it.) So, we all went to "Wired and Fired" and made pottery pieces for the happy couple to put in their new apartment. It was a lot of fun and gave me a creative outlet to focus my frustrations on. After pottery we headed out for a late dinner at THE place to be seen here in Atlanta. "Two. Urban Licks." I'd been wanting to try this restaurant out since it opened like 8 months ago. The buzz about it has been great. It's very trendy and has a New York kind of vibe to it. The reason to go is for the atmosphere. There is bizarre art on the walls and it's edgy and kind of Goth. The food was good, but not as good as I expected. Until dessert. I had a chocolate cream pie to die for. I wanted to bring it home, spread it all over a really hot guy, and spend the rest of the night licking it off of him. I mean DAMN... We spent like 3 hours at dinner and a good time was had by all. I took today off to recover, but since all I had to drink was an apple mojito and a little bit of wine, there is nothing to recover from. So I just get a free day off from work. Which I need after yesterday. Spending today sitting next to my boss would not have been a good thing for me. It would probably not have been good for her either. I don't hate many people in this world. She is slowly but surely making her way onto that list. They are soooo going to miss me when I'm gone :)

"Only choose in marriage a woman whom you would choose as a friend if she were a man" -- Joseph Joubert

Into the Woods

I keep telling myself, “Listen to your heart. Fuck the consequences and the naysayers and just do what you want to do.” So why is it that no matter how many times I tell myself that, it just seems crazier and crazier? Although it sounds romantic and idealistic, it also sounds impulsive and irrational… but when someone else tells me basically the same thing, it seems more like sage advice. Maybe it’s because I have no faith in myself and my abilities but some of my friends seem to. I don’t know anymore. I’m just babbling here and part of the advice I got was to stop “pandering” to my audience. Write what I want to write whether it’s here in my blog, or in my screenplay, or in my badly neglected novel. Just do what I want to do and ignore the people who tell me that I can’t do something. Fuck them. Live without fear. Live without regret. I need to just sit down and evaluate my priorities. What do I want to do? Where do I want to go? I had this discussion with two different friends yesterday and I couldn’t answer those questions – for them, or for myself. I think I’ve known those questions were out there, just waiting to be answered, but I’ve been avoiding them. It’s so much easier to just let day after day slip by and not do anything. Not make any changes. Say I’ll make changes tomorrow. That’s why I am where I am. I’m standing still while the world moves on around me. I’m about to be 34 and as I move further and further along the chronology of my life I find it harder and harder to make any radical decisions about the future. It gets scarier. Those fucking “what ifs” that I hate so much keep creeping into my thought making process. Some might consider that wisdom. I consider it a kind of spiritual suicide. I want to still be the girl who blindly rushed headlong into the fray and never looked back. I was that girl for a long time, but somehow she got lost in the woods. I’m not sure what wrong turn I took to get to where I am now, but it’s dark and cold and I don’t much like the scenery. I’m all about a good adventure, but there are dark things lurking in this forest, and I’d kind of like to avoid them if I can. I think that is going to require a leap of faith on my part. Just run like hell in the general direction I want to go, know that I have a few good friends looking out for me, be confident that I have the abilities to get myself where I need to go, and don’t look back on the monsters that may be trying to follow. The world is round; I’ll get there eventually, right? (I guess I should throw my standard little caveat in here. I’m not in a bad mood. I’m just tired and feeling self-reflective. I was up way too late last night. I blame those damn left coast friends I have ;)

“Life is a journey, Clark. I don’t want to go through it carrying a road map.” – Michael Rosenbaum – “Smallville”

Black Helicopters

I came in to work today fully prepared to be productive. I did not get nearly as much done yesterday as I would have liked, but I could write that off as a “catch up” day since I was out on Friday and Monday. So I got here, read some e-mail, had some coffee, and lost all motivation to do anything at all. That’s not really a good thing. I do have stuff that needs to get done today. It doesn’t help that I can look out the window from my desk and see that it’s going to be a beautiful fucking day today. I need to close the blinds and pretend its raining or something… On a side note, the other problem with having a window near my desk is that a black helicopter just flew past. That’s my 2nd one today. I saw another one on the way in to work this morning. Lindy and I just had this discussion 2 days ago. It’s too soon for them to be following me again. I almost feel compelled to go to the bookstore at lunch and buy a copy of “Catcher in the Rye” now :) Mind you, I really have no other plans for the day, but I’m sure I could find something to do if I wasn’t here. Hell, I could pack up the Alienware and head over to Piedmont Park and work on my screenplay while the helicopters circle above me. (If you don’t get the black helicopters thing, you don’t see nearly enough movies.) I can think of nothing else to post today. Steev sent me this great link yesterday. It’s very therapeutic. Go check it out if you’re bored - http://www.doodie.com/whack.php

“A good conspiracy is unprovable. I mean, if you can prove it, it means they screwed up somewhere along the line." -- Mel Gibson - "Conspiracy Theory"

God Bless The Irish

Let’s talk about Irish Car Bombs. (The drink. Not the terrorist activity.) Have you had these? I’m not a beer drinker, so I never in a million years would have tried one had I not been goaded into it by several very cute men. The fact that I’d already consumed 4 or 5 espresso martinis might have had something to do with my willingness to try them too. So I don’t know if there is an “official” Irish Car bomb recipe or not, but the ones I was drinking on Saturday night were ½ a pint of Guinness, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of Irish whiskey. A couple of these and I could barely remember my name, let alone the fact that I was in Seattle, drinking with a bunch of guys I barely know, and that I do not have the ability to play pool. (They at least had the good sense to take the darts away from me. Lot of alcohol and sharp little projectiles do not mix well when it comes to me.) One of the guys attempted to help me with my billiards game and I actually almost won a game with his assistance. He then decided to show me “how a real pool player does it,” and proceeded to run the table. He had the break and the guy he was playing with never even got to play. It was most impressive. Of course I’m always impressed by people who can play this fucking game. I’ve improved some recently, but there’s still way too much math involved. That’s why I only play when I’ve been drinking. Alcohol helps to make me forget that I suck at math. So anyway, a good time was had by all. Any night you can spend in an Irish pub drinking and playing pool with a bunch of friends, I call a night well spent.

"The Irish don't know what they want and are prepared to fight to the death to get it" -- Sidney Littlewood

Living On The Edge

I think I’ve figured out what it is about Seattle (and LA, and San Fran, and to some extent NYC) that I like so much. It’s the water. I miss the fucking ocean. I’m not a laying out on the beach to get a tan kinda girl, but I still love the sand and the surf and just the natural finality of it all. There is something about living on the very edge of somewhere; a place where you can’t go any further without falling into a watery abyss. I get the symbolism of it. I know why I’m drawn to these places. The dreamer in me loves to look out across the water and wonder what, if anything lies beyond. Is someone like me on the other side? If we had the vision, where would our glances meet? Some cosmic intersection over an expansive blue void? It’s kinda nice to think that might be so. Reassuring in a fucked up sorta way… for me anyway… It rained just about the whole time I was here. This morning it is beautiful, but there are storm clouds swarming in the distance. I don’t care. I’m not a big fan of rainy days, but the rain here was different. It seemed right, not harsh or vengeful or destructive, just natural. I know my general good will toward Seattle is partially an illusion. I had a really great time here and so it was the circumstances of my trip and not necessarily the setting that has put me in my current state of mind. Until tomorrow when I have to trudge back into the office, all is right in my world. I’m sure if I lived here and was a corporate whore at Microsoft or Starbucks or wherever I’d be just as miserable as I am back home in Atlanta… again, circumstances dictating my reaction to my environment. So anyway, I think I need to put a beach on my list of requirements for my next location. Something within driving distance of a major body of water. That being said, watch me get a job offer in Montana or Wyoming or something. I guess I could compromise. Mountains have a similar appeal to me as oceans do. Besides, they have some big ass lakes in Montana. Once you get past the fact that most of the lakes are frozen solid 6 months out of the year, you can pretend it’s the ocean ;) The people at the gate next to me are headed to Oahu. Hawaii would be ok. Lots of ocean to go around and they’ve got fucking volcanoes to throw into the mix. Maybe I need to go visit. You know, just to check it out. Make sure that’s not where my soul really belongs. Maybe my destiny lies in Wai-kiki. I could definitely think of worse places to be drawn to. Don’t I owe it to myself to at least go check it out? A road trip to Hawaii… Hmmmm… Now there’s a thought… Think Delta will let me change my flight? I’d much rather wake up in HI tomorrow having to surf than back in the ATL having to work…

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." -- Maya Angelou

What Happens in Seattle Stays in Seattle

To quote the Greatful Dead, "What a long, strange trip it's been." I honestly don't know where to start. There are things I can relay about this little adventure and things that are best left unsaid. I think that the less said the better. Suffice it to say I've had a really good trip. I got some great pictures at the hockey game yesterday. You can check them out on my website if you'd like to see them. The game was a lot of fun and I did some serious drinking with some friends of mine afterwards. Drinking always seems to get me into trouble and this time was no excepetion. Just use your imagination. Trust me, whatever you can come up with won't even be close to what went down. I'm ready to get home now though. I even tried to get a flight out this evening so that I wouldn't have to wait until tomorrow to come home, but no such luck. Both red eyes from SEA to ATL were booked solid. Apparently a lot of people wanted to get out of this city tonight. It's been raining on and off since I got here. Big surprise. Still, I have to admit I'm kinda digging it here. Seattle has proven to be a very interesting town. I think I'll have to pay it a visit again in the future. Maybe next year for the 2006 Microsoft Hockey Challenge :)

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." -- Dr Seuss

Wanted: Rogue Demon Hunter

Somebody please explain to me why the fuck I’m at the airport at 6:30 on a Saturday morning. Oh that’s right, I’m fucking insane. There aren’t many people I’d be willing to get up before the crack of dawn (on a Saturday no less) and fly across the country for, but there is a certain criminal mastermind that is definitely one of those people :) My flight isn’t until 8:30 so I’m way early. I normally take MARTA to the airport but chose not to this time and so I allowed myself way too much time this morning. Oh well. An extra ½ hour of sleep probably wouldn’t have made much difference... I’ve determined what it is I miss the most about having a full-time boyfriend. It’s not the sex. It’s not the knowing I’ll have a date for weddings and major holidays. It’s not the getting my family off my back about not having “someone special” in my life. It’s having someone lying next to me on those really bad nights when the nightmares just won’t go away. There is something to be said for having someone wrap their arms around you and tell you it’ll all be ok; someone to chase the demons away. There aren’t many times when I feel that I really need someone in my life. The nights when the really dark dreams come are one of those rare instances. I’m generally pretty self-reliant. Independent. I like my alone time and not much scares me, but sometimes even I’m afraid of the dark. I don’t know what triggered the dreams last night. (It certainly wasn’t going to see “The Ring 2” with my brother and sister-in-law. The movie was very not scary. I was sooooo disappointed.) But the dreams were bad. Violent. I hardly slept at all. By the time I finally did fall asleep it was time to get up and head out to the airport. I should have just stayed up and played EQ all night… I get the feeling this is going to be a fucked up weekend. I haven’t done a crazy road trip like this in a long time and I normally don’t go alone. I usually have Lindy along to keep me out of trouble. It’s slightly crazy and a little impulsive, but it was just something I needed to do myself… One thing I will say about these early morning flights, it sure brings out the pretty people for some reason. I’m sitting at the gate with probably a ½ a dozen guys that are just too cute for words and more just keep walking past. I wonder why that is. I’ll just imagine them all to be wealthy jet-setters on their way to some party in Prague; people with lives more interesting than mine. I would be so good at being independently wealthy. Someone just needs to let me prove that. If I bat my eyes and smile coyly at them do you think they’ll take me with them?

"An artist is a creature driven by demons. He doesn't know why they choose him and he's usually too busy to wonder why." -- William Faulkner

Wishing I Was Sinning

Not a lot to report this morning except to say that I’m really annoyed that I’m here at work and not at the screening of “Sin City.” I checked my e-mail at like 10:30 last night and had nothing from the guy I was hoping to get passes from. So I got up this morning, came in to work, checked my e-mail and sure enough at 10:50 last night I got an email saying he was putting my name on the list to get into the screening. Dammit. The screening is at 10AM. I would have had to call out sick again (which I would have been more than happy to do) except that by this point I was already at work and obviously not sick. Grrrrr. Arg. Oh well. I suppose it won’t kill me to wait a couple more days to see it… My impromptu day off yesterday was great. I didn’t do much of anything; which is just what I needed. I did get my resume updated and sent out for the jobs I’m applying for. Everyone cross their fingers and toes that I at least get interviews for some of them. For those of you familiar with Jimi Hendrix’s song, “All Along The Watchtower,” the opening lines of that song has been echoing through my head for weeks now. (“‘There must be some kinda way outta here,’ said the joker to the thief. ‘There’s too much confusion here. I can’t get no relief...’”) That’s my state of mind right now. Good song though. I don’t mind having that one stuck in my head… I hung out with the family last night. My brother and sister are in town so the whole lot of us got together for dinner at my mom’s. I had not seen my nephews since Thanksgiving. Ethan (the 18 mo old) is becoming a little terror. He is the polar opposite of his mild-mannered 4-year-old brother, Bennett, who is the sweetest kid you could ever meet. It’s really funny to watch them interact. It was great having everyone together even if it was only for a couple of hours. My sister, Shannon is one of my best friends. I don’t get to see her nearly as much as I’d like. Chatting on AIM just isn’t the same as actually getting a chance to hang out together and talk, ya know? My family is nuts, but I love them… Well, I actually have work to accomplish today, especially since I’m jetting off to Seattle this weekend and won’t be back at work until Tuesday, so I guess I should get to it. I've been fucking around for the 2 hours I've been here already and can't really put it off any longer. I’m not all that motivated to do any of it, but since I’m not looking to actually get fired today, I guess I need to do it anyway...

“Dream as if you’ll live forever, and live as if you’ll die tomorrow.” – James Dean

Clothing Optional

So I called out "sick" today. That's partially true. The thought of getting out of bed, putting on clothes and makeup and whatnot, and actually driving in to work was making me feel kinda ill, so I decided to just not go. I knew my boss would probably be back and in a bitchy mood. I would find myself hiding out in the South Tower or trying to come up with a good excuse to leave early, and it just wasn't fucking worth the stress... It's a dark, chilly, ugly day here in the ATL. A good day to just lie in bed naked with the electric blanket cranked up and not do much of anything but listen to the rain fall and dream illicit dreams. In fact, I'm seriously considering not getting dressed at all today. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do until tonight when I have to go to my mom's house for dinner. I suppose I'll get dressed for that. Generally speaking, clothing in not considered optional at my family gatherings. My mom usually prefers all members to be at least partially attired. Go figure. Until then, I'm just going to hang out here. Maybe work on my screenplay that I haven't touched in weeks. Maybe watch "Office Space." Maybe play some EQ and try to make up some of the debt I picked up yesterday. (My poor little shaman got fucking hammered in the Thundering Steppes last night. I apologize again to my group for that. It was ugly.) I need to make some "tweaks" to my resume too. I found a couple of jobs out in LA that I'm going to apply for and I need my CV to just scream "Hire me!" so that I can get the fuck out of Atlanta. I feel the West Coast calling me home. I just have to find the way to get back there... So if any of you are bored and miss me, just hit me up on AIM if I'm logged in, or call my cell or whatever. Some of you are even welcome to come over to my place for lunch if you would like. I might even get dressed if I know I have company coming.... or not ;)

"Being naked approaches being revolutionary; going barefoot is mere populism" -- John Updike

Coming Soon

I honestly can’t think of anything to write today, except to say that Woo Hoo! my boss is not coming in to work! Yippee-fucking-Skippee! An unexpected day of freedom for me. It's almost like getting a snow day from school :) Go watch some movie trailers or something. Here are 13 suggestions:

Batman Begins
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
Sin City
Kung Fu Hustle
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Corpse Bride
Episode 3
Mr and Mrs Smith
War of the Worlds
Kingdom of Heaven
Winter Solstice
Millions
Unleashed

"You know what your problem is? It's that you haven't seen enough movies. All of life's riddles are answered in the movies." -- Steve Martin - "Grand Canyon"

Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting

I love cheesy martial arts movies. There. I’ve admitted it. I’m not talking about films like “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and “Hero.” Those are great movies that happen to have martial arts aspects to them. No, I’m talking old Bruce Lee, Jackie and Charlie Chan stuff. Films that came out of Hong Kong in the 70s. Stuff that inspired Tarantino to make "Kill Bill." They can be funny or violent or both. Movies with no real plots, just great fight sequences. There’s a film called “Kung Fu Hustle” coming out next month that’s going to be really fucking funny. I’m willing to bet I’ll go see it. So anyway, last night I went and saw “Ong-Bak.” I had heard good things about this movie and I have to say I was not disappointed. The basic plot is that a small Thai village has the head of their Buddha statue stolen. This kid named Ting volunteers to go to Bangkok to get it back. Much fighting ensues. The actor who plays Ting is a hell of a fighter, which is a good thing because he certainly can’t act. There’s something about him that reminds me of Tom Welling from “Smallville.” This guy is Tom’s long, lost Thai cousin or something. Don’t go into this film expecting anything other than awesome fights and great chase scenes. The story is thin at best. Still, it’s a funny movie and for action junkies it more than comes through. If you’re into “Chop Suey,” kung-fu kinda movies, then I’m sure you’ll like this one.

"When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, looks you crooked in the eye and asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol' Jack Burton always says at a time like that: "Have ya paid your dues, Jack?" "Yessir, the check is in the mail." -- Kurt Russell - "Big Trouble in Little China"

Hedging My Bets

So headache and all I went over to lawyer-boy's place last night. I've been watching too much "Angel" lately. Every time he says something about "the senior partners" I find it horribly amusing. I tried to explain it to him, but he didn't see the humor in it. Guess you have to be a fan of the show.... So anyway, it turns out he lives at the Four Seasons. That's like 2 blocks from my apartment. I find it kind of strange that he lives so close to me. I drive by there practically every day and had no idea. He cooked me dinner and we hung out and watched a movie. He's very cute and very charming and for some reason I'm just not attracted to him. I still don't get why not. I'm also not quite sure why I went over there. I guess I was bored and figured I would play nice. You never know when you might need a lawyer or a rich friend to bail you out of something :) If he wants to hang out and be friends, I'm fine with that, but made it very clear to him that I'm not interested in us being anything other than friends. He said he was ok with that, but I think that he thinks he can change my mind. Today he invited himself along to go see my horse and then we went and test drove a new Mustang. He didn't seem impressed with it, but then I guess when you drive a $400K Porsche, a $25K Mustang just doesn't do it for you. He was actually kind of a snob about it. I had forgotten how arrogant he can be sometimes. Maybe this whole being friends with him thing won't work out either. He really annoys me sometimes. He just thinks he's better than everyone else and that gets really old, really fast. I guess I'd better hope he never reads this blog. That would be bad, but it would definitely mean I wouldn't have to worry about him calling and asking me out again...

"No gold-digging for me... I take diamonds! We may be off the gold standard someday." -- Mae West

Neon Green Giraffes

At some point during the night, a very large orc, with a very large hammer, drove a very large spike into my head. That is the only explanation I can come up with for this killer migraine that I just can not fucking get rid of. I have taken pretty much every drug known to man today and this thing still will not die. When you can't kill a headache with Percoset you got to start thinking brain tumor. I wish I could blame it on the wine I drank last night at dinner, but this is not a wine headache, and honestly I didn't drink that much... I guess I should back up here and give a bit of background, so here's the deal. I finally caved and went out with the guy I mentioned a couple of weeks ago. The one who said he'd let me drive his Porsche. He called me last night, said we had reservations at Fogo de Chao at 8:00, and that he was on his way over to pick me up. I'll say this for lawyer-boy, at least he's decisive. So he showed up, tossed me the keys to the Carrera and off we went. I've driven Porsches before. I love them. But this was different. Driving a Carrera GT is like driving a fucking spaceship. A spaceship that cost almost 10 times what I make in a year. A spaceship that cost more than most people pay for a house. It goes really fast and is a lot of fun to drive, but I can't even begin to imagine spending that kind of money on a car. So, dinner was fine. The food was excellent and we had some great wine. I'm sure it was expensive, but I'm not much of a wine drinker, so it's excellence was probably wasted on me. I do know enough to realize that when it says "Chateau Lafite Rothschild" on the bottle, it wasn't cheap. Aside from the food, dinner was boring. Being rich does not make people interesting. Once we had discussed the psycho-killer running amok in the city, he went into a long dissertation on the exciting world that it corporate law. YAWN. It's a good thing I was drinking. By the time we finished dessert, I was more than ready to get out of there and come home. So I explained that I'd had a long day at work (not entirely true), that I had a killer headache (not true at the time), and that I just needed to get home and get some sleep (ok, that part was true). Maybe my headache today is my punishment for lying about having one last night. So we came back to my place. He kind of hinted that he wanted to come in and stay the night, but at that point I was soooo not interested, so I played dumb, kissed him good night, and that was that. I must be a fucking idiot. Why am I only attracted to men who are bad for me? Lots of women marry for money. Why am I not one of those women? Maybe I'm just not that shallow. I don't know. I guess it doens't really matter. He's called me 3 times today. I have not called him back yet. I'm just not in the mood to deal with it right now... Which brings me back to my migraine. Here it is, 8:00 on a Saturday night and I should be out doing something, and yet here I sit in front of my computer posting to my blog. I can barely see out of my left eye at this point and I have a stuffed giraffe pressed against my forehead because it feels good to have it there. Maybe I should just take some more drugs and go to bed. What I really, really want is someone to pull my hair. I know that probably sounds weird, (not as weird as the giraffe comment, I'm sure) but it works. It's an accupressure kinda thing. It releases endorphins or something. Seriously, I'm not making this up. Sex might work too, but honestly, right now I'd rather have my hair pulled...

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain." -- Jim Morrison

I Was Just About To Tell You To Shut The Fuck Up

First off, if you don't know where the title of this post came from, then go home right now and watch "The Usual Suspects." Seriously. Stop what you're doing and go watch it... Now, I don’t want this to be a heavy post, but I get the feeling it may trend that way if I'm not careful. So I'll try to tread lightly, but let me put a little caveat here first. I’m not in a bad mood. I’m actually in a fairly good mood and have been for the past couple of weeks. I have some great friends to thank for that. I know I’ve been quieter than usual lately and for me that’s saying a lot, since I’m generally pretty quiet anyway. If I talked any less you might think I was catatonic ;) Just call me Verbal Kint. (See, "The Usual Suspects" thing comes up again. I'm telling you, it's a great fucking movie. Go watch it. If you've already seen it, go watch it again.) My quietness doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, it just means I haven’t had a lot to say… So, that being said, let’s talk about what I’ve decided is a plot to have me committed… Being miserable because of my job does not make me crazy. In fact, I think it goes a long way towards proving that I’m not crazy. I’m normal. Normal people hate their jobs, are unhappy at their jobs, want better jobs. Don’t they? Still, it has been suggested to me that I may be bordering on clinical depression and should maybe get some help. There is a clinical trial about to ramp up at Emory that is going to compare the use of St John’s Wort to the use of Zoloft. These same people who seem to think that I may be clinically depressed, also seem to think I need to participate in this aforementioned trial. Have I really gone that far around the bend? Do I need to be medicated? If I could be sure that I would be getting the SJW or the placebo I might be willing to try it. Free psychotherapy might not be a bad thing. The Zoloft part makes me really fucking nervous though. I was leery of drugs like that even before Prozac caused a friend of mine to blow his head off a few weeks back. I’m thinking that if suicidal tendencies are a known side effect of a drug, it probably should not be on the market anymore. Maybe that’s just me. Granted, a lot of depressed people are suicidal already and in many cases these drugs have curbed the impulses. Yay for them. I’m not suicidal, have never been suicidal; don’t want to chance taking a drug that might make me suicidal. See. Not crazy. Perfectly logical, rational reasoning going on there. I can think of much better cures for depression. A new job. Great sex. Lots and lots of chocolate. Caffeine. Killing things on EQ2. Playing with my horse. Getting the hell out of Atlanta. The alternative therapies are vast… Still, I’m kinda tempted to at least go to the initial consultation. It might make for a good blog post. Unless of course they decide I really am crazy and just go ahead and lock me up. That would solve my having to come to work problem though. You think being locked up in a padded room in a straight jacket would qualify me for FMLA?

"Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives." -- Chuck Palahniuk - "Fight Club"

Hellblazer's Excellent Adventure

I have an impromptu movie review to write. Due to the fact that I have apparently lost the ability to read a TV schedule, I found myself with some free time on my hands last night. I had gone over to a friend’s place to watch “Smallville” and it turns out there was no new “Smallville.” I swear I saw a commercial for a new one, but either the WB has decided to fuck with my head, or I’m just delusional and imagined that whole commercial. I had the same problem with “Scrubs” on Tuesday. I really, really thought we were supposed to have a new one. Maybe it’s a whole network television conspiracy thing. I have been seeing the black helicopters again so that’s always a possibility… ok, let’s just not go there… So anyway, back to my movie review. Since The Lex Show… ummm, I mean Smallville… was not on, we decided to go see “Constantine.” As big a comic book geek as I am, I must admit to never having read the “Hellblazer” books. I’m not sure why. The subject matter is stuff I’m normally into, so my only excuse is that I just never got around to it. Not having a preconceived notion of who John Constantine is probably helped in this case. Any time I go into a Keanu Reeves movie I just expect him to slip into a “Bill and Ted” routine. I had that problem with “The Matrix” films as well as everything else Keanu has ever done. Don’t get me wrong. I liked “The Matrix” movies and don’t dislike several other Keanu films. There is just always that underlying anticipation that at some point a “Whoa!” or a “Dude!” is going to slip out. (Damn. I’m kinda rambly today.) As far as this movie goes, I have to say I really liked it. Like I’ll probably buy it on DVD kinda liked it. The story was good. The script was surprisingly well written. There was not a lot of the horribly cheesy dialogue I was expecting. It was also well cast. Shia LaBeouf was a little annoying and didn’t really do much to move the story along, but the rest of the case was good. Keanu did a good job as the brooding, cynical John Constantine. It was honestly not a performance I was expecting from him. The film was dark and the demons were creepy cool. Lots of atmosphere going on. It just had a nifty, decaying, comic book kinda feel. So thumbs up on “Constantine.” Go check it out if you’re into that whole good vs evil, comic book movie thing.

“There are strange things afoot at the Circle K.” – Keanu Reeves – “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”

If Wishes Were Horses

So I didn’t get “Hostage” seen last night. My movie-going stars are just way outta whack this year. No big deal. I’ve got a couple of things I still want to get seen this month, but it really has been a slow quarter for movies so I’m not too far behind. Things should start to pick up in April. If nothing else, we get “Sin City” and “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Since I have a complete lack of anything else interesting to write about, I guess it’s about time for another of my infamous lists. In the movie “High Fidelity,” John Cusack comes up with a list of his “Top 5 Dream Jobs.” Since I seem to bitch about my current job so much, that seems like a good topic for me to do a list on as well. Keep in mind that the space-time continuum is not a concern here. Want to bet that anything involving working for the corporate machine will not make my list?

13) Empress of Rome – might as well start with a big one. Granted, what with all the assassination attempts and whatnot, the life expectancy of Roman leaders was not what you would call great, but I bet it was fun while it lasted. Et tu Brute?

12) Horse Trainer – this one I probably could have actually done. If I had apprenticed with a good trainer right out of high school instead of heading down the path of a pre-law college student, I’d probably have my own barn to run by now. I really wish I had made the attempt to follow my heart in this case, but I didn’t. Well, if wished were horses…

11) Jewel Thief – I saw “To Catch a Thief” and “How to Steal a Million” too many times. I honestly thought this would be a good career choice for awhile. Then I started thinking about that whole going to jail thing and had to re-evaluate that choice of career path…

10) Pirate – I would have been a hell of a pirate. I’d get to have a sword and wear cool pirate clothes and make people walk the plank. Lots of travel. Good loot. Aside from the raping and the pillaging and the usually getting hung from a yard arm somewhere, I just don’t see a downside to this job. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that there is not a great demand for swashbucklers in today’s working world.

9) Archeologist (or Paleontologist) – This one goes back to having seen too many movies as well. I blame Stephen Spielberg for this. He’s the one who gave me Indiana Jones and “Jurassic Park.” Damn him. Running around the world digging up buried treasure or dinosaurs just seems like a good time to me.

8) Mad Scientist – I want to build a time machine out a DeLorean… my lackluster math skills keep me from achieving this one… ok, there are probably other factors as well…

7) Vampire – ok, so not really a “job.” Still, would be more interesting than what I’m doing now, and if I play my cards right eventually I could end up the head of an evil Los Angeles law firm… A werewolf would be ok too. At least then I could still go out in the daylight from time to time…

6) Novelist – I’m still working on this one. I write when I have a chance. It’s not out of the question for me to still one day end up with a book in print...

5) Knight – I know that there were not a lot of women who got to be knights. It was sorta a guys club. Still, with all that armor on I think I could have run around in disguise and no one would have been the wiser. Jousting would be fun and again, any job that lets me have a sword seems like fun…

4) Photographer – I actually went to school for this one. Not to be immodest, but I’m a damn good photographer. This is another career path I should have started down sooner if I’d really wanted to succeed at it. I’m a little old to be trying to get an intern spot at this point. That whole not getting paid thing just doesn’t work for me at this point in my life. Still, in a perfect world I’d spend my life shooting hockey and wildlife pictures for a living…

3) Casting Director – I’d be good at this. Gimme a script. I can tell you who needs to play what roles. I have no aspirations of being an actor. I’d rather just work with actors and put them in the roles I think they need to be playing. Again, to start out on this path usually involves unpaid internships so I don’t see it happening…

2) Kept Woman – I need to win the lottery or find myself a wealthy benefactor. I’m sure I can find ways to occupy my time. I would not lack for ways to amuse myself if I didn’t have to go to work every day… I could also be the wife/mistress of a criminal mastermind or something in this scenario. "Mrs Luthor" has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

1) Script Writer – if I had my choice of doing anything in the world, this would be it. I want to create a hit TV show or write an Oscar winning screenplay. Seems simple enough, doesn’t it? Now, If I could just finish this fucking script I’m working on and get someone to read it…

So there you have it. The unrealistic desires of my life. Have I mentioned recently that I’m a dreamer? And occasionally delusional?

"A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world." -- Oscar Wilde

The Tuesday Ramble

It's Tuesday. I have nothing to write about. I know I said I'd try to have more interesting posts this week, but my life is dull. I'm honestly at a loss. I'm also very fucking tired again. I was in bed by midnight. I slept fine. I don't know why I'm so freakin' tired. I got like 7 hours of sleep. I should be more well rested than this. I hate to blame work, but I have no other suspects, so work it is ;) Yesterday wasn't horrific. It probably could have been, but my boss is on vacation so that added a little shiny happiness to what would have otherwise been a gloomy, rainy Monday...I wore my fluffy socks today. They make me happy. Ok, so I'm a little odd. You all know this about me... Screening of "Hostage" tonight. I like Bruce Willis in these kinds of roles and I've heard good things about this one, so I'm optimistic... I'm going to get "Constantine" seen this weekend. Yes, I know I said that last week, but the planets weren't aligned right so I didn't get it done. I hereby vow to get it seen this weekend. I still want to see "Ong-Bak" too. And maybe "Robots." I feel like I should just spend a day at the theatre catching up, but I'm really not that far behind, and the weather the past few weekends has just been too nice to justify spending it indoors. I can watch movies on days that I can't spend outside with my horse... My horse is my latest dilemma. I really need to send her away to "school" for a few months. I could break her myself but just don't know that I want to do it. I'm not 16 and made out of rubber anymore. When I fall off horses now, it fucking hurts. I don't just bounce back like I used to. I don't really want to take the chance of getting hurt, so I'll probably send Callie off to a trainer for 60 days to at least get her started. That decision brings up a whole new set of problems. Trying to get horse in with most of the better trainers is kinda like trying to get a kid into a good prep school. There are waiting lists and considerable amounts of $$$ involved. I do sorta have an "in" with one trainer that I like. I previously had another horse with him so it's kinda like being an alumni or something. We'll see. I need to make some phone calls this weekend to see what I can work out... So, what else can I babble on about here? "Seinfeld" was a whole 1/2 hour show about nothing. Surely I can take up vast amounts of blog space with nothing as well. Granted, I have a meeting to go to in 5 minutes so there is a time factor involved here so I guess I'll just call it a day. At least tomorrow I'll have a movie review to post...

"I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then finding a small bright pebble to content myself with" -- Plato

In Every Generation There Is A Chosen One

On Saturday my brother and sister-in-law had a sonogram done and found out that I'm getting a new nephew in mid-August. We sat around and discussed potential names. At one point, when my brother came up with "Malachai" we told him he was being taken out of the naming process. He also came up with "Horatio" and "Yorrick" and "MacBeth." I told him it couldn't be MacBeth because then we'd always have to refer to the poor kid as "the Scottish child." Things got sillier from there. Still, a good time was had by all and I don't seriously think they'll end up naming him "Wulf." Other than that, not much to report. I spent most of the rest of my weekend with Joss Whedon and friends. I watched like 12 epsisodes of the final season of Buffy and a couple eps of Angel (Season 4) as well. Not a horribly productive way to spend a weekend, but what the fuck? No one said weekends had to be productive. In fact, they're usually better when they aren't. They're better when you can drink mojitos and just kick back and not have to think too hard about anything. So my weekend was fairly quiet. So shoot me... I did spend some time with my horse and ran a bunch of errands. See, not entirely unproductive. I contributed to society like a good consumer should... That's it. I have nothing else. I'll try and come up with more interesting posts the rest of the week. I'm just really fucking tired today for some reason. I'm not sure exactly why. I'm going to go get some caffeine and get this TPS report finished... oh wait, I don't have a TPS report. That's "Office Space." My movie life is bleeding into the real world again.... Whoo. For a minute there I thought I might actually have to work today or something ;)

"You're barking up the wrong asparagus, man." -- Thomas Lenk - "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"

Criminal Mastermind

I think I have a serious Peter Pan complex. Here I am, 33 years old and I found myself at the comic book shop last night at like 8PM. There was nothing new that came out this week that I had to have. I just happened to be driving past and felt the urge to browse so I stopped. It was like some tractor beam just pulling me in. Is there something wrong with me still reading comic books at my age? I think not. It makes me a geek of the first order, but I don’t think that means there is necessarily anything wrong with me. So anyway, I’m perusing the new titles for the week and discovered that DC is doing a 5-issue run of a book simply titled, “Lex Luthor.” Brian Azzarello is writing it and I’ve really taken a liking to his stuff as of late. I was thrilled with this find. Even before “Smallville” I was always a Lex fan. He’s one of the best villains ever. So I’m sitting on the floor thumbing through the book when my cell phone rings. It’s this actor friend of mine who has proven to be very “needy” the past few days :) I’ll go for weeks (hell, months) without actually talking to him and now I’ve talked to him like every day this week I think. I was like, “Hey, I was just thinking about you. I’m sitting here reading a comic about your favorite super villian.” He of course already knew the book was out. He’s a bigger geek than I am. I talked to him for a bit and got nasty looks from the other customers in the shop. I guess talking on your cell while in the store is frowned upon in comic book circles. I don’t know. I was being fairly quiet. I finally turned to one guy who was staring me down and told him I was talking to Lex Luthor and he backed off. I just got scared looks from people after that. Woo Hoo! The comic book freaks now think I’m a fucking nut! That’s an accomplishment. So, it was an amusing evening at Oxford Comics… I have nothing else interesting to report. I’m just glad it’s Friday. No big plans for the weekend really. I am going to see “Constantine.” I’ve put it off the past 2 weeks so hopefully the 3rd week’s the charm... Lindy and I may cruise by the Roxy on Saturday night to check out Danzig. Our friend Bevin is the drummer and we haven’t seen him in ages… It’s also looking like my truck may need some major work done and it seems stupid to put a couple grand of repairs into a vehicle with almost 90k miles on it, so a new car may be in my future sooner than planned. That being said, I may go test drive new Mustangs on Sunday if the weather is nice. I’ll just have to see how the weekend goes… Happy Friday all!

"Picture it. The sun, the sea, hundreds of women just like her running around, and me, the first man they've seen in.. oh, maybe forever? Oh, and look what I brought! Ice Mochas for everyone! Sweet!" -- Michael Rosenbaum (The Flash) -- "Justice League"

Long Live The Organization For The Organized

I went the entire month of February without seeing a movie in the theatre. There is something not right about that. Granted, there was nothing out that I just HAD to see, but since when has that ever stopped me? Last night was the 99X screening of “The Jacket.” I honestly had very little knowledge of this movie going in. I knew Adrien Brody and Keira Knightly were in it and that was about it. It was a seriously fucked up film. Sorta “12 Monkeys” meets “Jacob’s Ladder” meets “Angel Heart.” Solid performances all around. Adrien Brody was really good and Keira Knightly actually got to act a little bit rather than just stand around and look pretty. It’s a harsh film, shot with a high contract technique that makes everything a little surreal and “edgy.” I wouldn’t recommend it for people who have a problem with small spaces as Brody’s character spends a large portion of the film stuck inside a morgue drawer. Still, I liked it and thought it was well done. There were some things I would have changed, but overall they did a good job. If you like weird movies, I suggest checking it out.

“You can’t break something that’s already broken.” – Kris Kristofferson – “The Jacket”

Brain Dead Corporate Zombies

Just shoot me in the head. It would make my life easier. So like 2 weeks ago I got an email from this lady about a manager position that had opened up at the horse farm that she owns. I’ve known this woman for a couple of years and had actually interviewed with her the last time this spot was available. It didn’t work out at the time for a variety of reasons, but I told her if she was ever in the market for a manager again to give me a call. So she did. Great, right? It should have been. Aside from the fact that it would mean that I would be living in the cultural black hole that is Newnan, GA, this is the job I’ve been looking for. It’s a first class facility with really nice horses, comes with housing, utilities, benefits, board for my horse, and a decent salary. I was fully prepared to turn in my letter of resignation, pack up my stuff, and move to Newnan. I was supposed to go down there this past Saturday to re-interview but after leaving several messages to set up a time to meet, I had heard nothing back. I was not happy. Finally on Sunday night I got an e-mail from her. There were several extenuating circumstances as to why she had not called me, but they proved to be irrelevant as the bottom line was that she had convinced herself that I was overqualified for the job. It would be a waste of my life to be sitting around on a horse farm basically not doing much of anything. That’s the point! That’s what I want to be doing. I have a high stress job now. I don’t want another one. She knew my resume before she contacted me. Why the fuck did she have to go and get my hopes up like that? Grrrr... Arg... So it’s back to square one for this girl. To top it all off, everything I did at work yesterday turned out to be a waste of fucking time. They had given me the wrong data to work with, so my results were useless. I have to start all over today. I would not be quite so annoyed had I not mentioned that my results were sort of "funky" about 1/2 way through the project yesterday. I was told to just work on it anyway. People should just learn to fucking listen to me. I'm not an idiot. Did I mention, Grrrr... Arg...? Why is it that the only jobs that I’m interested in seem to pay next to nothing? I’m good at a lot of things, but none of them are very profitable. I guess part of it is that I’m sick of whining about my job. On some level I know I have no room to whine. At least I have a job. So what if I’m not happy at work? Most people are not happy at work. That’s why they call it work. If we were all happy with what we do with our lives then we’d be living in Utopia. We’re not. I know that. Life is full of disappointments and I can be the consummate optimist, the hopeful dreamer, as long as I want and chances are that things will still not work out the way I want them to. That’s just a sad fact of life. Doesn’t mean I’m going to quit trying. I’m going to continue to bang my head against the wall and ultimately one of two things will happen. Either my skull will finally crack, and I’ll be brain dead enough to just accept my life as it is, or I will break through the wall. I vote for breaking through the wall. I see the light coming through the cracks in that wall. I know there is some modicum of happiness on the other side. I can almost smell it. Maybe I’m just getting delusional. Oh well. I kind of like my delusions. They keep me going. I have to keep trying. I don’t want to be the brain dead zombie that so many other delusional dreamers have become. I’m not ready to give up that fight just yet…

"Burning desire to be or do something gives us staying power - a reason to get up every morning or to pick ourselves up and start in again after a disappointment" -- Marsha Sinetar

Praying To The Snow Gods

I woke up at about 3:30AM as I heard a car skidding on the road in front of my apartment. When I looked out the window there was beautiful, white fluffy snow and it was coming down hard. I was soooo sure I was not going to have to come in to work today and did the happy dance of joy. (Well, I danced in my head anyway. I was not about to get out of my toasty bed and actually dance, not even for the appeasement of the snow gods.) Sadly, when my alarm went off at 7:00 the snow was gone. It was like a barely remembered dream. It’s not nice to tease me like that. It actually snowed and I don’t get anything out of it. (Maybe it was because I didn't actually do the happy dance of joy. Those damn snow gods can be so fickle sometimes.) I should so be at home right now, curled up in bed, rather than trapped here at work... What with the trips to Asheville and Bartlesville, I haven’t really been in the office much the past 2 weeks and it’s been great. The thought of actually having to sit in my cube all day is just mind-numbing. I do have a project to work on later in the week which should prove very time consuming, but until then it’s just a matter of playing catch up on all the stuff I haven’t done while I was out of town. Yippee-fucking-skippy... The lottery is up to $112 million for tonight. How great would that be? I would love nothing better than to be able to call my boss tomorrow and let her know that I’m not coming back to work, EVER. Hell, I might not even call. I would maybe just not show up. Is that petty of me? Maybe. Not really caring though… My work calendar is showing that I’m supposed to be off tomorrow. I do not recall requesting March 2nd off. I have no reason to take March 2nd off. But my calendar says I’m supposed to have March 2nd off. Hmmm… interesting… very interesting… It’s snowing again, and hard. Maybe it will start to stick and we can all go home… and then not have to work tomorrow… Do you sense a pattern here? Something about me and not working tomorrow…

"Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery." -- Bill Watterson - "Calvin and Hobbes"